The Beerhunters
or
How Mel avoids studying for midterms

[Qui-Gon glances out his window. He observes Obi-Wan and Anakin struggling to unload a large, shiny object from the back of a pickup truck. He smirks as he notices that they are being "supervised" by Padmé, who is busy insulting them and yelling. He squints, and manages to see what the object is. It looks like...]

Qui-Gon: Oh, dear Force, no!


[Inside Anakin's apartment]
[Obi-Wan snuggles up to the beer keg. He sighs happily.]

Obi-Wan: I love you, beer keg. How long has it been since I last told you that?
Padmé: About three seconds.
Obi-Wan: I love you, beer keg.

[Ani rolls his eyes in disgust and tries to pry the Jedi from the keg.]

Obi-Wan: BACK OFF SKYWALKER!! THE KEG'S MINE!! NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Ani: Fine, you can have the keg, but what's in it is mine, dammit! LEGGO THE KEG!

[Qui-Gon Force-blasts the door open.]

Qui-Gon: WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?
Ani: Umm... we're not having a keg party?
Qui-Gon: ...
Ani: 'Cuz I know it looks like we're having a kegger.
Qui-Gon: Right.
Ani: Heh. But we're not.
Qui-Gon: Uh-huh.
Ani: We're just having a little get together-
Padmé: -with beer-
Obi-Wan: -from this keg-
Gang: -but we're NOT having a kegger!
Qui-Gon: I better not have to come over here tonight. Because if I do, I'll lay the smack down. Got it? Good.

[He stomps out and slams the door shut.]

Gang: Bye Qui-Gon!


[Soon after:]
[Music blares from Anakin's apartment. A long line leads from the entrance of Melrose Naboo to the apartment. Yoda pushes his way to the front of the line. Mara Jade stands at the entrance.]

Mara: Five bucks.
Yoda: What?
Mara: Cover charge. Five bucks, Jedi swine, and make it snappy!
Yoda: [Mind Tricking] Own this building, I do. Not pay, will I.
Mara: Nice try. Five bucks, or you get the hell outta here.

[Yoda digs into his robes, finds some change and throws it in the general direction of Mara. He heads inside, grumbling the whole way. It's total chaos inside the apartment. SithChair screams from the stereo, and many beings gulp their beer. Obi-Wan dances on Anakin's coffee table with a lampshade on his head, singing something about being blue, da-ba-dee-da-ba-da. Chewie roars and throws a droid across the living room. The droid hits the wall and explodes in a shower of sparks and flying metal bits, leaving a large scorch mark over the picture of Shmi that used to hang on the wall. Mace Windu is busy selling his wares, and Jar Jar seems to be doing business as well. Maul, JeSi, Anakin, Padmé and Kendra are playing a drinking game. They make a great deal of noise, and they all seem pished.]

Obi-Wan: Hey hic Massa Yoda. Join the hic pardy! Yah! Da-ba-dee...

[There is a loud yell from the drinking game table. Everyone at the table laughs as JeSi pours the last of his beer into a giant mug in the centre. JeSi grins and throw a playing card onto the pile.]

Yoda: Seems to be in order, everything does.

[Yoda pours a beer from the keg and joins Mace. Another shout is heard from the table as Anakin throws a card down and chugs the giant mug of beer. He looks like he's about to be sick. Everyone laughs and Maul starts to shuffle and deal the cards again.]


[Later: Most of the beer is gone, the lineup has shrunk to almost nothing and the drinking game seems to over, although Maul and Kendra are still playing. JeSi is passed out under the table and Obi-Wan has collapsed on the couch. Everyone else is still running around and behaving like a bunch of rowdy drunks. Things have gotten so out of control that Mara has given up breaking up fights and is now drinking beer with Chewie and Jar Jar. Anakin leaps out of the chair as he hears a scream from the bathroom.]

Ani: Wha? What's goin' on?
Padmé: I went to use the bathroom, and LOOK!!

[Anakin opens the door, and a huge cloud of funny smelling smoke wafts out.]

Ani: HOLY SMOKE!!
Mace: Hey, muthafucka!
Palpy: Close the door!
Yoda: Go you must!
Ani: That's it! My apartment is destroyed, my beer is gone and my bathroom is being hot-boxed! I'm outta here!
Obi-Wan: Dude, if you think that's bad, you should see your VCR.
Ani: I don't wanna know! To hell with you all!


[Qui's:]
[Anakin opens the door, plops down on the couch and growls. Qui looks up.]

Qui-Gon: I thought you'd get here eventually.
Anakin: [staring at the TV] I don't wanna talk about it.
Qui-Gon: Popcorn?
Ani: Thanks. What are we watching, anyways?
Qui-Gon: Titanic.
Ani: AAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

THE END

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