Funnies Pg.2
                                                                           

     BREAKFAST  MORAL

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin ,5 and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw an opportunity for a moral lesson. " If Jesus were sitting here, He would say , ' Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait'."  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said," O.K. Ryan, you be Jesus."

    TEN COMMANDMENTS

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 & 6 year olds. After explaining the commandment to " Honor thy father and mother, " she ask " Is there a commandment that  teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, " Thou shall not kill."

    ART CLASS

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew pictures. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's art work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what she was drawing. The little girl replied," I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said," But no one knows what God looks like." Without looking up from her drawing the little girl replied," They will in just a minute!"

    LORD HELP ME

This fellow was walking across some railroad tracks when his foot became stuck between the track and one of the ties. You guessed it, the train was comming!!  Tug and pull as he might, his foot would not budge. He began to pray, "Lord help me get my foot loose and I'll quit cussing."  The train was still comming and he's pulling with all of his might. " Lord help me get loose and I'll quit drinking also." His foot remained stuck fast. " Lord help me and I'll quit smoking." About that time his foot popped loose. " Never mind Lord, I got it !"

    THE LONG STAIRCASE

There were two hobos walking down a railroad track. They had been partaking of the fruit of the vine just a little too much. One looks at the other and says, " You know, this has got to be the longest staircase that I have ever climbed in my entire life!!"  The other one, who was in worse shape than the first one replied, " I don't really mind the stairs, but these low handrails are killing my back !!"

     ANOTHER REDNECK

This fellow goes into the local pub and sits down next to a rather large man at the bar. He turns to him and ask, " Hey buddy, how  would you like to hear a good redneck joke?"  The large gentleman replied, " Before you tell any redneck jokes I think you should know that I am a redneck." Pointing to the fellow next to him, who was larger than he was, he said, " see this fellow here? He is also a redneck and the fellow on the other side of him who is bigger than he is a redneck too! Now, do you really want to tell a redneck joke in here?" The man replied, " No, I guess not, I don't want to have to explain it three times!!"

     THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later the Lone Range wakes up his faithful friend. " Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies," Me see millions of stars."  " What does that tell you ?", asked the Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute. " Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are a very small and insignificant part of this huge universe. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
" Well Tonto, you big dummy, it tells me that someone has stolen our tent!!"
                                                                                                                                    

 LITTLE FREDDIE          

Little Freddie was always getting into mischief during church services. The exasperated pastor asked him, " How do you ever expect to get into Heaven ?"
The boy thought it over and said, " Well, I'll just run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ' For Heaven's sake, Freddie, come in or stay out !!"
                                                                                                                                  

 WHAT DO YOU TELL A SMALL BOY

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his
parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork
brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?"
he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent,
by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the
teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write because there
hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three
generations."
                                                                                                                         
 LAW AND ORDER

 A cop pulls over a guy.  

"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"  

"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed --
have you been eating doughnuts?"
 SPECIAL DELIVERY

Be careful that you type in the right address when you send
an email. Who knows what might happen:

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to
Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop
into the hotel room port and sent a short email back home to
his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address,
JennJohnson@global.com.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the
email ended up going to JeanJohnson@global.com, a Jean
Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a priest who had just passed
away and was buried that day. The priest's wife took one look
at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

HEARING PROBLEMS

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
POLICE !!

A boy was riding along the street in a home-made cart pulled by a dog
with a rope attached to the dog's genitals. On the side of the cart the boy had written "POLICE".
A passer-by watched with interest. When the cart stopped, he told the boy:
"You know, your police car would go faster if you tied the
rope around the dog's neck."
"I know," said the boy, "but I wouldn't get the cool siren."
 DR. SMITH & DR. JONES

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
"Hysterias and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

No go, so they tried...
"Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again, so they tried...
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."

STILL not good, so they tried...
"Minds and Behinds".

Still no go. Nor did these...
"Analysis and Anal Cysts",

"Nuts and Butts",
"Freaks and Cheeks" or
"Loons and Moons"  Didn't work either.

They finally settled on...

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones
    Odds and Ends"!
The Competition

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast
Stroke Competition. The redhead won, and the brunette came in second.
However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by,
causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde
finally arrived.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the
young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned
over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other
girls used their arms."
          THE PATCH

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock!
 We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

THE GOLF GAME

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.
"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.
Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said,
"Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!"
MIKE'S DYING WISH

Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.
Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"
And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ."
Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're
cooking."
Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"


FINNEGAN'S WIFE

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.