It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. What we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

Dec 22 - Jan 20 - OKRA Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back his life see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

Jan 21 - Feb 19 - CHITLIN Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Feb 20 - Mar 20 - BOLL WEEVIL You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

Mar 21 - Apr 20 - MOON PIE You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Apr 21 - May 21 - POSSUM When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

May 22 - June 21 - CRAWFISH Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

June 22- July 23 - COLLARDS Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

July 24 - Aug 23 - CATFISH Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Aug 24 - Sept 23 - GRITS Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

Sept 24 - Oct 23 - BOILED PEANUTS You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

Oct 24 - Nov 22 - BUTTER BEAN Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Nov 23 - Dec 21 - ARMADILLO You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.

NO PEEKING AHEAD!

Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge. Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really. Now, arrow down (but not too fast, you might miss something).

Think of a number from 1 to 10

Multiply that number by 9

If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together

Now subtract 5

Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c, etc.)

Think of a country that starts with that letter

Remember the last letter in the name of that country

Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter

Are you thinking of Kangaroos in Denmark?

If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. Freaky, huh?

Are You Dirty Minded???

1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?

6). What does a dog do that you can step into?

7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?

8). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

ANSWERS:

1. (talk) 2. (legs) 3. (a twenty dollar bill) 4. (firetruck) 5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt) 6. (pants) 7. (fork) 8. (Almond Joy candy bar) 9. (grit) 10. (last name)

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