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Most of the ones below are from Chris Gurita's page.
After the Russians landed an automatic probe (Lunakhod) on the Moon... Two friends meet on a street in Prague:
- Did you hear the great news?!
- ??
- The Russians have landed on the Moon!
- Really? All of them?
Two people working on the Danube Channel (La Canal).
-How long are you in for?
-Fifteen years.
-What did you do?
-Me? Nothing.
-Eh, you are kidding, everybody knows that for
nothing one gets only ten years.
A Radio Erevan listener calls in:
-Dear Radio Erevan. I don't know what's the matter with me.
I don't love the party any more. I feel nothing at all for
Comrade Brezhnev or any of the leaders of the Party.
What should I do?
Radio Erevan answers:
-Please send us your name and adress.
Radio Erevan is asked:
-Was communism invented by politicians or by scientists?
Radio Erevan answers:
-Of course it was invented by politicians. Scientists
would have tested it on monkeys in advance.
[This joke seems to appear all over the place. Wonder where it started.]
The Romanian minister of Transport visits his counterpart
in Russia. He is surprised to see the luxurious haouse and
his rich lifestyle, much more than one would expect for a party
member of his rank.
-How do you manage? he asks.
The Russian minister takes him to the window and asks:
-Do you see that bridge over there?
-Yes.
-Well, that bridge cost one hundred million rubles. And
from such a large sum a little bit comes my way...
A few years later the Russian minister returns the visit.
The Romanian minister has an even more lavish lifestyle.
The Russian asks:
-How do you manage?
-You see that bridge over there?
-What bridge?
-Well, that bridge too cost one hundred million lei.
Brezhnev rehearses for the speech he has to hold at the opening ceremony of the Moscow Olympic Games in 1980:
- Oooooohhhh.. Ooooooohhh.. Ooooooooohhhh.. Oooooooooohhh.
Ooooooohhh..
His assistant:
- Comrade Brezhnev, these are the olympic circles, you
don't have to read them!
Brezhnev visits Romania. Ceausescu shows him a huge steel plant. Brezhnev:
- Oh, we have bigger ones!
Ceausescu shows him some farm machinery on a nearby field. Brezhnev:
- Oh, we have bigger ones!
A big fly buzzes on the windshield of the official limousine. Brezhnev:
- Oh, we have bigger ones!
After the particularily harsh winter 1984/1985, during which the Romanians had to endure cold homes and food shortages, Ceausescu held a press conference for foreign journalists.
One reporter:
- We have a lot of information on an energy crisis that has affected Romania
during this winter and which caused, among other problem, a shortage of
warm water and heating in the homes. What has caused this and what measures
have been taken?
Ceausescu:
- Yes, it is true, we had a lot of problems during the winter because the
huge quantity of snow blocked the rail lines and the coal trains could not
get to the power plants. We had to reduce the amount of energy used for
heating in order to keep the industry running, but nobody died of freezing.
Another reporter:
- We have heared that there are food shortages in Romania and that much food
is exported in order to pay Romania's foreign debt. What can you say about
this?
Ceausescu:
- Yes, it is true, we have certain obligations to fulfill and this means
that we have to export food and this causes shortages,, but nobody has
dies of starvation.
A third reporter:
- Mister Ceausescu, when you saw that both cold and starvation have failed,
why didn't you try nerve gas?
A Georgian gets on a plane flight to Moscow. In the middle of the flight, another passenger pulls out a gun and demands the pilot fly to Paris. The Georgian jumps him, beats him silly, and announces "This plane flies to Moscow, as planned." When he lands, he is awarded a Hero of the Soviet Union medal. After the ceremony, the KGB interrogates him. "Tell us the truth, why did you really stop the hijacking?" The Georgian replies "There was no way I could have sold the oranges I was smuggling in Paris!"
Old Brezhev joke,
Americans land on moon, Brezhnev calls Soviet cosmonauts and gives an order:
-
-By the end of this month Soviet spaceship must
land on sun!
-
- Ok,comrade General Secretary, but the problem is
that we will burn alive
- replied cosmonauts.
-
- Do you think we are all studip here in the politburo!
You are going to land there at night! replied Brezhev
How a gipsy was kicked out of the Communist Party of Yugoslavia three times:
In 1949 they told him to take down the picture, and he took down the wrong one.
In the 50's they asked him why he didn't attend the last Party meeting to which he answered: "If I'd known that was the last one I would have been there for sure."
In 1980 he heard that DM 20,000,000 were spent on Tito's funeral and he commented: "With that sort of money we could have buried the entire Central Committee!"
That's the end of Gurita's stuff.
A British soldier, an American solider and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise, and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.
"In the Russian army we have 2000 calories of food a day," said the Russian.
"Well," said the Englishman, "In the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day."
"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we have 8000 calories of food a day!"
At this, the Russian got very annoyed and exclaimed, "Nonsense! How could one man eat so much cabbage?!"
The KGB, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Kruschev was busy denouncing Stalin at a public meeting when a voice shouted out ``If you feel this way now, why didn't you say so then?'' To which the Soviet leader thundered ``Who said that?'' There was a long and petrified silence which Kruschev finally broke. ``Now you know why.''
Mao was once asked what he thought would have happened if Kruschev had died instead of Kennedy. ``Well,'' he replied after much deliberation, ``I doubt if Aristotle Onassis would have married Mrs. Kruschev.''
A man in Russia saves up all his money to buy a car. It takes him
years.
Eventually he has enough saved and he goes down to his local Lada dealer.
He pays his money and asks when he can collect his car.
Salesman: You can collect it in 1998.\\
Buyer: What month?
Salesman: April..
Buyer: What date?
Salesman: The 22nd.
Buyer: Morning or Afternoon?
Salesman: (getting annoyed) What difference does it make, it's 5 years
away.
Buyer: But the plumber is coming in the morning ......
Gorbachev received a letter from the Byelorussian Republic requesting approval for a new Navy. He was quite puzzled, as the Republic was landlocked and didn't even have a decent lake, and queried the request .The reply soon came "Uzbekistan has a Ministry of Culture, so why can't we have a Navy?"
Communist Party worker: If you had two houses, wouldn't you share one with your poor comrades?
Muscovite: Yes of course.
CPW: And if you had two cars, you would share one with the State?
M: Certainly.
CPW: Good! And if you had two shirts, wouldn't you share one with your neighbour?
M: Nyet.
CPW: No? Why not?
M: I don't have two shirts.
A CIA spy is on his first day scouting Moscow. Fluent in Russian, he is confident of blending into the crowd. First, he stops at a corner store to get an apple. The lady there gives him a big smile, "Morning Mr American, how can I help you?" Shocked, he quietly buys an apple. Next stop, an old lady on a park bench. "Morning ma'am, can I have the time please?" "Sure, Mr American, it's 9.15." He's really worried. Is his disguise that thin? He meets a cop and asks directions. Having received the usual "Certainly Mr American, it's the third block on your left," he asks, "Excuse me, how do you know I'm from the US?" "That's easy," replies the policeman, "you're black."
Only in the CIA.
