Here jokes that are somewhat rude but of course funny. Materials written aren't made to offend anybody. It's just for pure fun and laughs, nothing bad attached to it. Please read on and enjoy! I will advice you to check out the main page The Gracer Page (Main) because *ALL* the sections/ categories of the entire site is listed there. You would also find the list of updated/new pages.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do ' is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called 'Poles,' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
Is statutory rape a crime committed when someone rapes a statue?
Why is there no egg in an eggplant and no ice in an icecream?
One Liners
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman:"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman:"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman:"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman:"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under the rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman:"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman:"That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman:"I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman:"No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman:"Do Not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman:"Unfertilized!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman:"Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman:"You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman:"Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman:"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman:"Ohhhh, you're so right. I want you... to leave."
Man: "If I could just see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman:"Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
Man: "Hey, cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman:"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman:"Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
Woman:"Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."
Man: "You look like a dream."
Woman:"Go back to sleep."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?"
Woman:"What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?"
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman:"Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman:"Yes, but would you stay there?"
Why Men Can't Win
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
> If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you,she's liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.
If you like a woman to keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
Of Computers & Compilers
TOP 10 reasons computers are male:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on the but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
TOP 10 reasons compilers are female:
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Small talk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild.
Letters To The Landlord
1. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from>the man next door.
2. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
3. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
4.
5. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
6. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? >Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
7. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
8. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
9. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
10. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
Male Bashing #1
In the hospital, The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news." he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used."
Software Problems
I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and having some problems.
I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it.
I hear the DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run Girlfriend in background mode with the sound switched off.
But I'm embarrassed to say that I can't find the switch to turn it off. I just run
them separately, and it works OK.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0 He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and that eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.
He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta.
All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it it gave me a virus.
I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0.
This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed virus protection.
It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system!
I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions!
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.
Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less re-program.
Frankly, I think that there is too much attention paid to the look and feel and not enough to the desired functionality.
Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts.
And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally object-oriented'.
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which
is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of Girlfriend.
He discovered that GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to
Fiancee 1.0. So he did.
But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a 'huge resource hog'.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.
