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Life with bipolar disorder - An on line diary

Part 3

Now Playing Manic Monday By The Bangles

22.11.98

wow, I'm being "chatty" this week. Actually I just want to vent a little bit. Still trying to

get a job. not doing very well with it.... the biggest problem is the lack of a car licensee.

Now, why would a 22+ person doesn't have a car licensee ? well, I started studying

once but a Depression kinde got in the way I couldn't drive with all the meds I was

taking and I guess I gave up. I also though myself unfit to drive cause I wasn't

responsible enough, put me behind a will and I'll probably kill some1.

I think now that I was "just a bit" too hard on my self. But after I was Dexed as 

BP I figured I'll go nuts in about...hammm a week ?  so driving wasn't really on my mind.

And here I am - still sane (as sane as I can be - and "I" is the operative word here)

and I'm stuck : no license-no job.  Ain't life just grand ?!?

Been to the psychiatric clinic today, to find out if I can have a license.

They weren't clear. Told me to lie on the application or in there words

"we won't tell if you don't". Nice ha ? I Know going to the clinic in the first place

when I was depressed was the right thing to do, but... As time goes by I wish I hadn't

I wish I didn't have to worry about my psych medical files dragging behind me.

Ain't much I can do  about it now... nothing at all actually.... but I still wish !

Our life is what our thoughts make of it.
~ Marcus Aurelius ~

13,12,98

Hallo all, I felt the need to write again.... can't say things are going well :( been very

Hyped up lately. This is a good time to try and "document" the process I'm going true.

Let's start with the beginning : At first I began to feel a bit restless, like I'm

spending too much time near the comp and TV, felt like I need an outlet... to go

out and do something ! Than I started Karate again. It felt good to finally work

out. I was totally out of shape but soon after, and I mean soon, it became easy,

too easy, so naturally I started practicing more. and more and more, finally came

up to 4 practices a week - 3 out of which are double practices.

That is 11 hourse total a week - from 1.5 to 11 in 3 weeks !

All trough that time my sleep patterns became jumbled up. At first I couldn't fall

asleep at night and than woke up really late (12-13 noon).

The next phase was to sleep late and wake up really early and than fall asleep again.

Now I wake up early and stay awake. and I don't feel tiered at all.

I feel really good most of the time and I'm doing all the staff I like to do but

more intensely. I even managed to stop smoking. My psychologist is REALLY

worried ! and I think he might have a good reason - I get more hyped up and

restless every day. My concentration is not totally there and I feel a constant

need to do something, anything .I'm trying to be objective  here (as hard as it may be)

and I don't like that conclusions I'm getting to.

This is probably a hipomanic phase :((((( I feel good, maybe too good,

and I don't mind it but..... if this will go any further I'll be in trouble.

I DON'T  WANT  TO,  I WON'T GO BACK ON MED'S !!!!! :(((((((((((((((((((

I can still think striate for now so no1 is insisting on it. what next ?!?!

And now,  for something completely deferent....

College started again, and I'm really upset ! I have 1 subject I'm really good at.

The best in my class. I took 5 courses in same subject with the same professor.

I know it in my sleep.This year the professor took 2 ppl from my year to drill

freshmens - not me. I have the highest scores and XP in teaching

and instructing. But.... he knows I'm BP :(   I dono what to do or to think now.

I'd kill to work with  him I really look up to him and I REALLY  LOVE the subject

(applied behavior analysis - if you must know...)

Sometimes I really think life sucks. (actually they always do but sometimes they

suck even more !) I actually cried because of that shit. and than came the

inevitable question :

WHY ME ? WHY THE FUCK ME ?

And there is no answer I can't even blame anything or any 1.

Hope deceives more men than cunning can.
~ Marquis Vauvenargues ~

2.1.99,

Heya all'a'yous and happy new year ! my year is starting AMAZINGLY good !!!

hrmf.... can't believe I  just said that. But I really truly and whole heartedly feel good :)

so... let's fill u in on what's new in my life. I have a job, school is going just fine,

I still do karate 4 times a week and now I'm in the process of becoming an

instructor once more (started doing some instructing 3 days a go and hopefully

I'll start doing it on a regular bases). My therapist and the ppl around me are

all saying I'm hipomanic now. I know that they are right.

but.... I feel so good and...well... I kind'e like it that way... and.....

I don't really think its causing me any harm so...

I'm living a healthier life. lot's of sports, I quit smoking. I study and my bosses

at my new job are really happy with me. Yes, I do lead a "crazy" life with an even

"crazyer" pace, but so far so good. I study 2 times a week

(full days) work the rest of the 5 and practice about 12 hours of karate per week.

I run from work to practice to school and so on. My days are long and my night are

short and I have no idea how I'm still standing on my lags but I am. and it's fun !!!!

it's a hell of a lot better than my normal times for sure.

guess that's all I wanted to say.

Talk to y'all later :)

Trillush :)

It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that
makes happiness.
~ Charles H. Spurgeon ~

19.2.99

Long time since I wrote. sorry... been a bit crazy for me :)

Things are normal again. The Eagle has landed :) I'm a bit sorry but somewhat relived,

I was afraid I might go over board. It was an easy lending this time. no crashing !!!

I was trying to figure out what made the deference.

Why it lasted only a couple of months and why I didn't crash and came up with

1 answer - Karate That's the only thing that changes in my life.

I think this is what kept me from loosing it this time. for this I am grateful.

Now I know - I can't stop the highs and probably lows without meds and it's not

going to go away. but I can and will control them to some degree with lot's of

physical exercise.  I also got another confirmation to the fact them I'm not fitted for

psychotherapy. the first thing I did when I realized something is wrong was cut

my sessions and go 1 's a month. I also made sure that there would be nothing my

therapist could do about it (or anything else). This is bloody ridicules !!!

I been seeing him for a wile now and for what ? to run away as soon as there are

troubles ahead. I don't think we ever had a meaningful conversation, I'm very

good at talking about what I do  somewhat less as to what I think and never

as to what I feel. Patient from hell ;) cynic, sarcastic and plain hostile.

any way -I've gone normal again. I still do karate, I'm officially on the instructors

theme now.  not bad for some1 who is practicing 4 months after over 3 years

of absence. It's hard, but I enjoy it.  I also gave my seminaryon - 2 hours of lecture

and guess what - it was FUN !!!! yup, me who was too afraid to even lift my finger

and give an answer in class, who got sick (literally) every time I need to talk in

front off ppl only a year ago, can now stand and talk for 2 hours and enjoy

every moment.

I can now say I came full circle, I got my self back. the person I was b4 the army,

before the crashes before the self hatred, the constant feeling of worthlessness,

the fear, the loss of all self confidence... before...

Took me 2 years and 6 months. but I'm there and Dani, if you'll ever read this -

I WIN YOU S.O.B - I WIN.

Natural forces within us are the true healers of disease.
~ Hippocrates ~

5.3.99

It seems I hardly have time to write anymore. been going on this roller coaster for

a wile now with one major deference, I'm not high anymore and  keeping that frantic

pace isn't as easy as b4. I'm not really sure why I keep running the way I do now.

My therapist says I might be doing it for the fear of crashing the minute I stop.

He might be right, lately I've been feeling like this bird who flow as high as it can

get and have to keep flapping it's wings cause the minuet it stops it will come

tumbling  down. it's kind'e funny actually - I don't crash simply because I don't

have the time for it... and there's Karate as well.  I can't believe what deference

it made in my life is such a short time.  I was trying to figure out why. and besides

the obvious "working out, getting back in shape" thing there are other things  as well.

instructing means :

1. responsibility. it's been a very long time since I was actually treated as

       responsible adult. as I once wrote here I tend to come out as a very childish

       and messed up individual. not the type you'd trust with anything important.

       and yet in my dojo I am an adult again. strange. feels good.  though I totally forgot

       what that's like.

2. ppl are actually looking up to me. Hell... now 1 has done that for a long time.

       actually that was the  reason I stop instructing last time. I hate. no, despised

       myself so much I decided that I wasn't good  enough to be some1 to look up to,

       I'd just end up fucking up ppl.

3. teaching. - I love it ! the feeling at the end of the day when my group of  kids that

       I worked with actually know what ever it is I was asked to instruct.

       I do get things done.

Even though I have only been back for 5 months it is such an important part of my life

that giving it up now seems impossible. and yet I know that if I would be unable to

control my moods and forced to get  back on  meds it would all be gone.

I can't do karate and lithium. and that though is scary.

Other new things that are happening is that I'm finally studying for a drivers license.

not on car though a motor bike. I can't continue like this and a car is out of the

question for now. I know that the worst thing that can happen if I drive a motor bike

is that I'll get killed. On a car I'd probably take a few other ppl with me as well.

that's it for now. take care

Trill

The way to defeat fear: decide on a course of conduct and
follow it. Keep so busy and work so hard that you forget
about being afraid.
~ Dale Carnegie ~

14.3.99

ok... Things aren't all that well. been good for too long I guess. I'm tiered, really tiered.

my sleep is totally F*cked up. I can fall a sleep but than I wake up again during the

night, takes me hours to get back to sleep only to wake up again. I can't hold on like

that for long I'm sleepy angry and getting weaker every day. I couldn't even make it to

the end of my Karate practice. been having the ideation's again, been a wile since last

time. it's not dangerous or anything, just annoying, I'm not sure what to do about it.

I can ether let my therapist know and that would probably result in me going back to

see a shrink and probably meds as well (NOT INTERESTED!!!)

I can wait it out and see what happens - maybe it would get better (not a very bright

idea - got me into a lot of trouble last time I tried the "do nothing it will go away

approach) option 3- try to do something about myself- now when I still can.

I Need to do something drastic and do it fast or I will snap. and one thing for sure.

I won't go true that hell again, I can't ! I just can't.

I think I had inough for one life time (or 10)  and I"m 23 - got planty more years

to suffer.  cheerful though ain't it ?

Trillian

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven
of Hell, a hell of Heaven.
~ John Milton ~

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