Jedi are a Sweet, Sweet Lay

[Morning at Melrose Naboo. Anakin Skywalker staggers out to pick up his mail. Qui-Gon Jinn is just entering the building, looking thoroughly exhausted. His boots and clothes are covered in sand.]

Jinn: Mornin' Anakin.
Anakin: Uh... are you just now getting home?
Jinn: Mm-hm. [He yawns]
Anakin: [Smirks and shakes his head] Anyone I know?
Jinn: [blinks] Um... n-no. I don't think so...
Anakin: Heh. I didn't think you had it in you.

[Qui-Gon misses the remark and sleepily wanders into the building]

[Obi-Wan walks out of his room in time to run into his Master.]

Obi-Wan: Oh, hi Master! Where did you go? I wondered what had happened, since all you left was that note on my door saying you'd gone away for a couple of days. [Spies his Master's dirty boots] Hum, sand? Uh oh. Are you looking for more Force-strong kids on Tatooine again?
Jinn: Er. Well, my apprentice... since it's not wise to keep secrets, at least that's what the Jedi Council says, I'd better tell you something. [He puts a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder and begins to escort him back into his room.] You'd better sit down.

[The door closes. A beat. Then...]

Obi-Wan: AUGH!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!!!!!

[Qui-Gon steps out of Obi-Wan's room, a smile on his face. He turns, then looks back into the room at Obi-Wan.]

Jinn: And DON'T tell Ani. He has no reason to know. UNDERSTAND, Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: [shaken] Yesss...

[Qui-Gon walks off to his room, leaving Obi-Wan gaping and looking pale. He stiffly walks over to the bathroom, deciding to take a cold shower.]

[Anakin walks down the hallway, looking at his mail]

Anakin: Bills...bills...bills...subscription to "Pod-Racer Digest"... bills... [He all but runs into Padme as she leaves her apartment. She glares at him and storms off. Anakin blinks, looks after her, then shrugs and continues on his merry way.] Bills...

[Obi-Wan passes him in the hallway. With a strangled yelp, Kenobi runs down the hallway.]

Anakin: What the hell is going on this morning?? Bills...

[Obi-Wan is walking down the hallway near Amidala's room whistling to himself happily. He doesn't notice Anakin walking behind him until]

Anakin: Hey, Obi-Wan!

[Obi-Wan jumps at least six feet into the air]

Obi-Wan: Oh, um, HI! Anakin. Yes. Um... yes. Hi!
Anakin: Is something wrong?
Obi-Wan: Oh, nono. Nonono. Everything's hunkydory! Yesssss.... [Obi-Wan's face turns red] Um, I have to go now... training... to do. Yes! Jedi stuff. You know the drill.

[Anakin watches Obi-Wan all but run screaming down the hallway]

Anakin: Jedi. [snorts] I think that braid is cutting off circulation to his brain or something.

[Amidala's room]

Padmé: Oh, Clone #512, I don't know what to do anymore...
Amidala Clone #512: It's understandable. I mean, he cheated on you. With your clones! Of course you're going to feel really unhappy about it.
Padmé: Unhappy? I'm downright pissed off! He thinks he can sleep around with me and get away with it?
Amidala Clone #512: Uh oh... what are you going to do?
Padmé: The one thing that I know will get to him. Then he'll know what it feels like to be betrayed!

[Anakin is sitting in his room when he hears a knock on the door]

Anakin: come in.

[Obi-Wan comes in, looking worried.]

Obi-Wan: [nervously] Um, hey Anakin...
Anakin: Whatcha up to?
Obi-Wan: [snaps] Nothing! [Anakin looks at him oddly] Sorry, I'm, um, just a bit nervous is all.
Anakin: What's wrong?
Obi-Wan: Er, well, have you seen Master Qui-Gon? I haven't seen him for a couple hours... [Anakin shakes his head.] Ah, alright then, hehe, that's all. Bye! [He does a Force-scoot to speed out of Anakin's room]
Anakin: what was that all about? [He sighs, and looks around the room, noticing its state of disarray. He decides to clean it up a bit, and to take out the overflowing bag of trash. He picks up some papers off the floor, and stuffs it into the already full bag, then grabs the bag's top and quickly ties it shut. He steps out of his room, then, knowing his proximity to Obi-Wan's room, decides to ask the Padawan if he has any garbage to take out too.]

Anakin: [Yelling] Hey Obi-Wan! It's Anakin!

[There's a long pause, then the door opens as far as the locking chain will permit it. Obi-Wan's face peers past the chain at Anakin. His eyes go wide.]

Obi-Wan: Um..... hi! Hehe. What can I do you for - I mean, How can I - arg! What do you want?

[Anakin looks oddly at the agitated little Jedi, but says nothing.]

Anakin: I was taking out my garbage, and I wondered if you would like me to take yours.
Obi-Wan: Oh, ok. Sure! [He closes the door, then opens it again, this time with the locking chain off. He hands Anakin two bags of garbage, both not tied at the tops.] Here's mine, and Qui-Gon's, he dropped it off for me to take out as part of my "Padawan Duty" [rolls eyes]. Sorry about not tying them or anything.
Anakin: Oh, that's ok. [He notices that Obi-Wan is just standing there staring at him oddly, playing with his braid.] Um... is there something else?
Obi-Wan: What? Oh, no. Nonono. Everything's great! Thanks! [All but slams the door in Anakin's face.]
Anakin: What is with him? He's been acting so weird lately. I wonder what's going on with him... [shakes his head, knowing that the little Jedi has always, and will always be a very strange character.]

[Anakin tries to hold the two open bags of garbage in one hand while he walks down the hall, but one of them slowly slips out of his hand and falls onto the floor. Garbage leaks out from the bag onto the floor. Anakin curses to himself in Huttese and puts the other bags down, tying the other open one shut. He starts to shovel garbage back into the bag, but something catches his eye. It's a travel ticket, made out to Qui-Gon Jinn. He smiles to himself, and opens it up to see where the Jedi has been. And blinks.]
[The ticket is to... Tatooine?]
[Anakin slowly lowers the ticket, his hand tightening and crumpling it. The Jedi had come back with sand all over his clothes and boots. And had tickets to Tatooine. Who did he know on... oh MY GOD!! Anakin took off running.]

Anakin: Dammit, go screw your stupid simpering little Padawan! Leave my mother alone!

[Qui-Gon looks at Anakin in shock]

Qui-Gon: Does it really bother you that much?
Anakin: Hell yes!

[Qui-Gon looks down for a moment. Then a slow smirk spreads across his face.]

Qui-Gon: Then you're going to love this...

[Qui-Gon strolls away from Anakin, grinning like a Cheshire Cat. Anakin stares after him uncertainly.]

Anakin: [after a moment's thought] He didn't... MOOOOOMMMM!!!!! [runs to nearest phone]

[Later, as Anakin storms down the hallway in the direction of Padmé's room:]

Anakin: Damn him! Damn him! [he stops and thinks for a moment, shuddering. It is apparant that the phone call to Shmi did not go well... his anger is also obvious, and he has a nervous tic going in his jaw] I'm gonna... ok, think, calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean...

[He walks down the hallway, then stops in confusion as he sees a white sock tied around the doorknob of Padmé's room]

Anakin: What the...?

[He opens the door, then stands there in shock at what he sees. From inside the room:]

Obi-Wan: AUGH!!! SHUT THE DOOR!!
Padmé: Who?? ANAKIN!!!!! Uh-oh... it's not what you think...

[Anakin's jaw twitch is more pronounced than ever. He stands there in the doorway for a second, then leaves in search for a case of beer.]

[Amidala's bedroom]
[Padmé sighs to herself]

Padmé: Well, we got him! I wanna thank you, Obi-Wan... I mean, I don't think I could have done this with anyone else.

[By now it's quite obvious that Obi-Wan is extremely drunk, and has passed out on the bed]

Padmé: I know I had to get you a bit drunk, but... it's worth it. The look on his face was priceless! That'll teach him to sleep around with me!
Obi-Wan: But Master [whimper] I don't want to go to my lessons today!

[Amidala sighs and with a "Might-as-well-finish-up-what-I-started" look she snuggles down beside the pished Padawan and tries to go to sleep.]

[Chewie's, the friendly little neighborhood bar where the gang hangs out...]
[We see Anakin sitting on a stool in the bar. A rather large Wookiee clears away the large pile of beer bottles sitting in front of him. Anakin has long since switched from beer to hard liquor. There is now a stack of empty shot glasses and a 3/4 empty bottle of scotch sitting in front of him. Jar Jar makes an appearance with some of his "entourage". The bleary-eyed regulars great him with shouts of "Jar Jar!!". Jar Jar sees his buddy looking a bit... wasted.]

Jar Jar: Hey, there Ani. You'sa lookin sad dere.
Anakin: ...
Jar Jar: Whats de problem. You can tell Jar Jar.

[Anakin looks at him with glassy, blood-shot eyes and snarles. It seems he's courting dangerously with the Dark Side. In fact, the scotch label says "Dark Side Breweries"]

Jar Jar: I'sa know dat look. You'sa gots women troubles. Well, I'sa gots the solution to de problem. [Jar Jar snaps his fingers at his "friends"] Take one.
Anakin: [smelling of cheap scotch] I'll take 'em all...

[Jar Jar blinks, then grins]

[The morning after...]
[Obi-Wan wakes slowly and painfully, feeling as if the SPCA had shed in his mouth, and his throat had walked across Tatooine with no water. He's aware of the fact that... he has NO idea where he is, or what had happened the night before!! The last thing he rememers is Padmé dragging him off to the bar. After that... he looks around the room, and realizes just whose bedroom it is. He breaks out into goosebumps. His head starts pounding as he hears the sounds of a full-scale bitchfight outside. He puts his head to the door and listens.]

Padmé: What the hell are you doing? [she's hung and cranky, partly mad at Anakin, but mad at herself as well...]
Anakin: [still slightly drunk, with the hos standing behind him] Whad'ya mean, what the hell am I doing, huh?
Padmé: Having a sleep-over, where we?
Anakin: Well, I don' know 'bout you, but I don't do the sort of things you and Pimple-Ass were doing last night at sleep-overs! [He's starting to shout, and his little jaw-tic thing is going]
Padmé: I don't have sleepovers with 5 women, now do I?
Anakin: How the hell should I know?[He doesn't admit that he pretty much passed out when he got home, 5 women with him or not...]
Padmé: Well excuse me! You have the right to sleep with other women... but I don't have the right to sleep with other men? That does not make sense!...

[It's obvious that she's slipped into the Chewbacca Defense. Anakin stands there and boggles at the strange leaps of logic and illogic that Padmé is making. The bedroom door opens silently and Obi-Wan, a sheet draped around his body, steps out and quietly begins to walk past the arguing couple. He almost makes it past Anakin, who, without looking away from Padmé, reaches out and grabs the Padawan's braid. Obi-Wan doesn't make a sound, but his face turns red and his eyes get all squinched up like he's in pain. He tries to pull the braid out of Anakin's hands, but Anakin gives it a vicious tug and Obi-Wan collapses to the ground in noisless pain.]

Anakin: Is this what you want, huh? This? [He points at Obi-Wan sitting on the floor holding his head, then pulls the braid again. Obi-Wan glares at him with that "If-she-wasn't-here-you'd-be-sooo-dead" look.]
Padmé: Did I say that's what I wanted?
Anakin: Well then, what the hell do you want?

[Padmé turns away from Anakin, and her body begins to shake.]

Anakin: Aw... shit, c'mon Padmé... don't... [He doesn't want to give in, but he knows she's crying, and knows that he's responsible for that crying. He sighs resignedly.] Look, ok? I didn't mean to sleep with the clones! How the hell am I supposed to know the difference between you and them? I mean, come on! They look just like you!

[Padmé turns and looks at him, tears brimming in her eyes.]

Anakin: Aw... smeg...
Obi-Wan: Chrchkkkkkk......

[Anakin looks at Obi-Wan, who's trying to free his braid, Force-slams him into the wall and proceeds to choke him]

Padmé: Yeah, that's your answer for everything. When the going gets tough, pull on Obi-Wan's braid.
Anakin: But it's just so... tugable!
Padmé: [evil look in her eyes] Oh yesss... you wouldn't believe how tugable...

[Anakin stares at her in shock. Obi-Wan takes advantage of the situation to squirm out of Anakin's grasp. He slides down the wall and breathes deeply.]

Anakin: ...

[Padmé smirks at him.]

Anakin: ...
Padmé: Is there something you want to say to me, Ani?
Anakin: ...

[Padme frowns, then looks at the hos that are just standing there watching the proceedings.]

Padmé: Screw off!

[The hos look at Padmé, then at each other. They take off, casting scornful glances back at Padmé every now and then.]

Anakin: ...

[Obi-Wan looks around, confused. He looks as though he's about to cry.]

Obi-Wan: Um, I'm gonna go now...

[Anakin grabs him by the throat and starts choking him again.]

Padmé: Are you as turned on as I am?
Anakin: Oh, hell yeah! [They go back into the bedroom and slam the door, leaving Obi-Wan slumped in the hallway, confused as ever.]

Obi-Wan: That did not make sense...

THE END

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