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Life with bipolar disorder - An on line diary

Part II

Now Playing "Hand Of  Fools" by The Cross

23.7.98

I had a talk with one of my college Prof'   today. It had mostly to do with my decision

to stop taking the med's and he pointed out something to me. he pointed at the fact

that my life would a lot easier if I learned to conquer my aversion from medical treatment.

but as in most things, doing it is not easy. 

my aversion comes from many deferent sources. some of them have to do with physical i

nconvenience  but mostly it's a psychological barrier.

So, I'm gonna entitle this new paragraph  :

WHY I HATE TAKING MED'S

1. I  hate med's because my body doesn't seem to like med's all that much.

       I've been having some bad side affects from any med I took

       (and I took quite a few of them)

2. I  hate med's because taking med's also reacquires making changes in your life

       style - like getting up at 08:00 every day in order to take the med, keep a certain

       diet, refrain from drinking or eating things you like, and even the regular blood

       works are not a really "fun" experience.

now.. these are just small inconveniences you have to suffer, and when you are depressed

or too high it's obvious to you why you have to live with it, but, things seem a lot

less obvious when you feel fine.

3.  I  hate med's because every pill I take is a reminder of the fact that I'm mentally ill,

        and being reminded of that 3 or 4 times a day, even though you feel normal ,

        is a heavy lode to carry.

4. I  hate med's because I feel they interfere with something too fundamental. they

       change the way I think, feel and act. I can't say I love my self too much but it's

       still who I am and that's the only way I want to be.  my moods are a part of me,

       a big one. They are a pert of what makes me who I am.

5.  I  hate med's because I truly believe that a person should be able to deal with his

        prob's on his own. I can't and never will get used to the idea of depending on

        something other then myself to help deal with my own life. it hands a pretty big

        blow to my self esteem - what kind of a person am I ?

6.  I  hate med's because they put great limitation on my freedom - there are things

        you just can't do wile you're on meds. On med's I just feel trapped and my

        freedom is very important to me.

7.  I  hate med's because it prevents me from trusting myself. I never really know

        who I am when I'm on meds. am I Trillian ? or am I Trillian+meds ?  and Trillian+meds

        is probably very deferent from just Trillian. How can I trust my feelings, emotions,

        if I know they're all affected by some outside chemicals ?  I dono myself anymore

        and is scares the hell out of me.

8. I hate med's because my hipomanic faze is something I look forward and I think it's

       worth the price of the DP that follows it "I'm addicted to my highs".

9. I  hate med's because because they cause a pretty big damage to your body in

       the long term. As one very helpful pan pal told me - "you won't live as long...

        but at least you wont go berserk !"

       I AM GOING TO LIVE THAT LONG !

10 . I  hate med's because somewhere deep down I hope everyone is wrong and I

          don't actually need them... :(

so, in conclusion... I rather try and do without it. life is more than just being, living for

me is the ability to know my self and to trust myself to make my own decision and have

the courage and freedom to follow them. And you know what - I just might succeed !

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily.

To not dare is to lose oneself  - Soren Kierkegaard".

and even if I won't , as Gandi once said :

"Freedom is not  worth having if it does not connote freedom to err"

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every

experience in  which  you really stop to look fear in the face.

You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt ~

9.9.98

Ok, guess it's time for an update. first of all I'm still not taking any med's and

furthermore I no longer have a pdoc. I droped him about a week ago.

I decided that I no longer want to be under psych' supervision

(GOD I feel so good about that). And for all of you spoil sporters - I still see my

therapist so if something goes wrong he'll howl me back to the shrink b4 I'll have time to blink,

but why talk about that now...  I'm doing fine - I'm totally stabile

(as much as I can be anyway...which is not to say much mind you...)

I have a job and life is generally good to me (can't believe I just said that)

I did come up with a teory to explain it (being the pasasimistic sort of girl I am) :

You can't fall from the floor. That is, once you reached rock buttom you can't

really go down - so... in order for you to fall again you must have a good period. 

so I'm having 1 right now just for the sake of falling again.

but, as you can see, so far my self proclaimed war against brain chemistry is going well.

so I won't dwell on maybe's right now.

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our
doubts of today.
~ Franklin D. Roosevelt ~

25.10.98

Here's yet another update. I'm doing well (much to the dismay of my psychs I think...)

The job is ok. I get to work with ppl again, I forgot how much I loved doing it. after all 

the failures in the army,  I really though I couldn't stand up in front off ppl and

instruct again. I was sure I was going to mass it up. Even at college, when ever I

had to stand up and give a lecture or even answer a Q' , I would go nuts with fear.

I avoided it as much as possible. I couldn't understand how I had done it b4.

I need this job - not for the money (which I also need of course) but to remind me

of what I can do, of what I liked doing. I started learning psych' to learn more about

my self but also to work with ppl - I guess I lost touch with that somewhere along

the way, turned to computers and books to avoid any real contact with ppl -

I was afraid. my decision to stop practicing and instructing karate was also a part

of it - like... who am I to instruct, just this fucked up person, there's nothing I can

teach any1. They're better off learning from some1 ales. The good news is that I'm

back in karate - after 4 years. seems not so long ago. I found out that I'm not 

as "out of it" as I though I would be. I still remember much and I'm not that out of shape.

the first lesson I was really nerves, I asked to practice with the white belt's

(beginners), didn't think I was ready to go back to my old class. my Sense (instructor)

though deferentially but accepted my wish. It was fan ! I even got to do some instructing. 

The second lesson I still wanted to work with the beginners but my Sense wouldn't here

about it. I was back in the big lieges :) It was hard but it felt good. Now I have 1 more

reason to stay of lithium- it doesn't go well with karate.

I REALLY missed Karate. it was a stabilizing element in my life, gave me a way to unleash

all the energy I had in me, a place to to work off my frustration and a place to find peace.

I don't think it's a coincidence I started going over the edge after I left it. I need it.

I'm not sure I'm right for it. but that just the way things are.

We have always held to the hope, the belief,

the conviction that there is a better life,

a better world, beyond the horizon.

~ Franklin D. Roosevelt ~

2.10.98

Two days ago I went to see my therapist, I've finally told him about this page, but when

he asked me what I was writing here I just couldn't tell him. He asked me a question,

something that I've been asking myself for a wile now : How come I can write such

personal stuff on the web for every1 to see,  but I can't talk about them with any1 who

is close to me or even my with my therapist. well, for some reason - this is actually

easier, I mean, as I said in the first part of this page. you, the ppl who are reading

this are anonymous to me - you are far away- god knows where. There's no dialog in

the true sense of the word, your not siting next to me. This takes away the edge of

things, I don't feel the need to defend myself in front of you - I just say what ever

is on my mind- if you don't like it yes, you can E-mail me and tell me that - but your

not here- your a safe distance away - you can't hurt me from where you are.

I've grown so used to defend myself from ppl, to hide what I really feel I do it with

out even thinking -   it's a habit by now.

I have devised and mastered 3 major ways of doing that- ways that are close to

useless when I'm on line.  The first one is that I just revert to a behavior of

a 4 year old, that is, when I'm facing a though situation I start acting like a kid,

at least to the outside observer. The other way is Humor - I don't let myself 

be caught in a serious situation, when ever things start to get too serious

for my taste (like talking about my probs and feelings) I start making stupid jokes

and comments. So as you see - it's really though to have a serious conversation

with a 4 year old how can't seem to be able to take anything seriously.

The problem with this is that as I said - it's a habit by now and I can't shake it off.

I offended a whole line of therapists and shrinks who wanted to help me but found out

they can't, I just didn't/couldn't let them do it. I couldn't sit and talk. It's more than

that - it wasn't just with the psyches, I do it with almost every1. I got my self a

reputation of  been something of a "Pitter Pen" who refuses to grow up.

I get to here the "when will you grow up" lecture at least once a week and most ppl

tend to treat me as I am a 4 year old who has no clue as to what goes around.

So as you see every defense mechanism has his down sides....

The 3ed way is what I call "hiding in the spot light" - it might seem like a contradiction

in terms but it really works. If you act normal all the time and suddenly you

change (high or DP) ppl notice it right away, but let's say you are an unpredictable

person and eccentric - ppl get used to that in a very short time and no matter

what you do ppl will excuse it with "don't worry he's always like that" for him

it's normal no need to get exited.

Till I was dex'ed my mom didn't notice something was wrong - and you'd think that

a depression and better yet, a manic episode is something quit obvious

- she didn't - why ? cause I'm always like that I tend to act "wired" even when I

feel normal. my mom is used to it - she thinks it's normal for me to be that way.

And you know what - it is...

If you find a good solution and become attached to it, the
solution may become your next problem.
~ Dr. Robert Anthony ~

20.11.98

Well, it's time for yet another update. Things are still going ok, my job has ended and

I'm on the  lookout for something new. I feel restless I again. been siting on my arse

too long. The school year hasn't started yet. The student's (us) are on strike.

been going on for a month now.  Hopefully this is nearing the end.

I actually want to go back to college. I didn't involve myself in the this fight, I dono why.

now I feel  is was a mistake. my fellow student are out there fighting for there beliefs

and I'm here playing with my comp. I guess I'm tired of wars, been fighting my own

one for 2 long and I have no strength left.

I wasn't always like that - I used to care about things like that, be involved

- not anymore :( nothing much to say about my life right now. I cut down on

my therapist sessions, I see him once in  2 weeks and not every week.

I don't need psychological treatment, just supervision. a safety net incase

I fall again. I can't say I made the most of it. I was,and still am reluctant to

trust him. I really wish I had some1 I could REALLY trust. to be able to

talk to someone  without worrying about the repercussions of doing so.

to know that no matter how bad things are everything I say would be kept

between us. like a priest.  I'm Jewish not catholic, so we don't have

confessions.  I heard once that psychotherapy is like a confession,

just without the forgiveness part....

well, yes, and without the total confidentiality. If something will go wrong my

therapist first phone call would be to the shrink the second to my parents.

I can't and don't expect him to keep it between us.

that's why I will NEVER trust my therapist (or any other therapist for that matter).

Shame ha? For now it doesn't meter, I'm still stabile and it's been 5 months since

I stopped taking lithium  - 24.6.98,  It's not to say I'm not scared - I even think about

going back once in a wile. The idea of living my life looking over my shoulder all

the time, expecting the earth to fall under my feet and the sky to come tumbling

on my head is not easy. but than I remember the times when I was on lithium and

remember the reason I stopped and the reason for me to go on like this.

and I go on..... and will continue going..... there's is no other way for me. NOT for me.

"Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty"
~ Thomas Jefferson ~

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