Jokes

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" height=90 BGCOLOR="#99CCFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="09476bc1egdyqn.gif"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FFFFCC" FACE="Arial" ><B>José Flor Web Site</B></FONT><B>   |   </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="José Flor Web Site"><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="about_me.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="About me"><U>About me</U></A>   |   <A HREF="my_contact.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="My contact"><U>My contact</U></A>   |   <A HREF="whats_new.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Whats new"><U>What's new</U></A>   |   <B>Jokes</B>   |   <A HREF="favorite_links.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Favorite links"><U>Favorite links</U></A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" height=390 BGCOLOR="#99CCFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="09476ba3.gif"> <div> Jokes</div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="mailto:joseflorparapente@hotmail.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:joseflorparapente@hotmail.com"><U>Envie</U></A> sua anedota/piada ou qualquer material de humor para ser publicado, juntamente com seu nome e idade. Obrigado...</div> <bR> <div> 1     <A HREF="#george_w_bush_clinton_and_saddam" TITLE="Jokes"><U>George W Bush, Clinton and Saddam Hussein</U></A></div> <div> 2     <A HREF="#irishman_aussie_and_south_african" TITLE="Jokes"><U>Irishman, Aussie and South African</U></A></div> <div> 3     <A HREF="#backing_up" TITLE="Jokes"><U>Backing up!</U></A></div> <div> 4     <A HREF="#woman_change" TITLE="Jokes"><U>Woman change</U></A></div> <div> 5     <A HREF="#flat_tire" TITLE="Jokes"><U>Flat tire</U></A></div> <div> <B>6     Soda</B></div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B> <A NAME="george_w_bush_clinton_and_saddam"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>George W Bush, Clinton and Saddam Hussein</B></div> <div> President George W Bush, X-President Clinton and Saddam Hussein were walking along a beach one day when they came across an old lamp washed up on the shore. George picked it up and rubbed it. Sure enough, out pops a Genie. The Genie said, "I will grant you three wishes. Since there are three of  you, each of you will get one wish." Clinton thought for a moment and then responded, "I wish the all the people of America would forget about Monica and about the money for the pardons. The Genie granted the his wish. Poof! All Americans no longer remembered a thing about Clinton´s problems. President George W Bush said, "I wish for a big wall all around America and that all Americans would think I am smart." Poof! The Genie granted Bush his wish and a huge wall was erected around the USA and all Americans now thought President Bush was very smart. Saddam Hussein thought for some time before responding. Finally, he asked, "Tell me, Genie, how big is this wall around the USA?" "The wall is 150 feet high and 50 feet thick," replied the Genie. "And, nothing can get in or out of the wall."</div> <div> "Okay, then," replied Saddam, "fill it up with water!"</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B> <A NAME="irishman_aussie_and_south_african"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>Irishman, Aussie and South African</B></div> <div> An Irishman an Aussie and South African in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says, "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from same one twice". The Aussie, obviously impressed by this drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says, "Well mate, in 'straaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Irishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says "In Dublin we have so many South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B> <A NAME="backing_up"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>Backing up!</B></div> <div> Little Johnny and his dad went to the grocery store and were in line at the checkout counter when Johnny says to his dad, "Look at that lady in front of us, daddy, she's fat!" His dad notices the lady but politely tells Johnny, "That's not a nice thing to say." Little Johnny continued to stare and point and then said, "No daddy, she's REALLY fat!" His dad says, "Please son, we're almost done here, behave and stop saying those things." Just then the lady's pager went off 'BEEP, BEEP, BEEP...' Little Johnny yells, "Watch out dad, she's backing up!"</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B> <A NAME="woman_change"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><B>Woman change</B></div> <div> Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's mo use in two people remembering the same thing. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while. Then one has the idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried.</div> <div> ''HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!''</div> <bR> <bR> <div> A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."</div> <div> The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."</div> <div> "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."</div> <div> The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"</div> <div> On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"</div> <div> The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div>  <A NAME="flat_tire"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#6633CC" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>Flat tire</B></FONT></div> <div> Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that a day before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they got drunk, overslept and missed the the final exam.</div> <div> Rather than fail the course, they found their professor and explained why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee to study and had planned to come back in time. but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up a new final on the following day. The two guys were very relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.</div> <div> They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Joke:</div> <div> A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. "Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars on this piece of paper. But I'm not." Have a nice day!</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Joke:</div> <div> Jill's husband was called into his bank to discuss his accounts.</div> <div> "Your finances are in terrible shape," the banker stated. "Your checking account is overdrawn, your loan is overdue."</div> <div> Yes, I know." said the man. "It's my wife Jill, she is out of control."</div> <div> "Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?" asked the banker.</div> <div> "Frankly," replied the man with a deep sigh, "because I'd rather argue with you than with her."</div> <bR> <div> QUIZ KIDS</div> <div> Actual answers given by contestants on the game show The Family Feud:</div> <div> - Name something that floats in the bath - Water </div> <div> - Name something a blind person might use - A sword</div> <div> - Name a song with "moon" in the title - Blue Suede Moon</div> <div> - Something associated with the police - Pigs</div> <div> - Something you do before going to bed - Sleep</div> <div> - Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters</div> <div> - A sign of the zodiac - April</div> <div> - Something slippery - A con man</div> <div> - A part of the body beginning with the letter 'N' -Knee</div> <div> - Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate</div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B> <A NAME="soda"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#6633CC" FACE="Comic Sans MS" ><B>Soda</B></FONT></div> <div> Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.</div> <div> "I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."</div> <div> "I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."</div> <div> "Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."</div> <div> "You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."</div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>