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"My two-year-old brother tore up my composition.
"What can he read already?"
"Whatever I say goes."
"Please talk to yourself."
"So, your girlfriend is a toe dancer?"
"And how! She dances all over my toes."
Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
Every time I take a trip I forget something.
Last time I forgot my husband.
"What did you do before you married him?"
"Anything I wanted to."
"I'm trying."
"Yes, very."
Give us this day our daily bread.
With butter for a change.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Boss in government department: Why didn't you take the leave due to you this year?
Civil servant: I needed the rest
"I never know what to do with my hands when I'm talking."
"How about covering your mouth?"
"I've made the chicken soup."
"Good! I was worried it was for us."
"Darling I am so sorry, the cat ate your dinner."
"No matter, we'll get another cat tomorrow."
Democracy: Where it's your vote that counts.
Feudalism: Where it's your count that votes.
"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man."
"What is your son taking in college?"
"Oh, he's taking all I've got."
A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had", he says. "It cost $3,000." His friend asks, "What kind is it?" He says, "Half past four!"
Catholic: I hate England - it's cold and wet and full of Protestants.
Protestant: Why don't you go to hell - it's hot and dry and full of Catholics.
"How were the exam questions?"
"They were easy, but I had trouble with the answers."
Doctor: I haven't seen you for a long time, Mrs Fishpot.
Mrs Fishpot: I know doc, but I've been ill.
Customer: You mean that if I make my own bed I pay less? That's fine
with me.
Hotel Manager: Fine. You'll find a hammer, nails and planks in the
wardrobe.
Catholic priest: When are you going to have a ham sandwich Rabbi?
Jewish Rabbi: At your wedding Father.
"Waiter there's a fly in my soup!"
"I'm sorry sir, the dog must have missed it."
Man: What do I have to give you to be able to kiss you?
Woman: Chloroform.
Man: Whisper those three words that will make me walk on air.
Woman: Go hang yourself.
Woman: I can't go out with a perfect stranger like you!
Man: Who said I was perfect?
Man: Am I the first man you've ever slept with?
Woman: Of course! Why do all you men ask such silly questions?
Teacher: So little Boris cannot come to school today? Too bad! Who is
speaking?
Voice on phone: This is my father.
A: Why don't you answer the phone?
B: Because it's not ringing.
A: Must you leave everything till the last minute?
A: So have you sold anything since you took up writing full time?
B: Yes, my TV, radio, carpets, fridge, ...
Kid #1: Are you a virgin?
Kid #2: No, not yet.
"What did the adding machine say to the clerk?"
"You can count on me."
Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull terrier
"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned the
yuppie to his friend. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked his friend. "A mirage is
something you can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered> said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from spouse: "How do they know what size screen I have?"
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "NO, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Here's a little thought for the day:
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a workstation....
Patient to eye doctor: " I'm very worried
about the outcome of this
operation,doctor. What are the chances? "
Eye doctor to patient: " Don't worry you won't
be able to see the
difference.
Two IRA men were driving to a spot with a bomb in their car. ``Don't travel so rashly! You may set off the bomb!'' cautioned one. To which the other Paddy replied ``Don't worry, we have a spare bomb in the boot.'
A young man keeps looking at an older lady on a bus. She scolds him for it and he tries to explain that she reminds him of his mother. "That's impossible" she replies, "I'm a married woman."
A visitor to Espana was not impressed when he was told that bull-fighting was the most popular sport there. ``It's bloody revolting!'' he exclaimed. Unruffled, the Spaniard promptly replied ``Actually, revolting is our second most popular sport.''
A bunch of city dwellers go to the country, where a sign in a national park urges them to ``keep still and listen to the silence.'' After a while one turns to his wife and asks ``I can't hear anything, can you?''
Life Insurance Agent: Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.
Old King Cole was very fond of cabbage. He sent out a decree that from then on, whenever anyone ate cabbage, it must be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise and bits of carrots. This is known today as Cole's Law.
Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
A Scotsman won the lottery....yet had a very long face. When asked why, he replied, "Aye, it grieves me to think of the dollar I wasted on the second ticket."
A Scotsman complained to a magazine that if they didn't stop printing Scottish jokes, he wouldn't borrow their magazine to read anymore.
Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and
says,
"Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"
The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Good girl: It's hard to be good.
Bad girl: Yes. If it's not hard, it isn't any good.
Customer: Do you serve women at this bar?
Barman: No sir, you should bring your own.
Q: What happened when a starving Ethiopian was thrown into a shark-infested pool?
A: He ate four before they fished him out.
