Stoked!

[Qui-Gon's apartment:]
[Qui-Gon settles down on his couch, sighs contentedly, opens a paperback romance novel and relaxes. He vows to make the most of what will probably be a very quiet weekend...]


[Coruscant Starport]
[Obi-Wan and Anakin trade blows over the window seat.]

JeSi: Oh, vacAtiONz wiTh th3S3 Two are such a joy.
Padmé: Ignore them. Just think happy thoughts, like all the fresh powder on those mountains.
JeSi: y3AH, & SkI buNnI3z.
Obi-Wan & Anakin: Ski bunnies? WHERE?

[Vancouver, BC, Canada, Earth:]
[Obi-Wan moans at the amount of luggage waiting to be loaded into the tiny rental Jeep. He watches his friends load his skis and their snowboards onto the Jeep. He sighs and starts loading the Jeep.]


[In the Jeep, headed for Whistler:]
[Obi-Wan growls as Anakin fumbles with the tape player. As if the heat cranked up weren't bad enough, Skywalker seems determined to shatter everyone's eardrums by playing his Korn tape as loud as the speakers can handle.]

Obi-Wan: [yelling] Could you please turn that down?
Anakin: [yelling back] What? I can't hear you!
Obi-Wan: ...

[JeSi laughs.]

Obi-Wan: Can you at least change the tape? I hate this shit!
Anakin: No.
Obi-Wan: Do you mind turning on the AC? It's sweltering back here.
Anakin: No.
Obi-Wan: Goddammit! Why can't you-

[With a screech of tires, Anakin brings the Jeep to an abrupt halt. He whirls around in his seat and glares and Obi-Wan. JeSi tries to look inconspicuous and Padmé has an "Oh-Lord-here-we-go-again" look.]

Anakin: I'm sick and bloody tired of your constant bitching!! From now on you ride in the trunk!
Obi-Wan: But...but the trunk's so tiny!
Anakin: I don't give a shit! You ride in the trunk or you smegging walk! OUT!!!


[Whistler:]
[The Jeep pulls into a gas station before the Gang head to their rented cabin.]

Anakin: Well, I suppose I should let Smeghead out of the trunk.

[He climbs out of the Jeep as the gas jockey fills the gas tank. The trunk opens, and Obi-Wan's foot flies out and catches Anakin in the face. Anakin falls to the ground with a thump. Obi-Wan glares, climbs out of the trunk and hops into the back seat. Anakin climbs to his feet, spits the blood out of his mouth and looks for something to maim Obi-Wan with.]


[The Next Morning:]
[After a quiet night (i.e. barely any squabbling), the Gang is ready to hit the slopes...]

Obi-Wan: Snowboarders...
Padmé: Sweet! Looks like it snowed last night.
JeSi: 1'm g0nNa cH3ck 0ut ThoS3 snowbunni3Z.
Anakin: You do that. I'm gonna go get my adrenaline fix.
Obi-Wan: ...snowboarders everywhere! I can't handle it.
Anakin: What are you babbling about now?
Obi-Wan: Too many snowboarders!
JeSi: whAt'z wRong w1th snoWB0Arderz?
Obi-Wan: Skiing and snowboarding are like the Light Side and Dark Side! Would I hang around with an Alternative User of the Force?
Padmé: Not only are the three of us snowboarders, but you're dating an Alternative User of the Force!!!

[Obi-Wan pauses and thinks for a moment.]

Obi-Wan: Dammit, I don't have to take this verbal abuse! I'm ... I'm ... I'm going over there! [He points in no particular direction.]

Anakin: Fine. Whatever. Be back at the Jeep at 5:30 though, or I'm leaving without you.

[Obi-Wan grumbles and stomps off.]

Padmé: Now, I think we were saying something about snowboarding?

[Obi-Wan stares in horror as every run is dominated by snowboarders. He looks around for somewhere where he can be by himself. He notices a sign saying "Out of bounds. OFF LIMITS". He grins and heads in that direction.]

[5:20 PM, outside the Jeep:]

Anakin: Damn, I think we lost JeSi.
Padmé: Oh, he's probably off hunting snowbunnies.
Anakin: ...

[They look up as they hear JeSi say "he333yYY GuYYysSz...". He's being carried by several snowboarder guys.]

JeSi: h3Y, 1 wan' U ta M33t my n3w Fr13nd. gUyz, say HeLlo to RoSz.
Ross: Well, I better get goin'. Take 'er easy, man.
JeSi: YeeAa...
Padmé: Dude, why are your eyes all bloodshot?
JeSi: awwW MAaAnNn, 1 got A Major cas3 of the MuNchiez...
Anakin: [smirking] Worm, didn't I ever tell you never to accept smokes from snowboarders? Especially in Whistler.
Padmé: Huh?
Anakin: I'll explain later.
JeSi: duUud3, wh3re'z k3nOB1?
Anakin: [glances at his watch] I dunno, but i told him to get his ass here by 5:30 or I'd leave him, and it's 5:33 now. Let's go.
Padmé: But...
Anakin: [tensely] Get in the car.
JeSi: aWwW... that'z no g0Od...

[Much later:]
[Obi-Wan is alarmed to see that it is dark outside. He has been so absorbed in skiing that he lost track of time. He spots a cave and decides to spend the night there...]

[The next morning:]
[JeSi sits down at the breakfast table in the cabin and sees Anakin and Padmé grimly drinking coffee. He looks around and doesn't see Obi-Wan anywhere.]

JeSi: wh3R3'z KeNob1?
Padmé: He didn't make it back here last night.
JeSi: [blinking in surprise] uhoh...
Anakin: [grumbles] Don't worry, we'll find the smeghead.
Padmé: [glares at Anakin] Damn right we will, even if we have to look all day.

[Anakin growls something and drinks his coffee.]

[Later that day, not far from the cave:]

Anakin: Well, the tracks lead right to that cave.
JeSi: cavE?
Anakin: Yeah, cave. Go check it out, Worm.
JeSi: M3? wHo kn0Wz What'z 1n th3R3?
Padmé: Yeah, well, you go check it out, and we'll... um..
Anakin: Call for backup.
Padmé: Yeah... backup...

[JeSi looks at them dubiosly, then heads into the cave. He immediately comes running back out, yelling at the top of his lungs.]

Anakin: What? What is it?
JeSi: b3ar! b3ar! and 1t'Z got ob1-wan!
Padmé: Smeg.
Anakin: Oh shit.
JeSi: We g0ttA geT h1M 0UTta TH3re!
Padmé: Hello! There's a bear in there!
Anakin: Give me a minute, I'll think of something!
JeSi: It'|l 3At obi-Wan and COmE aFt3r uz fOR d3sserT!
Anakin: WAIT! I've got a plan!

[Outside the cave: ]

Padmé: Some plan. Ready, JeSi?
JeSi: yuP.
Padmé: Ready, twank?
Anakin: Oh, stop complaining. I've got the hardest part.
Padmé: Right, if I don't get eaten first...
Anakin: Ready.

[Padmé picks up one of Obi-Wan's forgotten skis and hits the rocks outside the cave.]

Padmé: HERE BEAR! C'MERE BEAR! COME EAT ME! C'MON BEAR!

The bear opens its eyes, yawns, lumbers outside the cave and roars. JeSi dashes inside the cave and shakes Obi-Wan.]

JeSi: lEt'z GeT Out Of h3r3 B3fOr3 the B3ar g3tz uz!
Obi-Wan: Bear?
The Bear: RRRAAAWWWRRGGG!!!!
Padmé: YEAH! C'MON YA BIG SMELLY BEAR! NOW ANI!!!

[Anakin jumps from the top of the cave and lands on the bear's back. The bear growls and starts spinning around. Anakin yells and hangs on for dear life. Obi-Wan raises his eyebrows at JeSi, then charges out of the cave. They join up with Padmé, and they all start running. The bear roars again, and smashes it's back into the cave wall, smooshing Anakin.]

Anakin: Oof!
JeSi: it'Z oK, DudE! w3 saVed ob1-Wan.
Anakin: Who's gonna save me??

[The bear snarls and charges Anakin. Everyone but Anakin winces.]

Obi-Wan: The important part is-
Anakin: OW!! DAMN!
Obi-Wan: -that I'm safe and we all had fun!
The Bear: RWWARRGG!
Anakin: AUGH!
Obi-Wan: I've 2 important lessions from this...
Anakin: Oh no, I think this'll need stitches...
Obi-Wan: Never jump on a bear and never ski out of bounds. Remember that, kids.
Anakin: I'm losing a lot of blood here...
Padmé: Wow, a vacation with a moral.
Obi-Wan: Yeah, let's go home.
Anakin: Can we go to a hospital first?
JeSi: STok3D!

THE END

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