Points to ponder
SOME POINTS THAT
I WONDER ABOUT & OBSERVATIONS
OF LIFE FROM A DIFFERENT
VIEW........................
If man evolved from monkeys
and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and
asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it
would defeat the purpose.
If someone with multiple
personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage
situation?
What do you do when you see
an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a turtle doesn't have a
shell, is he homeless or naked?
If the police arrest a mime,
do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How do blind people know when
they are done wiping?
Baseball is the only American
sport that appears backward when viewed in a mirror.
Where does the dentist go
when he leaves the room ?
Why is there no blue
food?
Nobody can ever know what a
totally deserted area looks like.
Why, in comic strips does the
cartoon figure on the left always speak first?
People who dance are labeled
insane by people who can't hear the music.
Why do people order
double cheeseburgers,
large fries and a DIET
soda!
Only in America... do people
use answering machines to screen
calls and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a call from
someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place!
Richard Milhouse Nixon was
the first US president whose name contains
all the letters from the word
"criminal."
The second? William Jefferson
Clinton. Coincidence?
How come wrong numbers are
never busy?
Do people in Australia call
the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does that screwdriver belong
to Phillip?
Can a stupid person be a
smart-elick?
Does killing time damage
eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a
beard?
Why is it called lipstick if
you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls
but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the
watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're
driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders
semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess
set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why
are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in
archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from
eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to
IV's as "4's"?
Do stars clean themselves
with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they
asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a
world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on
a toadstool?
How can there be self-help
"groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop
flight?
How do you write zero in
Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a
light year?
If a candle factory burns
down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a jogger runs at the speed
of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If Barbie's so popular, why
do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark
glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have
fur would we still pet them?
If space is a vacuum, who
changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your
shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out
of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish,
do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive,
why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will
you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say
"Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili'
if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out
to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with
the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If a parsley farmer is sued,
can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't
sheep shrink?
If you're a vegetarian, can
you still eat animal cookies?
Do cemetery workers prefer
the graveyard shift?
Do hungry crows have ravenous
appetites?
Why do people who know
the least know it the loudest?
Would a fly without
wings be called a walk?
Can fat people go
skinny-dipping?
Why do steam irons have
a permanent press setting?
Can you be a closet
claustrophobic?
Why is the word
abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be
totally partial?
What's another word
for thesaurus?
If a book about failures
doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is
at night, do folks drive with their
lights off?
When companies ship
styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have
dyslexia can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes
in a forest, will it make a sound?
If you were a glass of water,
would you ever get thirsty?
If people say, "Don't bug
me", do bugs say, "Don't people me"?
If you try to fail and
succeed, which do you do ?
"Time's fun when you're
having flies." - Kermit the Frog
A man who says marriage is a
50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Flashlight: A case for
holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding
furniture in the dark.
A fine is a tax for doing
wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered
that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is
to get more sleep.
When you go into court you
are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get
out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than
sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If you throw a cat out a car
window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn,
where does baby oil come from?
When a cow laughs does milk
come out its nose?
How did a fool and his money
GET together?
How do they get a deer to
cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why
can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the
needles for lethal injection?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear
helmets?
How do you know when its time
to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals
don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what
color does it turn?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing
eye sled dogs?
Why is there an
expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do they call it a TV set
when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18
half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should
you use a silencer?
What was the best thing
before sliced bread?
After eating, do amphibians
need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Before they invented drawing
boards, what did they go back to?
Can an ambidextrous person
make an off hand remark?
Do cannibals get hungry one
hour after eating a chinaman?
Do police sketch artists
start out by drawing chalk outlines?
Do they have reserved parking
for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Does condensed milk come from
smaller cows?
How come Superman could stop
bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at
him?
How does the guy who drives
the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is it possible to have a
civil war?
If "con" is the opposite of
"pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
If a man is standing in the
middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he
still wrong?
If a mute swears, does his
mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If all those psychics know
the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If convenience stores are
open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?
If all the world is a stage,
where is the audience sitting?
If it's zero degrees outside
today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to
be?
If lawyers are disbarred and
clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and
drycleaners depressed?
If love is blind, why
is lingerie so popular?
If nothing ever sticks to
TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If people from Poland are
called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
If one synchronized swimmer
drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If someone invented instant
water, what would they mix it with?
If the #2 pencil is the most
popular, why is it still #2?
If the black box flight
recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane
made out of the stuff?
If the singular of GEESE is
GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?
If the universe is
everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it
expanding into?
If vegetarians eat
vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If work is so terrific, how
come they have to pay you to do it?
If you mixed vodka with
orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's
Screwdriver?
If you take an Oriental man
and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Is boneless chicken
considered to be an invertebrate?
Is there another word for
synonym?
Isn't Disney World a people
trap operated by a mouse?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that
doctors call what they do "practice?"
Just think how much deeper
the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
Should a mute be yelled at
for talking with their hands full?
Should crematoriums give a
discount to burn victims?
Should you trust a
stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Since Americans throw rice at
weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
So what's the speed of
dark?
What does Geronimo yell when
he jumps out of a plane?
What happens if you get
scared ½ to death twice?
What would a chair look like
if your knees bent the other way?
When I erase a word with a
pencil, where does it go?
When you choke a smurf, what
color does it turn?
Where do forest rangers go to
"get away from it all?"
Why are there D batteries, C
batteries, AAA batteries, AA batteries, but no B or single A
batteries??
Why are there interstate
highways in Hawaii?
Why do banks charge you a
"non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't
have?
Why do croutons come in
airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why do they put Braille dots
on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways
and park on driveways?
Why do we put suits in a
garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why do we say something is
out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we wait until a pig is
dead to "cure" it?
Why do you need a driver's
license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why do you press harder on a
remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why don't they make
mouse-flavored cat food?
Why don't they call mustaches
Mouthbrows?
Why don't they invent a
cordless extension cord?
Why is a person who plays the
piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a
racist?
Why is it called after dark
when it's really after light?
Why is it that no word in the
English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why is it that when you
transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport
something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it, when a door is
open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Why is it, whether you sit up
or sit down, the result is the same?
Who put the alphabet in
alphabetical order?
Why isn't phonetic spelled
the way it sounds?
Would a blind tourist use a
sightseeing eye dog?
Eagles may soar, but weasels
don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but
the second mouse gets the cheese.
He who laughs last, thinks
slowest.
Help wanted: Telepath ... you
know where to apply.
I drive way too fast to worry
about cholesterol.
I'm not a complete idiot;
some parts are missing.
I took an IQ test and the
results were negative.
Nothing is fool-proof to a
sufficiently talented fool.
On the other hand, you have
five different fingers.
One tequila, two tequila,
three tequila, floor.
You have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against
you.
When every thing's coming
your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When the chips are down, the
buffalo is empty.
War doesn't determine who's
right, just who's left.
I almost had a psychic
girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I just got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory.
I just got skylights put in
my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Last night I played a blank
tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
I want to die in my sleep
like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his
car.
I went for a walk last night,
and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole
time."
Tell a man that there are 400
billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has
to touch it.
When a man talks dirty to a
woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per
minute.
You can't trust dogs to watch
your food.
Never hold a dust buster and
a cat at the same time.
Raising teenagers is like
nailing Jell-O to a tree.
My mind not only wanders,
sometimes it leaves completely.
Right now I'm having amnesia
and deja vu at the same time.
It doesn't matter what
temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I had to stop driving my car
for a while...the tires got dizzy.
There was a power outage at a
department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the
escalators.
My friend Bryan is a
procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years
old.
In my house on the ceilings I
have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go
upstairs.
A friend of mine is into
Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go to him. You'll just be walking down the
street,
and...ooooohhhhhh, that's
much better...
I went to a general store.
They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I
have an extra Xerox machine.
My girlfriend does her nails
with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on
them.
One time the power went out
in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made
a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was
lightning in my house.
I have an answering machine
in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm
out."
I went to the hardware store
and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some
batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them
again.
I took a course in speed
waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
How young can you die of old
age?
I went to a restaurant that
serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the
Renaissance.
I put instant coffee in a
microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I used to own an ant farm but
had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit
it.
I wrote a song, but I can't
read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening
to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I went to a 7-11 and asked
for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I bought a dog the other
day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here,
Stay!" He went insane.
If a word in the dictionary
were misspelled, how would we know?
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25
Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I saw a man with a wooden
leg, and a real foot.
When I turned two I was
really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps
up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Officer, I know I was going
faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an
hour.
When I get real bored, I like
to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how
many people ask me if I'm leaving.
I saw a bank that said "24
Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I bought some powdered water,
but I don't know what to add to it.
For my birthday I got a
humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight
it out.
(If you can't hear me,
it's because I'm in parentheses.)
It's a small world, but I
wouldn't want to have to paint it.
If you're not part of the
solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What happens if you put a
slinkey on an escalator?
I have a map of the United
States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer
folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll
it.
I planted some bird seed. A
bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I used to work in a fire
hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
A friend of mine once sent me
a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the
back it said, "Wish you were here."
I plugged my phone in where
the blender used to be. I called someone. They went
"Aaaaahhhh..."
When I woke up this morning
my wife asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few
mistakes."
I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about
everything.
It's a good thing we have
gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would
be all confused.
I bought my brother some
gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to
wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop
unwrapping.
I have a microwave fireplace
in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening
in two minutes.
I was in the grocery store. I
saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a
sign that said "compact cars".
I went to the bank and asked
to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some
sugar."
I was a peripheral visionary.
I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I spilled spot remover on my
dog, Spot. Now he's gone.
I stayed up all night playing
poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four
people died.
I had amnesia once or was it
twice?
Is it OK to use the AM
radio after noon?
What do chickens think
we taste like?
What do people in China call
THEIR good plates?
When dog food is new
and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those
two mosquitoes?
Why doesn't glue stick
to the inside of the bottle?
Why is the word "dictionary"
in the dictionary?
If a firefighter fights
fire and a crimefighter fights crime, what does a freedomfighter
fight?
If you are driving at the
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what
happens?
Why are they called
apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do
they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America... do we use
the word 'politics' to describe
the process so well: 'Poli'
in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
I have an inferiority
complex. But it's not a very good one.
I was in the supermarket the
other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands.
Her name was 'woman'.
I was trying to daydream, but
my mind kept wandering.
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I
know in advance what I'll forget.
Something's wrong with my
television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.
I actually bought a congressman.
When you're in school, and
there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to
tallest. What is the logic?
Do tall people burn
slower?
I went to the cinema, and the
prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys
and a girl.'
Just imagine if birds were
allergic to feathers.
The other day, I went to a
tourist information booth
and asked, "Tell me
about some of the people who were here last year".
I was born by Cesarean
section. But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a
house, I go out through the window.
I've been doing a lot of
abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I
just think about it.
When I die, I'm leaving my
body to science fiction.
I bought this thing for my
car. You put it on your car, it
sends out this little noise,
so when you drive through the
woods, deer won't run in
front of your car. I installed it
backwards by accident. Now I
drive down the street with a
herd of deer chasing me.
My wife and I went on a
picnic. I don't know how
she did it, but she got
poison ivy on the brain. When it
itched, the only way she
could scratch it was to think
about
sandpaper.
When I was crossing the
border into Canada,
they asked if I had any
firearms with me.
I said, 'Well, what do you
need?'
My watch is three hours slow,
and I can't fix it.
So I'm going to move to Los
Angles.
Why is it illegal to park in
a handicapped parking space but okay
to go the bathroom in a
handicapped stall?
How come hot-dogs come in 10
packs but the buns come in 8 packs?
Whatever happened to
Preparations "A" through "G" ?
I'm writing an unauthorized
autobiography.
Chinese proverb: So many
cats, so few recipes.
If your voting could really
change things it would be illegal.
It may be your sole purpose
in life to simply serve as a warning to others.
Other than that, Mrs.
Lincoln, how was the play?
Join the Army, travel the
world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
If we weren't meant to eat
animals, then why are they made of meat?
HAM & EGGS: A days
work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
What is a free gift? Aren't
all GIFTS free?
After all of that work, Alex
Haley found out that he was adopted.
When blonds have more fun do
they know it?
If at first you don't
succeed, skydiving is not for you.
News flash.... Police station
toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
What if Xerox and Wurlitzer
merged? Would they produce
reproductive
organs?
Gaseous clouds have been
detected around Uranus.
The latest survey shows that
3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
I always wanted to be a
procrastinator, well maybe someday.....
Endless Love: Stevie Wonder
and Ray Charles playing tennis.
Dyslexics have more
Nuf.
I may be schizophrenic, but
at least I have each other.
Is reading in the bathroom
considered multi-tasking?
One-seventh of your life will
be spent on Mondays.
I have kleptomania, but when
it gets bad, I take something for it.
News Flash: Suicidal twin
kills brother by mistake.
If your feet smell and your
nose runs, are you built upside down?
If aliens are smart enough to
travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?
Can you yell "Movie" in a
crowded fire station?
I can see clearly now, the
brain is gone...
Common sense
isn't.
How would we measure hail
without golf balls?
Why do they report power
outages on TV?
If I melt dry ice can I swim
without getting wet?
Every so often, I like to
stick my head out the window, look up,and smile for a satellite
picture.
I got an answering machine
for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a
recording of a busy
signal.
Curiosity killed the
cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I made wine out of raisins so
I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a subliminal
advertising executive, but only for a second.
I used to be a bartender at
the Betty Ford Clinic.
If all the nations in the
world are in debt, where did all the money go?
The sun got confused about
daylight savings time. It rose
twice. Everything had
two shadows.
I've never seen electricity,
so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen
it
all month."
I got a new job designing
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
If a really stupid person
becomes senile, how can you tell?
Why do they put a suicide
watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man your planning
to kill, kills himself?
Some people think of the
glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the
glass as too big.
Weather forecast for tonight:
Dark with widely scattered light at dawn.
What hair color do they put
on the driver's licenses of bald men?
The future will be better
tomorrow.
Can a storm be officially
designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer
park?
Do Lipton employees take
coffee breaks?
If a train station is where
the train stops, what is a work station?
Why do they lock gas station
bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you mail a letter to the
post office, who delivers it?
If you get cheated by the
Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
If you have chicken at lunch
and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?
If the Cincinnati Reds were
really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
I don't own a camera, so I
travel with a police sketch artist.
When a lion escapes from a
circus in Africa how do they know when they've caught the right one?
The other night I ate at a
real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
A proctologist with poor
depth perception. (Think about it)
How can you be " Legally
Drunk" or better yet "Legally Blind"?
People tell you to give them
your two cents worth, then they say they want a penny for your thoughts.
Somewhere someone's making a penny
I went to a store and asked
if they had anything to put under coasters
I put tape on the mirrors in
my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another
dimension
All those who believe in
psychokinesis raise my hand.
How do you tell when you're
out of invisible ink?
Ambition is a poor excuse for
not having enough sense to be lazy.
Everyone has a photographic
memory. Some just don't have film.
If at first you don't
succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place
where you got tired of thinking.
The sooner you fall behind,
the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually
the sign of a bad memory.
If you think nobody cares
about you, try missing a couple of payments.
My theory of evolution is
that Darwin was adopted.
I went to the museum where
they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other
museums
A lot of people are afraid of
heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I went to a fancy French
restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
I had some eyeglasses. I was
walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I
don't know when I'll use it.
One night I walked home very
late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on
TV's all over the world.
Only in America... do
drugstores make the sick walk all the
way to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front of the store.
Ever wonder if illiterate
people get the full effect of alphabet
soup.
A lady came up to me on the
street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were
any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
Outside of a dog, a book is a
man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I wish there was a knob on
the TV to turn up the intelligence, There's a knob called brightness, but it
doesn't work.
My neighbor has a circular
driveway...he can't get out.
I bought a self learning
record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.
The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I put contact lenses in my
dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he
ran around in circles.
I didn't get a toy train like
the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every
now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
My school colors were clear.
We used to say, ''I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I want to
buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around,
looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
he didn't obey.
I got a new shadow. I had to
get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I was doing.
I like to reminisce with
people I don't know.
If you saw a heat wave, would
you wave back?
I have the world's largest
collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps
you've seen it.
I had a friend who was a
clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one
car.
I saw a sign at a gas
station. It said ''help wanted''. There was another sign below it that said
''self service''. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself
a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I used to be an airline
pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me
on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
I want to get a tattoo of
myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all
night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted
passing lines on curved roads.
I was watching the Superbowl
with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the
instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I
figured the game he was watching was better.
A truly wise man never plays
leapfrog with a unicorn.
The trouble with doing
something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it
was.
Paranoids are people, too;
they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated
you, wouldn't you be paranoid?
I stayed in a really old
hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I'm taking La maze classes.
I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
Hermits have no peer
pressure.
Whenever I think of the past,
it brings back so many memories.
When I was in high school, I
got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, ''I want my daughter back by
8:15.'' I said, ''the middle of August'' Cool!''
I was hitchhiking the other
day, and a hearse stopped. I said, ''No thanks, I'm not going that
far.''
Ballerinas are always on
their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
For my sister's 40th
birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
A guy asked me if I had the
time. I said yes, but not right now.
Black holes are where God
divided by zero.
Support bacteria - they're
the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger
without enthusiasm.
I couldn't repair your
brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I just finished reading the
dictionary the other day. Turns out the zebra did it.
Everyone driving slower than
you is an idiot. Everyone driving faster than you is a maniac.
When you open a bag of cotton
balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Everyday I beat my own
previous record for number of consecutive days I've
stayed alive.
In labor news, longshoremen
walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
...
I used to be indecisive but
now I'm not so sure.
The highway cop said, ''Walk
a straight line.'' I said, ''Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could
ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram
of your own brain waves.'' I said, ''Officer, I'm taking my mom to the hospital.
She OD'd on reducing pills.'' He said, ''I don't see any woman with you.'' I
said, ''I'm too late.'' He said, ''You're under arrest. You have the right to
remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?'' I thought: Oooooh! A
paradox.
I was pulled over in
Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked
if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I replied:
''I don't know, reelection to the Senate?''
Friday afternoon, I'm walking
home from school and I'm watching some men building a new house. And the guy
hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo.
In Morse
code.
I used to think that the
brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling
me this.
I started out with nothing. I
still have most of it left.
Borrow money from
pessimists.they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are
below average.
Bills travel through the mail
at twice the speed of checks.
Always try to be modest and
be proud of it.
Change is inevitable...except
from vending machines.
For every action, there is an
equal and opposite criticism.
When I'm feeling down, I like
to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end
of his chain and gag himself.
If you don't use a bank - and
run out of money, do you just become 'RUPT'?
Lymph,... to walk with
a lisp.
I'm not totally worthless. I
can be used as a bad example.
Growing old is mandatory;
growing up is optional.
One of the life's mysteries
is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five
pounds.
Can it be a mistake that
"STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards??
My mistake was buying stock
in the company. Now I'm worried
about the lousy work I'm
turning out.
Save the whales. Collect the
whole set.
A day without sunshine is
like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "Nice
doggy" until you find a rock.
Back up my hardrive? How do I
put it in reverse?
Those who live by the sword
get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead. He's
electroencephalographically challenged
She's always late. Her
ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
Pardon my driving, I'm
reloading.
Despite the cost of living,
have you noticed how it remains so popular?
If you want to know more
about paranoids follow them around.
Got a new car for my wife -
great trade!
Have you ever seen a plumber
bite his nails?
I'll stop procrastinating
tommorow.
Some people can tell what
time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the
numbers.
The difference between
intelligence and stupidity is that intelligence has a limit.
Frog parking only. All others
will be toad.
A verbal contract isn't worth
the paper it's printed on.
Federal Express is a
fly-by-night company.
Never use a preposition to
end a sentence with.
If idiots could fly ... this
place would be an airport.
A closed mouth gathers no
feet.
Be alert (the world needs
more lerts)
"Lived here all your life?" .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."Not yet."
Alcohol and calculus don't
mix. Never drink and derive.
I will not be briefed
or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
Diarrhea is hereditary, it
runs in your jeans.
Math illiteracy affects eight
out of every five people.
Artificial intelligence is no
match for natural stupidity.
They say an elephant never
forgets, but what's he got to remember?
Whenever I feel like
exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Elvis is dead. Give it
up!
There are three ways to get
something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do
it.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a cash advance.
The optimist thinks this is
the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is
true.
I've changed my mind a dozen
times. It seems to work better now.
I wanted to go the Paranoids
Anonymous meeting, but they wouldn't tell me where it was.
If you make something
idiot-proof, someone, somewhere, will make a better idiot.
Of all the things I've lost,
I miss my mind the most.
It's not an optical illusion
it just looks like one.
A Smith & Wesson beats
four aces.
Unless you're the lead dog,
your view doesn't change.
Dain
bramaged.
Hypochondria is the one
disease I have not got.
Laugh alone and the world
thinks you're an idiot.
After two days in hospital I
took a turn for the nurse.
You know the oxygen masks on
airplanes ? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to
muffle the screams.
I'm not conceited. Conceit is
a fault, and I have no faults.
I love cats...they taste just
like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five
minutes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy;
Other times I let her sleep.
The gene pool could use a
little chlorine.
Time is the best teacher;
Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam
up my clothes.
i souport publik
edekasion
I don't suffer from insanity.
I enjoy every minute of it.
Ask not for whom the bell
tolls, let the machine get it.
Duct tape is like the Force.
It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe
together.
Skydiving...good 'till the
last drop.
Money talks...but all mine
ever says is good-bye.
Why don't they just use
fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?
Why is it considered
necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
When they first invented the
clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
Why aren't there ever any
guilty bystanders?
What do you say if you're
talking to God, and he sneezes?
If a pig is sold to the pawn
shop, is it considered a ham-hock?
If Superman is so smart why
does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
Why do you need an
appointment to see a psychic...shouldn't they already know you're
comming?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to
merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and
winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're
ahead?"
I thought about how
mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what
Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Ever wonder what the speed of
lightning would be if it didn't
zig-zag?
Nostalgia isn't what it
used to be.
Whose cruel idea was it for
the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why is the man who invests
all your money called a "broker"?
When cheese gets it's picture
taken, what does it say?
I Work Hard Because Millions
On Welfare Depend on Me.
Some people are alive only
because it's illegal to kill them.
Don't take life too
seriously, you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because
the voices talk only to me.
As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer in public schools.
Give me ambiguity or give me
something else.
Always remember you're
unique, just like everyone else.
Consciousness: that annoying
time between naps.
CAT - The Other White
Meat!
Women should
not have children after 35. Really...35
children are
enough.
Shopping tip:
You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling
alleys.
I married my
wife for her looks... but not the ones she's
been giving
me lately!
If carrots
are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many
dead rabbits
on the highway?
How come we
choose from just two people for president and
50 for Miss
America?
I earn a
seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a
decimal point
involved.
Snowmen fall
from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I
were happy for twenty years ....then we met.
Home is where
you can say anything you like 'cause nobody
listens to
you anyway.
I saw a big
woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
said,
'Thyroid problem?
Sign In Pet
Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Regular naps
prevent old age..... especially if you take
them while
driving.
I don't
approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of
them get
elected.
If women can
have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
The most
precious thing we have is life. Yet it has
absolutely no
trade-in value.
Travel is
very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in
seven
different languages.
If a chicken
coupe has four doors,
Is it considered a ckicken sedan?
If a sea
gull flies over the bay,
Is it called a begal?
Women should
put pictures of their
missing husbands on beer cans.
I'd like to
sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.
It's called, 'They'll Find Her
When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
Smoking
cures weight problems... eventually.
Why are
there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
If life was
fair, Elvis would be alive,
and all the impersonators would be dead.
A wino asked
me for change... I gave him my shirt.
The ice
cream truck in my
neighborhood plays 'Helter Skelter'.
One time I
went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by children.
They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
If Jimmy
cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a song about
him?
Why do
people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to
their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does
your gynaecologist leave the room
when you get undressed considering what
happens next?
Why do the
Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing
and read on . . .
Did you ever
notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you
take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
If
electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If Wile E.
Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,
why didn't he just buy
dinner?
Can a hearse
carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
Who was the
first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly
things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
If the
professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,
why can't he
fix a hole in a boat?
Give a
person a fish and you feed them for a day;
teach that person to use the
Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people
are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I read
recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and I think,
"Well, that's not going to happen."
Have you
noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days
no one talks about seeing
UFOs like they use to.
According to
a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their
eyes,
and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch
of liars.
Whenever I
feel blue, I start breathing again.
Have you
noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars
and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's
people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is
supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it
bears a very close resemblance to the oldest profession.
Every day I
get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America.
If
I'm not there, I go to work.
All the
problems we face in the United States today can be traced
to an
unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American
Indian.
I haven't
reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is
spending less than my wife.
You know
"that look" women get when they want sex? ............Me neither!!.
Sex at age
90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope!
You know the
world has gone crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is
a black guy,
the Swiss hold the America's cup, France is accusing the U.S. of
arrogance,
and Germany doesn't want to go to war!
Why does Sea
World have a seafood restaurant?
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I
realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner!
I always
wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific!
The
statistics on sanity are that
one out of every four Americans is suffering
from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they
are okay, then it's you!
Do infants
enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultry ?
OK....If the
Jacksonville Jaguars are called the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are
called the "Bucs",
Then what do you call the Tennesse Titans?
If 4 out of
5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Consistency
is the final refuge of the unimaginative.
What's the
difference between "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance"?
Hockey is a
game for white guys
Basketball is a game for black guys
Golf is a game for
white guys dressed like black guys.
Never go to
bed angry...Stay up and plot your revenge.
Squirrels....Natures little speed bumps!
If it
weren't for physics and law enforcement
I'd be unstoppable!
Annoy a
politician
Think for yourself.
Have you
noticed how closed minds
are always connected to open mouths?
If ALL ELSE
fails....Stop using ALL ELSE!
I'd live up
to my potential
It didn't cut into my goofing off time!
I'm not
myself today
Mabe I'm you.
DYSLEXICS
UNTIE!
If you think
pushing 40 is hard
Wait until you start dragging it!
In the U.S.
a woman gives birth every 12 seconds
She must be found and stopped!!
The 2 most
important rules for success:
1. Never tell all that you know
2.
Even if the
voices aren't real
They have some really good ideas.
Politicians,
like diapers, should be changed often.
And for the same reason!
I
fish...therefore....I lie.
I've started
a new exercise program. I do 20 sit ups every morning.
That may not sound
like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button just so many times.
90% of men
kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
The rest kiss their house
goodbye when they leave the wife.
Aoccdrnig to
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers
in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter
by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
My computer
beat me at chess once,
But it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Algebra was
easy for the Romans because "X" was always 10.
Adam and Eve
were the first people on earth............Did they have belly buttons?
If today is
the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
If you learn
from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius?
I saw a sign
that said "seeing eye dogs only" who is supposed to read this? the dog?
Why does the
sun on the Raisin Bran cereal box wear sunglasses?
Why do we
wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Everyone
thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Therapy is
expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I like cats,
too. Let's exchange recipes.
Did the
aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
I'm not
crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Suburbia:
where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
One nice
thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
Never
underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I doubt,
therefore I might be.
Women like
silent men, they think they're listening.
Do
pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
The word
listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
You never
really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The main
reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Could it be
that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as
mattresses?
Can you get
cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?
A stitch in
time saves nine what?
Are female
moths called myths?
Are there a
lot of virgins in the Virgin Islands?
What are
imitation rhinestones?
Sexual
harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed?
Could
crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?
What do you
call a male ladybug?
What do they
call a French kiss in France?
Crime
doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
What happens
if you take a survival course - and you don't pass?
What if
someone died in the living room?
Do Scottish
Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?
What is
shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?
What is the
diameter of a square?
When day
breaks who fixes it?
When night
falls who picks it up?
Where did
Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
Where is Old
Zealand?
Who opened
that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"
Who was the
first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think,
"I'll bet
that would be good to eat?
Why can't
you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
If a mirror
reverses right and left, why doesn't it reverse up and down?
Why do
flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why do they
call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If peanut
butter cookies are made from peanut butter,
then what are Girl Scout cookies
made out of?
Why does it
take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?
If time
heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
Why don't
you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is
brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why is your
index finger the same size as your nostrils?
Why is it
that to stop Windows , you have to click on "Start"?
A synonym is
a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
What happens
if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?
What happens
to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
Does an
analyst have to be anal?
How can
someone "draw a blank"?
Where are we
going? And what's with this hand basket?
Who killed
the Dead Sea?
How do you
know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
How is it
possible to run out of space?
Why are you
expected to slow down in a speed zone?
Why can't we
tickle ourselves?
If a pronoun
is a word used in place of a noun,
is a proverb a word used in place of a
verb?
Why do
people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed?
Do
they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi?
If athletes
get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If
everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of?
Why do they
make scented toilet paper?
If flowers
don't talk back to you, are they mums?
If humans
have nightmares, what do horses have?
Why do we
have hot water heaters when hot water doesn't need to be heated?
If rabbits'
feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
Why is a
boxing ring square?
Why is it
that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles?
Why is it
that rain drops but snow falls?
To Be
Continued.......
