SIREN
CALL
Sun
Herald
19-07-98
by
Paul McDermott
How would it be if we all
drove ambulances? It would alter the whole landscape of traffic
chaos, says Paul McDermott...
This was the perfect
conclusion to an unspectacular day: a traffic jam. I surveryed
the world from the car window. The glassy-eyed misery of every
driver mirrored my own. We sat in unmoving lines of metal and
rubber, spewing forth carbon monoxide from exhausts left to idle
for hours. We had one thing in common - we all wanted to be
somewhere else - but there we were, trapped, our lives wasting
away to the hits of the seventies, eighties and nineties.
Then something inspiring
happened. I heard it before I saw it, a clean, beautiful machine
ducking and weaving through the assembled throng. This car seemed
to skate over the top of us; it showed no concern for road rules
as it mounted the pavement. Terrified smaller cars bunched
together helping it through, clumsy vehicles bumped fenders to
get out of the way. I became aware of the hierarchy of the
automobile. There I was trapped in a second rate road muncher, a
four wheeled death trap, while what was akin to automotive
royalty flew by. Its tail lights disappeared into the night and
we were left to contemplate its passing.
We were stuck at the lights,
our meagre lives dwindling away, while this magnificient vehicle
sped on, saving and savouring life. It had a graceful,
streamlined appearance and sirens and lights and words written
backward on the hood. It was a sublime combination of form and
function.
We'd all get to where we were
going a lot quicker if we drove ambulances.
Ambulance drivers must get
everything done they need to do - I'm envious of the time they
must save. They'd be able to pay the bills, do the banking and
make it from one side of town to the other even in rush hour.
Nothing would stand in their way. Imagine just for one day having
all that power and using it for your own selfish ends. An
ambulance driver would never do anything untoward, but if these
people have nothing to hide, why are the windows always closed?
I am, by nature, suspicious.
If an ambulance passes me at the lights I have no idea it it's
someone with a ruptured kidney being rushed to hospital or
someone just rushing home to catch Seinfeld. Of course, I'm not
so grim as to imagine that if the occupant was geriatric having a
cardiac that the driver would whip down to the shops and do a bit
of grocery shopping in the meantime.
Everyone seems to be coming
up with insane plans for saving this country at the moment, so
here's another. It's a fairly radical idea but it could just
work. I believe we should all drive ambulances. We should piss
off every other car on the market and just make and sell
ambulances. That way we could all get to where we're going,
there'd be no traffic jams, and freeways would be just that. I
guess if we all had them it would defeat the purpose, but just
for a moment, let's weigh up the pros and cons.
On the negative side the
ambulance is quite difficult to park. On the positive side you
could probably leave it anywhere as long as the lights were
flashing.
On the negative side it could
get annoying if the kids are always playing with the sirens and
the lights. On the positive side you've got as much pure oxygen
as you want.
On the negative side with
everyone ignoring the road rules, running reds, mounting the
pavement, there'd be a lot more accidents. On the positive side
there'd always be an ambulance around if you were an accident. So
I think I'll go out on a limb here and suggest that every car in
this beautiful, brown country of ours be an ambulance.
Hell, it makes as much sense as printing money.
*PS: I personally think the
ambulance service does a wonderful and essential job and if I
should be involved in some accident in the next few weeks I would
trust that this flight of fancy is not taken personally.
Thanks to Lisa
for this Article
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