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Padmé: Well, how about this one?
Palpatine: Your Highness, personally, I don't care. Really. Just
pick one and let's go. We're going to be late. And that means all the
really nice landing pads will be taken. I'm not using the "Rebel-Speedway"
landing pad! Not with that horrible taxi driver! [He shakes his head
violently] Never again!!
Padmé: I thought Wedge was a fine driver. [Palpatine mutters to
himself] Now, what do you think of this dress?
Palpatine: Queen Amidala... why don't you stop wearing those
elaborate dresses, and switch to something quick, and comfortable... like a
pair of pants, for instance?
[Padmé stares at Palpatine coldly.]
Padmé: I will wear no pants, Senator!
Palpatine: [holds his hands up] Ok, ok, it was just a
suggestion!
[Padmé shakes her head, and goes back to change into yet another outfit. Then she notices that clone #511, her favourite clone, has not returned with the next outfit to try. She starts to panic. Then she notices the Wardrobe door is shut. She starts to sweat. She runs (or as close to running as she can get in her heavy bulky dress) back out to Palpatine]
Padmé: Call Anakin! Call Obi-Wan! Call SOMEONE!
[Palpatine leaps to his feet and runs out of the apartment, calling for anyone to come. Padmé stands there with tears in her eyes, biting her lip. Her standard "Queen Amidala" makeup is starting to run. Anakin pokes his head into her apartment, followed by Obi-Wan, his braid trailing away from his head. They're both pushed in by Qui-Gon, followed by Palpatine.]
Qui-Gon: So, what's all the ruckus about?
[Padmé points back towards the Wardrobe, unable to speak. Everyone's eyes go wide with terror.]
Anakin: No...
[Padmé nods.]
Obi-Wan: NO..!
[Padmé nods again, rubbing her eyes and taking off a good bit of her makeup. Anakin runs over and embraces her tightly. Obi-Wan looks quite terrified, and grabs onto the wall for support. Palpatine just stands there looking confused. Finally, he can't take it any more.]
Palpatine: Will someone tell me what the hell is going on here?
[Everyone stares at Palpatine.]
Qui-Gon: It seems that the Queen's favourite clone has become lost... in the Wardrobe.
[Obi-Wan passes out. Padmé bursts into renewed tears. Palpatine looks even more confused than ever.]
Palpatine: Don't you think you're over-reacting? I mean, it's a
closet! How hard can...
Anakin: [nearly losing his temper] You've obviously never
been in there, have you Old Man?
Palpatine: ...
Qui-Gon: Only one man has been in the wardrobe... and lived to tell
the tale.
Palpatine: Who?
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan. And look at the state it left him in!
[Anakin and Qui-Gon shudder. Obi-Wan wimpers in his "sleep".]
Obi-Wan: The clothes! They're all around me! And they're all colour-co-ordinated! [shivers]
[Qui-Gon kicks Obi-Wan, hard]
Qui-Gon: Hey! What did I tell you about fear? Do I need to get Yoda
over here to do the whole smegging spiel for everyone?
Obi-Wan: [looking up at his Master] ACK! No! I mean, uh, I'm
fine.. yesssss.... [he continues to shiver]
Anakin: You have to do something! You can't just let that clone die!
Qui-Gon: Well what do you expect me to do?
Anakin: Go in and get her! Or send Kenobi in!
Obi-Wan: [screams]
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
[He gets to his feet, takes a couple of steps, falls over, but resolutely starts to drag himself out of the room.]
Qui-Gon: I can't just spring into action. For something of this scale I have to go to the Jedi Council...
Qui-Gon: And so you see, we should implement our Jedi Knights to
rescue...
Yoda: I sense much fear in you.
Qui-Gon: ...
Yoda: Fear leads to anger...
Qui-Gon: Sir, we cannot afford to waste time! We need people gifted
in the Force, and we need them now.
Yoda: ... anger leads to...
Windu: You can say that again, muthafucker!
Yoda: Got that right, you have.
Qui-Gon: ...
Yoda: Lose my train of thought, I did. Start over, I must. Fear
leads to...
Qui-Gon: I'll do it myself, then! FINE!!
Obi-Wan: NOOOOOOO SMEGGING WAY!!! NUH UH!
[It's obvious by now that everyone is forcing him into the Wardrobe. Unsuccessfully, I might add. He's gripped onto the door frame with both his hands, and the might of everyone pushing him is not making him let go. Rather, he's pushing them back out of the Wardrobe.]
Qui-Gon: Come now, apprentice, it's only for a little while...
Obi-Wan: NEVER AGAIN!
Anakin: Kenobi you wuss! Get in there and show that Wardrobe who's
boss!
Obi-Wan: [sneers] Why don't you go in and show that
Wardrobe who's boss?
Padmé: Please, Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: NO!
[Everyone collapses from the exertion, except Obi-Wan who remains bracing himself against the Wardrobe frame. Anakin gets up slowly and looks at Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan fixes him with a puppy-eyes stare, implementing his patented "Snuggly-Bunny Mind Trick".]
Anakin: Aw, all right. Let's leave him alone for a while.
Padmé: ANAKIN! [smacks him]
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan...
[Obi-Wan fixes his Master with his Snuggly-Bunny Mind Trick. Qui-Gon blinks, then a sad expression passes his face.]
Qui-Gon: My Padawan... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have tried to force you into the Wardrobe against your will.
[Obi-Wan lets go of the door frame and nods.]
Qui-Gon: NOW!!!
[Anakin, Padmé and Qui-Gon all lunge at Obi-Wan and knock him into the Wardrobe. Since the little Jedi wasn't expecting this result, he's unprepared and is hurtled back into the horrible closet of doom. Anakin quickly shuts the door and locks it, throwing himself against the door for extra measure.]
Anakin: Good thinking, Qui-Gon.
Qui-Gon: Yeah, I know, good thing I prepared myself for him to use
his Mind Trick.
[Hours pass.]
Anakin: Jeez! Where is he already?
Qui-Gon: He shouldn't be too long now. Fortunately, the last time you
locked him in there he made a map.
Padmé: When was that?
Qui-Gon: Oh, about 3 months ago.
[Padmé's face gets really pale.]
Anakin: What? What's wrong?
Padmé: Well... last month I kinda maxed out my credit card and...
Anakin: Oh, smeg...
Padmé: ... an' I kinda bought lots of clothes...
[Qui-Gon closes his eyes]
Padmé: ... so, we added two new wings to the Wardrobe.
Anakin: And now the map is out of date. Ya think he's lost?
Padmé: Did you find her?
Obi-Wan: Whaa faaaannnndddd naaaw waaaann waaattaarrrr....garrrrrr...
[He twitches a bit. A crumpled piece of paper falls out of his hand. Anakin picks it up and looks at it.]
Anakin: Here's the map he drew before.
Padmé: Maybe there's a new map on it.
Anakin: [checks] No, just a haiku called "I am going to die
slowly and painfully." And another one called "The many ways in which my
Master will be cruelly tortured for this."
[Qui-Gon backs away from the unconscious Padawan.]
KA-WAP!
[Obi-Wan opens his eyes to see Anakin's hand heading for his face.]
*KA-WAP!*
Obi-Wan: Ow!
Anakin: Dammit, Kenobi, wake up!
*KA-WAP!*
[Suddenly a large push of the Force knocks Anakin over. Obi-Wan sits up rubbing his face gingerly.]
Obi-Wan: Dammit Anakin, you didn't have to slap me so much.
Padmé: Well I don't think I've ever seen anyone pass out so well
before.
Obi-Wan: Well I don't think you've ever had to LOOK for anyone in
your smegging wardrobe before.
Padmé: That's odd, because I have no trouble finding my clothes in
there at all, and neither do my clones, usually.
Qui-Gon: Um, then why is the lowest numbered one now 512?
Padmé: Because people kill them and they get lo-er... and stuff..?
[She looks innocent.]
Qui-Gon: Uh-huh. Well, we've vowed to save the clone. And that's
exactly what we're gonna do.
[Everyone stares at him.]
Qui-Gon: [radio] Alright, we are in sight of the Yellow
section. Over.
Padmé: 10-4.
Obi-Wan: [radio, whining] How come I had to do this
again? Why couldn't you?
Anakin: Because she's been emotionally damaged, asshole.
Obi-Wan: Oh. Then why couldn't you??
Anakin: Because... um... I'm giving her emotional support. Yeah!
That's it. Besides, someone has to hold the rope so you guys don't get lost.
Qui-Gon: [radio] We have entered the Yellow section. No clone
in sight.
Obi-Wan: [radio] Master, here, I've found a shortcut through
to the Magenta-Lamé section! Just push through these... [the radio cuts
out]
Anakin: Smeg! [Jumps to his feet] We've lost contact! How...
Padmé: Funny, I haven't worn any Magenta-Lamé stuff for a while. I
wonder why.
[A few hours later]
[The radio finally crackles to life, waking Anakin and Padmé who have been
sleeping all snuggled together.]
Qui-Gon: Do you copy? We've finally re-established radio contact.
Anakin: 10-4.
Padmé: Well? Any luck?
Qui-Gon: Um..
[Then, quietly and in the background they can hear:]
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan, tell them.
Obi-Wan: No way, Master.
Qui-Gon: I order you.
Obi-Wan: Tell them yourself!
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan...
Obi-Wan: No smegging way, I'm not saying anything!
[A beat.]
Qui-Gon: You WILL tell them everything.
Obi-Wan: I will tell them everything.
[It's obvious now that he's picked up the radio and is talking into it normally.]
Obi-Wan: Hey, we've got some... weird news. Apparently en route to
the Magenta-Lamé section, we found some sort of area of accelerated time,
that zig-zagged all through the Green section... it was really weird.
Anyway. We found a skeleton there... um, I think that's Clone #511...
Padmé: OH MY GOD!! NOOOO!!!! [She clutches at Anakin, who holds
her close. She bursts into tears.]
Obi-Wan: Can we come back now?
Anakin: Um... uh-oh...
Obi-Wan: What?
Anakin: Aw... shit... promise you guys won't hurt me or nothin'.
Qui-Gon: [sounding threatening] What is it, Skywalker??
Anakin: I kinda fell asleep... and let go of the rope...
[From the Wardrobe:]
Obi-Wan & Qui-Gon:
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Padmé: Now, now, guys, fear leads to anger....
Obi-Wan & Qui-Gon:
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[All the screaming wakes Palpatine]
Palpatine: Wotda? [looks around angrily] Who dares interrupt
the sleep of the Emperor?
Anakin: Aw, crap, he's gone into one of his spells...
Palpatine: Now young Jedi, YOU WILL DIE!!!
[Palpatine reaches for Anakin, but is knocked over suddenly by a brown-coloured blur. The blur stops suddenly and it's revealed to be Obi-Wan, dragging his Master along. Obi-Wan drops Qui-Gon and runs into the hallway screaming.]
Obi-Wan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Qui-Gon: Hum. I think he took this rather well. No thanks to YOU.
[Shoots a dark glance at Anakin]
Yoda: Loud you boys are. Complaints there have been. Waking the
other tenants you are. To your rooms you must go now!
[Everyone looks up at Yoda in surprise. He smacks his cane against the floor. They look at each other, then Qui-Gon and Anakin slowly leave Padmé's apartment. Padmé glared at Yoda.]
Padmé: Thanks for nothing, you withered, senile, green little creep.
[Qui-Gon blinks in surprise. Anakin snickers under his breath. Yoda seems taken aback.]
Yoda: ...
Padmé: If you and your Council hadn't sat on your asses and
had actually done something when Qui-Gon asked for your help, #511 would still
be alive!! I thought that Jedi were supposed to help people!
[Qui-Gon clears his throat. Anakin seems to have started coughing...]
Yoda: ...
Padmé: But now I get it. You only help when it suits you!
[Qui-Gon looks at his feet with interest. Anakin just stands there. Yoda blinks with surprise.]
Yoda: Understand the ramifications of your words you do not...
Padmé: Understand the ramifications of MY words I DO! From now on...
I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! As far as I'm concerned, the Council could
be wiped out killer Gungans!
[Qui-Gon chokes, and staggers to his apartment. Anakin still just stands there. Yoda shakes his head.]
Yoda: So be it.
[Yoda leaves, shaking his head and muttering to himself. Anakin Force-scoots back into her room.]
Anakin: Padmé, did you mean that?
Padmé: Yes... if they had done something... #511... oh, Ani...
[Padmé starts crying again. Anakin holds her close, not sure what to say or do... not even sure of his position to her anymore.]
Qui-Gon: She's right, you know.
Yoda: Out of this you will stay!
Qui-Gon: I've stayed out of things like this for too long, Yoda.
There are problems with the Council that need to be taken care of, once and
for all. Now I realize that the Council has no interest in solving them.
Yoda: Think first of the consequences, Qui-Gon Jinn. Then, act.
Dangerous talk, this is.
Qui-Gon: ...
[He walks away.]
