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1. Q:
What was O.J.'s favorite play in the Bills' playbook?
A: Cut left, then slash right!
2. Q: Why did
O.J. kill Goldman?
A: To prove the Bills could slaughter the
competition and not just choke.
3. Q:
Why did O.J. kill his ex?
A: He wanted to terminate her free agency.
4. O.J. Simpson will go down in history as one of the most versatile players in history... He entered the NFL as a running back... He entered prison as a tight end... and will leave prison as a wide receiver!
5. Q: Did you
hear that the police are now saying that O.J. moved the bodies after the
murders?
A: They are accusing him of 2 carries for
58 yards.
6. Q: What was the last thing Nicole said?
A: "I should have had a V-8."
7. Q: What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in
common?
A: They both have O.J. in a can.
8. Q: Hear about the new Bronco drink?
A: It consists of a couple of jiggers followed
by a bunch of O.J. chasers.
9. Q: What do O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson
have in common?
A: They are both missing a glove.
10. Q: Have you heard about the new children's
game?
A: It's called "Where's O.J.?"
11. Q: What are O.J.'s favorite songs?
'911 It's a Joke'
by Public Enemy
'I Used to Love Her But I Had to Kill Her'
by Guns 'n' Roses.
'The First Cut is the Deepest'
by Rod Stewart
'Cuts Like a Knife'
by Bryan Adams
'Hurts So Good'
by John Cougar Mellencamp
'Cuts Both Ways'
by Gloria Estefan
'Love Kills' by
Vinny Vincent Invasion (sung by Slaughter, how appropriate! :)
12. There once was a sports legend named O.J.,
Whose old lady told him to go away.
He slashed up his wife, With a fifteen-inch
knife,
And then led a parade on the freeway!
13. Q: Why did Ron Goldman dump Nicole Simpson?
A: Because she couldn't swallow.
14. We heard that after watching the Super Bowl, O.J. commented it was the second worst massacre he'd ever seen...
15. Q. How many O.J. jurors does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They voted it was "not dark."
16. O.J. Simpson will go down in history as one of the most versatile players in history... He entered the NFL as a running back... He entered prison as a tight end... and will leave prison as a wide receiver!
17. Jurists said that they were able to rule out that OJ was in any way guilty mostly because they found a Super Bowl ring at the murder scene....
18. Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson
and John Elway?
A: One drives a slow, white Bronco. The other
is a slow, white Bronco.
19. Q: Did you hear about the new Hertz commercial?
A: O.J. is seen running through the airport,
jumping over seats and babies in strollers, to catch his plane for Chicago.
The rental agent is frantically running after him yelling, "Mr. Simpson,
Mr. Simpson, you forgot your bloody glove!"
20.
As of Monday, June 24, 1996 - the 1996 Ford Bronco
has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice for felons everywhere.
The conclusive California road test, seen on national TV, proved without
a doubt that the 1996 Bronco can successfully hold off 18 or more police
cars, 3 helicopters, and the entire population of the United States for
more than 90 minutes. Imagine how well it works when going over 40 miles
an hour! The vehicle works equally well while parked in the driveway of
your residence. If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you
on a brand new 1997 Ford Bronco. Simply go to your local Ford dealer and
ask for the new O.J. Package. Picture yourself leaning comfortably back
in your seat listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and the
purring of police cars. And, if you act now, we will throw in the O.J.
Magical Disappearing Ginsu Knife at no extra charge. Be the first in your
cell block to own the new 1995 Ford O.J. Edition Bronco.
$1500 Down and $259 per month.
Tax and registration extra. Defense attorney not included.
21. Q: Why did O.J. go to Chicago after killing
two people?
A: It was the perfect place for a three-peat!
22. Q: What was the biggest evidence that O.J.
did NOT kill his ex-wife?
A: Any man who can sit beside Howard Cosell
on Monday Night Football without killing him would never kill anyone.
23. Q: Did you hear what the longest drive
was during the U.S. Open?
A: O.J. Simpson - 61 miles.
24. Q: What does BRONCO stand for?
A: Black Repeat Offender Needs Car Operator.
25. Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson
screen saver for Windows 95?
A: When it launches it hangs your system for
a year.
26. Q: Did you here O.J. is merchandizing to
help pay for his defense?
A: There's a problem with the watches, though.
There seems to be an hour missing from 10:00pm to 11:00pm.
27. Q. How was prison like OJ's playing career?
A. In both places he had big guys opening
holes for him.
28. FACT:
The murders occured June 12th 1994.
FACT:
It can also be written as 6/12/1994. Add the individual digits up...
6 + 1
+ 2 + 1 + 9 + 9 + 4
FACT: You get O.J.'s number, 32! Coincidence? I think
not!
29. Q. Microsoft has offered O.J. a position
at the company.
A. They can always use good hackers.
30. O.J. Anagrams (the game of rearranging the letters of a word or phrase)...
"Orenthal Simpson" = "Sportsman in hole", "Morons help saint" (a reference to his legal team?), and "This so non-pale Mr"
"Judge Lance Ito" = "DNA? Let 'Juice' go!"
"The OJ Simpson Trial" = "Jail this moron pest"
31. Q:
Did you hear that O.J. is starting up a limousine service?
A: The motto is, "We'll get you to the airport
with an hour to kill."
32.
ROSA LOPEZ NACHOS...................$3.95
Spicy, with a thick Mexican
accent.
Nachos haven't been this
good since...well, we can't remember!
KATO SALAD..........................$3.95
An empty head of lettuce,
with very little dressing.
RON GOLDMAN WINE....................$3.95
Young vintage, good body.
But you have to bring your own glasses.
PAULA BARBERI COCKTAIL..............$3.95
O.J. with a little honey
on the side. Goes down real easy.
MARCIA CLARK BEER...................$1.95
We thought we had a case,
but now we're not sure.
SIMPSON ALIBI SANDWICH.............$4.25
Full of baloney, and hard
to swallow, but lots of stupid people are buying it!
SOUP DuJURY........................$4.95
Aged for over a year. May
be bitter.
MARK FUHRMAN CHICKEN PLATE.........$5.95
Absolutely no dark meat.
DENNIS FUNG PLATE..................$5.95
Grilled detective, served
open face. May be contaminated.
Sorry, our bakery is TEMPORARILY CLOSED. The lawyers have taken all the dough.
33.
DID
YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?
DID
YOU DO IT ANYTIME?
I
did not do this awful crime.
I
could not, would not, anytime.
DID
YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE?
DID
YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?
I
did not do it with a knife.
I
did not, could not, kill my wife.
I
did not do this awful crime
I
could not, would not, anytime.
DID
YOU LEAVE A POOL OF BLOOD?
DID
YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?
I did
not leave a pool of blood.
I
can not even wear that glove.
I
did not do it with a knife.
I
did not, could not, kill my wife.
I
did not do this awful crime
I
could not, would not, anytime.
Always more
OJ jokes to go around, so keep lookin here...
