Looks Like Team Rocket's Blasting Off Again...

[Jedi University, AdHum Building student pit]
[Obi-Wan, fully clad in Jedi garb, walks over to a bunch of similarily clad friends sitting in the northwest corner of the pit, playing the Pokémon CCG.]

Obi-Wan: Hey, guys.
Friends: Hey, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Whatcha doing?
Friend #1: Playing Pokémon!
Obi-Wan: Pokémon? Ew!
Friend #2: Hey, don't knock it till you play it!
Obi-Wan: Never!
Friend #1: Well, have you ever played the Gameboy game?
Obi-Wan: No...
Friend #1: Or watched the TV show?
Obi-Wan: No...
Friend #1: Or played the CCG?
Obi-Wan: No...
Friend #1: Well then, how do you know if you like it?
Obi-Wan: You have a point. Well, show me how this game works!

[He sits down beside the two players and they begin to show him the basics.]


[The next day, Obi-Wan is walking around in a daze, his face buried in a Pocket Gameboy, playing... well.. you know. In his lack of attention, he barrels right into Anakin.]

Anakin: HEY! Watch where you're going, Smeghead!
Obi-Wan: [looks up] Huh... oh, sorry... [looks back down to the Gameboy and keeps plinking away.]
Anakin: [blinks a few times] What the heck are you playing that's got you so interested...

[Obi-Wan looks up, turns a little red and tries to hide the Gameboy.]

Obi-Wan: Ummm... nothing...
Anakin: C'mon... I wanna see!
Obi-Wan: No!

[Anakin smirks and grabs the Gameboy with the Force. He takes one look at the screen and breaks out into laughter.]

Anakin: POKéMON !??!!! [snicker] I can't believe you're PLAYING this.....
Obi-Wan: Go away. [Grabs the Gameboy back and walks away from Anakin, once more becoming totally immersed in the game. Anakin stares at him, then shakes his head, smirks, then walks off.]

[Melrose Naboo, Obi-Wan's room]
[Obi-Wan is sitting on his bed, sorting out the Pokémon CCG cards he has just purchased. He's muttering and counting and seperating the cards into trainer, energy and type piles.

[Mich's note: I've seen the CCG played. I've played the CCG. That's how I know.]

Anyways... yeah, that's what he's doing. His gameboy beeps for a second.

Obi-Wan: Smegging tamagochi... why couldn't you be more like Metapod?
Anakin: [outside Obi-Wan's door, in hushed tones] He's been like that for hours...it's starting to scare me.
Padmé: [just as hushed] Hours!? This is the same guy who said he'd go to the Dark Side before playing Pokémon!
Anakin: I know. Freaky, eh?

[Just then an attractive young Padawan walks over to them, carrying a small bag of card-condoms and plastic card-boxes. She looks at them oddly, before pushing her way into the room.]

Padawan: [distastefully] I brought you the card-condoms you wanted.
Obi-Wan: Thanks! Um... why are you so angry?
Padawan: Well, smeg! C'mon! How are your cards going to breed if you put condoms on them?
Obi-Wan: Um... let's play?
Padawan: [suddenly cheerful] Ok!
Anakin: The fuck !? Did you just see that?!
Padmé: It's nothing...
Anakin: They were talking about condoms! And breeding... and did you get a look at her -

[Padmé whacks Anakin.]

Padmé: Watch it, bubs....
Anakin: OW! Bbbbut...

[Padmé gives him a withering glance and he shuts up.]

Padmé: Well, what are we going to do?
Anakin: what can we do? He's already lost!

[Girlish giggling (from both parties) comes from Obi-Wan's apartment.]

Anakin: Smeg...this is bad, very bad....

[Later:]
[It has become apparent that Pokémon has taken over Obi-Wan's life. The Gang is sitting in Anakin's room, minus Obi-Wan. There's a knock on the door. Kendra walks in, looks around, then blinks.]

Kendra: Where's Obi-Wan?

[Everyone chokes on what they were eating/drinking and looks at the ceiling.]

Anakin: Um... see...
Padmé: Wellllll.....
JeSi: Erk....

[Suddenly Obi-Wan's voice is heard....]

Obi-Wan: PREPARE FOR TROUBLE!
Anakin: Oh no... not again!
Obi-Wan: AND MAKE IT DOUBLE!
Kendra: The fuck!?
Obi-Wan: TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM DEVASTATION...
Anakin: No... he is NOT doing this again...
Obi-Wan: TO UNITE ALL PEOPLE WITHIN OUR NATION...
Anakin: No...PLEASE stop, Obi!
Obi-Wan: TO DENOUNCE THE EVILS OF TRUTH AND LOVE!
Anakin: NO ! NO ! NONONONONNONONONNO!
Obi-Wan: TO EXTEND OUR REACH TO THE STARS ABOVE!
Anakin: OBI-WAN! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! PLEASE STOP!
Obi-Wan: JESSIE! JAMES! TEAM ROCKET, BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT! SURRENDER NOW, OR PREPARE TO FIGHT!

[Obi-Wan bursts into Anakin's apartment.]

Obi-Wan: MEOOWWWWWTH! THAT'S RIGHT!
Kendra: ...
Anakin: I swear! If you do that one more time, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... um... Padmé? Help me out here!
Padmé: ...
JeSi: Oooh, Meowth! Do you have a Meowth?
Obi-Wan: Of course! C'mon, I'll trade you! Do you have a Moltres?
JeSi: Lemme check...
[Exeunt JeSi, Obi. Everyone else stares after them.]

Kendra: What the smeg are they babbling about?
Anakin: You DON'T want to know...
Obi-Wan: [perikily] Pokémon!
Kendra: POKéMON !?! You're QUOTING BLOODY POKéMON!?!
Obi-Wan: Yep...
Kendra: Oy...I need a drink...

[She hastily makes her way to the fridge, grabs a 24 of whatever's stashed in there, plunks down in a chair and guzzles as only a Sith can. Obi-Wan drags JeSi off to his room to get his Gameboy. Everyone else just stares.]

Anakin: I have a really bad feeling about this...

[Padmé smacks him.]

Anakin: Ow! What the smeg was that for?!
Padmé: If I hear anyone else say that, I'm gonna go nuts!

[2 days later, Anakin staggers to Obi's apartment, needing his morning cup of coffee. He opens the door and is assulted by the color yellow. We're talking pokéfever here... it's blossomed into an obsession, there are Pikachus and posters EVERYWHERE.]

Anakin: GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

[Anakin bolts of out of the apartment and pounds on Padmé's door. She answers it in the typical morning daze.]

Padmé: What is it?
Anakin: The horror....the horror.....

[Just then, he notices a decidedly pink scheme to Padmé's room... he pushes her aside, storms into her apartment, and gapes.]

Anakin: No...
Padmé: I couldn't help it...
Anakin: No!
Padmé: Jigglypuff and Clefairy are so cute!
Anakin: NO!
Clone (Dressed as Wigglytuff) #760: Can I...
Anakin: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! [He runs out of the apartment, into his, slams his door and gasps for breath.] Evangelion...msut...watch... Evangelion.... [He fiddles with the tapes, trying to counteract the over kawaiiness the only way he knows how... Suddenly his happiness is shattered by the sounds of the Pokémon Movie soundtrack being played at full volume.]

Anakin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[He rushes top his Cd player and blasts some Rammstein at full blast.]

Anakin: YOU'RE ALL AGAINST ME! BUT I WON'T CAVE! I'LL NEVER SURRENDER! DO YOU HEAR ME!?! NEVERRRRRRRRR!

[Suddenly, silence. Anakin sighs happily and turns off the CD. There's a knocking at the door. It's Kendra, hunched over a Gameboy.]

Kendra: Hey, have you seen Obi-W -

[Anakin turns purple and starts shaking. Kendra blinks, and looks at the Gameboy.]

Kendra: Oh... it's Tetris... and why are you shaking like that? It's not that cold in here... You mean you thought... [she starts laughing] You've got to be kidding!
Anakin: Whew! For a minute I thought everyone had succumbed to... [he notices the pendant on her neck. It's a kawaii little Charmander.] WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?!
Kendra: At the Pokémart!
Anakin: THE WHAT?!
Kendra: Yeah...the Pokémart...
Anakin: Please...there's a lightsaber in my bedroom, take it and kill me with it, it'll be quicker and less painful.
Kendra: Phht, I got mine right here. [She whips out a red lightsabre. Anakin blinks.]
Anakin:I wasn't serious!
Kendra: You sure sounded it. Now stand still, I might miss and make this really bloody.
Anakin: ACK! [He slams the door shut. The lightsabre goes right through the door. Anakin can hear cursing from the other side. The lightsabre shuts off, the Gameboy noises resume, then slowly become distant.] Fwew...
[The music starts back up again.]

Anakin: Oh no you don't! [He runs over to his CD collection, pulls out one CD, cranks the stereo to full blast and hits play. The entire building is shaken by a choir singing One-winged angel.]

Anakin: Eat THAT!

[There's a lot of noise in the hallway, then the CD shuts off. There's a loud slamming of doors, then footsteps. Anakin peeks his head out into the hallway in time to see a large troupe of people walking off. They're dragging Kendra, who is cursing and protesting loudly. Anakin blinks, then decides to follow them...]

Anakin: What the HELL is going on?!

[Everyone turns around and stares at him.]

Geek: Oh, yes, he'll do!

[Everyone rushes Anakin. He panics.]

Anakin: TOUCH ME AND I'LL SMEGGING KILL YOU! YOU GOT THAT, FREAKS?

[They all back down, then run away, dropping Kendra in their frenzy. Anakin tears into his apartment, into his bedroom and grabs his lightsaber. He flicks it on, runs out again, and hold it menacingly.]

Anakin: Back off! I know how to use this!
Kendra: Ick. Pokémon freak germs. Dark Side... rising...
Anakin: I'm warning you! Get out! I watch wrestling! One more step and I'll Rock Bottom the lot of you!

[The Pokémon freaks round the hallway and burst out of MN.]

JeSi: Boy, he's grouchy today.
Obi-Wan: Yeah, who pissed in his soylent green? C'mon, let's go to the tournament. Look, I took off the card-condoms!

[Everyone cheers.]

Anakin: That...was weird...and something is VERY wrong here....
Kendra: You're telling me...
Anakin: I mean, for smeg's sake...PADMé had her place done up with Pokémon... one of her clones was dressed like a smegging FURBIE!
Kendra: Furbie? There's no furbies in Pokémon... describe?
Anakin: [shudders] Pink and evil.
Kendra: Oh, you mean Jigglypuff or Clefairy or one of their evolutions?

[Anakin's jaw starts twitching again.]

Kendra: Um... forget I said that.
Anakin: I will.
Kendra: You know... ever give any thoughts to turning to the Dark Side? You'd make a damn fine Sith Lord...

[Anakin just twitches and tries to calm down.]

Anakin: Calm blue ocean...
Kendra: Deep Blue Sea...
Anakin: What the fuck is with that anyways? What's it supposed to mean?
Kendra: To be honest, I'm not sure... but it sure riles up the Padawimps.
Anakin: Oh... [he resumes trying to calm down. Key word here being "trying." Kendra's celphone rings. She answers and starts talking in another language.]
Kendra: Gotta run. Top secret evil Sith stuff. Later.

[Exit Kendra.]

[One week later. There is no Pokémon anything to be seen. Instead, there's a weird looking doll? People are bawling their eyes out at having spent money on Pokémon. People have jumped off balconies, fallen out of helecopters...]

Obi-Wan: No... the humanity!
Padmé: There there... [pats him on the back]
Obi-Wan: How could I have?
Padmé: It's alright.
Obi-Wan: I swore I'd turn to the Dark Side before I'd play Pokémon!
Padmé: It was an accident...

[Anakin enters.]

Anakin: He's still choked up about it?
Padmé: Yup. Did you get any money?
Anakin: Hell no! I had to pay THEM to make them take the bloody cards. Everyone's into this weird doll thing now. It's called "Gus Guts" and you can take out its internal organs and they're all stuffed and soft..? [He stops when he realizes that Padmé is staring at him.] What?
Padmé: Well, that's what happens when you buy into a fad. You lose out in the end, big time.

[Kendra strolls in. She's wearing an armani suit, talking into three celphones at once, wearing expensive jewelry, and carrying a brand new solid gold lightsabre. She seems to scintillate blindingly in the wan light coming in through the window.]

Anakin & Padmé: AUGH! TURN IT DOWN!
Obi-Wan: Sob!
Anakin: Someone got their paycheque...
Kendra: Just cashing in on a fad!

[All three look up at her.]

Padmé: You mean...
Obi-Wan: ... that Pokémon...
Anakin: ... was created by the Dark Side Guys?!
Kendra: Yeah...
Padmé: That explains everything!
Kendra: And now we're cashing in on those stupid gut dolls! People are as stupid as ever!

[Everyone turns to see Anakin talking excitedly on the phone.]

Anakin: Yeah, I want the realistic beating heart doll, and the one with correctly coloured organs... hey... what are you guys looking at?

THE END

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