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Since 1.1.99
Last updated 18.2.00
"I've found out why
people laugh. They laugh because
it hurts so much . . .
because it's the only
thing that'll make it stop hurting."
~ Robert A. Heinlein ~
STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND
Stress Management
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain
air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called
the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the
air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose
head
you're holding under the water.
There now, feeling better?
How many personality disorders does it
take to change a lightbulb?
How many
Narcissistic P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. To
hold the lightbulb but he has to wait for the whole world to
revolve
around him.
How many Borderline P.D. does to take to change a
lightbulb?
Just one. To
threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her.
How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does to take to
change a lightbulb?
Just one. But he has
to check it 100 times, one for each watt.
How many Passive Aggressive P.D. does to take to
change a lightbulb?
Oops.I can't
believe I broke the last one. I guess you'll have to sit in
the dark.
How many Dependent P.D. does to take to change a
lightbulb?
None,
he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.
How many Histrionic P.D. does to take to change a
lightbulb?
"You want
me to change the lightbulb? I could burn my hand! I could be
electrocuted! I
could fall off the ladder and be paralyzed for life!
You don't love
me anymore!"
How many Manic Depressivs does it take to screw a
light bulb ?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to keep
the first one from sticking
his finger in the live socket.
How many Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) patients
does
it take to change a lightbulb ?
They can't: Once the lightbulb goes out, all they
can do is sit there and cry.
How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Hey! are you following me?!!?
How many Freudians psychologists does it take to
change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the
penis... I mean ladder!
How many psychology professors does it take
to change a light bulb?
One with two graduate students, but they get
three papers out of it.
How many psychiatrists does it take to
change a light bulb?
One, but he
must consult the DSM-IV.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one,
but the light has to really want to change.
Just One.
And his mother.
Just one,
but it takes nine visits.
None. The
light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
Why
should the light bulb necessarily HAVE to change?
Why can't it be happy the
way it is?
"How
many do you think it takes?"
"How
long have you been having this phantasy?"
The psychology instructor had just finished
a lecture on
mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How
would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth
screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a
chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball
coach?"
Two psychologists meet at their twentieth
college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist
looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the other, "What's your
secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end,
has made an old man of me." The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a
psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my
mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say
"Thank you for sharing that with us."
How do you tell the difference between the staff and
the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.
The staff have the keys!
"I'm only paranoid because everyone is out to
get me."
A Freudian Mother-In-Law joke:
"My mother-in-law is so ugly, I wanted to kill
my father and sleep with my sister."
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each
other!
Q. Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock
treatment?
A. To prepare them for the bill
What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend
the night together?
In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars,
please."
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to
kill herself, is it
considered a hostagesituation?
Have you heard about the psychiatrist who claims
that 2 out of every 1
of his patients has a split personality?
Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy,
I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of
water.
Psychiatrist to his nurse:
"Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying
'It's a madhouse.'"
A Stanford research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients
who had been diagnosed with this disorder.The response was gratifying; they got 3,000
responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments,
a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try therapy.
They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last
straw.
When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped
right in and opened the floor fordiscussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other
hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their
marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the
therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for
several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what
had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least
twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her
here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly
conversation when one of themen asked theother,
"Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last
month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They
taught us all the latest psychological techiniques -visualization, association - it made a
huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the
clinic?"
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't
remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that
flower with thelong stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the
name of that clinic?"
"Doctor, Doctor" Jokes
Doctor,
doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well,
just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.
Doctor,
doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait
a minute please.
Doctor,
doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who
said that?!
Doctor,
doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress,
I keep losing my temper with
people.
Tell
me about your problem.
I
JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!
Doctor,
doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and stop
stiring !
Doctor,
Doctor, I get the feeling that people don’t give a hoot
about anything I say.
So ?
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
dustbin.
Don't talk such rubbish
Doctor,
doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor,
Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a VCR.
Doctor,
doctor, nobody understands me.
What
do you mean by that?
Doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a pool ball.
Get to the end of the queue(cue).
Doctor,
doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!
Doctor,
doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't
let people push you around.
Doctor,
doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie
down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I
can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.
Doctor,
doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell
me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?
Doctor,
doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And
how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?
Doctor,
doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the
next minute, I'm blank!
And
how long have you had this complaint?
What
complaint?
Doctor,
doctor, I think I'm a bridge.
What's
come over you?
Oh, two
cars, a large truck and a coach.
Doctor,
doctor, I think I'm a cat
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I
was a kitten!
"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported.
"After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured
of your kleptomania. You'll never be rapped by the desire to steal again."
"Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied.
"And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way
home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift
whatsoever."
"Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?"
"Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have
a relapse, I could use a new microwave."
Two analysts pass each other in the hall. One says,
"Hello." The other
thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that?"
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful
woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he
finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and
completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his
table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes.
Shen smiles at him and msays, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how
people respond to
embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200?!"
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute
of it.
A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen
lodge,
where all the psychologists were permited to ski for
free.
Her husband asked her, "How it went?".
She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many
Freudians slips.
Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says to
the other, "You know,
I thought I'd been completely analyzed, but
yesterday I experienced the most
remarkable Freudian Slip." The friend
nods and waits to hear more....
The first psychiatrist continues, "I was having
dinner with my mother,
and I meant to say, "Please pass the butter,
but instead I said, You miserable bitch, you've
ruined my life!"
Two men are in a hot-air balloon. They drift into a
dense cloud bank and
are stuck there for hours. Finally as they
emerge they look around at the
ground below in hopes of figuring out their
location.
They see a man in a garden and shout down to him.
"Hello down there! Can you tell us where we
are?"
"The man below replies, "You're in a
hot-air balloon."
The first man looks at his partner and comments,
"Just our luck, a psychologist."
he partner asks, "Why do you say he's a
psychologist?"
the first man answers, "Well, what he said was
obviously true,
but it didn't help at all."
Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the
couch, the
physiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem." the
doctor said.
"So perhaps, you should start at the very
beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient.
"In the beginning, I created the Heavens and
the Earth..."
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have MPD
And so do I
The psychiatrist tells his patient: "Well I
have good new and bad news..."
The patient says "Lay it on me Doc. What's the
bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Good heavens! What's the good news?"
"You can go home and forget about it!"
As the shrink completed an "intake" of the
patient, he said,
"I can't find a cause for your complaint.
Frankly, I think it's
due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient,
"I'll come back when you're sober"
A woman who was depressed went on a vacation and
sent a
postcard to her psychiatrist:
"Having a great time -- Why?"
Three professionals were sitting outside the gates
of heaven waiting
for judgement. They began to argue about which of
their trades
represented the oldest profession.
The Doctor said, "Well, the Bible says that God
took a rib out of Adam
to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery,
then the oldest
profession is surely medicine."
The Engineer shook his head and replied, "I
don't think so. The Bible
also says that God created the world out of void and
chaos. To do that,
God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore,
Engineering is the
oldest profession."
The the Psychologist grinned in triumph.
"Ah," he said,"but who
do you think created the Chaos?"
Did you hear about the psych who took a personality
test
and was so relieved to find that he had none?
Q - Why are shrinks never committed to an asylum?
A - How do you tell when they go crazy?
A clinical psych on his way home from a tryst was
accosted by a
thug who said, "Your money or your life."
Putting on his most
arrogant air, the psych responded, "If you
can't make such simple
decisions, you need professional help."
At trial, the psych expert for the prosecution
testified
that defendant was not insane at the time he
committed the
criminal acts and, therefore, was responsible for
them.
Defendant's counsel followed with another psych
expert who
stated that defendant had been insane at the time.
This
situation occurs daily throughout our great court
system and
only goes to show that at least fifty percent of
shrinks are
either lying or don't know what they're talking
about.
CAT TEST
To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately,
Algozzine, Foster, & Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet novel
test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and aides. It involves three simple
steps: 1) place testee in empty room facing far wall; 2) place cat in center of room,
close and latch door; 3) after 10 minutes, open the door. Algozzineet al., note that the
CAT TEST allows fine discriminations between subclassifications of emotional disturbance .
They offer the following guidelines for interpretation of results:
1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE--- four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be
found in the corners of room - cat alive, but cold.
2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT--- fur scattered randomly about room and
on testee - cat alive, still cold.
3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE)--- pieces of cat scattered
randomly about room - cat terminated.
3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE)--- pieces of testee
scattered randomly about the room - emotionally stability of cat suspect.
4. SEVERE PATHOLOGY--- only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped
loosely about testee's head - cat assumed terminated.
5. PARANIOD REACTION--- testee cowering in far corner of room - cat
alive and sleeping in center of room.
6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION--- testee in center of room carrying on
long existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.
7. NEUROTIC REACTION--- testee asking for advise about migraine
headache - cat alive and still confused.
8. CATATONIC REACTION--- testee in corner of room with back arched,
hair on end, hissing, and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive and
confused.
Katie Nunno
A deeply religious lady was extremely depressed by
her frequent
sexual episodes. Neither daily prayer nor visits to
her minister
resolved her nymphomania, so she went to a shrink.
After hearing
the woman out, the psych told her that if she
committed to twice
weekly visits for treatment, he could help her
overcome her
compulsive and excessive religiosity.
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE
PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I
Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck
the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office
and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees
and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY
DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE
DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock............(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas
My True Love Gave to Me (and then
took it all away).
BORDERLINE
PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an
Open Fire.
~THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF MANIC-DEPRESSION~
1.Thou shalt not blame everything on chemical
imbalance.
2.Thou shalt avoid high places and sharp objects
when on either
extreme of the mood spectrum.
3.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's shiny
trinkets.
4.Thou shalt not trust any shrink who writes thee up
a prescription
after the first 15 minutes.
5.Thou shalt not beat up anyone while on a manic
fit, no matter how
much ye really want to, or how much they deserve it.
6.Thou shalt indulge in immaturity whenever the urge
strikes thee.
7.Thou shalt not break stuff that does not belong to
thee.
8.Thou shalt go to bed only when ye feel tired.
9.Thou shalt allow others to occasionally get a word
in edgewise.
10.Thou shalt not send people crazy e-mails at odd
hours of the night,
and if thou does, then thou shalt take full
responsibility for
thine actions.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean
your mother.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE
SIGN MY GUEST BOOK BEFORE YOU LEAVE
(I'm really begging here... ok...)
