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While passing by an old secondhand bookshop, I suddenly remembered that I never pass by old secondhand bookshops without forgetting to pop in. Having decided that there's a first time for everything, and that this wasn't it, I popped in, and found an old (1981) rat-eaten copy of "Sailing - a dictionary for landlubbers, old salts and armchair drifters" by Henry Beard and Roy McKie.
It has some funny definitions, some of which are given here, and good cartoons, none of which are given here. As a whole, it is not worth buying unless
American Practical Navigator: Ancient nautical treatise, generally thought to deal with navigation, which to the present day has resisted all attempts to decipher it. Often found on board ship as a decorative element or paperweight.
Anchor: A heavy, hook-shaped device... designed to hold a vessel in place until (a) the wind exceeds two knots, (b) the owner and crew depart, or (c) 3 AM.
Aneroid Barometer: Meteorological instrument which sailors often use to confirm the onset of bad weather. Its readings, together with heavy rain, severe rolling, high winds, dark skies and a deep cloud cover, indicate the presence of a storm.
Battery: Electrochemical storage device capable of lighting a lamp of a wattage approximately equal to that of a refrigerator lamp for a period of 15 minutes after having been charged for two hours.
Boom: The sound produced when an alcohol stove is used to convert a boat into a liquid asset.
Buoy: Navigational aid. There are several types and colors of buoys of
which the most numerous are:
the black can (seen as a fuzzy black spot on the horizon)
the red nun (seen as a fuzzy black spot on the horizon)
the red or green day beacon(seen as a fuzzy black spot on the horizon),
and
the vertically striped black-and-white channel marker (seen as a fuzzy
black spot on the horizon)
Canvas: An abrasive sailcloth used to remove excess skin from knuckles.
Capsize: The interior diameter of any piece of headgear, usually expressed in inches [sometimes kilometers].
Chart: a large piece of paper that is useful in protecting cabin and cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains.
Clew: Evidence leading to recovery of a missing sail.
Coiled: Relatively mild upper respiratory ailment commonly contracted at sea by sailors from Brooklyn.
Compass:Navigational instrument that ... indicates the presence of machinery and magnets on board ship by spinning wildly.
Captain: see Figurehead.
COMMAND - A mnemonic used to remember how orders at sea are to be given: Confuse Obscure Mispronounce Mumble Abbreviate Nasalize Drool.
Dinghy: ... Ideally it should have sufficient stability to carry the entire crew at least 50 boat-lengths away from their vessel before foundering...
Fix: 1. The estimated position of a boat.
2. The true position a boat and its crew in are in most of the time.
Ketch: Disagreeable clause in boat-purchase contract.
Knot: Any connection between two or more ropes... having the property that the link cannot be parted or broken in any way other than severing it with a knife, except if it is subjected to steady stress in the course of normal use.
Life Preserver: Any flotation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel above water long enough to be run over by ir or another rescue craft.
Mizzen: Lozt.
Moon: Earth's natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue color, sailing conditions are generally favorable.
Oil: Thick viscous substance poured by sailors on troubled waters in former times, but now more frequently on troubled beaches, troubled marshes and troubled seabirds.
Passage: A voyage from A to B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q and point Z.
Points: Traditional units of angular measurement from the viewpoint of someone on board a vessel. They are: 'Straight ahead of you'; 'Just a little to the right of the front'; 'Right next to that thing up there'...
Sailing: The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.
Seabag: Aging mermaid.
Sea monster: Mythical giant sea creature... Obviously a preposterous supersti
Ship-to-shore Radio: A combination readio transmitter/receiver that permits captains and crew members to obtain wrong numbers and busy signals while at sea.
Spanner Wrench. One of the most useful tools for engine repair. Not currently manufactured.
Uniform: As worn by yacht club members and other shore hazards, a distinctive form of dress intended to be visible at a distance of at least 50 meters which serves to warn persons in the vicinity of the long wings and dense masses of hot air associated with these bores.
Yacht: ...commonly used to describe any boat prior to its purchase, and by many boat owners to describe their vessel to persons who have never seen it and are likely never to do so.
Zephyr: Warm pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes and unrelaiable forecasts.
