Your Fav Jokes 2

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=195 BGCOLOR="#660000" TEXT="#F7F7FF" bgproperties="fixed" background="042c61c2dvldxa.gif"> <div> <B><IMG SRC="334807f0.gif" border=0 width="128" height="127" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#FFCC00" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#663399" FACE="Arial" >  <IMG SRC="332c8240.gif" border=0 width="200" height="36" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></FONT> <B> |     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="_"><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id67.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Merry Christmas"><U><B>Merry Christmas</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id17.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE=" All About..."><U><B> All About...</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id22.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Your Fav Jokes"><U><B>Your Fav Jokes</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><B>Your Fav Jokes 2</B><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id23.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Your Fav Pics"><U><B>Your Fav Pics</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id36.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Your Fav Pics 2"><U><B>Your Fav Pics 2</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id37.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="What We Really Look Like"><U><B>What We Really Look Like</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id55.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="TriviaHotStuff Scores"><U><B>TriviaHotStuff Scores</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id35.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Trivia Championship Game"><U><B>Trivia Championship Game</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id63.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="TriviaHotStuff Room Survey"><U><B>TriviaHotStuff Room Survey</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id28.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Net Gossip"><U><B>Net Gossip</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id20.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Net Personality Of The Month"><U><B>Net Personality Of The Month</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id26.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="On The Net"><U><B>On The Net</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id64.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="In Loving Memory"><U><B>In Loving Memory</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id21.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Cool Sites And Things"><U><B>Cool Sites And Things</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id34.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Something Special"><U><B>Something Special</B></U></A><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Us"><U><B>Contact Us</B></U></A></div> <div> <B>Your Fav Jokes 2</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Right now, as you read this, </B></div> <div> <B>427 Million people are having SEX! </B></div> <div> <B>And you're on the computer!</B></div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="33bc8860.jpg" border=0 width="200" height="134" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> One day, in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. </div> <div> "Lord, I have a problem." </div> <div> "What's the problem, Eve?" </div> <div> "I know you created me, and provided this beautiful garden and all </div> <div> of these wonderful animals-as well as that hilarious comedic snake, </div> <div> but I'm just not happy." </div> <div> "And why is that Eve?" </div> <div> "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." </div> <div> "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for </div> <div> you." </div> <div> "Man? What is that Lord?" </div> <div> A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; </div> <div> all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger and faster, </div> <div> and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is </div> <div> aroused but since you are complaining, I'll create him in such a way </div> <div> he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless, and will revel </div> <div> in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be </div> <div> too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly." </div> <div> "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but </div> <div> what's the catch Lord?" </div> <div> "Well, you can have him on one condition." </div> <div> "And what's that Lord?" </div> <div> "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. .. . so you'll </div> <div> have to let him believe I made him first. And it will have to be our </div> <div> little secret...You know, woman to woman." </div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="33d54a50.jpg" border=0 width="340" height="165" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B>T</B><B>wo deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find </B></div> <div> <B>that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the </B></div> <div> <B>lights because they can't see each other using sign language. </B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife </B></div> <div> <B>decides to find a solution. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>'Honey,' she signs, 'Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For </B></div> <div> <B>instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze </B></div> <div> <B>my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and </B></div> <div> <B>squeeze my right breast one time.' </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, 'Great </B></div> <div> <B>idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis </B></div> <div> <B>one time.' </B></div> <div> <B>'If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis..........fifty times' </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of </div> <div> the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly </div> <div> toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. </div> <div> As luck would have it, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately </div> <div> clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded </div> <div> to roll around in evident agony. </div> <div> The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 'Please </div> <div> allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your </div> <div> pain if you'd allow.' </div> <div>  'Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he </div> <div> replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping </div> <div> his hands together at his crotch. </div> <div>  But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took </div> <div> his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she </div> <div> put her hands inside. She began to massage his private parts. She then asked </div> <div> him, 'How does that feel?' </div> <div>  'It feels great,' he replied, 'but my thumb still hurts like hell.' </div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="33f90c80.jpg" border=0 width="400" height="200" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> Dear Deidre, </div> <div> I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be </div> <div> married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but </div> <div> really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together </div> <div> and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had</div> <div> grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her</div> <div> place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just </div> <div> under a hundred...then she floored me. </div> <div> She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before</div> <div> that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.</div> <div> Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way </div> <div> said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. </div> <div> I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided </div> <div> that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed </div> <div> straight out the front door... </div> <div> There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. </div> <div> He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a </div> <div> good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and </div> <div> he congratulated me on passing their little test.</div> <div> Deidre, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, </div> <div> and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting </div> <div> to my character? </div> <div> Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including </div> <div> the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a </div> <div> condom? </div> <div> <IMG SRC="34119710.jpg" border=0 width="281" height="369" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B>An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.</B></div> <div> <B>He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything</B></div> <div> <B>different, Helen?" Helen looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"</B></div> <div> <B>Helen looks again, "Nope."</B></div> <div> <B>Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" </B></div> <div> <B>Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."</B></div> <div> <B>Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" </B></div> <div> <B>To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat." </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="3436b6b0.jpg" border=0 width="363" height="363" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!" </div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="345c80d0.jpg" border=0 width="200" height="269" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> A lady golfer who visits a driving range to tune up before a game, is about to tee off, when she notices the man next to her. </div> <div> "Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction --- back towards the golf shop." </div> <div> "Oi! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blindt." He then turns around and starts hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asks the lady how he is doing. </div> <div> "Not bad." she answers. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing." </div> <div> "Tanks, again, Missus," he replies. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings." </div> <div> A few shots later, he enquires again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?" </div> <div> "Not at all," she replies. </div> <div> "I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fat?" </div> <div> "You're quite presentable," she replies "I don't think that should be a problem." </div> <div> Smiling now, he exults "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you." </div> <div> He was about to hit another ball when the lady interrupts him. </div> <div> "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks </div> <div> "Soitenly! Listen, I'll take all de help what youv'e got I vill take ." he answers. </div> <div> "Lose the Jewish accent." she replies. "You're Chinese." </div> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="34709b00.jpg" border=0 width="521" height="176" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> Mama, I got married." "Mazel tov," says Mama. "I might as well tell you, Mama, he's not of our Faith." "So he's a goy. But am I prejudiced?" "But, Mama, he's also black." "So he's a schvartzeh. By me, everybody should be tolerant." "Well,frankly, Mama, he's also unemployed." "So, you'll support him. A wife should help her husband." "But, Mama, we have no place to live." "Don't worry, Selma, dear. You'll move in with us." "But Mama, you have only one bedroom." "That's okay. You and your husband can have the bedroom." "Yes, Mama, but where will you and Papa sleep?" "Papa can sleep on the couch in the living room." "Yes, Mama, but where will YOU sleep?" "Selma, dear, about me you don't need to worry. The minute I get off the phone, ... I'm going to drop dead." </div> <bR> <div> A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling to her husband:</div> <div> "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All $10 million of it...Woooohoooo!"</div> <div> "That's great, Darling!", he screams, "Do I pack for the beach or for the ski slopes ?"</div> <div> "Who cares," she replies, "Just piss off!"</div> <bR> <div> A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to gofishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. </div> <div> We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. </div> <div> Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."</div> <div> The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? </div> <div> He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"</div> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="595" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 2695 WIDTH="591"><div> The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box!!</div> <bR> <div> <B>1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences -- </B></div> <div> <B>he thought he was God and I didn't! </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me! </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>6) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>9) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>10) It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>11) The trouble with life is there's no background music. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>12) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>13) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>14) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>15) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>16) To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>17) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted </B></div> <div> <B>to Be When I Grew Up. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>18) My Dog Can Lick Anyone </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>19) Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>20) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Real notes to British milkmen: </B></div> <bR> <div> Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one. </div> <bR> <div> Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk. </div> <bR> <div> Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on </div> <div> the dole. </div> <bR> <div> Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've </div> <div> been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks. </div> <bR> <div> Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, </div> <div> but the other way round. </div> <bR> <div> When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I </div> <div> want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress. </div> <bR> <div> Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation </div> <div> Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea. </div> <bR> <bR> <div> Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it. </div> <bR> <div> From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the </div> <div> days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk. </div> <bR> <div> My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup </div> <div> in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to </div> <div> play bingo tonight. </div> <bR> <div> Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I </div> <div> wrote this note yesterday. </div> <bR> <div> When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out </div> <div> and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk. </div> <bR> <div> Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used </div> <div> to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but </div> <div> couldn't figure out what the letters stood for...it's about time you </div> <div> became informed! </div> <div> >{A} - Almost Boobs </div> <div> >{B} - Barely there </div> <div> >{C} - Can't Complain! </div> <div> >{D} - Damn! </div> <div> >{DD} - Double damn! </div> <div> >{E} - Enormous! </div> <div> >{F} - Fake </div> <bR> <div> Subject: THE TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE </div> <div> 10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he</div> <div>  wouldn't ask for directions. </div> <div> 9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV </div> <div> remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's </div> <div> ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.) </div> <div> 8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment. </div> <div> 7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one</div> <div>  for himself. </div> <div> 6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage. </div> <div> 5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never</div> <div> be able to handle labor pains and childbirth. </div> <div> 4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools. </div> <div> 3. Adam needed someone to blame ! for the Apple Incident, and for anything</div> <div> else that was really his fault. </div> <div> 2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone." </div> <div> And the Number One reason of all {ta da, drum roll, fanfare,etc.} </div> <bR> <div> 1. God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that!"</div> <bR> <div> <B>The Elderly Wedding  </B></div> <div> <B>Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, were all excited about their </B></div> <div> <B>decision to get married. They go for a stroll to </B></div> <div> <B>discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob</B></div> <div> <B> suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter. </B></div> <div> <B>Are you the owner? </B></div> <div> <B>The pharmacist answers "Yes." </B></div> <div> <B>Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" </B></div> <div> <B>Pharmacist: "Of course we do." </B></div> <div> <B>Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" </B></div> <div> <B>Pharmacist: "All kinds." </B></div> <div> <B>Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" </B></div> <div> <B>Pharmacist: "Definitely." </B></div> <div> <B>Jacob: "How about Viagra?" </B></div> <div> <B>Pharmacist: "Of course." </B></div> <div> <B>Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" </B></div> <div> <B>Pharmacist: "Yes a large variety. The works." </B></div> <div> <B>Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and Geritol?" </B></div> <div> <B>Pharmacist: "Absolutely." </B></div> <div> <B>Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" </B></div> <div> <B>Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." </B></div> <div> <B>Jacob says to the Pharmacist; "We'd like to register here for our </B></div> <div> <B> wedding gifts, plea</B>se." </div> <bR> <div> <B>A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in</B></div> <div> <B>an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them</B></div> <div> <B>at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men </B></div> <div> <B>say the following "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, They come together again. </B></div> <div> <B>I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." </B></div> <div> <B>"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. '</B></div> <div> <B>In this............ </B></div> <div> <B>"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a </B></div> <div> <B>justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." </B></div> <div> <B>I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!! </B></div> <bR> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <div> <B>A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.</B></div> <div> <B>To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."</B></div> <div> <B>He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."</B></div> <div> <B>He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."</B></div> <div> <B>At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go </B></div> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>