Your Fav Jokes

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=195 BGCOLOR="#660000" TEXT="#F7F7FF" bgproperties="fixed" background="042c61c2dvldxa.gif"> <div> <B><IMG SRC="31960680.gif" border=0 width="96" height="104" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#CC6600" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#00CCFF" FACE="Arial" ><B> <IMG SRC="238c8240.gif" border=0 width="200" height="36" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></FONT><B>|     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="_"><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id67.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Merry Christmas"><U><B>Merry Christmas</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id17.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE=" All About..."><U><B> All About...</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><B>Your Fav Jokes</B><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id66.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Your Fav Jokes 2"><U><B>Your Fav Jokes 2</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id23.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Your Fav Pics"><U><B>Your Fav Pics</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id36.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Your Fav Pics 2"><U><B>Your Fav Pics 2</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id37.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="What We Really Look Like"><U><B>What We Really Look Like</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id55.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="TriviaHotStuff Scores"><U><B>TriviaHotStuff Scores</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id35.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Trivia Championship Game"><U><B>Trivia Championship Game</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id63.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="TriviaHotStuff Room Survey"><U><B>TriviaHotStuff Room Survey</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id28.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Net Gossip"><U><B>Net Gossip</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id20.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Net Personality Of The Month"><U><B>Net Personality Of The Month</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id26.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="On The Net"><U><B>On The Net</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id64.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="In Loving Memory"><U><B>In Loving Memory</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id21.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Cool Sites And Things"><U><B>Cool Sites And Things</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id34.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Something Special"><U><B>Something Special</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Us"><U><B>Contact Us</B></U></A></div> <div> <B>Your Fav Jokes</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="2e5c8960.jpg" border=0 width="200" height="150" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B>A scantily dressed girl goes to confession, </B></div> <div> <B>and tells the Priest </B></div> <div> <B>"Father,I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday." </B></div> <div> <B>"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" </B></div> <div> <B>the priest asked. </B></div> <div> <B>"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without " </B></div> <div> <B>"Do you mean like this?" He touches her arm. </B></div> <div> <B>"Yes, father." </B></div> <div> <B>"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch." </B></div> <div> <B>"But father he also touched my breasts. </B></div> <div> <B>"You mean like this?" He touches her breasts. </B></div> <div> <B>"Yes, father." </B></div> <div> <B>"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." </B></div> <div> <B>"But father, he took off my clothes." </B></div> <div> <B>"Like this?" He takes off her clothes. </B></div> <div> <B>"Yes, father." </B></div> <div> <B>"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." </B></div> <div> <B>"But father he then puts his you-know-what in my you-know-where." </B></div> <div> <B>"Like this?" </B></div> <div> <B>He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where. </B></div> <div> <B>"Y-Y-Yes father," she says sometime later. </B></div> <div> <B>"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." </B></div> <div> <B>"But father, he has Herpes." </B></div> <div> <B>"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!! </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Husband: "Shall we try a different position tonight?"</B></div> <div> <B>Wife: "That's a good idea. Why don't YOU stand at the sink and do the dishes and I'LL sit on the sofa and fart". </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are </B></div> <div> <B>spending </B></div> <div> <B>the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost see </B></div> <div> <B>through, </B></div> <div> <B>pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape </B></div> <div> <B>exhibit, </B></div> <div> <B>they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the </B></div> <div> <B>gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand </B></div> <div> <B>(and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests </B></div> <div> <B>that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she </B></div> <div> <B>pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a </B></div> <div> <B>little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver." he says. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her </B></div> <div> <B>in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you've got a fucking headache." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="30ec8ce0.jpg" border=0 width="200" height="206" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you bastards who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She then hears the boy continue, "For those o f you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." Just as the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>" </B><B>Tw</B><B>o</B><B> snakes side by side, one turns to the other and asks: "Are we poisonous?" "Yes I think so," says the other "Oh bugger, I've just bitten my tongue" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Two little kids are in hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.</B></div> <div> <B>The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"  The second kid says "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."</B></div> <div> <B>The first kid says you've got nothing to worry about.  I had that done when I was four.  They put you  to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and icecream. Its a breeze. "</B></div> <div> <B>The second kid then asks "What are you here for?"   The first kid says </B></div> <div> <B>"A circumcision."  And the second kid says "Whoa I had that done when I was born.  Couldnt walk for a year!"</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>MALE REMOTE CONTROL</B></div> <div> <IMG SRC="2de62820.jpg" border=0 width="354" height="386" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="2e7c8f90.jpg" border=0 width="200" height="249" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> eeeeeeek!!!!!!!!</div> <bR> <div>   </div> <div>                                <IMG SRC="2e0c8df0.jpg" border=0 width="200" height="223" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>HOW TO WASH THE CAT 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have Both lids up. 3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom. 4. In one smooth, movement put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. - The cat will self agitate to make ample suds. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) - Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. - CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "Power Wash" and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, THE DOG </B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="31020d80.jpg" border=0 width="288" height="216" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="314f6570.jpg" border=0 width="246" height="599" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Phone answering machine message </B></div> <div> <B>"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."  </B></div> <bR> <div> A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."  </div> <bR> <div> <B>I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.</B></div> <bR> <div> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. </div> <bR> <div> <B> I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.</B></div> <bR> <div> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.</div> <bR> <div>  <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FFCCB2" FACE="Arial" ><B>Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered  with  hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.</B></FONT></div> <bR> <div> Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream.</div> <bR> <div> "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.  "Is it common? "It's not unusual."</div> <bR> <div>  What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.</div> <bR> <div> Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's could be my mum or my dad. It could be my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Chi-Chung. I'm not sure, but I think it might be Deane.</div> <bR> <div> Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "You're round."The other one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!" </div> <bR> <div> <B>Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="626" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 579 ><NOBR><div> <B>3 wishes! </B></div> <div> <B>A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the </B></div> <div> <B>woods. </B></div> <div> <B>She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.</B></div> <div> <B>The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will </B></div> <div> <B>grant you 3 wishes."So she freed the frog! The frog said, "Thank </B></div> <div> <B>you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your </B></div> <div> <B>wishes, whatever you wish for, </B></div> <div> <B>your husband will get 10 times more or better!" (typical). </B></div> <div> <B>The woman said, "That would be okay." </B></div> <div> <B>For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in </B></div> <div> <B>the world. </B></div> <div> <B>The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make </B></div> <div> <B>your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, </B></div> <div> <B>that women will flock to." </B></div> <div> <B>The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most </B></div> <div> <B>beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, "KAZAM" - </B></div> <div> <B>she's the most beautiful woman in the world! </B></div> <div> <B>For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world</B></div> <div> <B>The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the </B></div> <div> <B>world and he will be ten times richer than you." </B></div> <div> <B>The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and </B></div> <div> <B>what's his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world. </B></div> <div> <B>The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, </B></div> <div> <B>"I'd like a mild heart attack." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them. </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? </div> <div> She said . . . I would but you're never there. </div> <bR> <div> <B>On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere" </B></div> <div> <B>Written just below it . . . " I do not" </B></div> <bR> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <div> Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take </div> <div> to do the dishes? </div> <div> A. Both of them. </div> <bR> <div> <B>Q. What do men and sperm have in common? </B></div> <div> <B>A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. </B></div> <bR> <div> Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? </div> <div> A. We don't know; it has never happened. </div> <bR> <div> Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? </div> <div> A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. </div> <div> Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. </div> <bR> <div> Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? </div> <div> A. They're married. </div> <bR> <div> Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" </div> <div> God says: "So you would love her." </div> <div> But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" </div> <div> God says: "So she would love you." </div> <bR> <div> NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?</div> <div> SPOUSE : Sure, what are my choices?</div> <div> NEWLYWED: Yes and no.</div> <bR> <div> This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy</div> <div> say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey,</div> <div> Sugar."</div> <div> He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning</div> <div> when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife,</div> <div> "Pass the bacon, Pig."</div> <bR> <div> First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"</div> <div> Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."</div> <bR> <div> A bum asks a man for $2.</div> <div> The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"</div> <div> The bum said, "No."</div> <div> The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"</div> <div> The bum said, "No."</div> <div> Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see</div> <div> what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"</div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="2d4a7e60.gif" border=0 width="167" height="230" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>it</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>started to rain.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Lady 1: What's that?</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Lady 1: Where did you get it?</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>announces</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. She</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>is,</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>what brand she prefers.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#444444" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel!!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="2a37c190.jpg" border=0 width="380" height="537" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> B - Babe </div> <div> I - In </div> <div> T - Total </div> <div> C - Control of </div> <div> H - Herself </div> <bR> <div> B = Beautiful </div> <div> I = Intelligent </div> <div> T = Talented </div> <div> C = Charming </div> <div> H = Hell of a Woman </div> <bR> <div> B = Beautiful </div> <div> I = Individual </div> <div> T = That </div> <div> C = Can </div> <div> H = Handle anything </div> <bR> <div> <B>Useless Facts</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps </B></div> <div> <B>out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. </B></div> <div> <B>(O.M.G.!) </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. </B></div> <div> <B>In my next life, I want to be a pig.) </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A cockroach will live nine days without its head </B></div> <div> <B>before it starves to death. </B></div> <div> <B>(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. </B></div> <div> <B>(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.) </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached </B></div> <div> <B>to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. </B></div> <div> <B>("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like </B></div> <div> <B>a human jumping the length of a football field. </B></div> <div> <B>(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??) </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Some lions mate over 50 times a day. </B></div> <div> <B>>(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality </B></div> <div> <B>over quantity) </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Butterflies taste with their feet. </B></div> <div> <B>(Something I always wanted to know.) </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm........) </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Right-handed people live, on average, nine years </B></div> <div> <B>longer than left-handed people. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. </B></div> <div> <B>(I know some people like that.) </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Starfish have no brains. </B></div> <div> <B>(I know some people like that too.) </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Polar bears are left-handed. </B></div> <div> <B>(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex </B></div> <div> <B>for pleasure. </B></div> <div> <B>(What about that pig??) </B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> QUICKIES</div> <div> Q. What's the height of conceit?</div> <div> A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.</div> <bR> <div> Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?</div> <div> A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.</div> <bR> <div> Q. How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?</div> <div> A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the gas all over the car.</div> <bR> <div> Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?</div> <div> A. Well-hung.</div> <bR> <div> Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?</div> <div> A. It's not hard.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?</div> <div> A: 45 minutes</div> <bR> <div> Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?</div> <div> A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.</div> <bR> <div> Q. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?</div> <div> None, let the bitch cook in the dark.</div> <bR> <div> Q. What are the three fastest means of communication?</div> <div> 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman</div> <bR> <div> Q. Why do hunters make the best lovers?</div> <div> Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.</div> <bR> <div> Q. What should you give a woman who has everything?</div> <div> A man to show her how to work it.</div> <bR> <div> Q. How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?</div> <div> They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.</div> <bR> <div> Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?</div> <div> A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.</div> <bR> <div> Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?</div> <div> Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.</div> <bR> <div> Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?</div> <div> When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.</div> <bR> <div> Q. Why did the woman cross the road?</div> <div> What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?</div> <bR> <div> Q. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?</div> <div> Cos it doesn't need cleaning yet.</div> <bR> <div> Q. What's a mixed feeling?</div> <div> A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.</div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="2d61b620.jpg" border=0 width="283" height="354" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> A man was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had </div> <div> a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy </div> <div> an unusual pet. </div> <div> After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a </div> <div> little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, </div> <div> found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking </div> <div> his new pet to the bar to have a drink. </div> <bR> <div> So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. </div> <div> This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, </div> <div> "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" </div> <div> But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a </div> <div> few minutes more, thinking about the situation. </div> <div> He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up </div> <div> against the centipede's house and shouting, ''Hey, in there! Would you like to </div> <div> go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" </div> <div> A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! </div> <div>  I'm putting on my f*cking shoes." </div> <bR> <div> <B>A builder was going through a house he had just built with the</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990033" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>woman who owned it.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990033" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>She was telling him what color to paint each room.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990033" FACE="Arial" ><B>  </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990033" FACE="Arial" ><B>  </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>be painted a light blue."</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990033" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#990033" FACE="Arial" ><B>The builder went to the front door and yelled</B></FONT><B> </B><B>"GREEN SIDE UP!"</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#66FF33" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>was to be bright red.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>The builder went to the front door and yelled</B><B> </B><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#66FF00" FACE="Arial" ><B>"GREEN SIDE UP!"</B></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#66FF00" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B> </B><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Arial" ><B>was to be brown.</B></FONT><B> </B></div> <div> <B>The builder went to the front door and yelled</B><B> </B><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#66FF33" FACE="Arial" ><B>"GREEN SIDE UP!"</B></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#66FF33" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>"I keep telling you colors, but you go out the front and yell</B><B> </B><B>green</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>side</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>up</B><B>;</B></div> <div> <B> whats that for?</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I got a couple of</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>blondes laying the turf out front."</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#990000" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="2d8c81b0.gif" border=0 width="200" height="283" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B>THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: </B></div> <div> <B>1) You believe in Santa Claus. </B></div> <div> <B>2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. </B></div> <div> <B>3) You are Santa Claus. </B></div> <div> <B>4) You look like Santa Claus. </B></div> <bR> <div> Ammar has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel </div> <div> dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has </div> <div> breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the </div> <div> sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the</div> <div> sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. </div> <div> He opens it and out pops a genie....</div> <div> But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge </div> <div> and a dull grey suit.</div> <div> "Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." </div> <div> "I'm not falling for this." says Ammar. "I'm not going to trust a Senior</div> <div> Manager."</div> <div> "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks </div> <div> like you're a goner anyway!"</div> <div> Ammar thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.</div> <div> "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."</div> <div> ***POOF***</div> <div> Ammar finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is</div> <div> surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.</div> <div> "OK, what's your second wish."</div> <div> "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."</div> <div> ***POOF***</div> <div> Ammar finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins</div> <div> and precious gems.</div> <div> "OK, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"</div> <div> After thinking for a few minutes, Ammar says...</div> <div> "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."</div> <div> ***POOF***</div> <div> He is turned into a tampon.</div> <bR> <div> The moral of the story?</div> <div> If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached</div> <bR> <div> <B>WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?</B></div> <div> <B>A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.</B></div> <div> <B>After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.</B></div> <div> <B>He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined</B></div> <div> <B>with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will</B></div> <div> <B>surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant,</B></div> <div> <B>and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious</B></div> <div> <B>meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden</B></div> <div> <B>him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your</B></div> <div> <B>problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most</B></div> <div> <B>importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and</B></div> <div> <B>satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a</B></div> <div> <B>year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."</B></div> <div> <B>On the way home, the husband asked his wife.</B></div> <div> <B>"What did the doctor say?"</B></div> <div> <B>"You're going to die," she replied.</B></div> <bR> <div> The Benefits of Being Female:</div> <bR> <div> We got off the Titanic first.</div> <div> We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorders and excuses.</div> <div> Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.</div> <div> We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.</div> <div> We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.</div> <div> Taxis stop for us.</div> <div> Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.</div> <div> We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.</div> <div> We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.</div> <div> We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.</div> <div> We know The Truth about whether size matters.</div> <div> New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.</div> <div> It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.</div> <div> We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.</div> <div> If we forget to shave, no one has to know.</div> <div> We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.</div> <div> We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.</div> <div> If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.</div> <div> We have the ability to dress ourselves.</div> <div> We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture  them naked.</div> <div> If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.</div> <div> Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.</div> <div> There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.</div> <div> Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.</div> <div> We'll never regret piercing our ears.</div> <div> We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.</div> <div> We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.</div> <bR> <div> <B>A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: </B></div> <div> <B> | Cheese Sandwich: = $1.50 |</B></div> <div> <B> | Chicken Sandwich: = $2.50 | </B></div> <div> <B> | Hand Job: = $10.00 | </B></div> <div> <B> Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to </B></div> <div> <B>an eager-looking group of men.</B></div> <div> <B> "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" </B></div> <div> <B> "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the </B></div> <div> <B> hand-jobs?" </B></div> <div> <B> "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" </B></div> <div> <B> The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>NOTHING AGAINST MEN</B></div> <div> Q--How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?</div> <div> A- One--he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. </div> <bR> <div> Q-What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and</div> <div> calling your name? </div> <div> A-You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. </div> <bR> <div> Q- How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? </div> <div> A- Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals." </div> <bR> <bR> <div> DISCLAIMER</div> <div> "The information in these e-mails and any attachment(s) is usually </div> <div> funny and may be illegal. These e-mails are intended solely for the </div> <div> addressee and the 100 or so others in the CC field. If you are not</div> <div> the addressee, dissemination, copying or other use of these e-mails </div> <div> or any of their content is strictly prohibited unless of course you </div> <div> find it amusing and then may forward it to everyone in your address</div> <div> book. If you are not the intended recipient please read it anyway </div> <div> and have a good laugh for a change. All liability for viruses is </div> <div> excluded to the fullest extent permitted by law so make sure you </div> <div> have a condom on your mouse. Any views expressed in this message</div> <div> are not necessary those of the individual sender. Have a Fun Day".</div> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="626" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 3424 WIDTH="622"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="3424" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="622" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>