Points to ponder

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=100 BGCOLOR="#111111" TEXT="#F7F7FF" bgproperties="fixed" background="5eb87641dyxtip.jpg"> <div><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FF9900" FACE="Arial" ><B>Bill's Funnies </B></FONT> <B> </B><B>| </B><B> </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Bills Funnies "><U><B>home</B></U></A></div><div> <A HREF="id114.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="God Bless The U.S.A."><U>God Bless The U.S.A.</U></A> | <A HREF="funnies_pg_1.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.1"><U>Funnies Pg.1</U></A> | <A HREF="funnies_pg_2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.2"><U>Funnies Pg.2</U></A> | <A HREF="funnies_pg_3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.3"><U>Funnies Pg.3</U></A> | <A HREF="funnies_pg_4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.4"><U>Funnies Pg.4</U></A> | <A HREF="funnies_pg_5.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.5"><U>Funnies Pg.5</U></A> | <A HREF="funnies_pg_6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.6"><U>Funnies Pg.6</U></A> | <A HREF="funnies_pg_7.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.7"><U>Funnies Pg.7</U></A> | <A HREF="id106.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Blonde Funnies"><U>Blonde Funnies</U></A> | Points to ponder | <A HREF="eye_chart.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Eye Chart "><U>Eye Chart </U></A> | <A HREF="id110.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Play Checkers"><U>Play Checkers</U></A> | <A HREF="redneck_jokes.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Redneck Jokes"><U>Redneck Jokes</U></A> | <A HREF="funny_pic_s_1.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 1"><U>Funny Pic's 1</U></A> | <A HREF="funny_pic_s_2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 2"><U>Funny Pic's 2</U></A> | <A HREF="funny_pic_s_3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 3"><U>Funny Pic's 3</U></A> | <A HREF="e_greetings.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Send EGreetings"><U>Send E-Greetings</U></A> | <A HREF="id107.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Awards"><U>Awards</U></A> | <A HREF="links.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Other Site Links"><U>Other Site Links</U></A> | <A HREF="contact_me.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Me"><U>Contact Me</U></A> | <A HREF="headline_news.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Headline News"><U>Headline News</U></A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=190 BGCOLOR="#CCFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="21164643.jpg"> <div> My son, attend unto my wisdom, and bow thine ear to my understanding:</div> <div> Proverbs 5:1</div> <div> <IMG SRC="5e890a30.gif" border=0 width="144" height="163" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <B>KFC WITH RHYTHM !</B></div> <div>  <embed src="HTMLobj-1513/sultans_of_swing.mid" autostart="true" loop="true" hidden="no">  </div> </td> <td valign="top" height=380 BGCOLOR="#CCFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="21164643.jpg"> <div> Points to ponder <IMG SRC="7c9002e0.gif" border=0 width="256" height="46" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <IMG SRC="5f5e64c0.gif" border=0 width="486" height="76" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> SOME POINTS THAT I WONDER ABOUT & OBSERVATIONS OF LIFE FROM A DIFFERENT VIEW .....................................................</div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="7ab2a0a0.gif" border=0 width="554" height="10" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?</div> <bR> <div> I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"</div> <div> She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.</div> <bR> <div> If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,</div> <div> is it considered a hostage situation?</div> <bR> <div> What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?</div> <bR> <div> If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?</div> <bR> <div> If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?</div> <bR> <div> How do blind people know when they are done wiping?</div> <bR> <div> Baseball is the only American sport that appears backward when viewed in a mirror.</div> <bR> <div> Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room ?</div> <bR> <div> Why is there no blue food?</div> <bR> <div> Nobody can ever know what a totally deserted area looks like.</div> <bR> <div> Why, in comic strips does the cartoon figure on the left always speak first?</div> <bR> <div> People who dance are labeled insane by people who can't hear the music.</div> <bR> <div> Why do people order double cheeseburgers, </div> <div> large fries and a DIET soda!</div> <bR> <div> Only in America... do people use answering machines to screen </div> <div> calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from </div> <div> someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!</div> <bR> <div> Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains </div> <div> all the letters from the word "criminal."</div> <div> The second? William Jefferson Clinton. Coincidence?</div> <bR> <div> How come wrong numbers are never busy? </div> <bR> <div> Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'? </div> <bR> <div> Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip? </div> <bR> <div> Can a stupid person be a smart-elick? </div> <bR> <div> Does killing time damage eternity? </div> <bR> <div> Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? </div> <bR> <div> Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? </div> <bR> <div> Why is it that night falls but day breaks? </div> <bR> <div> Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? </div> <bR> <div> Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? </div> <bR> <div> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? </div> <bR> <div> Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? </div> <bR> <div> Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop? </div> <bR> <div> Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? </div> <bR> <div> Did Noah keep his bees in archives? </div> <bR> <div> Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans? </div> <bR> <div> Do pilots take crash-courses? </div> <bR> <div> Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? </div> <bR> <div> Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? </div> <bR> <div> Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? </div> <bR> <div> Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? </div> <bR> <div> Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? </div> <bR> <div> How can there be self-help "groups"? </div> <bR> <div> How do you get off a non-stop flight? </div> <bR> <div> How do you write zero in Roman numerals? </div> <bR> <div> How many weeks are there in a light year? </div> <bR> <div> If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?" </div> <bR> <div> If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman? </div> <bR> <div> If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? </div> <bR> <div> If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? </div> <bR> <div> If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them? </div> <bR> <div> If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? </div> <bR> <div> If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do? </div> <bR> <div> If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? </div> <bR> <div> If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? </div> <bR> <div> If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? </div> <bR> <div> If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? </div> <bR> <div> Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? </div> <bR> <div> Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot? </div> <bR> <div> Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there? </div> <bR> <div> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?</div> <bR> <div> If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? </div> <bR> <div> When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? </div> <bR> <div> If you're a vegetarian, can you still eat animal cookies? </div> <bR> <div> Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?</div> <bR> <div> Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?</div> <bR> <div> Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?</div> <bR> <div> </div> <div> Would a fly without wings be called a walk?</div> <bR> <div> </div> <div> Can fat people go skinny-dipping?</div> <bR> <div> </div> <div> Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting? </div> <bR> <bR> <div> Can you be a closet claustrophobic? </div> <bR> <div> Why is the word abbreviation so long? </div> <bR> <div> Is it possible to be totally partial?</div> <bR> <div> </div> <div> What's another word for thesaurus?</div> <bR> <div> If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?</div> <bR> <div> </div> <div> If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their </div> <div> lights off? </div> <bR> <bR> <div> When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?</div> <bR> <div> </div> <div> If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read all right?</div> <bR> <div> </div> <div> If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?</div> <bR> <div> </div> <div> If you were a glass of water, would you ever get thirsty?</div> <bR> <div> </div> <div> If people say, "Don't bug me", do bugs say, "Don't people me"?</div> <bR> <div> If you try to fail and succeed, which do you do ?</div> <bR> <div> "Time's fun when you're having flies." - Kermit the Frog</div> <bR> <div> A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions. </div> <bR> <div> Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. </div> <bR> <div> Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.</div> <bR> <div> A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. </div> <bR> <div> It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. </div> <bR> <div> The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. </div> <bR> <div> When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. </div> <bR> <div> Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. </div> <bR> <div> If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?</div> <bR> <div> If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?</div> <bR> <div> When a cow laughs does milk come out its nose?</div> <bR> <div> How did a fool and his money GET together?</div> <bR> <div> How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?</div> <bR> <div> If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?</div> <bR> <div> Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?</div> <bR> <div> Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?</div> <bR> <div> How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?</div> <bR> <div> Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?</div> <bR> <div> When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?</div> <bR> <div> Do blind Eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?</div> <bR> <div> Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?</div> <bR> <div> Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?</div> <bR> <div> Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?</div> <bR> <div> If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?</div> <bR> <div> What was the best thing before sliced bread?</div> <bR> <div> After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?</div> <bR> <div> Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?</div> <bR> <div> Can an ambidextrous person make an off hand remark?</div> <bR> <div> Do cannibals get hungry one hour after eating a chinaman?</div> <bR> <div> Do police sketch artists start out by drawing chalk outlines?</div> <bR> <div> Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?</div> <bR> <div> Does condensed milk come from smaller cows?</div> <bR> <div> How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?</div> <bR> <div> How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?</div> <bR> <div> How is it possible to have a civil war?</div> <bR> <div> If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?</div> <bR> <div> If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?</div> <bR> <div> If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?</div> <bR> <div> If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?</div> <bR> <div> If convenience stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?</div> <bR> <div> If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?</div> <bR> <div> If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?</div> <bR> <div> If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?</div> <bR> <div> If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?</div> <bR> <div> If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?</div> <bR> <div> If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"</div> <bR> <div> If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?</div> <bR> <div> If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?</div> <bR> <div> If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?</div> <bR> <div> If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?</div> <bR> <div> If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?</div> <bR> <div> If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?</div> <bR> <div> If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?</div> <bR> <div> If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?</div> <bR> <div> If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?</div> <bR> <div> If you take an Oriental man and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?</div> <bR> <div> Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?</div> <bR> <div> Is there another word for synonym?</div> <bR> <div> Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?</div> <bR> <div> Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"</div> <bR> <div> Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.</div> <bR> <div> Should a mute be yelled at for talking with their hands full?</div> <bR> <div> Should crematoriums give a discount to burn victims?</div> <bR> <div> Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?</div> <bR> <div> Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?</div> <bR> <div> So what's the speed of dark?</div> <bR> <div> What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?</div> <bR> <div> What happens if you get scared ½ to death twice?</div> <bR> <div> What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?</div> <bR> <div> When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?</div> <bR> <div> When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?</div> <bR> <div> Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"</div> <bR> <div> Why are there D batteries, C batteries, AAA batteries, AA batteries, but no B or single A batteries??</div> <bR> <div> Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?</div> <bR> <div> Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?</div> <bR> <div> Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.</div> <bR> <div> Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?</div> <bR> <div> Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?</div> <bR> <div> Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?</div> <bR> <div> Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?</div> <bR> <div> Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?</div> <bR> <div> Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?</div> <bR> <div> Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?</div> <bR> <div> Why don't they make mouse-flavored cat food?</div> <bR> <div> Why don't they call mustaches Mouthbrows?</div> <bR> <div> Why don't they invent a cordless extension cord?</div> <bR> <div> Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?</div> <bR> <div> Why is it called after dark when it's really after light?</div> <bR> <div> Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?</div> <bR> <div> Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?</div> <bR> <div> Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?</div> <bR> <div> Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?</div> <bR> <div> Who put the alphabet in alphabetical order?</div> <bR> <div> Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?</div> <bR> <div> Would a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog?</div> <bR> <div> Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.</div> <bR> <div> Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.</div> <bR> <div> He who laughs last, thinks slowest.</div> <bR> <div> Help wanted: Telepath ... you know where to apply.</div> <bR> <div> I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.</div> <bR> <div> I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.</div> <bR> <div> I took an IQ test and the results were negative.</div> <bR> <div> Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.</div> <bR> <div> On the other hand, you have five different fingers.</div> <bR> <div> One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.</div> <bR> <div> You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.</div> <bR> <div> When every thing's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.</div> <bR> <div> When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.</div> <bR> <div> War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.</div> <bR> <div> I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.</div> <bR> <div> I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.</div> <bR> <div> I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.</div> <bR> <div> Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.</div> <bR> <div> I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.</div> <bR> <div> I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."</div> <bR> <div> Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.</div> <bR> <div> When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.</div> <bR> <div> You can't trust dogs to watch your food.</div> <bR> <div> Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. </div> <bR> <div> Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.</div> <bR> <div> My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.</div> <bR> <div> Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.</div> <bR> <div> It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.</div> <bR> <div> I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.</div> <bR> <div> There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.</div> <bR> <div> My friend Bryan is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.</div> <bR> <div> In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.</div> <bR> <div> A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go to him. You'll just be walking down the street,</div> <div> and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...</div> <bR> <div> I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.</div> <bR> <div> I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.</div> <bR> <div> My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.</div> <bR> <div> One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.</div> <bR> <div> I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."</div> <bR> <div> I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.</div> <bR> <div> I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.</div> <bR> <div> How young can you die of old age?</div> <bR> <div> I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.</div> <bR> <div> I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.</div> <bR> <div> I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.</div> <bR> <div> I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."</div> <bR> <div> I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."</div> <bR> <div> I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. </div> <bR> <div> If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?</div> <bR> <div> I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.</div> <bR> <div> I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.</div> <bR> <div> When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.</div> <bR> <div> Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.</div> <bR> <div> When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.</div> <bR> <div> I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.</div> <bR> <div> I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. </div> <bR> <div> For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.</div> <bR> <div> (If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.)</div> <bR> <div> It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.</div> <bR> <div> If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.</div> <bR> <div> What happens if you put a slinkey on an escalator?</div> <bR> <div> I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.</div> <bR> <div> I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.</div> <bR> <div> I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.</div> <bR> <div> A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."</div> <bR> <div> I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."</div> <bR> <div> When I woke up this morning my wife asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."</div> <bR> <div> I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about </div> <div> everything.</div> <bR> <div> It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.</div> <bR> <div> I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.</div> <bR> <div> I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.</div> <bR> <div> I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".</div> <bR> <div> I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."</div> <bR> <div> I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.</div> <bR> <div> I spilled spot remover on my dog, Spot. Now he's gone.</div> <bR> <div> I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.</div> <div> I got a full house and four people died.</div> <bR> <div> I had amnesia once or was it twice?</div> <bR> <div> Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?</div> <bR> <div> What do chickens think we taste like?</div> <bR> <div> What do people in China call THEIR good plates?</div> <bR> <div> When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?</div> <bR> <div> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?</div> <bR> <div> Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?</div> <bR> <div> Why is the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?</div> <bR> <div> If a firefighter fights fire and a crimefighter fights crime, what does a freedomfighter fight?</div> <bR> <div> If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?</div> <bR> <div> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?</div> <bR> <div> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?</div> <bR> <div> Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe </div> <div> the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and </div> <div> 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. </div> <bR> <div> I have an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one.</div> <bR> <div> I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman'. </div> <bR> <div> I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. </div> <bR> <div> I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.</div> <bR> <div> Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.</div> <bR> <div> When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic?</div> <div> Do tall people burn slower?</div> <bR> <div> I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl.'</div> <bR> <div> Just imagine if birds were allergic to feathers.</div> <bR> <div> The other day, I went to a tourist information booth</div> <div> and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year". </div> <bR> <div> I was born by Cesarean section. But not so you'd notice. </div> <div> It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.</div> <bR> <div> I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. </div> <bR> <div> When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.</div> <bR> <div> I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it</div> <div> sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the</div> <div> woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it</div> <div> backwards by accident. Now I drive down the street with a</div> <div> herd of deer chasing me. </div> <bR> <div> My wife and I went on a picnic. I don't know how</div> <div> she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it</div> <div> itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think</div> <div> about sandpaper.</div> <bR> <div> When I was crossing the border into Canada, </div> <div> they asked if I had any firearms with me. </div> <div> I said, 'Well, what do you need?'</div> <bR> <div> My watch is three hours slow, and I can't fix it.</div> <div> So I'm going to move to Los Angles.</div> <bR> <div> Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay</div> <div> to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?</div> <bR> <div> How come hot-dogs come in 10 packs but the buns come in 8 packs? </div> <bR> <div> Whatever happened to Preparations "A" through "G" ?</div> <bR> <div> I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. </div> <bR> <div> Chinese proverb: So many cats, so few recipes.</div> <bR> <div> If your voting could really change things it would be illegal.</div> <bR> <div> It may be your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others.</div> <bR> <div> Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?</div> <bR> <div> Join the Army, travel the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.</div> <bR> <div> If we weren't meant to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?</div> <bR> <div> HAM & EGGS: A days work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. </div> <bR> <div> What is a free gift? Aren't all GIFTS free?</div> <bR> <div> After all of that work, Alex Haley found out that he was adopted.</div> <bR> <div> When blonds have more fun do they know it?</div> <bR> <div> If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.</div> <bR> <div> News flash.... Police station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.</div> <bR> <div> What if Xerox and Wurlitzer merged? Would they produce </div> <div> reproductive organs?</div> <bR> <div> Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.</div> <bR> <div> The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.</div> <bR> <div> I always wanted to be a procrastinator, well maybe someday.....</div> <bR> <div> Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.</div> <bR> <div> Dyslexics have more Nuf.</div> <bR> <div> I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.</div> <bR> <div> Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?</div> <bR> <div> One-seventh of your life will be spent on Mondays.</div> <bR> <div> I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.</div> <bR> <div> News Flash: Suicidal twin kills brother by mistake.</div> <bR> <div> If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?</div> <bR> <div> If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth? </div> <bR> <div> Can you yell "Movie" in a crowded fire station?</div> <bR> <div> I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...</div> <bR> <div> Common sense isn't.</div> <bR> <div> How would we measure hail without golf balls?</div> <bR> <div> Why do they report power outages on TV?</div> <bR> <div> If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet?</div> <bR> <div> Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,and smile for a satellite picture.</div> <bR> <div> I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy</div> <div> signal. </div> <bR> <div> Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.</div> <bR> <div> I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.</div> <bR> <div> I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.</div> <bR> <div> I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.</div> <bR> <div> If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?</div> <bR> <div> The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose</div> <div> twice. Everything had two shadows.</div> <bR> <div> I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it</div> <div> all month." </div> <bR> <div> I got a new job designing synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.</div> <bR> <div> If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell? </div> <bR> <div> Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man your planning to kill, kills himself?</div> <bR> <div> Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.</div> <bR> <div> Weather forecast for tonight: Dark with widely scattered light at dawn.</div> <bR> <div> What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?</div> <bR> <div> The future will be better tomorrow.</div> <bR> <div> Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?</div> <bR> <div> Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?</div> <bR> <div> If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?</div> <bR> <div> Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? </div> <bR> <div> If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it? </div> <bR> <div> If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to? </div> <bR> <div> If you have chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other? </div> <bR> <div> If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? </div> <bR> <div> I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist. </div> <bR> <div> When a lion escapes from a circus in Africa how do they know when they've caught the right one? </div> <bR> <div> The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.</div> <bR> <div> A proctologist with poor depth perception. (Think about it)</div> <bR> <div> How can you be " Legally Drunk" or better yet "Legally Blind"?</div> <bR> <div> People tell you to give them your two cents worth, then they say they want a penny for your thoughts. Somewhere someone's making a penny</div> <bR> <div> I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters</div> <bR> <div> I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension</div> <bR> <bR> <div> All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.</div> <bR> <div> How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?</div> <bR> <div> Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.</div> <bR> <div> Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.</div> <bR> <div> If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.</div> <bR> <div> A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.</div> <bR> <div> The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.</div> <bR> <div> A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.</div> <bR> <div> If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.</div> <bR> <div> I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums</div> <bR> <div> A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.</div> <bR> <div> I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?" </div> <bR> <div> I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.</div> <bR> <div> I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.</div> <bR> <div> One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.</div> <bR> <div> Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the </div> <div> way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while </div> <div> healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of the store. </div> <bR> <div> Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet</div> <div> soup.</div> <bR> <div> A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.</div> <bR> <div> Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.</div> <bR> <div> I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence, There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work.</div> <bR> <div> My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.</div> <bR> <div> I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.</div> <bR> <div> I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.</div> <bR> <div> I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.</div> <bR> <div> My school colors were clear. We used to say, ''I'm not naked, I'm in the band."</div> <bR> <div> When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.</div> <bR> <div> I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I was doing.</div> <bR> <div> I like to reminisce with people I don't know.</div> <bR> <div> If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?</div> <bR> <div> I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.</div> <bR> <div> I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.</div> <bR> <div> I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ''help wanted''. There was another sign below it that said ''self service''. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.</div> <bR> <div> I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.</div> <bR> <div> I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.</div> <bR> <div> I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.</div> <bR> <div> I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.</div> <bR> <div> A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.</div> <bR> <div> The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.</div> <bR> <div> Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, wouldn't you be paranoid?</div> <bR> <div> I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.</div> <bR> <div> I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.</div> <bR> <div> Hermits have no peer pressure.</div> <bR> <div> Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.</div> <bR> <div> When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, ''I want my daughter back by 8:15.'' I said, ''the middle of August'' Cool!''</div> <bR> <div> I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, ''No thanks, I'm not going that far.''</div> <bR> <div> Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?</div> <bR> <div> For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.</div> <bR> <div> A guy asked me if I had the time. I said yes, but not right now.</div> <bR> <div> Black holes are where God divided by zero.</div> <bR> <div> Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.</div> <bR> <div> Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.</div> <bR> <div> I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.</div> <bR> <div> I just finished reading the dictionary the other day. Turns out the zebra did it.</div> <bR> <div> Everyone driving slower than you is an idiot. Everyone driving faster than you is a maniac.</div> <bR> <div> When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?</div> <bR> <div> Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.</div> <bR> <div> In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing ...</div> <bR> <div> I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure.</div> <bR> <div> The highway cop said, ''Walk a straight line.'' I said, ''Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.'' I said, ''Officer, I'm taking my mom to the hospital. She OD'd on reducing pills.'' He said, ''I don't see any woman with you.'' I said, ''I'm too late.'' He said, ''You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?'' I thought: Oooooh! A paradox.</div> <bR> <div> I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I replied: ''I don't know, reelection to the Senate?''</div> <bR> <div> Friday afternoon, I'm walking home from school and I'm watching some men building a new house. And the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo.</div> <div> In Morse code.</div> <bR> <div> I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.</div> <bR> <div> I started out with nothing. I still have most of it left.</div> <bR> <div> Borrow money from pessimists.they don't expect it back. </div> <bR> <div> Half the people you know are below average. </div> <bR> <div> Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. </div> <bR> <div> Always try to be modest and be proud of it. </div> <bR> <div> Change is inevitable...except from vending machines. </div> <bR> <div> For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. </div> <bR> <div> When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the</div> <div> neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.</div> <bR> <div> If you don't use a bank - and run out of money, do you just become 'RUPT'?</div> <bR> <div> Lymph,... to walk with a lisp.</div> <bR> <div> I'm not totally worthless. I can be used as a bad example.</div> <bR> <div> Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.</div> <bR> <div> One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.</div> <bR> <div> Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards??</div> <bR> <div> My mistake was buying stock in the company. Now I'm worried </div> <div> about the lousy work I'm turning out.</div> <bR> <div> Save the whales. Collect the whole set.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> A day without sunshine is like, night. </div> <bR> <div> Diplomacy is saying "Nice doggy" until you find a rock. </div> <bR> <div> Back up my hardrive? How do I put it in reverse? </div> <bR> <div> Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. </div> <bR> <div> He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged</div> <bR> <div> She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. </div> <bR> <div> Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. </div> <bR> <div> Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? </div> <bR> <div> If you want to know more about paranoids follow them around.</div> <bR> <div> Got a new car for my wife - great trade!</div> <bR> <div> Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?</div> <bR> <div> I'll stop procrastinating tommorow.</div> <bR> <div> Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.</div> <bR> <div> The difference between intelligence and stupidity is that intelligence has a limit.</div> <bR> <div> Frog parking only. All others will be toad.</div> <bR> <div> A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.</div> <bR> <div> Federal Express is a fly-by-night company.</div> <bR> <div> Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.</div> <bR> <div> If idiots could fly ... this place would be an airport.</div> <bR> <div> A closed mouth gathers no feet.</div> <bR> <div> Be alert (the world needs more lerts)</div> <bR> <div> "Lived here all your life?" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."Not yet."</div> <bR> <div> Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.</div> <bR> <div> I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.</div> <bR> <div> Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.</div> <bR> <div> Math illiteracy affects eight out of every five people.</div> <bR> <div> Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.</div> <bR> <div> They say an elephant never forgets, but what's he got to remember?</div> <bR> <div> Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.</div> <bR> <div> Elvis is dead. Give it up!</div> <bR> <div> There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.</div> <bR> <div> A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.</div> <bR> <div> The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.</div> <bR> <div> I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.</div> <bR> <div> I wanted to go the Paranoids Anonymous meeting, but they wouldn't tell me where it was.</div> <bR> <div> If you make something idiot-proof, someone, somewhere, will make a better idiot.</div> <bR> <div> Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.</div> <bR> <div> It's not an optical illusion it just looks like one.</div> <bR> <div> A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.</div> <bR> <div> Unless you're the lead dog, your view doesn't change.</div> <bR> <div> Dain bramaged.</div> <bR> <div> Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.</div> <bR> <div> Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.</div> <bR> <div> After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.</div> <bR> <div> You know the oxygen masks on airplanes ? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.</div> <bR> <div> I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault, and I have no faults.</div> <bR> <div> I love cats...they taste just like chicken.</div> <bR> <div> Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.</div> <bR> <div> Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.</div> <bR> <div> The gene pool could use a little chlorine.</div> <bR> <div> Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!</div> <bR> <div> Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.</div> <bR> <div> i souport publik edekasion</div> <bR> <div> I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.</div> <bR> <div> Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.</div> <bR> <div> Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together.</div> <bR> <div> Skydiving...good 'till the last drop.</div> <bR> <div> Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.</div> <bR> <div> Why don't they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?</div> <bR> <div> Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?</div> <bR> <div> When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?</div> <bR> <div> Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?</div> <bR> <div> What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?</div> <bR> <div> If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?</div> <bR> <div> If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?</div> <bR> <div> Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic...shouldn't they already know you're comming?</div> <bR> <div> If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?</div> <bR> <div> If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"</div> <bR> <div> I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?</div> <bR> <div> Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't </div> <div> zig-zag?</div> <bR> <div> Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.</div> <bR> <div> Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?</div> <bR> <div> Why is the man who invests all your money called a "broker"?</div> <bR> <div> When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?</div> <bR> <div> I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.</div> <bR> <div> Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.</div> <bR> <div> Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.</div> <bR> <div> You're just jealous because the voices talk only to me.</div> <bR> <div> As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.</div> <bR> <div> Give me ambiguity or give me something else.</div> <bR> <div> Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.</div> <bR> <div> Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.</div> <bR> <div> CAT - The Other White Meat!</div> <bR> <div> <B>Women should not have children after 35. Really...35</B></div> <div> <B>children are enough.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling</B></div> <div> <B>alleys.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's</B></div> <div> <B>been giving me lately!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many</B></div> <div> <B>dead rabbits on the highway?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>How come we choose from just two people for president and</B></div> <div> <B>50 for Miss America?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a</B></div> <div> <B>decimal point involved.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>My wife and I were happy for twenty years ....then we met.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody</B></div> <div> <B>listens to you anyway.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I saw a big woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I</B></div> <div> <B>said, 'Thyroid problem?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take</B></div> <div> <B>them while driving.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of</B></div> <div> <B>them get elected.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has</B></div> <div> <B>absolutely no trade-in value.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in</B></div> <div> <B>seven different languages.</B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="eye_chart.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Eye Chart "><U><IMG SRC="4ea64200.gif" border=0 width="100" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <div>  </table></center> <script language="JavaScript"> dCol='000080';//date colour. fCol='8B4513';//face colour. sCol='9400D3';//seconds colour. mCol='FF0000';//minutes colour. hCol='000000';//hours colour. ClockHeight=40; ClockWidth=40; ClockFromMouseY=0; ClockFromMouseX=100; //Alter nothing below! 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