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The first great alternative dictionary was Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary, which will be the first book I'll buy once I can afford to buy a square meter of my own.
Since the publication of this classic, there have been several other additions:
Absent Minded Person : One who stands in front of the mirror for hours trying to remember where he had seen the person before .
Actuary: Someone who found accountancy too exciting.
Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
Anaesthetist: a doctor who delays your pain until such time as you get his bill.
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
Brain : the apparatus with which we think that we think.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobaco rolled in paper with fire at one end and an idiot at the other .
Circle: A line that meets its other end without ending.
CLEARASOL: Effective sunspot remover.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Committee: a group of people who can reduce two clear alternatives to eighteen unclear ones.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece .
Computer Scientist: someone who, when told to go to hell, sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present .
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks , nobody listens on .
Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage .
Die : what some patients so in the end to humiliate the doctor.
Diplomat: A wealthy man assigned to meddle with other people's business.
Diplomat: Someone who can tell you to go to hell so nicely you'll look forward to the trip.
Education : The inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompentent. --- John Maynard Keynes
GAY ABANDON: Homosexual repellent perfume.
Journalism: that extraordinary scribbling to be found in newspapers, on the back of the advertisements (G. K. Chesterton)
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
KODACLONE: duplicating film.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either .
Lottery: : A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love affairs : Something like cricket where one:day internationals are more popular than a five day test .
Mathemetician - a device used to convert coffee into theorems.
Managing Director: someone who knows where the factory is, and even goes there sometimes. -- Mark Spade
MOP AND GLOW Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Moron: The fundamental unit of morality. May or may not be charged. Extremely high moment of inertia makes it almost unmoveable, so most people go around it.
Minister of Defence: One who is always ready to lay down your life for their country.
Moped: A device designed to MOw PEDestrians. --- Jean Diruni
Niagara Falls: The honeymoon bride's second disappointment. --- Oscar Wilde
Numbskull : a stupid skeleton
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Opportunists : One who starts having a bath when he/she accidently falls in a river .
Pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.
Politics: noun. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
Puritan: a man who no's what he likes.
Puritanism: The haunting feeling that someone, somewhere, might be happy.
QUARKBAR: the candy with flavour and charm.
QUASIMOTO: 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
Sober: A state of mind when it is difficult to fall in love.
Sadist: one who would put a drawing pin on an electric chair.
SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. -- Rilla May
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will:power is defeated by feminine water:power .
TRAPEZOID: A device for catching zoids.
Twit : Someone who's not a nitwit, but getting there.
XMODEM: A spot-marking transfer protocol.
YTERM: A terminal program for queries.
