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5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A king's castle is his home.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
All generalisations are false.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Born free...Taxed to death.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Courage is your greatest present need.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
Familiarity breeds children.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I drive this way to piss you off.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I brake for no apparent reason.
In honor of Earth Day, anyone asking for help today will be treated like dirt.
It works better if you plug it in.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
Keep honking while I reload.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Lead me not into temptation --- I can find the way myself.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Life's a bitch, then you die.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
Rehab is for quitters.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Support Cannibalism -- Eat Me!
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The road to to success is always under construction.
Those who can't write, write help files.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. ---
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When in doubt, don't bother.
When in doubt, ignore it.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Warning: Dates in Calendar [alt: on Schedule] are closer than they appear.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
