Who's on next - the soccer version
"Who's on next?" was a famous two-man act by the Americans Abbott and Costello based on a baseball team. There's no reason why such a gem of illogic should be confined to an American sport that hardly anyone else cares about... so here's a more global version.
Chris: I would like to welcome that well known coach of Miami Missers FC, Jonathan Nahtanoj! (half the audience lets out an unconvincing cheer) Currently we are watching his team play the Chicago Crushers.
Jonathan: Thanks Chris.
Chris: Looks like you have quite a team there Jona.
Jonathan: Yes, we do.
Chris: Can you tell me some of their names? After all, they might be famous one day!
Jonathan: Sure - Who's the rightback, What's the centerback and Idontknow the leftback.
Chris: Just a minute - you're the manager, aren't you? Surely you must know the names of the players!
Jonathan: Course I do and now I've told you.
Chris: So who's the rightback?
Jonathan: That's right.
Chris: Well I would hardly expect the rightback to be left.
Jonathan: True, but Left is a great goalie. It's often Left behind What.
Chris: What's left behind what?
Jonathan: No, Left's behind What.
Chris: What?
Jonathan: Our centerback.
Chris: What centerback?
Jonathan: Yeah, him.
Chris: Let me see if I have understood anything here. Who's the rightback?
Jonathan: Yep, Who.
Chris: I dont know!
Jonathan: No, he's our leftback!
Chris: What!
Jonathan: Centerback.
Chris: Who's the centerback?
Jonathan: No, Who plays right!
Chris: Who plays left then?
Jonathan: Well, our strikers sometimes give him some practice.
Chris: Strikers. Well, let's go to them. What's the name of your centerforward?
Jonathan: No no no, What's our centerback.
Chris: What the hell is going on!
Jonathan: Not yet - he usually gets on in the second half.
Chris: What the hell?
Jonathan: Yes.
Chris: (really controlling himself now) I see. Actually I cant see hogswash, but let's get back to the strikers. Does your centerforward have a name?
Jonathan: Why.
Chris: Well, I just thought I'd ask you!
Jonathan: And I just thought I'd tell you. Why.
Chris: Because.
Jonathan: He's our sweeper. Great at free kicks too.
Chris: Who's your sweeper?
Jonathan: No, he's rightback.
Chris: Your sweeper plays right back?
Jonathan: Sometimes, he's good friends with the goalie and they often want to chat in the middle of the game.
Chris: Okay, let's forget the field. Let's suppose it's payday. All your players line up to get the cash from the cashier. Who gets it first?
Jonathan: No, we do it in alphabetical order. So Who is near the end.
Chris: Who's near the end?
Jonathan: That's correct. But sometimes his mum comes to get the cash.
Chris: Who's mum?
Jonathan: Yes.
Chris: You dont know?
Jonathan: You mean Idontknow - he gets it first.
Chris: Naturally.
Jonathan: Oh you've met him have you?
Chris: Who?
Jonathan: Not him, Naturally.
Chris: Not who?
Jonathan: Naturally. Our central midfielder.
Chris: Listen,...
Jonathan: He's our other midfielder. I like the 3-2-4-1 formation.
Chris: Listen, if I get one more wisecrack out of you, this team will need a new coach!
Jonathan: Actually, there is a vacancy for the job of technical director - would you like it?
Chris: Sure!
Jonathan: No, he doesnt want it. Wait, wait, control yourself!
apologies to Abbott and Costello
A goalkeeper was walking down a street when he saw a house on
fire.
Rushing
there, he saw a woman with a baby in her arms trapped on the third floor.
He told her that, his job being what it was, he would catch the baby. After
a little hesitation, she dropped the infant. The goalie caught it
expertly, and in true reflexive fashion, moved a few steps with it before
kicking the little brat into the distance.
