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Chemistry Professor: Wears a white lab coat. This may actually be clean but does not have to be. Practical Chemistry professor have a brand new coat that has never been in the lab. Polymer Chemistry professors have strange glop on their coat, and Introductory Chemistry professors have acid holes.
Physics Professor: Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt. May sometimes forget to wear shirt altogether. If a professor is wearing blue jeans and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist. Physics professors often have German accents, but this is not a distinguishing characteristic. Be wary of psychologists with fake Viennese accents which can sound similar to the unwary.
Biology Professor: Sometimes wears a lab coat, though usually this is the sign of a biochemist. Marine biologists walk around in hip boots for no explainable reason, even in the middle of winter. They are apt to wear gray slacks and smell like fish, as opposed to most biologists, who smell strongly of formaldehyde. Microbiology instructors go around in spotless white coats, refuse to drink beer on tap, and wipe all their silverware before using it. Never loan money to a Biology Professor, no matter how much he asks.
Psychology Professor: Psychologists are not real scientists, and can be easily identified by their screams of protest whenever anyone questions whether Psychology is a science. Psychology people have beady little eyes and don't laugh at jokes about psychology. If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist.
Computer Science Professor: Most Computer Science Professors are from India or Pakistan. You can tell by the gestures and accents. This is not a bad thing, though many of the American Computer Science professors tend to pick up Indian accents which confounds more specific identification. Like mushrooms, Computer Science students only come out at night, and, if not Indian, tend to take on a pasty appearance. Computer Science Professors do not use computers and therefore can be easily identified by their comparative good health with respect to their students. Many Computer Science Professors do not even know how to use computers, and are actually mathematicians or psychologists in disguise. Avoid these people.
Math Professor: Math Professors are like Physics Professors except without any practical bent. A Math Professor will have only books and pencils in his office, as opposed to the piles of broken equipment that Physicists keep. Mathematicians scorn the use of computers and calculators and often have difficulty splitting bills in restaurants. The easy way to identify a Mathematician is by the common use of the phrases "It can be shown that..." and "Is left as an exercise to the student..."
A bunch of distinguished professors were visiting the Hwange National Park. They drove out on the savannah in their jeep, stopped and scouted the horizon with their binoculars.
Suddenly the engineering prof shouted ``Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras ! We'll be famous!''
The biology prof replied ``I wonder if its offspring have stripes?''
The physics prof punched his calculator and said ``It should take four and a half cans of paint to get the stripes back on.''
The chemistry prof quickly worked out a new paint formula that would make just four cans of paint sufficient.
The statistics prof added ``It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra.''
The maths prof made his contribution ``Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side.''
But the Park Ranger with them said ``Oh, so that's where my horse went!''
Professsor: Given the age of the light as 3 x 10^8 m/s and the density of water as 1km/m^3, what's my age?
Student: I'd say about -- 46.
Professor: Excellent! How did you know that?
Student: You see, sir, my brother's 23 and he's only half-mad.
A group of mathematicians and a bunch of businessmen were travelling on a train. The mathies had only one ticket for all of them, while the businessmen, who had a ticket each, were busy having a good laugh about what would happen when the conductor came around.
Then they heard the voice of the conductor in the next carriage.
The mathies all dashed to the nearest toilet and stayed there till the conductor knocked on its door and said "Ticket please."
A hand duly popped out with a ticket and the conductor went on to the next carriage. The mathematicians then returned to the compartment where the much impressed businessmen were waiting.
On the return journey, the businessmen bought just a single ticket for the lot of them while the mathies didn't have any ticket. When they heard the conductor nearby, the two groups rushed to toilets at the opposite ends of the carriage.
But just before the conductor passed by, one mathematician went to the businessmen's toilet, rapped on the door and said "Ticket please."
