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To: All personnel
From: Corporate Headquarters
Subj: New Retirement Plan
As part of our corporate-wide cost reduction efforts, we are going to reduce our number of personnel by means of a new retirement plan. Managers are being mailed a package containing all of the details; the highlights are presented here.
Under the Plan, older employees will go on Early Retirement, thus permitting us to retain the younger people who represent our future.
The program, which will be placed into effect immediately, will phase out all the older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. The program shall be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early)
Employees who are being RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within the company, provided that while they are being RAPEd, they request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the Plan is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who are being RAPEd and SCREWed are eligible for a trial review by higher management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination.)
The provisions of the Plan dictate that employees may be RAPEd once and SCREWed twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.
Employees fulfilling the above requirements of the Plan are entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service). HERPES is considered a bonus plan, since employees who have HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the company.
It is now, and always has been, the policy of the company to assure that employees are well-trained. To accomplish this, a new program called SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) will be put into effect. With this program, we will now be able to give our employees more SHIT than any other company.
If an employee feels that he or she is not getting enough SHIT on the job, or that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your manager.
Our management people are specially trained to see to it that you will get all the SHIT you can stand.
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