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Beaver to tree: "Good to gnaw you"
Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
Boss: I don't like 'Yes' men. When I say 'no' I want them to say 'no'
too.
Boss: We will now take a vote on my recommendation. All who disagree
lift your right arm and say "Aye resign."
Cars have 100 horsepower in the wheels and 1 asspower at the wheel.
Committees are not in themselves bad. It's just that people
tend to hide behind each other whenever they're in one.
Computers are the best thing that ever happened to mankind,
but why did the aliens dump them here?
Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a
lawyer.
Consultants ... are like castrated bulls. All they can do is advise. --- Victor Kiam
Consultants are people who borrow your watch to tell you the time and then walk away with it. --- Robert Townsend (1970)
Did you hear of the poor black-belt karate champ who broke his
hand trying to cut a Christmas fruitcake in half?
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
Doctor to patient: What is that strange growth on your neck? Oh, it's
your head.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Did you hear about the Irishman who hijacked a submarine and
demanded a million bucks and a parachute?
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every
year.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Do unto others, then run.....................
Does Time pass? Yes, it does. How else can you explain Visa bills?
Don't use no double negatives, not never.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't eat the yellow snow.
Down with categorical imperatives.
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- last words of Groucho
Marx
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just
abuse the privilege.
Education is what folks have left over after they've
forgotten most of what they learned in school.
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. -- last words of Oscar Wilde
Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise. --
Atwood
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Economists are people who think the poor need them to tell them that they are poor. -- Andre Drucker
Famous last words in Las Vegas....Give me the money I told you
not to give me!
Familiarity breeds children.
Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two.
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine
Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my
lever.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
God is an atheist.
Given a choice of diet or die, I wonder what I'd do?
He who lives by the sword mustn't let anyone else get one.
Have an adequate day.
He has the heart of a little child... it's in a jar on his desk.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Holidays make you feel good enough to return to work. And so poor that
you're forced to.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on
people.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish
they
were.
How Ozzies view England: That's where all the convicts came from.
Happiness is wanting what you have.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
He's called a broker because after you deal with him you are.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
I am not a hard drinker. I actually find it very easy.
I am a miracle worker. It's a miracle if I work.
I promised my sister a food mixer as a wedding present. Wait till she
sees the wooden spoon I got her!
It isn't Politically Correct to use "divergent" - the function is
"convergently
challenged".
I hate uncertainty. So it's nice that to know that I'm really stone broke.
Is it better to be adored by ten people whom you know or
by a million whom you don't?
If you can't repeat gossip, what else can you do with it?
I never skip classes, unless they happen to clash with my
free time.
I am very time-conscious - I always know when I'm late.
I went to Australia recently --- but it was closed.
I went to Las Vegas last week for laughs. In one day I laughed
away my car!
I have a black belt in karate. It's not that I'm good, it's
just that I never wash it!
I used to have an hour glass figure, but the sand shifted.
In God we trust. All others pay cash.
It's not the minutes spent at the table that makes one
fat...it's the seconds.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask
permission.
If you can guess how many marbles are in my head I'll give you both.
I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad.
--- Allen
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was
wrong.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
-- Albran
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the
lost.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I do a lot of thinking in the john. Says a lot for my thoughts.
I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
I will always love the false image I had of you.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. --
Groucho
Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. --
Marx
I'll procrastinate...tomorrow.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be
pregnant.
If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was
yesterday?
Illiterate? Write for free help.
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. -- Albert
Einstein
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
It's not hard to meet expenses...
they're everywhere.
If you're living on the edge,
make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would have put them on my knees.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't
been anywhere.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me,
it's the sudden stop at the end.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No
thanks-I'm not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door
complained.
Just about the time we think we can make both ends
meet, somebody moves the ends.
Juvenile delinquency is when a kids start acting like
their fathers.
Karate makes sense. If you practice breaking boards in half,
you'll be able to protect yourself the next time a board attacks
you!
Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry Camp
Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out.
Life is like an analogy.
Label on Piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Money isn't everything, but poverty is absolutely nothing.
Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.
Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
Money DOES talk -- it says goodbye.
Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.
Mr. Bullfrog sez: Time is fun when you're having flies.
My name is Annie Key. Ouch! Why are you hitting me?!
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My son is now at an awkward age: too old to cry and too
young to swear.
My dog is afraid of burglars. I had to put a dog alarm in
his dog house.
My watch is amazing -- I am amazed it still works.
Mama to child: How many millions of times have I told you not to
exaggerate?
My dog refuses to lift a leg to help me water the garden.
Mama corn to baby corn...the stalk brought you.
Notice on a church notice board : "Don't keep the faith -
spread it around."
Notice in Copenhagen hotel room: In case of fire, signify your presence
to the fire brigade through the window in a composed manner.
Never knock on Death's door;
ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.
Never go abroad. It's a dreadful place.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can
avoid doing altogether.
No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.
Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded. (I've actually HEARD this!)
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy Ash
On the roads, never argue with a vehicle heavier than yours.
One lady driver said it all. "The thing I hate most about
parking is that noisy crash!"
One of those exotic French restaurants where you needed an interpreter to help you eat the food.
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one
finger on the escape key.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the
lottery won't spoil me.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who
do.
Planes are so fast nowadays that we can go around the world in two hours, including one hour to get to the airport.
People who sleep like babies never have any.
People who cough loudly go to the doctor --- after the cinema.
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything in Latin sounds
profound.)
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Rich bastard to chaffeur: I think I'll commite suicide today for a
change. Please drive over the next cliff Charles.
Sign seen on door: C I T Y P L A N N ING
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -- Fletcher
Knebel
Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Sigmund Freud
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
"Stand still!" said Billy the Kid to the shaking postmaster "These
bullets
aren't free!"
Supplementary exams are for the sick and thick. (or hazy and lazy.)
Sure, I want a woman in my life. Just not in my
house.
Some cannibals do become good Catholics --- they eat fishermen only on
Fridays.
Social relativity: most arguments cannot be resolved fully
because everyone has a different ruler.
The honest soldier: Orders received and misunderstood.
The smoothest thing about a used car is the salesman.
If you see an onion ring---answer it.
The South American preseident returned from a duck shoot with his
generals: they did the shooting and he did the ducking.
Too many cooks, in baking rock cakes, get misled by the word 'rock'.
Take life like Sergei Bubka - a centimetre at a time.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is
the depth.
The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the
bathroom.
Things are easy when you train hard. AND bribe chance.
To find a friend one must close one eye:
to keep him, two.
--Norman Douglas
That was Zen; this is Tao.
Two wrongs don't make a right,
but two Wrights made an airplane.
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell
me about some of the people who were here last year."
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore
like an idiot..
There is only one thing worse thn the flu season; the
tax season. You can recover from the flu.
The only thing lazy people do fast is get tired.
The school of experience would be more pleasant if there
were a vacation once in a while.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
chance.
The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have
it
made.
The death rate on Earth is: .... (computing) .... One per person.
The face of a child says it all; especially the
mouth part.
To the sufficiently talented fool, nothing is
foolproof.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your
action.
The Rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.--- Mark Russel [well if even Swissair sends luggage to Teheran instead of Harare, what do you expect?]
Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived
happily ever after.
They were dropping like Clinton's flies.
The only thing wrong with tonight's play is that the seats face the
stage.
There's nothing like an airport for bringing you down to earth -- Richard Gordon
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate
it.
The best way to keep fishes from smelling is to cut off
their noses.
The less people know the more stubbornly they know it.
There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to
life.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
This aphorism would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
it.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. -- Winston
Churchill
This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
To err is human. To blame someone else for your errors is even more
human.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it is just the
opposite.
We aren't sure how clouds form. But they know, that is what counts.
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Key
What if there were no hypothetical situations? --Andrew Kohlsmith
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
What we need are more family trees that will produce more
lumber and fewer nuts.
What this country needs today is fewer experts on what
this country needs.
What a nice night for an evening.
Where there is a will, there is an Inheritance Tax.
When you're finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone else decide to play chess?
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
When his house caught fire, he started to dig a well.
When she has a heavy date she gets into something light.
Young people are so busy knocking that they do not notice
that the door is open. --- Hercule Poirot
Your hairstyle is quite a dish -- spaghetti.
You simply *must* stop taking other people's advice.
You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is
sufficient.
You can tell when politicians are lying: their lips move.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot
today.
Your lucky number is 364958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
