Here Today, Clone Tomorrow!

[Amidala Clone #743's eyes narrow as Anakin Skywalker staggers out of Padmé's apartment at 6:00 in the morning. She sighs, then goes about drawing up a new map for the wardrobe.]

Amidala Clone #743: She never uses clones for that. [grumble grumble]

[Just then, Clone #902 walks over to her.]

Amidala Clone #902: Heya! What up?
Amidala Clone #743: Guess.
Amidala Clone #902: Ah. Are you jealous?
Amidala Clone #743: Hell yes! I mean, we're identical in all aspects, except that she's getting some, and we're not!

[Clone #543, hearing voices, peeks in.]

Amidala Clone #543: Makes you spit, doesn't it?
Amidala Clone #902: How much you wanna bet #512 joins in?
Amidala Clone #743: I don't wanna know.
Amidala Clone #543: We should use the clone technology to make... different clones... if you know what I'm saying.
Amidala Clone #902: We could... or we could... you know... manipulate those two. It shouldn't be too hard. I get the impression Skywalker's not too swift.
Amidala Clone #743: And hey, we look exactly LIKE Padmé...
Amidala Clone #543: How would he know the difference?

[The clones laugh.]

Amidala Clone #902: Here's the plan.

[The clones huddle and begin whispering quickly.]

[Anakin's apartment]
[He collapses on the couch. There's a knock at the door.]

Anakin: Mmm...

[Obi-Wan opens the door. He's looking incredibly awake for 6:00am.]

Obi-Wan: Hey, I was gonna make my world-famous pancakes... you want breakfast?
Anakin: Coffee...
Obi-Wan: French vanilla.
Anakin: [jumping to his feet] Let's go!

[Obi-Wan's apartment]
[Anakin stares in shock at the elaborate spread that's waiting on Obi-Wan's table. There's thick stacks of pancakes, with butter, whipped cream and strawberries and blueberries and saskatoons, and sweet maple syrup... plus freshly squeezed orange juice with finely crushed ice, real iced tea (not the commercial crap), home-made bread that's been perfectly toasted with butter (real butter by the way, not margarine) and light honey. There are sausages too, real sausages not breakfast ones, and thick back bacon cooked to perfection. It's amazing to see. The coffee is still hot, and on first sip Anakin is amazed at how excellent it tastes.]

Anakin: ... coffee...

[THe door knocks. Padmé shlumps in.]

Padmé: Coffee.

[Obi-Wan grins.]

Obi-Wan: French Vanilla!
Padmé: I don't care! Just pump it into my veins!
Obi-Wan: Why's it you're both tired all the time? Don't you get much sleep?

[Anakin and Padmé look at each other.]

Padmé: Sleep. Yes...

[Anakin starts shoveling food into his face.]

Padmé: Good coffee. [starts eating]
Obi-Wan: Well, how is it?
Anakin: Can't talk. Eating. Go hell.
Padmé: Dammit, need more coffee!
Obi-Wan: Um... I'm out of...
Padmé: The just gimme the coffee grounds! NEED CAFFEINE!!
Anakin: What the hell were you thinking, cooking at 6:00, Kenobi?
Obi-Wan: You're up. It's not too early.
Anakin: I haven't been to sleep yet!

[Yet another knock on the door. Qui-Gon walks in, brushing sand off his shoulders.]

Qui-Gon: Coffee...
Padmé: Back off, Jinn! It's mine!!
Qui-Gon: Bite me!
Anakin: Screw you guys, it's mine!

[A large fight starts over the remaining coffee.]

Padmé: HANDS OFF!
Qui-Gon: It's mine!
Anakin: You're getting sand in it, stoppit!
Padmé: YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK THE CUP! NO! Wait a minute... sand? [She looks at Qui-Gon suggestively. He nods and grins. Her eyes widen.]

[Obi-Wan reaches in and grabs the cup.]

Obi-Wan: Calm down guys, I'll just make some swiss mocha or something.
Anakin: [grumbling] Why is it that you always have sand on your clothes Monday morning? And where are you on weekends?
Qui-Gon: ...
Obi-Wan: Good question, Master! Where do you go?
Qui-Gon: Um... Jedi stuff. Yeah. You know... midichlorian... search! yeah, that's it...

[Everyone looks at him oddly.]

Obi-Wan: Riiiiiiiiight. And that's how you get sandy... looking for another apprentice, are you? [It's obvious that he's quite hurt by this concept.]
Qui-Gon: Oh, nono, I already have an apprentice, and another one I use to piss off the council! What could I use another apprentice for... well, if it was a female Padawan, well then...

[*THUMP* Anakin fell backwards, asleep.]

Padmé:I call his coffee!
Qui-Gon:No way! It's mine!

[The cup of coffee floats out of their reach. They look at Obi-Wan.]

Qui-Gon: Padawan... let it go...
Obi-Wan: No way. You guys, seriously. It's just coffee. Why are you all so tired anyways?

[Padmé and Qui-Gon look at each other.]

Qui-Gon: I'll tell you about it later, Obi-Wan...
Obi-Wan: I always get lots of sleep!
Padmé: I'm going home.

[Later that evening, Obi-Wan and Anakin were eating cookie dough and watching the Snow Show.]

Obi-Wan: So... what are we doing again?
Anakin: Playing "cookie oven."
Obi-Wan: Oh. Why?
Anakin: This is the only food in my fridge.
Obi-Wan: oh.

[The door to Anakin's apartment opens. Clone #902 walks in.]

Anakin & Obi-Wan: Hey.

[Clone #902 walks over, grabs the front of Anakin's T-shirt and drags him into the bedroom and slams the door. Obi-Wan snickers and eats more cookie dough. The front door opens again. Padmé walks in. Obi-Wan chokes.]

Padmé: Hey, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: Chhkkk!
Padmé: What's wrong? Why are you turning blue?

[Obi-Wan points at his throat, and makes pounding gestures on his chest.]

Padmé: Are we playing charades or something? First word? Two words? C'mon, help me out here!

[Obi-Wan throws himself against the couch, dislodging the cookie dough from his throat. He looks at Padmé with glassy eyes as he gasps for air.]

Obi-Wan: I... was... choking...
Padmé: You were? Oh my! I'm so sorry! I'm just really tired. But what made you choke?
Obi-Wan: Well... um... it's really hard to explain, see...

[Clone #543 peeks her head in.]

Amidala Clone #543: Padmé, can you help me over here for a bit?
Padmé: Ok. Bye Obi-Wan!
Obi-Wan: ... um... bye?

[Padmé leaves. Obi-Wan stares at the closed bedroom door, looking confused. Then realization dawns on him. He sits down on the couch and flips channels, trying not to think about it. A few minutes later Anakin stumbles out of the bedroom half-dressed and slumps on the floor by the couch. Obi-Wan eats more cookie dough. A few minutes after that Clone #902 walks out of the apartment and shuts the door.]

Obi-Wan: Cookie dough?
Anakin: Hell yes.

[A beat. Obi-Wan is concentrating quite hard on the TV. Anakin doesn't think anything of it at first, but as time goes on and the normally talktative Padawan says nothing, he starts to wonder if something is wrong.]

Anakin: Kenobi, what up? You're all sullen and stuff. This isn't like you.
Obi-Wan: I don't want to talk about it, thanks.
Anakin: What, did you and Qui-Gon have a fight or something?
Obi-Wan: No, Master Qui-Gon isn't even here, he's on... Council business, I think he said.
Anakin: Then what's going on?
Obi-Wan: Nothing, already!

[The door opens. Clone #543 walks in, grabs Anakin's arm and drags him into the bedroom, slamming the door. obi-Wan does a double take, grumbles, and goes into the kitchen. He comes out with a beer, opens the bottle, and chugs. Padmé comes in again.]

Padmé: Hey, what's going on? [notices what Obi-Wan's drinking. His eyes go wide.]

Obi-Wan: N-Nothing!
Padmé: Where's Anakin?
Obi-Wan: Um...

[Clone #902 pokes her head in.]

Amidala Clone #902: Padmé! Phone's for you.
Padmé: Uh, ok. I'll be back. [leaves].

[By now Obi-Wan isn't sure what to say or do. He finishes the beer, then goes into Anakin's fridge, grabs the rest of the 24 and runs out of Anakin's apartment to get himself drunk. That, at least, would explain why he's been seeing double. A few minutes later Anakin and Clone #543 came out of the bedroom. The clone leaves. Anakin stares around the apartment, looking for Obi-Wan. Seeing he's gone, Anakin grabs the Jedi's abandoned cookie dough and starts finishing it off. Padmé enters. Anakin groans.]

Padmé: Hey, sorry... um... where'd Obi-Wan go?
Anakin: I dunno. Now what? Did ya come to finish me off? Tryin' to give me a heart attack?
Padmé:...

[Anakin breaks off his rant, confused.]

Padmé: What are you talking about? I've been looking for you all evening. Every time I come over Obi-Wan's sitting on the couch and you're gone. Last time he was drinking your beer...

[Anakin breaks into a cold sweat.]

Anakin: This is the first time you've seen me today?
Padmé: Yes, why?
Anakin: Um... no reason. Hey, what did you say? That wussy Padawan is drinking my beer?
Padmé: Last I saw, yes...
Anakin: Well, I'm going to get it back. He's probably drunk just looking at the box. [He storms out of the room.]

[When Anakin gets to Obi-Wan's apartment, he finds the door ajar. He pushes it open and looks inside. Obi-Wan is slumped on a chair. Well, what would have once passed for a chair. The chair's legs are cut very short, had have castors mounted on them. The way the Padawan is sitting on the chair makes the chair rock back every time he inhales and rock forward every time he exhales. He's got an empty bottle in his hand.]

Anakin: Aw, smeg. At least now he's drunk, maybe he'll think it was all drunken hallucination. [Thinks, then panics] Who am I kidding, he's a Jedi, he'll know! I am sooooooo dead meat!

[Then he hears a noise from across the hall. A guy with bright pink hair and sporting a multicoloured Padawan braid was just unlocking his door. He turned around and looked at Anakin testily. He was wearing scruffy cutoffs, and sported a lime-green shirt saying "s1th sucK. j3D1 swA||0w" in the ancient language of Lamereze!]

JeSi: h3y! wHat'z up?
Anakin: What?
JeSi: wHat'z up? my h&|e'z jesi. what'z Urz?
Anakin: [barely able to understand the laid-back syllables of the guy's speech] Handle?
JeSi: [points at himself] J3si. U?
Anakin: Oh... Anakin.
JeSi: 0h, c00|! WhoOo! lateR! [He goes into his apartment.]

Anakin: [stares after JeSi] That was... weird... I've never seen a Padawan dressed like that before... and... Lamereze?

[He turns around to receive a punch to the jaw. Anakin staggers back and shakes his head to clear the stars. Obi-Wan is standing there, looking pissed off.]

Obi-Wan: You sonofabitch! How could you do that?
Anakin: Dude! How was I supposed to know? The clones look just like her!
Obi-Wan: Excuses, excuses! [wobbles] I'm... I'm... gonna tell 'er...
Anakin: NO! Don't do that!
Obi-Wan: Just watch!

[Obi-Wan starts down the hallway towards Padmé's room. Anakin stands in shock for a second, then starts after him. The Jedi has just reached Padmé's door when it flies open, knocking him over. Padmé steps out, looking angrily at Anakin.]

Padmé: Anakin Skywalker! You've been cheating on me, haven't you?
Anakin: ...
Padmé: Well?

[Padmé glares. Anakin shuffles his feet.]

Anakin: Um... well... yes and no. See, the clones...
Padmé: How could you do this to me? I LOVED you! And now... [She whirls around then storms into her apartment and slams the door, revealing an unconscious Jedi lying in the hall.]
Anakin: Smeg!

THE END

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