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2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Anything that can be bought for $19.99 can be left on the shelf.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
An abstainer is someone who yields to the temptation of denying himself pleasure.
A woman drove me to drink -- and I never got the chance to thank her.
Beethoven is now decomposing.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Civil servants do nothing wrong. They do nothing.
Did it ever occur to you health nuts that the extra years you're adding on are spent running and exercising?
Drink eight cokes - -and get seven up.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" till you can find a rock.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
Eschew obfuscation.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Everything was going swell - then I was born.
Forget about world peace... visualize using Your Turn Signal!
Good wine is old. Why let it get older?
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
HELP! The paranoids are after me!
How's my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT
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It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I think, therefore I am overqualified to work here.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I apologize for existing - it's the least I can do.
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you, dammit!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Life's a habit I'm in no mood to break.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
My dad's always right. And he's a pessimist.
MONTANA -- At least our cows are sane!
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
My karma ran over your dogma.
My reality check bounced.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
No radio. Already stolen.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Orders received and misunderstood.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Reality? That's where the pizzaq delivery guy comes from!
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Save California; when you leave, take someone with you.
Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all its students!
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
When things go wrong, it helps to have a conspiracy theory.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven in like the IRS.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
What the aliens said to us on discovering Voyager: "Please stop dumping your garbage on us."
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
You are consistently inconsistent, except when it comes to failure.
