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Anybody who hates children and dogs can't be all that bad. --- Leo Rosten
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make when they go flying by. --- Douglas Adams
"Americans don't really understand what's going on in Bosnia. To them it's the unspellables killing the unpronouncables." -- P.J.O'Rourke
"I'm proud to say that my kids have proved time and again that they're reliable and trustworthy. Not once have they ever jumped bail." --Quoted in the Wall St. Journal
"The only completely consistent people are dead." -- Aldous Huxley (deceased)
"It's not that I fear death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." -- Woody Allen
Odd things these animals. All dogs look up to you. All cats look down on you. Only a pig looks at you like an equal. --- Churchill. "I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing." -- Johnny Carson
"Every time Europe looks across the Atlantic to see the American eagle it observes only the rear end of an ostrich." -- H.G.Wells
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.... unless there are three other people." -- Orson Welles
Critics never worry unless they are right, but that does not often occur. --- Noel Coward
"The secret to success is sincerity; if you can fake that, you can do anything." -- George Burns
"Let not the atom bomb be the final sequel
In which all men are cremated equal." --- Kaye Phelps
"I refuse to endure months of expensive humiliation [at a psychologist's] only to be told that at the age of four I was in love with my rocking horse. --- Noel Coward
"Madame Tussaud's must have been all set for a Reagan victory. Within minutes of the announcement [of the 1980 presidential race] an effigy that looked nothing like him was being lifted into position, while the effigy that looked nothing like Carter was taken away to be given a new haircut and be labelled as someone else -- Gary Cooper perhaps." --- Clive James
The fashion industry is largely run by men who wouldn't know a real woman if they found one in their black satin bedsheets. --- Jilly Parkin, 1992.
"Brevity is the soul of lingerie." -- Dorothy Parker
Affirmation: I humbly strive to understand and respect the opinions of others, regardless of their inferior intellect.
Affirmation: I will gladly share my experiences and advice with others, for there are no sweeter words than "Idiot, I told you so."
Affirmation: I am grateful that my inner voices are now in agreement.
Affirmation: I am responsible for my actions, including those that are someone else's fault.
Affirmation: All I ask for getting through the day is a warm smile, a kind word, and unlimited control.
Affirmation: The first step to becoming complete is to say nice things about myself. The second is to do nice things for myself. The third is to have someone else do nice things for/to myself.
Affirmation: As I grow and become whole, I learn that criticism is not as effective as sabotage.
Affirmation: I honor and freely express all facets of my being, despite any and all federal, state, and local ordinances.
Affirmation: I am one with my duality.
Affirmation: I rejoice with gratitude that I am not as judgmental as the self-righteous, censorious jerks around me.
Affirmation: As I release myself from Outer Guilt and Denial, I get in touch with the joy of my Inner Sociopath.
Affirmation: As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me silent.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. --- August Strindberg
I'm a bitter, cynical, spiteful man. Please don't take that joy away from me.
"The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away." -- Tom Waits
"Oh no! I've go through another day kissing John Gilbert." Lillian Gish during the filming of "La Boheme"
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." -- Hunter S. Thompson
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."-- Groucho Marx
After meeting Lorena Bobbitt, Star Trek's "Q" became "O"......
Today, watching television often means fighting, violence and foul language -- and that's just deciding who gets to hold the remote control. --Donna Gephart
Beauty is only skin deep. But ugly -- now that's probably got some nasty roots on it. --Crabby Road
He drops more names than a telephone book with bad binding. --Michel Marriott
She talks so fast that trying to interject is like threading the needle of a sewing machine while it's running. --Nelda Flynn
Philosophy of Life: What it comes down to is, when you come into the world you have nothing ... when you leave you have nothing ... and in between there's the IRS. --Bob Thaves (Frank Ernest)
Words skittered out of his mouth like cartoon dogs on fresh-waxed linoleum, frantically going nowhere. --Amy Tan
A raise is like a martini: it elevates the spirit, but only temporarily. --Dan Seligman
The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. --Jerry Seinfeld
She uses tired cliches like coasters -- a place to rest her mind before picking it up and using it again. --Janet Schwind
"Charity begins at home." At about 6:30, when they call you and interrupt your dinner. --Crabby Road
The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way. --Earle Hitchner
Anyone with money to burn will always find himself surrounded by people with matches. Joe Ryan
If time were a color, I bet it would be a tasteful off-white. --Greg Parrish
For some reason, immigrants always think that they have to join an onion before they're allowed to work. --Chris Gahan
Whenever I'm driving through the desert, and I see a roadrunner, I run it over and say, "That's for the coyote!" I don't really like the coyote, but it's a good excuse to run over things. --Craig Stacey
I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents cheeted. --Paul Paternoster
If I can make just one person laugh, then it must've been a pretty good eulogy. --Wade Kwon
I don't see why people waste good money buying blenders. A garbage disposal works just as well, and it comes with the apartment. --Paul Paternoster
I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference. --Steven Wright
Old lie -- The check is in the mail. New lie -- I didn't check the e-mail. --Brian Fine
I won't stand for gossip! No, I sit down and make myself comfortable for gossip. --Crabby Road
Sign seen: "In honor of Earth Day, anyone asking for help today will be treated like dirt."
The Falklands conflict was a quarrel between two bald men over a comb. --- Jorge Luis Borges.
"The continued existence of Geness provides incontestible proof that there is no God. Feauturing, as always, Beelzebub on drums and vocals --- Adam Higginbotham, 1992.
"The musician who invented Swing ought to." --- New York Times.
"Lloyd Webbers music is everywhere but so is AIDS." -- Malcolm Williamson
"I know the sort of doctors it have in Trinidad... They think nothing of killing two three people before breakfast." This wasn't as bad as it sounds: in Trinidad the midday meal is called breakfast. --- The Mystic Masseur, V.S.Naipaul, p1
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. --Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever. --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. --Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
