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Most of these games require a pack of cards, an IQ no greater than 17, and some equally stupid friends. 
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PRE-EMPTIVE MULTITASKING 

This game will make the cold rainy weekends fly by! Yes, and instant cure for boredom, this one, and challenging to boot! 

 HOW TO PLAY   

•The game can be played with up to 5 players.  •The first person to shout "Pre-emptive Multitasking!" is the dealer.  •The dealer takes a standard pack of 52 cards, and deals 107* to the youngest female present. If there are no females present, then the first male to run outside and kill himself gets the 107 cards.  •Everybody else gets a small slice of salami about 3cm in diameter.  •Everybody eats their salami, and the last person to do so receives the 107 cards.  •The dealer hands out more salami, except to the person with the cards, and the previous step is repeated.  •If the cards are accidentally thrown out the window, the first person to shout "Pre-emptive Multitasking!" is officially declared the Pope, and gets to play charades with the last person to have their birthday on a Wednesday. Everyone else must run outside and kill themselves. 

*If you don't have enough cards, then glasses of water can be used. 

 
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PANTS 

Once you have mastered Pre-emptive Multitasking, then you are ready to play this one. Be warned, this is incredibly difficult! 

 HOW TO PLAY   

•The game can be played with either 523 or 527 players, and requires 45 million packs of cards.  •Everyone holds their breath. The first person to die gets to fix the shower. 


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HAMSTRING INJURIES

This is a great one for the kiddies! But grown-ups can join in too! 

 HOW TO PLAY   

•This game requires 2 packs of cards, with Jokers and those useless cards which have the brand name and rules to bridge on them. (hereafter known as "useless cards".)  •The game can be played with any amount of players.  •The person with the most fingers is the dealer.  •The first person to establish a multi-national banking corporation is the winner. 


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NAUGHTY VICAR

Breaks the ice at parties! 

 HOW TO PLAY   

•This game is best played in a large room with lots of furniture. Half the players stand at one end of the room, half at the other. The game also requires a referee and two pineapples.  •The referee hands the pineapples to a randomly chosen player in each team and the game begins. •Anyone who receives a pineapple must pass it to another member of their team.  •If anyone drops their pineapple, they must yell 'Naughty Vicar!', whereupon everybody must close their eyes and run to the opposite side of the room as quickly as possible.  •If the referee spots anyone who doesn't close their eyes, the referee must lock them in the fridge until the game is over.  •Once everyone has reached the other side of the room, the game starts again.  •Repeat until everyone goes home or is locked in the fridge. 


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CARNIVAL JANINE

This is a great one for boring business luncheons! 

 HOW TO PLAY   

•The game can only be played with 2 players.  •The oldest person is the dealer. The youngest person is known as the Q'Bazr.  •The Q'Bazr says how many cards the dealer is to receive. The dealer gives himself this amount of cards, and gives the Q'Bazr the same amount of cards plus five.  •The Q'Bazr names a limit (between zero and 19,467,288) for both himself and the dealer.  •If the total of a player's cards exceeds their limit (jokers are worth 5 zillion), then they win.  •Repeat until bored. 


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THROWING CDs OUT THE WINDOW

Wowee! 

 HOW TO PLAY   

•Get some CDs and throw them out the window.  •The first person to throw a Rick Astley CD out the window is the winner.  •If no-one owns any Rick Astley CDs, then the person who lives nearest to Salzburg must go out and buy one, then throw it out the window. 


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KILLING MOSQUITOES

This is a rather tasty card game. 

 HOW TO PLAY   

•In this game, Kings, Queens and Jacks are worth 10.  •The first person to lose all their money in paying off gambling debts is the dealer.  •The dealer goes and makes a large black forest cake for the other players.  •The other players eat it. 


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SIMPLE CHESS

Just as much fun, and five thousand times as dangerous! 

 HOW TO PLAY   

•The game is played with 2 players  •The chessboard is set up as per usual  •Both players stand eight feet away from the board, armed with uzis. The first person to knock down their opponent's pieces is the winner. 


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HEADBUTT MISTRESS BEEEEEEE

This one is for people who like to use the telephone! 

 HOW TO PLAY  

•The game can only be played with any number of players.  •The person who can do the most convincing impersonation of George Jetson is the dealer for the first round.  •The dealer goes through the pack of cards, takes the picture cards, jokers, and useless cards and hides them under the sofa.  •The dealer then gives each person 7 cards.  •The players go into separate rooms and throw their cards in the air.  •Reading from the topmost card downwards, the players write down the numbers on the cards. Aces are written as 1, tens are written as 0.  •The players then dial this number.  •If anyone wishes to stop playing at this point, they must shout out the word "Basket" very loudly.  •The first person to contact any Chinese restaurant is dealer for the next round.  •If anyone contacts Mrs Elsie Crudge of 13 The Crescent, Concord, Sydney, then they can stop playing.  •If no-one contacts either a Chinese restaurant or Elsie Crudge, then the round is repeated with the same dealer.  •The last person remaining is awarded a small ping pong ball plus a 6 year sentence in the jail of their choice. 


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HIDE THE CAT

Hours and hours and hours of entertainment! 

 HOW TO PLAY   

•The game be played with any number of players.  •Everyone tries to inflict as much pain as possible on everyone else.  •The first person to make a noise is the dealer.  •The dealer gives seven cards to himself, and three cards to everyone else.  •The person with the most cards is the dealer for the next round.  •The winner is the dealer after ten rounds. 


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MOMMA'S MAKIN' PORRIDGE

HOW TO PLAY   

•Exactly the same as Rummy, but everyone must talk in stupid voice. 


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BRIGDE

HOW TO PLAY 

•The same as Bridge, but spelt badly. 


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THE BROKEN KETTLE

This one can be played just about anywhere! Great for long car journeys! 

 HOW TO PLAY 

•The rules are exactly the same as Monopoly, except that the game must be played using only the Community Chest and Chance cards, and the little piece shaped like an iron. 


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BOB THE BILLY GOAT

This is one of Quentin Cement's favourites! 

 HOW TO PLAY 

•The dealer is the person who is the best at golf.  •The dealer gives each player 5 cards each.  •Each player tears all of their cards in half, and puts three of the resulting pieces and envelope and sends it to the prime minister of Denmark.  •Everyone should now have 3½ cards each, which they throw at the first person to blink.  •The game then starts again.  •The winner is the first person to walk in the room and say "What game are you playing?"  •If anyone walks in the room and asks "Why have you torn the cards in half?" then the dealer must take that person to the nearest K-Mart and tell them a funny joke. 


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DREDGES

We've saved the best 'til last - you'll be awake from 6 am to 3 am playing this one! 

 HOW TO PLAY 

•The game can be played with up to 50 people, and requires a pack of cards with the useless cards, the Jokers, and the Jacks, Queens and Kings removed. These cards must be given the special treatment.*  •A coin is flipped to decide the dealer. If the result is heads, the dealer is the oldest person present unless his middle name begins with B, in which case the dealer is the youngest person present. If the oldest person present does not have a middle name, then the game is declared a draw.  •If the result is tails, then everyone must purchase a home entertainment system from an electronic store whose name begins with R, unless the manager of that store has an allergy to standard bedclothes, in which case the home entertainment system must be purchased from the nearest store that is offering a 3-year warranty on its microwave ovens. The person with the most expensive home entertainment system is the dealer.  •If no-one can find a coin, then the dealer is the carpet.  •The dealer hands out 7 cards to each player, except for the tallest person present, who gets half a card, and the person who has the greatest knowledge of Zen Bhuddism**, who gets the entire pack of cards, plus everyone else's life savings.  •Everyone throws their cards out the window, and the dealer goes and gets them.  •The dealer is decided again using the coin method, and the game is repeated.  •The winner is the person with the most friends. 

* The special treatment is as follows:  

1.Soak the cards in water for a night.  2.Feed the cards to the dog. If the dog doesn't like them, or doesn't exist, then eat them yourself.  3.Go out and purchase another pack of cards. 

** This can be established by everyone giving a 20-minute presentation on Zen Bhuddism to the nearest High Priest of Zen Bhuddism. The priest, after watching every presentation, then decides who has the greatest knowledge of Zen Bhuddism. If the priest can't understand English, then everyone must eat a loaf of bread, and no-one is said to have the greatest knowledge of Zen Bhuddism. This condition is known as being "Dredged".  


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POINTED SPHERES
by Joe (integ@execpc.com)

For up to and including 14 penguins. 

 HOW TO PLAY 

•Get a deck of cards.  •The first human to de-evolve into a penguin wins. 


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WORLD OF SPRENDIGOTE
by Ryan Mooney
A card game for eight players. 

 HOW TO PLAY 

•Arrange seven chairs in a rough elliptical shape.  Place a slice of raisin bread on all but two chairs: on each of the two remaining chairs balance a golf ball on top of a small model of the Tower of London. •Calculate the percentage of bread from the loaf you have laid on the chairs (for example, if you took the five slices from a loaf which originally contained twenty-six, the percentage is equal to 5/26: i.e. 19.23%.  It is not necessary to calculate further than the second decimal point for the purposes of this amateur version of the game).  This number is known as the "plent", and is divided by the current unemployment rate of the country alphabetically listed directly after the one you are currently playing the game in.  The quotient of this operation is the "plent-trote" and is written down in yellow crayon on black cardboard and placed face downin the centre of the ellipse. •The letter A is assigned the value of the plent-trote and the letter Z the value of the plent-trote when read in reverse order (i.e. if the plent-trote is 2.81 then A=2.81 and Z=18.2).  Using the equation for an arithmetic series (where whatever value you have assigned to A (the plent-trote) is the first term and whatever value you have assigned to Z (the plent-trote in reverse) is the twenty-sixth term) calculate the values for the other letters of the alphabet.  Thus where x is a constant, B-A=x, Q-P=x, W-V=x and so on. •Using the numerical values for each letter, calculate the total sum represented by your first name. •The person with the highest sum for their name becomes the dealer and is given a pack of cards. (Note: to avoid the dealer always being someone with a long name, either award the position of dealer to the person with the shortest name every alternate game or only count the initial letter of each name.  In the event of two or more people having the same initial, play one of the games listed above to decide who becomes the dealer.) •At a signal from the dealer, the players stand behind their chairs.  The signal can take any form the dealer wants, providing it occurs between three and sevenminutes after he/she was awarded the position of dealer and includes a gentle downward motion of the elbow from the region above the ear to the midriff of the person standing next to him/her. •The two players unlucky enough to be standing behind chairs with the golf ball and small model of the Tower of London are permitted to remove them, but only by using implements made before 1945 to push them off the chair or knock them over. •If the attempts to remove the golf ball and small model of the Tower of London were successful, the dealer must give the players a slice of raisin bread which they may either place on top of one of the other players' slices, or poke a small hole through and hide under the chair.  If the attempts were unsuccessful, the players must stand on the chair, being careful not to knock over the golf ball or small model of the Tower of London. •The dealer announces "I am now going to shuffle the cards."  This is the signal for all the players to sit in their chairs, except the one who doesn't have a chair because there aren't enough.  He/she either squats and hums the theme to any television game show or runs outside and throws a tennis ball to the dog. •Any player sitting on raisin bread raises their hand and receives a card chosen at random from the deck by the dealer.  Players not sitting on raisin bread because they placed it on someone else's chair, hid it under their chair or are standing on their chair must smile smugly. •Players with smug smiles must try to charm one of the other players to let them see their card.  Successful attempts here are rewarded by another random card. Unsuccessful attempts are punished by the dealer posting seaweed to the player's home address. •All players with cards or who have charmed other players into showing them their card stand, lock arms and form a circle around the dealer, facing outwards. •The dealer taps the backs of two of the players standing around him/her while the players with no cards or who cannot see a card collect all the cards being held by the players in the interlocked circle.  The no-card players (the "sabees") confer and inform the player with the highest card (see below) that he/she has the highest card by using the phrase "You are the one of which the runes speak" whilst massaging them on the shoulder. •CARDS: From highest to lowest: K,Q,J,10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,A.  Clubs are higher than diamonds, which are higher than hearts, which are higher than spades. •The player who has been informed that he/she is the one of which the runes speak (the "gestelbuit") is given one chance to guess the identity of at least one of the players who was tapped on the back by the dealer.  If they were tapped, they cannot nominate themselves.  Meanwhile the sabees leave the room and play with the dog or go home to await their seaweed. •If the gestelbuit correctly identifies one of the back-tapped players, that player is out and must put all the cards back in the little box without bending or losing any.  If not, this task falls to the gestelbuit who is also out. •All players remaining lose whatever qualifications they had (such as dealer or gestelbuit), remove chairs until there are just enough for them all to sit down and eat any of the raisin bread they can find. •The first player to write out a palindrome of more than twenty letters in Latin gets to choose who wins.

©1997 Ryan Mooney. (Yay mum)