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If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
"British Rail advise that the thus right of way is not dedicated to the
public."
--- neither is British Rail
"The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away." -- Tom Waits
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish, and he'll drink beer for a lifetime.
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Boss in government department: Why didn't you take the leave due to you this year?
Civil servant: I needed the rest
"I never know what to do with my hands when I'm talking."
"How about covering your mouth?"
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? .He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...
Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
When you secure an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
Incomimg fire has the right of way.
Sober: A state of mind when it is difficult to fall in love.
Committee: a group of people who can reduce two clear alternatives to eighteen unclear ones.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
Buoy: Navigational aid. There are several types and colors of buoys of
which the most numerous are:
the black can (seen as a fuzzy black spot on the horizon)
the red nun (seen as a fuzzy black spot on the horizon)
the red or green day beacon(seen as a fuzzy black spot on the horizon),
and
the vertically striped black-and-white channel marker (seen as a fuzzy
black spot on the horizon)
I often compare Margaret Thatcher with Florence Nightingale. She stalks through the wards of our hospitals as a lady with a lamp. Unfortunately, it's a blowlamp. --- Denis Healey
When Carter gave a fireside chat, the fire went out.
Where Shakespeare had written the word `O' she favoured us with an extended imitation of a hurrying ambulance.
It had two strikes against it. One was that you couldn't hear half of it. The other was the half you could hear. --- Walter Kerr
With his womanly voice, stark white skin and Medusa hair, his gash of red lipstick, heavy eyeliner, almost non-existent nose and lopsided face, Jackson was making this appearance in order to scotch all rumours that he is not quite normal. --- Craig Brown in the Sunday Times on the 1993 interview of Michael Jackson by Oprah Winfrey.
Denise Robbins: I've just written my 87th book.
Barbara Cartland: I've written 145.
DR: Oh I see, one a year.
With some films you're forever checking your watch. With Tai-Pan you'll be checking your calendar. --- 'People'.
Preminger's taste is atrocious. His idea of erotic symbolism is Jane Fonda caressing Michael Caine's saxophone. -- 'Cue'
