Funnies Pg.1
                                                                      

    WHERE  IS GOD


There were these two boys, one 8 and the other 10. They were holy terrors and were about to drive their poor mother crazy. They lived in a small town and if  anything went on you could be assured the two were involved in it. Their mother had heard about a new preacher in town that had a reputation of being able to straighten out mischievous boys. She cave him a call and ask if he would talk to the two. He agreed to but he wanted to see them separately. The next morning she dropped the 8 year old off at the church and he went into the preachers office. The preacher looked him dead in the eye and ask,"where is God?" The boy didn't know what to say and stood there in silence. Once again the pastor ask, "where is God?" The boy still stood in silence. For a third time, in a very loud voice, the pastor asked, " where is God?" This time the boy bolted out of the door and ran all the way home, into the bedroom, into the closet and slammed the door behind himself. The 10 year old seeing all of this, ran to the closet and jerked the door open and asked his brother, "what's up with you?" The 8 year old answered, " Dude, we are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!!"

    ONLY FROM A SMALL BOY'S MIND

Richard, age 4, was fooling with the large family Bible on the coffee table. As he turned the pages, a leaf that someone years before had placed between the pages to press it, fell to the floor. He picked it up and in a small boy's voice of amazement said, "look mommy what I found in the Bible!" His mother said," well what do you think you've got there?" He answered her," I think it must be Adams pants!!"

    GRANDMOTHER'S FAVORITE

A sweet little boy suprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He had made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three little green plastic army men in the bottom of the cup. She asked," Honey, why would three little green plastic army men be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied," You know grandma, it's like they say on T.V. ... The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!!"

    BEAR ATTACKS

There had been several bear attacks in Yellowstone National Park so the park rangers were handing out flyers to all the visitors who came through the gates. The flyer read as follows:

Attention all hikers and picnickers. There have been some Grizzly bear attacks in the last few weeks. It is a good idea to sew or pin small bells on your clothing when out of doors so the bears will hear you coming and you won't happen up on one and supprise it. It is also a good idea to carry a can of pepper spray just in case a Grizzly does approach you. There are several small brown bears in the park and they are harmless. You would do well to learn the difference between Grizzly droppings and Brown bear droppings, so that you will know which one could be in the area. Brown bear droppings are full of berries and small tuffs of squirrel and rabbit fur. Grizzly droppings, on the other hand are full of small bells and has a distinct odor of pepper.
    THE CAVALRY OFFICER AND THE INDIAN

The young Cavalry officer had sent back east for his sweetheart to come and join him in the rugged west. She arrived on the noon train and they boarded the stage coach for the last fifty miles of the journey to the fort where he was garrisoned. On the road a few miles out of town they came across this Indian laying in the road with  his ear to the ground.  The young woman curious, asked the officer," What is he doing?"  The officer ordered the driver to stop and replied , "Sweetheart, he is an Indian and he can tell what's happening for miles by listing to the ground."  " Go on! You've got to be kidding me!" she said. " On the contrary. I'll show you." , replied the officer. He stepped out of the stage coach and went over to where the Indian was laying in the road. He ask, " What do you hear chief?" The Indian answered," Stage coach, drawn by six horses, first two white, next four brown, go very fast."  The young lady was amazed and asked the Indian, " You can tell all of that from just listening to the ground?" The Indian replied, " No, they just ran over me about twenty minutes ago!!"


 WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET

There's a fellow with a Doberman Pinscher and a fellow with a Chihuahua. The fellow with the Doberman says to the fellow with the Chihuahua, " Let's go over to that restaurant and get some breakfast."  The fellow with the Chihuahua says, " We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The fellow with the Doberman says, " Just follow my lead and do what I do." They walk over to the restaurant, the fellow with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. A man at the door says, " Sorry, mister, no pets are allowed." The fellow with the Doberman says, " You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The man at the door replies, " A Doberman Pinscher ? " He says, " Yes, they are using them now, they're very good. " The man at the door says, " Come on in." The fellow with the Chihuahua figures, " What the heck, " so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The man at the door says, " Sorry, pal, no pets allowed in here. " The guy with the Chihuahua says, " You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The man at the door says, " Yeah, right. A Chihuahua ? "  The fellow with the Chihuahua says, " OH NO ! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua ? "

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS ( A TRUE STORY )

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first little pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "....And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, " Pardon me,sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house? "  The teacher paused and asked the class, " And what do you think the man said?"  After several moments a little boy raised his hand and said, " I think he said, ' Holy smoke, a talking pig." ( The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.)


CONFUSION

IF a number 2 pencil is the most popular why is it still number 2 ?
                                                                                                                       

 REDNECK FOOTBALL

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an
important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic
probation and not allowed to play in the big game the
following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last
question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____." Bubba was stumped
-- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to
get this one right to be sure he passed.  

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on
the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?"  
Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor
hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're
so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."  
"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No.
2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then
he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered,
"Tiny, how do you spell farm?"  
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny,
"farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
SHARING

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's one cold winter. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no
hesitation, and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries, and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get
restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.

The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing
everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again, he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it you are waiting for?" She answered...

"The teeth."
 THE CURE IS WORSE THAN THE DISEASE

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his
office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very
serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't
do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him
a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a
good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner,
prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him
with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably
make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be
very loving to your husband every day of the week. If you can
do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the
doctor say to you?"

"You're going to die."

 Tithes

Church finances were a little tight, so the pastor took extra time this particular Sunday to emphasize the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because II Corinthians 9:7 says, "God loves a cheerful giver."

As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew, quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing. The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it  joyfully. I love that man!"

 BE QUIET

 Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And  why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


TOP COUNTRY SONGS

13. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

12. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

11. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

8. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

7. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

6. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' Over you

5. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

3. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

2. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

1. If I'd shot you when I wanted to, I'd be out by now.


THINGS THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR DURING SUGERY

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor--we're going to need a mop.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!!

Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie.

Oh, no. I just lost my Rolex.

Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hey, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back--I lost my contact lens.

Could you stop that thing from thumping; it's throwing my concentration off.

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses...

Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

 WHAT IS GOD'S NAME?

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.
'Oh that's easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.'
'What make you think his name is Andy?' the angel asked incredulously.
'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me,
 Andy talks with me, Andy knows that I am His own.'

THE FUNERAL FOR MULDOON'S DOG

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the  countryside except for a  pet dog he had for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the church, saying "Preacher,
my dog is dead. Could you possibly preach the funeral for the poor creature?"

Well, the preacher told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in
the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road
apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something  for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough
to donate for the service?"

The preacher replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Baptist ."
THE PREACHER'S STORIES

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a
visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the
next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to
omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of funny stories that cannot be published."


HOT PREACHING

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he
moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
 
 
 THINGS THAT I'VE LEARNED FROM RAISING KIDS
  1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4" deep.
  2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all 4 walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
  5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 
  7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
  8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
  10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy. 
  11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 
  12. Super glue is forever. 
  13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 
  14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 
  17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 
  18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 
  19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
  20. The fire department in our town has a 5-minute response time.
  21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 
  22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 
  23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
  24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. 
  25. For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
  26. For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
  27. For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
  28. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
  29. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control

 

THE AUCTION



During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed
a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune
for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does."
"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer.
"Who do you think was bidding against you?"

 

MONGO

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked. Mongo replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him." "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Mongo shot back, "That's because he's inside your cat!'

 

THE LAYWER

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: "Legal Consultation Service: $150."

SEEING AIN'T ALWAYS BELIVING

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

   THE LUCK OF THE IRISH

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

THE FAMOUS IRISH PIG

A young Irish gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. ""Well " said the bartended "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? " "Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"