It hasn't been very long that I've considered myself Pagan. I've always thought like one, at least that's clear to me now. But only recently did I "take the plunge" and declare (to myself, anyway) "I AM PAGAN." Rather like admitting some dark, terrible secret. Why? Why do I feel such a sense of shame, when I am truly happy in my Path, certain of its correctness for me, and even, dare I say, proud?

It is a result of living in this "free" society. Not that I'd have it any other way, but true freedom of religion is reserved for those who practice the "right" religion. More and more Pagans and Wiccans are becoming more open about their lives, but I still cannot imaging wearing a pentacle out in public. Yes, I feel that it could jepordize my work/school/certain friendships. Of course, I should question the validity of these aspects of my life if they are so contingent upon my religious expression, but I'm certain all Pagans have faced these feelings at some point.

Due to stereotypes, misinformation and the presence of other religions deathly afraid to lose power, Pagans are seen (and portrayed) as...well, you name it, we've probably been called it. Once one becomes a studying Pagan, one sees so much injustice. For example, most of our holidays have been re-constructed to fit with another ideology! Of course, ranting about this now certainly won't change anything; I know that. It is simply difficult to feel such security, contentment and empowerment from my spirituality and yet feel as if it is something to hide, like a horrible disease.

I now have *some* inkling of how homosexuals must feel. Unable to "conform" to society, they know who they are yet are still unable to gain much respect from those that will point fingers and say, BAD. BAD PERSON. You want to scream: NO! I AM A GOOD PERSON! I AM JUST A DIFFERENT PERSON! I remember when I first admitted to myself that I was Pagan; it felt like some life-altering admission (which it was, in its way)! Of course, being raised Christian helped to contribute to this feeling. Yet I know in my heart what is True for me.

I've said before that the hardest part of being Wiccan, for me, is accepting all other religions. Not because I want to change anyone, but because it is hard to accept all those people who will condemn you and shun you because you don't believe as they do.

Oh -- what a pointless argument I just realized I was making! It is just these problems with religion that are causing bloodshed in Northern Ireland, the Middle East, Africa and many other countries...humanity has such a long way to go.

It is so sad to realize that although on paper our society is "free," we are only as free as we have the nerve and the determination to be. Because that's what it takes to exercise that freedom; too many structures are in place to punish us for being different. If we must suffer through the kinds of worries and doubts and guilt as I've expressed on this page, how is that truly "free?"

I've almost built up enough nerve to buy a small pentagram ring; not to show it off but as a symbol to myself throughout the day of where I get my strength (inside and amplified by the Goddess and God) and, I admit, a bit of defiance to those who would shove me into the broom closet! Now...where to find the courage to actually wear it...;-)

I realize I've shown lots of conflicting feelings and ideas in this essay; if you also suffer similarly, please e-mail me and share your feelings...I'll even post your responses here if you like.

Blessed Be.

Essay Copyright © 1998 S. Jenkins. Please, no reprint without permission. I am very willing to share, just ask first! Thank you!