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What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease?
You can hide your own Easter eggs.
You are always meeting new people.
You never have to watch reruns on television.
I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money. The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?
Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, don't do that.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?
Doctor: Sell!
Patient: Doctor, what fish did you say I have?
Doctor: Not a fish, stupid, cancer!
Patient: Doctor, I've got five penises.
Doctor: Well, how do your pants fit?
Patient: Like a glove.
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again.
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my
temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!
Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor.
What are the chances?
Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.
Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
Patient: Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Nothing.
Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.
Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent?
Doctor: Yes there is...being young and broke.
Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster
oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?
Doctor: You have far too much free time.
Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it?
Patient (with a grin): Black pepper!
Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! Little Tommy's swallowed the can-opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast's getting cold!
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a
fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!
Congratulations, Mr Brown, you're in great shape for a man of sixty. Pity you're only forty.
Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the
toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out."
Doctor: That's easy. Eat shit.
Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!!
Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
Mavis: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mavis: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Cut your head off.
Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one
of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Tom: What's good for excessive wind, doctor?
Doctor: A kite!
Do you find it difficult passing water, Mr Sozzle?
No, doctor. But I do find it hard to pass a pub!
Bill: My wife beats me, doctor'
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
Bill: Every time we play Scrabble!
Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually.
Liz: But I'm the examiner!
Trish: My tummy is getting awfully big, doctor.
Doctor: You should diet.
Trish: Really? What color?
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
Patient: Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better?
Doctor: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet.
Death: What some patients do, in the end, to humiliate the doctor.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a
cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."
"Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!"
An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through
the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an
income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
What is the proper medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit?
A Hare Cut.
Some doctors say the practice of circumcision is petering out.
How is an undertaker like a bottle of Robitussin?
They both take away the coffin.
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive
lowered."
The doctor, incredulous, says, "What?? You want your sex drive lowered??"
To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!"
What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
I was sorry to hear that a friend of mine dropped out of med school. He really wanted to be a doctor, but just couldn't stand the sight of money.
How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?
Pull down their genes!
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A hematologist pricks your finger.
A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit." That's an MD promise.
A Des Moines, Iowa physician has discovered a sure cure for nervousness in women. He tells them that it's a sign of old age.
Dear doctor,
Both my wife and I are sterile. Is there any possibility that we will pass this on to our
children?
Dear doctor,
My husband and I have two children and would love to have another. But I read that every
third child born is Chinese. Being that we are of Italian descent, do you think we should
take that chance?
What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
A stethoscope.
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