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Qui-Gon: Say, Yoda, when will you pay for the cable?
Yoda: ... soon.
Qui-Gon: I hope so. My students are getting bored. Trust me, you
don't want to see them bored.
Yoda: To my apartment you will send them. Entertain them I will.
Qui-Gon: Thank you.
Anakin: Yoda wants to see us?
Obi-Wan: That's what Master Qui-Gon said.
Padmé: Then how come he wants to see mke? I'm not some Jedi. It's bad
enough I had to barbecue.
Obi-Wan: Maybe he wants us to pay rent again.
[They reach Yoda's. The diminutive Jedi Master opens the door.]
Yoda: Come in you may. Entertain you I will!
[The Gang look at each other.]
Padmé: Entertain?
Obi-Wan: I've got a bad feeling about this.
[The Gang slowly enters Yoda's lavish apartment. It's... well... posh. And extremely modern. Yoda is standing over by a door, beckoning to them.]
Yoda: In here you will go. Play games.
Anakin: You have a computer?!
Yoda: Bet your sweet ass, you'd better! 64 megabytes of RAM it has!
Obi-Wan: Wow! [rushes over to the comp, then starts clicking
the mouse around] What speed's this puppy?
Yoda: Pentium III...
[Anakin and Padmé watch the two Jedi technobabble at each other, confused.]
Yoda: Games I have. Well... game I have. Riven. Play it you will.
[Anakin picks up the box.]
Anakin: Riven? Um... doncha have some more... fast-paced games?
[He looks at the CD covers. He gulps and hurriedly puts them down.]
Yoda: I sense much fear in you.
[Obi-Wan picks the CDs up, then yelps and shivers.]
Obi-Wan: I WANT MY BWANKIE!!!
Padmé: Lemme see... AAACK!
[Yoda shakes his head and walks out.]
Anakin: Well, what are you waiting for, Kenobi? Let's play this
"game."
Obi-Wan: Bwankie...
Anakin: Dammit, you big baby, start playing.
[Obi-Wan gulps, and starts the game. A little window pops up saying "Please insert Riven disc #2."]
Obi-Wan: I'm not touching those CDs!
Anakin: Don't look at me.
Padmé: I'm the Queen of Naboo! I don't have to do anything!
[Everyone glares at everyone else. After a few moments of staredown, Anakin snorts, reluctantly picks up a CD and sticks it into the CD player. A screen pops up. Obi-Wan yelps.]
Anakin: Really, we're scared of a box. It's just a game.
[The three glance at each other. Anakin shoves Obi-Wan into the chair.]
Anakin: You play. We'll, um... watch.
[The lights go out. All three scream.]
Yoda: Atmosphere you must have. Conserve power I must!
Obi-Wan: Bwankie...
Padmé: ... just a game... just a game...
[They sit through the opening ads, and things are starting to calm down. Then, a screen comes up with this guy sitting behind a desk, with a big book open in front of him. He starts talking.]
Anakin: Who is that? What's he talking about? What's going on?
Obi-Wan: Shhhh! I'm trying to listen.
Padmé: Hey... he's sorta hot!
[Anakin and Obi-Wan turn to stare at her.]
Obi-Wan: it's just a game, remember?
Padmé: Oh yeah, who was crying for his Bwankie just a couple minutes
ago?
[The Jedi turns back to the game. Padmé grins triumphantly. Obi-Wan protectively pulls on his braid and sulks.]
Anakin: This guy talks too much.
Obi-Wan: Will you shut up? He's prolly saying important stuff!
[Then, they abruptly find themselves in a jail-type-thing. Some guy is babbling at them.]
Anakin: What? What's he saying? This game sucks!
Obi-Wan: Tagema tagoa? Huh?
Padmé: That sonofabitch stole our book!
Anakin: We had a book?
Obi-Wan: ...
[Suddenly the guy falls over, dropping the book.]
Padmé: Quick, go pick it up!
Obi-Wan: Um... see, well, we're in jail? Plus there's no cursor
or anything...
Anakin: Who's that? [points at screen]
[Another guy has come. He grabs the first guy's body, and drags him away. Then he picks up the book, and goes over to a lever. He pushes the lever, then hammers something into it so it stays put. The jail cell door opens.]
Anakin: Can we play yet?
Obi-Wan: Hold on!
[Finally the movie-animations are over. Obi-Wan begins to click around. It soon becomes obvious that this is a game that requires thinking. Anakin quickly becomes bored, Padmé is mildly interested, and Obi-Wan is in his element. He clicks about, solving the Gateroom puzzle.]
Padmé: Where's that creepy guy, the one on the CD covers?
Obi-Wan: I don't wanna know. He'll prolly show up later. Hey, this
is a cool game. It's got really neat... rooms.
[When Anakin wakes up from his nap, he sees... well, not a lot. It's night outside, and Padmé has fallen asleep on his shoulder. He looks at Obi-Wan, who is contentedly clicking around. He is cursing under his breath. Then suddenly a big golden door opens up right in front of him. Inside is an altar-type thing, and a large spherical cage. Inside the cage is the holographic image of a face. It looks at them, LOOKS, like whoever is behind it is making eye contact. Anakin feels a chill run up his spine. Obi-Wan wimpers. Padmé yawns and wakes up. And jumps.]
Padmé:AUGH!! It's that guy!!
Obi-Wan: He's been stalking me... I think he's trying to kill me...
Padmé: Who is he?
Obi-Wan: His name's Gehn.
Anakin: Gehn's gonna kill us...
Obi-Wan: ... he's stalking me, an' there's these guys with big knives
that are against him, an' one time I went up a path and there was this kid,
an' it scared the crap outta me, an'... [it's obvious that the creepiness
is getting to the Jedi] ... there's this big fish that looks really
scary an'... an'... an'... I WANT MY BWANKIE!!!
[Anakin gets up and runs out of the apartment. He returns with Obi-Wan's blankie and his own. Obi-Wan jumps up, shouting "BWANKIE!" Anakin wraps his own around Padmé and cuddles up.]
Obi-Wan: Bwankie! Bwankie! Ha-ha, Gehn, now you're in trouble!!
[The Jedi's cheerful banter slowly lulls his friends to sleep again. They have unusual dreams, no doubt fueled by the little Padawan's ceaseless babble. It's 8:00am when they wake up to hear:]
Obi-Wan: ... I'M GONNA DIE!!!
Padmé: What's wrong, Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: I'm in this fire-marble dome, and I got the books to work,
but I don't wanna go in because Gehn's in there, but I have to go in because
there's nothing else to do! [shivers] Gehn's gonna kill me!!!
Anakin: [refreshed from sleep] Kenobi, you wussy little
Padawan, don't make me get Yoda in here to give you the spiel...
[Obi-Wan gulps, then clicks on the book. Its black window suddenly bursts into colour - red, mainly. He clicks again, and suddenly...]
Anakin: AAAAUGH!
Padmé: Wow... you must have jumped at least six feet into the air!
Anakin: What... was... that...
Obi-Wan: Oh, just the CD drive wanting disc 5.
Anakin: Gehn's gonna kill us... Gehn's gonna kill us...
Obi-Wan: Welcome to my hell.
[The game begins again. It's a strange room. Obi-Wan reluctantly starts poking stuff. He hits a button. The Gang sees a guy walk up.]
Padmé: Smeg.
Obi-Wan: AUGH! NO!!
Anakin: ... us... Gehn's gonna...
[Anakin feels faint. Suddenly everything goes black...]
Padmé: Wow! That was... amazing!
Obi-Wan: I know! The game was... well... I almost shit myself, I
cursed a blue streak, I sat around bored, I got on a roll... but the end
was soooo worth it!
Anakin: WHAT?! You WRAPPED IT?!
Padmé: Yeah, didn't you notice?
Anakin: I was unconscious!
Obi-Wan: Dude... you... A-HA-HA! You missed it!
Anakin: Uh... I... aw, shit! Was it cool?
Obi-Wan: Was it? It was the most incredible thing I ever saw!
Padmé: how could you pass out? I mean, really!
Anakin: You guys didn't even notice? I coulda... choked on my tongue
or something. Well, dammit, Kenobi, you're just gonna have to wrap it
again!
[Obi-Wan pales.]
Obi-Wan: Um? Well, I...
Anakin: Just do it!
Obi-Wan: Sorry, I can't, I... um... have to... um... help JeSi with
his homework! Yeah, that's it - ACK!
[Anakin forces Obi-Wan back into the chair.]
Anakin: Just wrap the bloody game again!
[Yoda comes out, blinking sleepily.]
Yoda: Still here, you are? 3:00am it is! Go home you must!
Anakin: NO! I have to see the end!
Yoda: I sense much fear in you.
Padmé: Ani, we've been here for almost three days! It's time to go
home.
[Obi-Wan gets up, clutching at his blankie. He starts to leave. Anakin grabs his braid and pulls, dragging the Padawan back into the room.]
Obi-Wan: Dammit, Anakin! Let's go! I have to go to classes and
stuff!
Anakin: Oh no, you're not.
Yoda: Classes you must attend. Go young Jedi.
[Obi-Wan runs away, his blankie flapping.]
Padmé: Too bad, Ani. It was such a kickass ending too. [She leaves.]
Anakin: Smeg! Smegging room! What the smeg? How'd that idiot Jedi figure this out so fast? ARGH!!!
[Yoda laughs to himself, then goes back to his breakfast. It's gonna be a loooong day...]
