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PART III
Click here for part I Click here for part II
Patient : "I keep hearing strange voices in my ear !"
Dr : "Where do you want to hear them?"
You're probably a psychology graduate student if you wonder
if APA style will allow you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication."
World's shortest book: "Career Opportunities for Psychology Majors."
I went to a psychologist for years to get my head on straight.
After all that time and money I found out it was only my tie that was on crooked.
Psychology is actually biology.
Biology is actually chemistry.
Chemistry is actually physics.
And physics is actually math.
"Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?"
After being introduced, the new member of the psychoanalysts' interest group was
asked if he would like to lie down and say a few words.
The Freudian Virus causes your PC to become obscessed with its own motherboard.
Definitions
A psychologist is a person who tells you what everybody knows in a language nobody can understand.
The superego is that part of the personality soluble in alcohol.
The superego is that small inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.
A neurotic is a person who has discovered the secret of perpetual emotion.
A hypochondriac is a person who wants to have his ache and treat it too.
A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
Consciousness is that annoying time between periods of sleep.
A sadist is a person who does kind things to a masochist.
Guilt feelings are the attempt to express the good intentions you never really had.
How many people work in the Psychology Department?
About twenty-five percent.
Dr : "I have some bad new for you sir it seems you have
cancer and Alzheimer's disease."
Patient : "Well, at list I don't have cancer..."
What is the difference between a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist?
About thirty dollars an hour.
A man comes to the shrink with a banana stuck in his left ear,
a cucumber in his right ear and 2 carrots up his nose.
he looks at the shrink and says : hey doc', what's wrong with me ?!?
Dr : well , frankly I don't think your eating well...
A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle
poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of
smoke and a genie smiling at him. "For your kindness," the genie said,
"I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied,
"I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California." The genie grimaced,
thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that!
Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd
have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement.
That's too much to ask."
"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable.
"I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients.
What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental,
why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want?
Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"
Joe has been seeing a psychologist, someone schooled in psychoanalysis,
for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed.
It had beenyears since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore,
his progress was very poor,and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the
psychoanalyst and decides to try somethingdifferent.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychologist meets his old client in the
supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested,
energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychologist says.
"you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "
and he curedme in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks.
"How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
A man is walking along the street when he is brutally beaten androbbed.
He lies unconscius bleeding. While he is lying there, a police officer passes by,
but crosses to the other side of the road, without trying to help.
A boy scout troop does the same. As does a number of pedestrians.
Finally, a Psychologist walks by, and runs up to the man. He bends down
and says, "My God! Whoever did this needs help."
Secretary to Psychologist: "Doctor, there is a patient here
who thinks he is invisible."
Psychologist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."
Patient: Doctor, I'm manic depressive
Psychiatrist: Calm down, cheer up, calm down, cheer up, calm down.........
One Psychologist to another after lovemaking:
"Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?"
Q. What did one psychologist say to the other psychologist after lunch?
A. Back to the minds.
Cyber Disorders
The Cyber Disorders section includes disorders that have a dependency upon
cyberexistance as the predominant feature. The section is divided into three
parts. The first part describes e-mail episodes that serve as the building
blocks for the disorder diagnoses. The second part describes the Cyber
Disorders themselves. The criteria sets for most of the Cyber Disorders
require the presence or absence of the e-mail episodes described in the
first part of the section. The third part includes the specifiers that
describe either the most recent e-mail episode, or the course of recurrent
episodes.
The Cyber Disorders are divided into Posting Disorders, Flaming Disorders
and CC Disorders. The Posting Disorders (i.e. Lurking Disorder, Chronic
Posting D isorder and Posting Disorder not Otherwise Specified) are
distinguished from the Flaming Disorders by the fact that there is no
history of ever having posted a Flame, or Flame-with-Apology. CC Disorders
(CC-All Disorder and Spam Disorder) may include episodes of Chronic Posting,
Flames, and/or Flame-With-Apologies but can be distinguished by the number
of addressees.
Lurking Disorder is characterized by one or more episodes of lurking (i.e.
at least two weeks of lurking or loss of interest in answering mail
accompanied by at least four additional symptoms of Lurking including high
on-line time balances, walking away from the computer while logged on,
composing posts and deleting them without sending them, etc.)
Chronic Posting Disorder is characterized by at least 4 weeks of posting to
a newsgroup or listserv more days than not, accompanied by additional Cyber
symptoms such as checking mail several times per day, posts in which the
content is shorter than the message header or sig, and messages of extreme
anxiety when list volume drops.
Posting Disorder not Otherwise Specified is included for coding disorders
with posting features that do not meet the criteria for Lurking Disorder or
Chronic Posting Disorder.
Flaming Disorder is characterized by one or more episodes of hot-tempered
posts, usually posted within seconds of receiving the 'trigger' message, but
can be distinguished from the Flame-With-Apology in that the sender has a
sincere belief that he/she is 100% correct and morally entitled to his/her
feelings of outrage. Flaming Disorder is often accompanied by Chronic
Posting Disorder.
Flame-With-Apology Disorder is a milder form of the Flaming Disorder, in
which the poster sincerely apologizes for the first portion of the message
and yet sends it anyway. A variation of Flame-With-Apology exists in which
posters staunchly defend their position for 3 to 4 days, then abruptly back
down and revert to Chronic Posting or Lurking.
The specifiers described in the third part of the section are provided to
increase diagnostic specificity, create more homogeneous subgroups, assist
in treatment selection, and improve the prediction of prognosis. Some of the
specifiers describe the current or most recent episode (i.e. Pine, Elm,
Anonymous, With Humorous Features, and With Uncomplicated
Internet Access).
MBTI Types Prayers
ISTJ: Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow
at 11:41.23 am e.s.t.
hypersensitive.
they're usually NOT my fault
help, just ask
right.
and dancing.
mind putting that in writing?
thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
Amen.
Antidotes to Your Shrink's Falling Asleep During the Therapy Session:
A Patient's Guide to Keeping the Therapist's Attention
therapy bill.
gloves to accept it.
One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.
I have two personalities :
One is paranoid delusional and the other one is out to get him.
Actual physician dictations from medical records :
he was feeling better."
depressed."
original complaints."
Patient to Rogerian therapist: I'm really depressed.
Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing myself.
T: You're thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]
T: Woosh. Splat.
I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life.
The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a
clear picture of my problems. Finally he asked,
"Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy,... she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex;
that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
Piaget's developmental stages:
Sensorimotor stage: can repair cars
Preoperational stage: can be a nurse, helping to prepare surgeons for their work
Concrete operations stage: can be a construction worker
Formal operations stage: may attend black-tie dinner parties
A person walked into a New York bookstore and asked the salesperson for a book that was made into a Lloyd-Weber musical, which is still running. "Do you have Less Miserable?" The salesperson replied, "Look in the psychology section."
Woman: What school of thought do you come from?
Psychologist: Well, I always say I'm Freudian, but I am really Jung at heart.
Q: Why did Cleopatra wish to see a psychoanalyst?
A: Because she was the Queen of Denial.
Ethical Principles
of Psychotherapy
[updated for the 90s]
It is unethical to:
•Inquire about whether you are in the will of a suicidal client.
•Use whoopee cushions on anxious clients.
•Do John Wayne impersonations during a homosexual panic.
•Double bill for obese clients.
•Use an ejector button at the end of 50 minutes.
•Contaminate elegant interpretations with reality.
•Measure lateness in milliseconds to compulsive clients.
•Refer to ECT as a kind of breakdancing.
•Diagnose a client as borderline just because they have more fun than you.
•Arm wrestle over the truth of an interpretation.
•Reply to disclosures of wrong-doing with, "You slimeball."
•Say to a guilt-prone person, "You never call, you never write - Oy."
•Use thumbscrews on resistant clients.
•Sneak up on paranoid clients and yell, "Booga-booga."
What I Learned In Clinical Psychology Grad School
by Storm A. King
October, 1996
1) Do not do long term psychotherapy on someone for psychosomatic headaches only to have them die on you from a brain tumor.
2) It is not OK to have sex with your clients, even when it is in their best interest.
3) Don't spend hours developing a great treatment plan for someone based on their MMPI results, and then find out they can't read.
4) Caffeine-Induced Disorders are in the DSM-1V, but do not qualify as an excuse for a failed exam.
5) There is a statistically significant difference (p<.05) between apples and oranges.
6) The cost of the books for any one class is directly related to the ego of that class's instructor, and inversely related to the amount of knowledge you learn in it.
7) If your first client has been in therapy longer than you've been in grad school, don't try anything tricky.
8) The difference between psychoanalytic therapists and cognitive/behavioral therapists is a matter of unconscious beliefs, if you are the former, and a matter of cognitive distortions, if you are the later.
9) Depending on your cultural background, a Ph. D. in clinical psychology stands for a) Piled High and Deep b) Pretty Heavy, Dude c) Psychic Healing Dispenser d) Psychologically Heavily Disabled
10) A dissertation is not what you do for a career, it just feels that way.
Rejected MMPI-2 Items
The project to renorm the original MMPI was vast, with hundreds of items tried and discarded before the final version was cast. However, it is not widely known how many of the discarded items were worded. Below is a sample of some of the discarded items.
• I am easily awakened by the firing of cannons.
• Sometimes I feel that things are real.
• I am troubled by attacks of optimism.
• When I grow up I want to be a child.
• I frequently notice that I am not trembling.
• It takes a lot of argument to convince most people that they are lying.
• Most of the time I don't like to read newspaper articles about nuclear accidents nearby.
• I believe that my home life is as miserable as that of most people I know.
• My sex life is satisfactory, except when I am with another person.
The ultimate 25 things to do for the Manic Depressive
Written by Brian Donahue
Manic Depression fun page
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.
Bonus : Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
Click here for part I Click here for part II
