The Softer Side of the Force

[Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are browsing around in the Coruscant Sears store for parts for their lightsabres. They're in the massive techno-aisle, looking around at the massive selection they're faced with.]

Obi-Wan: This place is almost as bad as the Wardrobe!
Qui-Gon: Well at least this isn't a clothes aisle...
Obi-Wan: Master, we've been here half an hour, and we're still browsing this aisle!
Qui-Gon: Patience, my apprentice.

[Obi-Wan wanders around in concentric circles, as far as he can go in the confines of the aisle. He starts banging up against the displays, a dull look on his face. Then he starts levitating objects in the displays and swapping them or plunking them into other people's shopping carts. Qui-Gon sighs.]

Qui-Gon: How's this: let's split the list up and browse for parts that way. It'll go much faster.

[He rips the list in half, and Obi-Wan walks away with his half. He walks. And walks. And walks.]

Obi-Wan: Uh..? Sporting goods? Urk!

[He feels his head jerk back. Something's caught his braid. He hops down the aisle following his braid as it is pulled over. He hears familiar voices.]

Padmé: Whoohoo! I got something!
Anakin: Cool! I'll grab the fish head bonky thing!

[The Padawan narrowly avoids getting hit by a golf club.]

Obi-Wan: What the hell's going on?

[Anakin and Padmé stand in a boat display with fishing rods. A tall guy with a red and black face was driving off golf balls.]

Anakin: Damn! What an ugly fish!
Obi-Wan: Ow!
Padmé: C'mon, I'll unhook you.

[Anakin glares at Obi-Wan]

Anakin: Yes. Wouldn't want to hurt the little smeghead...

[Obi-Wan, after being freed, looks at the red guy.]

Obi-Wan: You look familiar...

[Palpatine, dressed as Darth Sidious, comes over to the boat.]

Palpatine: MAUL!! What are you doing? Stop that!

[Obi-Wan blinks as recognition sinks in. He steels his face into a blissful state of ignorance.]

Maul: Yes, my Master.

[Maul drops the clubs and leaves. Anakin jumps out of the boat and follows, purposely slamming into Obi-Wan. Padmé sighs.]

Padmé: He's still mad at you.
Obi-Wan: [without looking at her] Yeah. Though I'm still mad at YOU...
Padmé: For what? Getting you laid?
Obi-Wan: You got me drunk! I had no idea what I was doing!

[They both glare at each other, then look away.]

Obi-Wan: I was amazing, wasn't I?
Padmé: Oh HELL yes!
Obi-Wan: There's no sex like Force-driven sex, I've heard. [A beat. Then, with an air of ignorance:] Who was that red and black guy?
Padmé: Name's Darth Maul. He's a Sith.
Obi-Wan: [rather loudly] Don't be silly, Sith don't exist! [quietly] I know. I fought him before on Naboo...
Padmé: Dude!
Obi-Wan: Question: what the hell are you guys doing?
Padmé: Duh. Fishing.
Obi-Wan: Seriously.
Padmé: Anakin came because he was bored. Maul's shopping. I'm just trying to make sure he... um... that he...
Obi-Wan: Doesn't go to the Dark Side?
Padmé: Yeah.
Obi-Wan: [sadly] He's mad a me, but not at you?

[He walks off in search of machine parts.]

[Meanwhile, Qui-Gon discovers he's lost in Ladies' Footwear.]

Qui-Gon: Er, hello? Anyone? I'm lost!
Palpatine: Hello?
Qui-Gon: Where are you?
Palpatine:Outside footwear!
Qui-Gon: I can't get out!
Palpatine: I know what we can do. Marco!

[Realization dawns on Qui-Gon.]

Qui-Gon: Polo!

[Toy Section]
Padmé walks into the Toy Section. She's greeted by a stream of water in the face.]

Anakin: We found Super Soakers!!
Padmé: [spits out water] Yay. Should I kill you now or later!

[Maul steps up, water guns in both hands.]

Maul: Let's have some fun.

[Footwear:]

Qui-Gon: Polo!

[He sees Anakin. Ani's got his hands behind his back.]

Anakin: Hey! Don't you play Marco Polo in water?
Qui-Gon: There's no water.
Anakin: [grins] Yeah?

[Qui-Gon is sprayed with water, as Maul and Padmé pop up from behind the aisle. Anakin joins in, and they promptly hose down Qui-Gon.]

Palpatine: [from far away] Marco!

[Tech Section]
[Obi-Wan has finally found the last item on his list. From far away he can faintly hear the sounds of someone... playing Marco Polo? With no water? He shakes his head. Then he sees a sign saying "Toy Section."]

Obi-Wan: Yay! Lego! [He scampers into the toy aisle.]

[Toy Section:]
[Qui-Gon is thoroughly soaked. His robes have become increasinly heavy as he struggles towards Palpatine's cries of "Marco!" Still, Anakin, and Maul spray water at him. Qui-Gon gets tired of this quickly, and Force-blasts Anakin. Anakin flies back into the shelves and lands in the next aisle. Maul decides that it's best not to mess with Qui-Gon Jinn. Obi-Wan trips over Anakin in his dash for Lego.]

Anakin: Look out, ya jerk!
Obi-Wan: Oof! Sorry.
Anakin: Go away.
Obi-Wan: Look, we should talk.
Anakin: I have nothing to say to you!
Obi-Wan: I didn't know what was going on! She got me pished!
Anakin: Sez you!

[Obi-Wan looks very angry. He picks up Anakin with the Force and holds him off the floor.]

Obi-Wan: It WASN'T my fault! [He waves his hand to punctuate that.] SHE got ME pished! I didn't know what was going on!
Anakin: It wasn't your fault.

[Maul peers around a display, grinning in glee at the Padawan's anger. Just then Qui-Gon brushes by him. He looks at Maul skeptically, but continues over to Obi-Wan and Anakin.]

Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan! Put him down! [Obi-Wan drops Anakin, glaring.] What did I tell you about anger, Apprentice? Do I need to get Yoda over here?

[Anakin climbs to his feet and slams his fist into Obi-Wan's stomach. They wind up rolling around and choking each other. Maul laughs. Padmé runs over to see what's going on. Obi-Wan strangles Anakin, but is pulled off by Qui-Gon. Padmé drags Anakin away from the Jedi.]

Qui-Gon: I said STOP! Both of you!
Padmé: Ani, it wasn't his fault!

[Obi-Wan starts to cry. He grabs his braid and uses it to soak up his tears. Qui-Gon bends over to comfort him, and the Padawan buries his face in his Master's robes, sobbing.]

Obi-Wan: Maaaaaasterrrrr... I want my bwankie...
Qui-Gon: Hush, it's all right... [pats his apprentice on the head.]
Padmé: Now look what you did, Ani...
Anakin: Simpering little smeghead. Deserves it!
Padmé: Anakin... it wasn't his fault. I got him drunk. It was just to get back at you for sleeping with the clones... [She blinks back tears, then starts to shake.]
Anakin: Padmé... [He sarts sniffling.]

[Suddenly all three of them burst into a cacophony of of tears. They form a big group hug, snuggling and crying and apologizing to each other over and over. Qui-Gon shakes his head, and goes off, following Palpatine's voice.]

Palpatine: Marco!
Qui-Gon: Polo!
Maul: Why don't you just have a threesome?
Obi-Wan: Huh?
Maul: Yeah, it'll solve the whole problem.
Anakin & Padmé: NO!
Palpatine: Marco!
Padmé: Y'know, whenever I get upset, I go shopping.

[Obi-Wan starts to cry at the thought of the Wardrobe getting bigger. Anakin grabs him by the scruff of the neck and pulls him upright.]

Anakin: C'mon, let's go to the Hardware Department.
Obi-Wan: [sniffles] Ok.

[They run off together. Padmé shakes her head and walks off towards Women's Fashions.]

Palpatine: Marco!

[Maul follows behind Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon looks at him oddly.]

Qui-Gon: Can I help you?
Maul: Well, I was just wondering if you wanted to shop with me.
Qui-Gon: Um, shop with an Alternative User of the Force? No, thanks.
Maul: You're judging me by the Force? What about your other apprentice? He had no problem shopping with me. And his girlfriend. They didn't care. Just because I'm different...
Qui-Gon: Um... well, er... [His Jedi training is obviously making him feel uncomfortable with the idea.] Well... all right... I suppose... it couldn't hurt.
Maul: [grins wickedly] All right!

[Audio]
[Maul rifles through a stack of CDs.]

Qui-Gon: What are you doing?
Maul: Looking for a new CD. Sears has tons of selection, and good prices. It makes music seem the softer side of the Force! You should hear some of these!
Qui-Gon: [looks at some] Backstreet Boys? Hanson? N Sync? Britney Spears? Spice Girls?
Maul: Yeah, give 'em a try.
Qui-Gon: Hm...

[That night, in Anakin's slum:]
[Obi-Wan is putting the new parts into his lightsabre. Once again, the Gang watches the Snow Show. The remains of Chinese takeout sit on the coffee table. An uneasy silence falls on the group.]

Anakin: Guys, what's happened? I mean...

[He breaks off, uncomfortable. Padmé shifts around on the couch, then stands up. Obi-Wan blinks, and looks up from his lightsabre. He's about to say something when:]

From Qui-Gon's Apartment: SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!!!
Obi-Wan: Ugh!! What the hell is that?!
Padmé: It's coming from near here...
Obi-Wan: Maybe it's JeSi. He'd do something like this.
Anakin: Hey, who is that JeSi guy? A Padawan? He's rather... strange.
Obi-Wan: JeSi is... JeSi. He's what happens when a Dark Side Guy and a Jedi have a kid.
Anakin: I thought Jedi couldn't have kids...
Obi-Wan: [shrugs] Dark Side Guys can. JeSi's... well, he's hard to explain. He can...
Padmé: Obi-Wan, that's all fine and good. BUT IT'S NOT STOPPING THAT QUOTE UNQUOTE MUSIC!!! ARGH!!!

[They all pile out into the hall, and follow the music to... Qui-Gon's apartment? Obi-Wan bangs on the door.]

Obi-Wan: Master! Let us in!
Anakin: Yeah, Old Man! You got some explaining to do!
Padmé: I'll "explain" something to him, all right...

[Qui-Gon opens the door. The noise gets louder.]

Qui-Gon: What do you want?
The Gang: MAKE IT STOP!!
Qui-Gon: What?
Anakin: AUGH!!!

[Anakin pushes past Qui-Gon and storms into the apartment. And sees sand. Lots of it. THe other two rush in and try to find the CD player. Anakin's face goes red and his jaw starts to twitch.]

Qui-Gon: Hm. Now listen, this is between your mother and I...
Anakin: ...
Qui-Gon: I can understand how this can be hard for you.
Anakin: ...

[The music stops. The sound of CDs breaking can be heard.]

Qui-Gon: You need to be an adult about this.
Anakin: ...

[Qui-Gon's not sure what to say. Obviously nothing will make things better. He sighs. Obi-Wan and Padmé come up. They drop broken chunks of CDs at Qui-Gon's feet. They look at Anakin, and immediately guess what's going on.]

Obi-Wan: Anakin, I should have said something sooner...
Anakin: [incredulous] You knew about this?! And didn't say anything??

[Obi-Wan makes a little wimpering noise. Then there's a brown-coloured blur, and then a little cloud of Obi-Wan-shaped smoke. When the smoke clears the Padawan is gone. Anakin's jaw twitches again, and he tears after the Jedi, hollering.]

Anakin: YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS ONE, KENOBI!!!

[Meanwhile, back at Sears...]

Palpatine: Um... Marco?

THE END

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