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All characters except that of Lila's husband are copyrighted to MCA
Universal. I do not intend to make
any profit from this story.
Rating: PG - squeaky clean!
Home
by Nancy The bard stepped to the edge of the river, it's bubbly edge enticing her with it's cool refrain. Slipping off her boots, she brought herself down to the pebble-strewn sand and let her feet dip into the burbling body of water. Leaning back on arms propped, she closed her eyes with a sigh. This was heaven. It had been years since she dipped her feet into this river, contemplated life on this bank. Always she had been alone, and yet today, she didn't feel alone as much. Potedaia had greeted her with open arms this morning, her mother still lamenting the loss of her daughter's long sweet-blonde locks, her father still eyeing Xena gaurdedly, and young Lila - young... Gabrielle laughed sadly. She musn't have been as young as she felt she was... Her brain didn't register the fact too well, not about her younger sister who was still in cloth nappies at 4 and had a fancy for her dopey companion Joxer. Well, had must have been the operative word. Lila... Lila was getting married? Her brain stopped working when Lila burst out with the news. Her large blue eyes were shining with excitement, and totally ignored Joxer, which was the second thing to shock Gabrielle that day. Why it surprised her so much she didn't know, Lila had been of age for years now. Apparently a family from the next town had taken up trading with families in Potedaia, and at the stalls romance blossomed between Lila and young Rannon. Hmm, a celtic name, Gabrielle mused. Gabrielle looked down to her hands. They were worn, but not with the effort of house work. Looking down to her feet she wondered how they kept so smooth considering the miles she walked. "I should get my own damned horse," she said to herself. Gazing to the constantly rippling, moving water, Gabrielle sighed. Married... how glorious it had been for her, that brief time of Marriage. It surprised the bard how much she missed it. She knew how much she would miss Xena more than a marriage... and perhaps Joxer? Gabrielle laughed. What was there to miss about Joxer? The crunch of dead leaves and undergrowth invaded the tranquility Gabrielle had built up around herself, and with a wry smile the bard sighed. Speaking of Hades... "Gabby... Gab.. Oh, there you are..." The awkward fellow staggered through a thicket of dry wildflowers, casting an aggrivated look at the stubborn plant. "Stupid..." He glanced back to Gabrielle, "Hey - I wondered where you'd gotten to..." "I was getting some peace and quiet," Gabrielle said with some secret irony, and Joxer nodded. It was then his noisy entry registered. "Oh - Gab - I'm sorry I'll go..." "No, it's okay," Gabrielle smiled softly, "I guess I was meant to have company this afternoon." Joxer nodded, loping next to her at the shore. He sat down, with much clanking, getting himself comfortable. Looking to the water he saw Gabrielle's porcelain feet sitting in the cool currents, the water running over it adoringly. Joxer smiled a small smile, giving Gabrielle a sidewards glance. "Is that nice?" he asked, and Gabrielle glanced to him in return at the strange question. Upon a longer look Gabrielle realised he meant the childishly simple question. "Yeah," Gabrielle nodded, "It is actually. A bit cold but..." "Oh, you should wrap the sari around you then," Joxer said, and Gabrielle smiled. "Maybe. So - where's Xena?" Joxer slouched forward in his cross legged position. "Aah, she's looking after Argo. Getting her all nice and rubbed down and giving her some of the oats your mother gave her." Gabrielle got an answer to her satisfaction, and now gazed into the river. "At least Mom is being nice to her." Joxer nodded, "I'm sorry to say it but I think your Dad really hates Xena." The bard laughed, "You don't say." Joxer smiled at her sarcasm, and calmed a moment, "You know, your Dad is strange. He is really awful to Xena, who is the most amazing person I know, and he's nice to me - and I'm a no one." "No you're not," Gabrielle said, shaking her head, "Everyone has their place, Joxer. Your role in this life isn't the warrior." "It's all I've ever wanted..." he breathed. Gabrielle glanced to him, not expecting the serious tone. "It's all your father wanted, Joxer," Gabrielle said softly. Joxer nodded, "I know, but I don't know what else to be." Gabrielle smiled, pulling off Joxer's helmet. His eyes widened, his whole body stiffening. "Relax Joxer," Gabrielle said, loosening the armour, "I want you to do a meditation with me..." "Aah, Gabby, I'm no good at that stuff." Kneeling in the sand next to him the bard's green eyes glowed, "You've never tried it!" Joxer gulped, "I now that's why I don't think I'd be good at it - why are you taking off my armour?" "I want you to be comfortable," she said, finally helping him with the mismatching gauntlets at his arms. She looked over his stature, and gave a prim smile. "There. Legs crossed... back straight Joxer, stop slouching..." Joxer did as he said, rolling his eyes some. "It's not going to help you if you don't give it a chance..." Meeting her serious gaze he sighed finally. "Okay, I'll give it a try." "Right. Now," Gabrielle got herself in a similar position. "I want you to breath evenly. Let go of your thoughts, slowly..." She watched him try her technique, his usually goofy features falling relaxed. Somehow, he looked handsome. Gabrielle shook the thought from her mind and breathed evenly herself, getting into a lotus position, knees crossed and feet up on her calves. She wouldn't ask Joxer to try that stance, not yet anyway. She doubted he was quite that flexible. "Now," she said, "I'm going to count backwards, and I want you to feel yourself falling..." Joxer nodded fractionally. "5..... 4..... 3..... 2....." "Waah!" Joxer jumped, clutching the fuzzy tunic in front of his heart. Gabrielle glared at him. "What's wrong?" she breathed, surprised to see the man shuddering all over. "I saw - Gods..." "What did you see Joxer? We didn't even start the meditation..." He looked to her, obsidian eyes afire with fear. He gulped, looking away. "It's stupid I don't think I should-" "Joxer-" She clutched his shoulder, "Whatever it is, you can tell me..." He sighed, looking to her, a slow blink showing his want of decline, "I saw Criton, okay?" Gabrielle sighed, letting the hand clutching his shoulder relax a little, squeezing it softly now, "It's okay, Joxer, it's normal to see your past during the countdown... it's a form of letting go. I'd often see my first kill when beginning to meditate..." "Why do you do this?" he asked her. Gabrielle smiled softly. "It's all a part of dealing with the pain, letting it go." "But you can't let it go," he said, "It's a part of you..." Gabrielle examined his features a moment, and smiled with a slow nod, "You're right, but I meant - you have to accept the pain, and then let it go." Joxer nodded, "I didn't understand you meant that before," he said, "I - I thought you meant - it always seemed to me you were trying to get away from the pain, sort of - disconnect from it instead of trying to deal with it..." The bard sighed, gazing out into the forest with a sigh, "Maybe I was, at first. But the more I meditated, the more I understood. I see you in your pain, Joxer. You let it take you over..." "I deserve it," he said, self loathing evident in his tones, "I mean - I'm no use to anyone, and all I seem to do is make mistakes! Finally when I do some good, I hurt people from it!" "Everyone gets hurt Joxer," breathed Gabrielle, "It's a part of life... Don't punish yourself for things you can't control." He nods, "It's just I'm always getting you guys into trouble!" Gabrielle finally smiled, "Xena gets me into trouble. I get her into trouble, and I'm sure I've gotten you into trouble some time!" "When we were trying to stop Jett, remember?" She nodded. "I remember. We'll try the meditation again... maybe a little soul searching will show you something about yourself you didn't know." Joxer nodded slowlyl, getting into the position again, "Okay." "Breath slowly," she said, "Think about your breaths. Feel the air going inside of you. Feel it energize you, and slowly, as you let it out again. Think of the air - not of anything else. Let go of your thoughts... good. Now I'm going to count down again, each number that goes by I want you to feel yourself falling deeper and deeper. If you feel a sleepiness becoming you, embrace it. That is relaxation, and it will help you. On that border of consciousness lay the answers." Joxer nodded fractionally. "Tense your toes, and relax.... now all the muscles in your feet... relax... Your calf muscles...relax... feet that relaxation Joxer... now all the muscles in your legs - slowly not too fast... relax.... All the muscles in your pelvis..." "What's my pelvis?" "Your-" Gabrielle blushed, "Hips, Joxer, your hips and lower stomach." He gulped, "Oh okay." "You chest, Joxer, tensen all the muscles in your chest now, and relax. Now, your fingers... relax... Your lower arms... relax... your upper arms-" Gabrielle noticed how sculptural, like the marble kouros figures in the temples, Joxer's arms looked as they were tensed. She smiled softly, thinking it was her state of mind, when in a meditative stance everything was beautiful. "Now your neck... relax.... your jaw.... relax.... all your face - scrunch it up, feel all that frustration when you scrunch it up..." Joxer's face twisted like that of an angry child, and she smiled. "Very good. Now - let it all go - relax... Now - tensen every single muscle you can.... even your face... and when you relax, feel that relaxation. Every single muscle as it relaxes, feel your emotions calm as you do it. Can you feel it Joxer?" He nodded so fractionally he barely moved. "Okay I'm going to count down now. Feel the last of your tensions leave you when you hear the numbers go by. 5....." She saw Joxer's eyes move under the lids... "4...." His face tensed... "3...." His hands fisted a moment... "2...." She noticed his jaw clench... "1." Nothingness. Sweet, eternal, nothingness. It was all Joxer felt. He heard Gabrielle's voice - it was his command, his guide, he followed her as she spoke to him. "What do you feel, Joxer?" she said. "Peace," he said, "But - it's hard to think of nothing all the time..." "Then concentrate on that peace and feeling of total relaxation." Peace, he found it - it was so hard. It was there for the taking. He was floating, being... it wasn't good, it wasn't bad. It just was. His brain boiled with nothing, it furiously fed over nothing. He tried to find some meaning but it wasn't there. When was Gabrielle going to say something? He needed direction... he'd never done this... "Now, you are going to think about something nice Joxer, something good from your childhood..." A feeling of sadness became him - there was nothing good! Except... The vision of a room, cosy and plush with fineries enveloped his mind... in his hands was the smooth contours of a lute... He could smell the old wood, with the smooth covering of campha oil and shelack protecting the soft wood. The music that came from it was timid, but sweet. In the middle of the room stood the figure of a boy, his hair identicly black as his own, his face exactly the same. But his counterpart wore a long dress, and his hair, though short, was parted in odd ponytails. The child smiled, jumping up and down... 'Play Joxer! Play for me!' The child sprang, tiptoeing, running around the room, lacking all grace but breezing with enthuseasm. As a child he saw no wrong with the child's dancing - he skipped and ran and spun.... Joxer felt his fingers move furiously to the beat in his heart, in his brother's heart. They both celebrated it... for a breif moment they were in tandem. He smiled... he'd almost forgot... he forgot ever feeling like that. "Joxer, feel that goodness, and help it make you stronger. Now, I want you to think about growing up..." "No," he shook his head, feeling his soul twinge, "It hurts..." "I know," he heard her say, "Let it hurt, and then let it go." "But it makes me who I am..." "It stops you from acheiving your full potential. You can understand your pain, and that understanding can make you more. Now Joxer, you have to go back there now...." A hand, burly and unforgiving, thundered down with an angry voice and impacted with his body like a ramming rod. His body screamed out at the shock, he did everything he could not to curl up - he let his soul hide but the commanding voice of Gabrielle pulled him about, standing him up straight in the face of his father. "Face it Joxer - live it..." His eyes squinted, tears welling in his eyes... the words of his father pummelled him... 'Useless no good little worm! If I had my way I'd tie rocks to your feet and throw you into the nearest well!!' A girl, face like porcelain, eyes large as an owls, blue as the sea... 'What? You want to go to the Festival with me? But you're so ugly...' His father ripped through the heartbreak... 'Get out Joxer! Run! Run while ya can cause if you come back here I'll beat you into the ground!' "No," he whispered, feeling the warmth spill down his face, "Please no...." "Joxer - face it..." "I can't..." "Face it, Joxer!" "No! It's too much I want to hide it..." "FACE IT!" Her voice dug into him, his breath was somehow still calm... how - he should have been angry, he should have been pounding the muddy earth beneath him but the peace and the calm stilled him somehow. "It hurts, Gabrielle..." "I know," came her voice like a hug, "You're allowed to hurt... feel that hurt now..." He let the tears fall freely, a running course of tears lining his face. "How has it helped you?" "What?" "How has it helped you?" "It hasn't helped he it's hurt me!" "It's helped you, Joxer... How has it made you stronger?" "I - " he gulped, "It doesn't bother me when people yell at me... I'm used to it - I know it's not me now that it's them... that's why I don't get angry when you pinch me or yell at me..." Gabrielle's silence followed - the warm red of his closed eyes swam before him, and he let his conscious mind titter at the edge of it's awake state. "The thing is Joxer - you're still alive. You're still here, you're still alive, and you have friends that love you. All those things people have done to you - it means nothing. They're the past, they're gone..." A feeling rushed through him... was she right? Could he be stronger? "Now, go back to that good thought, and from there, think forward in time, think of all the good things that happened to you one by one since then... till now." Playing with Jace... Learning the lute... recieving the special scabbard from his father... leaving home to travel... meeting Xena and Gabrielle... finding a new home. "How do you feel Joxer?" He smiled, "Relieved. I never thought I could feel like this... I thought the pain would hurt for the rest of my life..." "It will," said Gabrielle softly, "It just doesn't have any control over you any more." He nodded. "What do you really want Joxer?" The question shocked him somehow... what did he really want? He opened his mouth but a finger shut it. "No - don't tell me - empty your mind, and let the first image you see fill it..." Searching through the darkness, waiting for that something, and image seized him. That lute - it was in his arms again. But Jace was not there - Gabrielle was. And Xena. And strangers... so many strangers. Xena smiled, she clapped - Gabrielle hopped on her tippy toes to the tune... Everyone was dancing and clapping in a cramped inn... He was confused - what was this? He couldn't be a minstrel it was for 'Cowards and women!' cried the voice of his father... "NO!" he felt himself cry, "I can be that... I can be what I want!" His eyes shot open, his breathing now frantic. He felt himself shaking all over, and then the soft hands of Gabrielle taking his. Her smile was proud, her eyes glowing. Gabrielle gazed at him as he calmed himself down, and stroking his hand she tilted her hand and looked to him. "What do you want to be Joxer?" He looked to her, "I," he licked his lip nervously, incredulity becoming him, "I want to be - I want to play the lute!" She smiled brightly, not expecting the answer, "A minstrel?" He nodded, "Yeah... I just - I just forgot how fun it was!" She nodded, "I haven't heard you play," she said, "I would like to." Joxer had uncertainty in his eyes, and he let his hands twiddle together, "You would?" "I like music," she said, "I'm just not very good at doing it." Joxer pouted in a smile, "Do you like dancing?" She blinked, double glancing, "Yeah - what-" "I saw you," he said, "Dancing - everyone was dancing. I was playing - but I don't think people would-" "Why not?" she said, "Why wouldn't they like your playing?" "I'm just some guy..." "No," Gabrielle said, "You're Joxer the Mighty... lutist and singer!" He blushed, and sighed happily. "I - I feel so at peace... I've never felt like this before..." "It's nice isn't it?" asked Gabrielle, gazing out at the water, the light dancing over it in the rhythm of the wind, the calling of the crickets and the sweet beating of wings of a distant water bird. "Thank you," he said, taking Gabrielle's hand, "I don't know what else to say or do..." "Then don't say anything," she said with a smile, and with Joxer's expression of ease she knew he understood that she meant it in a friendly manner, "Just watch - watch everything..." "Gabrielle," came his voice again, "When Lila told you she was getting married - I saw your eyes grow sad." She glanced to him, green eyes flashing, "How did you know?" He blushed a little, shrugging his bare arms, "I notice a lot of things about you." She looked down into her lap, feeling her cheeks blush. "Well?" "Why were you sad?" The bard sighed, leaning back on propped arms, the breeze running over her, "I guess I - " She paused - she couldn't say, not to Joxer - but looking to him his eyes were expecting, but not with that blind innocence. Just questioning, "It reminded me of when I got married to Perdicas. I miss that time... it was beautiful." Joxer nodded, "I've never had a time like that. I've never been in love..." She glanced to him. "I mean-," he sighed with a little frustration at his lack of articulation, "I've never been loved back. You should be happy at it, instead of being sad about it all the time that you lost it. I didn't know Perdicas well, but from what I gathered, he loved life, and he loved the good things. I don't think he'd want you sad because of him." When he turned and looked to Gabrielle, her face was wet with tears. "I thought," she gulped, "I thought I wasn't sad over him anymore but," She laughed through the smile, "I guess I am... Or - maybe I just miss having the company of a man..." Joxer blinked. "Oh!" she laughed, wrapping an arm around Joxer and snuggling into the nape of his neck a moment, "I'm sorry I didn't mean...." "It's okay," he smiled shortly. "No - I love your company really!" He felt a tenseness inside, and gazing at her he nodded softly. "I - love -," He swallowed, "I love your company too." She nodded. "I know." "You know, when I left home, I felt kinda lost... like I had no one. I thought I'd never feel like I belonged anywhere again." Gabrielle smiled, her arm still around Joxer. "When I found you and Xena - I couldn't believe you guys didn't tell me where to go..." "We wanted to," joked Gabrielle, and Joxer nodded knowingly. "Why didn't ya?" he asked after a moment. "We liked you..." she said, "You were funny. We just - needed someone like you." A warmth grew inside of him and he smiled. "I needed you and Xena too." "Gabrielle," he said suddenly, "Don't feel bad you're alone... I mean - you know. Cause you're so - uh - so - Xena and I love you so much..." Gabrielle lifted her head from Joxer's shoulder, eyes soft. "That's - thank you Joxer," she smiled, "I guess I needed to hear that." Joxer nodded, "Yeah." She gazed out at the water again. The warmth of Joxer's support next to her took the edge off the ache she'd felt. She knew, somehow, Joxer would help her heal that. "Joxer?" "Hmmm?" "I love you too." His heart raced in his chest, and squeezing his eyes shut, he licked his lips. "Yeah?" The bard nodded, "Yeah... I'd be more lonely without you." "Y-You would?" he said, heart still fluttering. She smiled, "Yeah, I think I need a man around to remind me of my womanhood." Joxer cracked a lopsided grin, "I do that?" "Sure you do," she said, "The way you look at me all the time..." The smile disappeared, and he met her gaze, her own eyes shocked at the stumble of her words... "I mean..." "You think I..." Gabrielle gulped, "I - I guess...I meant..." "I love you," he felt himself whisper. With a soft smile, Gabrielle nodded. "I know." Joxer gulped, red blazing in her cheeks, "I'm sorry..." Gabrielle cocked her head a little, "I'm not..." "You're - " his breath became harsh, "You're not?" She shook her head. "Why..." "I ... I think I..." She pulled him forward, her lips closing over his in silken caress. Disbelief rocked her, as well as the rush of attraction... but this was Joxer... but - he was somehow special, different... she sighed, smiling in the kiss. She leant back, her fingertips running through the hair at the back of his head. Joxer gulped. "Where did that come from?" he asked her. "I don't know, " Gabrielle smiled, "Must have found it while meditating..." "It's not some sort of meditative lust thing?" Gabrielle stopped herself from giggling, shaking her head, "Joxer, meditation brings you clarification, not confusion..." "So you really..." She nodded, "Yes I really do." "Do you wanna go back home?" he asked nervously. Gabrielle leant back, propped on her arms, but head still leant on his arm tenderly. "No, not yet," she said, "I want to sit here for a while more. Just - watching everything." Joxer nodded with a smile, "Yeah, that would be nice." "Besides," she said, clutching his arm a moment, green eyes glowing, "I am home." Stroking her cheek breifly, Joxer smiled, "I'm home too."
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