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Padmé: Anakin? What are you doing in here?
Anakin: My apartment's too messy.
Padmé: Um... why don't you clean it up then?
Anakin: Later.
[It's obvious that he's too engrossed in his reading to listen to Padmé.]
Padmé: What's that you're reading, that's got all your attention?
Anakin: Kenobi's diary...
[Padmé looks at Anakin in shock.]
Padmé: You're reading Obi-Wan's diary?
Anakin: Yeah. Makes some pretty good reading.
Padmé: Have you no respect for the man's privacy?
Anakin: You're just jealous I found it first.
[Padmé looks shocked again. Then sighs.]
Padmé: Anything good?
Anakin: This one's all about his life during basic Jedi training.
All that Median Strip stuff.
Padmé: Let's hear some of it. Just the good bits.
Anakin: Good bits... hm... [flips through the diary a bit]
Well... let's see... oh, here. This is from one of his classes...
Master Mah-Key: Ok, class. Take your seats. Today we're going to
have a very special lecture about the Dark Side, mmkay?
Terrin: Boo.
Master Mah-Key: Now, now, who was that? That is not appropriate
behavior, mmkay?
Terrin: I'm sorry Master Mah-key, mmkay?
Master Mah-Key: Uh, that's ok, just don't let it happen again.
Obi-Wan:We won't let it happen again Master Mah-Key, mmkay?
[The whole class laughs.]
Master Mah-Key: Ok, ok, that's fine.
Callista: Mmkay?
Master Mah-Key: Ok.
[The class laughs again.]
Master Mah-Key:Now, uh, as your teacher, I'm here to tell you about the Dark Side, and why it's bad, mmkay? So, first of all, uh, the Dark Side's bad. You shouldn't go to the Dark Side. And, uh, Dark Side Guys are bad. You shouldn't get pal-y with them. And, uh, as for using the Dark Side, well, using the Dark Side's bad. You shouldn't use the Dark Side. Ok, that about wraps up my introduction. Now, uh, are there any questions?
[Terrin raises his hand.]
Master Mah-Key: Yes, Terrin?
Terrin: Why do we have to wear these lame-ass robes all the time?
Master Mah-Key: Uh, well, I'm not sure.
Terrin: Oh.
Master Mah-Key: Now, uh, let's focus our discussion first on Dark
Side Guys. Dark Side Guys are bad. They give off a very distinct pattern
in the Force, mmkay? I'm gonna pass around this Dark Side Guy lightsabre,
and I want you all to feel the Force pattern so you know when a Dark Side
Guy is near you. Mmkay, feel the Force, pass it on, and when it gets back
to me we'll finish talking about it. In the meantime, I want to get into
the Dark Side a little, mmkay? The Dark Side is bad, mmkay? If you go to
the Dark Side you should uh...
Obi-Wan: Hey, are you going to Kendra's party this weekend?
Terrin: I think you have a thing for her, you're always going to her
parties and stuff.
Obi-Wan: No I don't! She's my friend! And a Sith.
Callista: No no, remember, "There are no Sith." [smirks]
Obi-Wan: Yeah, yeah. There's going to be lots of food, and good
music.
Callista: Oh, kickass. Maybe I'll go.
Master Mah-Key: ... and so, uh, that's why the Dark Side is bad. Uh,
has that lightsabre made it back up here yet? No, oh, oh, mmkay. Let's talk
about using the Dark Side. Uh, class, using the Dark Side is, is bad. It's
use was made famous by the Dark Side Masters, who no longer exist.
Terrin: Hey, are we supposed to bring stuff to the party?
Obi-Wan: Um, I'm not sure.
Terrin: You'd better find out.
Master Mah-Key: Boys, are you paying attention?
Terrin: Sorry Master Mah-key, mmkay?
Master Mah-Key: Mmkay. Now class, has that lightsabre made it around
yet?
[The class is silent.]
Master Mah-Key: Uh, who, who has the lightsabre now?
[The class is silent.]
Master Mah-Key: Oh, oh, okay, whoev, whoever has the lightsabre, just pass it up to the front row, mmkay?
[The class is silent.]
Master Mah-Key: Uhoh.
Anakin: What?!
Padmé: That was "a good bit?" Damn, his parents raised him straighter
than I thought was even possible!
Anakin: No, no... [flips through the diary quickly] There's
some good stuff in here... where was that... oh! Here! Listen to this:
I'd never been invited to a party before, but how could I resist
Kendra's invitation? Of course my parents had made sure I'd never gotten
drunk before or even tried alcohol. So things were a little bit rocky...
Obi-Wan:You guys are my best friends, through thick and thin we've always been together. We're four of a kind having fun all day, pallin' around and laughin' away. Just best friends, Best friends are weeee! [Stops singing] I love you guys.
[The Sith look at each other, then start beating the Jedi up.]
Padmé: He's still like that even!
Anakin: Yeah. Woe betide any Sith that come to Chewie's!
[They look at each other and burst into laughter again.]
Padmé: Anything else?
Anakin: Just a sec...[flips thru the diary again] Ah!
Another class, I think...
Mace Windu: And now muthafuckers, our friend, Mr. Sabre, is going to tell us about Senator Palpatine.
[Windu does Mr. Sabre's voice.]
Mr. Sabre (Windu): That's right, Master Windu. Senator Palpatine... discovered
Naboo and was the Gungans' best friend. He helped the Gungans win their war
against the Trade Federation and and... ah... and freed the slaves from
Tatooine and discovered Coruscant...
Obi-Wan: Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid
Master, I'll get back to the Median Strip and he'll start yelling "Where
have you been, Obi-Wan?" "You weren't hanging out with those Dark Side Guys,
Obi-Wan?" ...
Terrin: Okay, okay, ditch school and go help him.
Obi-Wan: ... "You know you can't think on your own, Obi-Wan!"
"Use the Force, Obi-Wan!!" "Where has that lightsabre been, Obi-Wan!!"
Terrin: Wizard!
Mace Windu: Is there a problem, muthafuckers?
Obi-Wan: Yes, Master Windu, I have to go now.
Mace Windu: Oh, really, Obi-Wan? What is it this time?
Another lighsabre cut?
Obi-Wan: No, my Master needs me right away. [a beat]
It's true! Ask Callista, her Master needed her too!
Callista: Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's nothing. Heh, heh.
[Obi-Wan walks up to Windu's desk.]
Obi-Wan: Master Windu, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be
excused from class?
Mace Windu: I don't know, Obi-Wan. Did you ask Mr. Sabre?
Obi-Wan: I don't want to ask Mr. Sabre, I'm asking you!
Mace Windu: Oh I think you should ask Mr. Sabre.
Obi-Wan: Mr. Sabre, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Sabre (Windu): Well, Obi-Wan... no!! No, No, No!
I'm Mr. Sabre and you're, you're a little Gungan! You hear me?!? You go to
Naboo! You go to Naboo and you die!
Mace Windu: Hmm, I guess you'll have to take your seat, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: Damn it!
Mace Windu: Ok Mr. Sabre, why don't we talk to the muthafuckers about
Yoda's hernia? ...Mr. Sabre? Oh great, now Mr. Sabre's all pissed off!
Obi-Wan: Screw Mr. Sabre.
Mace Windu: No no no, Screw You.
Callista: Hah, hah. Mr. Sabre yelled at you!
Anakin: I knew that Windu was off his rocker...
Padmé: I wonder where "Mr. Sabre" is now?
Anakin: Somehow I don't want to think about any of the Council
using lightsabres for any reason. [Shudders]
Padmé: Come on! There's gotta be more in there!
Anakin: I'm looking! I'm looking...aha! Listen: It was MC-
Padmé: What's MC?
Anakin: They're drugs. Jedi drugs. I think the name's supposed to be
from "midichlorians" or something. Anyways. It was MC. And he framed
me for having them. Oh, but he didn't. They knew I was innocent. And
all the Wavie-waving one can do isn't going to resolve this. I need
revenge and I need it now. I'm not supposed to be angry. Now I see how
easy it is to turn to the Dark Side... I wonder if Kendra had the right
idea. I need to talk to her. No one else can help me...
Raze: Get the door, Jedi scum!
Obi-Wan: Shut your hole, you smegging twank! [jumps off the top
bunk and goes over to the door. It's Kendra.]
Obi-Wan: [whispered] Are you gonna...
Kendra: Yes, yes, don't worry. You distract him, I'll... [makes
placing motions with her hands]
Obi-Wan: Ok, thanks... I owe you big for this one, Kendra...
Kendra: Oh, I know... [evil glint] Don't worry your little
Padawn braid over it. I'll let you know when I'm ready to call this
favour. Now get to work!
[He leads Kendra into the room. All of his stuff is nice and clean, while Raze's areas of the room are very messy. Kendra grins to herself, finding Obi-Wan's living with Raze to be quite a contradiction, since Obi-Wan, being a Jedi, is nice and clean, while Raze is quite mean and slovenly.]
Obi-Wan: Hey twank, get over here, I wanna talk to you.
Raze: What is it?
Obi-Wan: Get off your lazy ass and get over here!
Raze: Or what? You'll Mind Trick me?
Obi-Wan: You will get your lazy ass over here! [waves hand]
Raze: I will get my lazy ass over there.
[Raze gets up and walks over to Obi-Wan, who asks him his opinion on robe colours, and the balance of the Force, and anything he can think of. Kendra tiptoes over to Raze's abandoned Pepsi and taps several MC tablets into it. She gives Obi-Wan the Sith One-Fingered Salute and walks out of the room.]
Obi-Wan: ...so you see, ammonia truly is its own best friend!
Raze: Smeg, you suck, Kenobi! Is that all?
Obi-Wan: Um... more or less, yes.
Raze: [snorts] Jedi. [He sits back down on his bunk and
takes a big swig of his Dark Side in a Can. He notices the Jedi staring at
him.] What are you looking at?
Obi-Wan: Not much... a twank, and a smeghead. [He jumps onto his
bunk again and lays down.]
Raze: Are you still all upset about the MC?
Obi-Wan: Upset? Oh no no no I'm not upset at all! I never really was
upset, Jedi don't get mad.
Raze: You seemed pretty mad to me, Kenobi.
Obi-Wan: I was perfectly fine, Raze.
Raze: Even when you tried to stick that lightsabre of yours up my
nose?
Obi-Wan: There was a bug on your face! I was going to swat it!
Raze: Reeeaaaallly? [He grins] You've got some future ahead of
you... you just need to get a handle on your anger...
Obi-Wan: Can it, twank.
[There's another knock on the door.]
Obi-Wan: Come in.
Raze: Lazy-ass Jedi.
Obi-Wan: Twank.
[Terrin enters the small room. He looks up at Obi-Wan.]
Terrin: Obi-Wan... how's your paper coming?
[Raze sits up. He doesn't look very good. Suddenly, he turns and looks into the hallway. He hears singing.]
Voices: [Singing] Time to go to work, work all night. Gotta
get ice cream we...
Obi-Wan: Mine's coming along fine, Terrin. Don't tell me you're
having trouble. With this?
Raze: What the... [In from the hallway has come a small flock of miniature purple
penguins! They're the ones who are singing. Raze stares at them in
shock.] WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE?!
Terrin: Hey... I can't write good papers. I'm better at all the
climbing and jumping and stuff. Can I borrow yours?
Penguins: [Singing] We won't stop until we have ice cream. Lots of
yummy ice cream!
Obi-Wan: Terrin, no! Remember last time I let you copy one of my
papers? Yoda gave us detention! I am NOT organizing his rock garden again!
Terrin: But Obi...
Penguins: Time to go to work, work all night. Gotta get ice cream we.
We won't stop until we have ice cream. Lots of yummy ice cream...
[Raze watches in horror as the penguins stop at the refrigerator. They climb up on each others' shoulders until the last one reaches the freezer. It opens the freezer door and starts throwing the ice cream down.]
Raze: WAH!
[The penguins take the ice cream and walk away]
Raze:You guys look! Look! You're missing it!
[Obi-Wan is lecturing Terrin still.]
Penguins: Time to go to work, work all night. Gotta get ice cream we. We
won't stop until we have ice cream. Lots of yummy ice cream.
Raze: Ahh! They took the ice cream!
Terrin: Fine, I'll just go ask Callista.
Obi-Wan: Yeah, you do that... she'll make you "pay" for it though.
[Terrin leaves.]
Raze: Why are they torturing me like this?! Why can't they leave me
alone?!
Obi-Wan: Dammit, what the hell is wrong with you, Raze?
Raze: They took the ice cream... soon they'll want my blood.
Blood! Ahh!
[Raze stands up, then passes out.]
[The door clicks open. Anakin and Padmé stop, frightened.]
Padmé: I locked it when we started...
Anakin: SHIT! He's home! [tosses the diary at Padmé]
Padmé: What the hell are you giving this to me for? [tosses it
back]
[They throw the diary back and forth until the door starts to open. Padmé tosses it behind the couch. She and Anakin sit on the couch properly, and pretend to be ending a conversation.]
Anakin: ... so you see, ammonia truly is its own best friend!
Padmé: You've got me convinced.
Obi-Wan: Hello? I heard voices.
Padmé: Hey Obi-Wan!
Anakin: [grinning evilly] Hey Darth Papercut! [Padmé
elbows him in the ribs] Ow! I mean, Pimple Ass... I mean... aw, forget it!
[Obi-Wan looks at him oddly, but continues on his way into the kitchen to drop off some groceries.]
Obi-Wan: Anyone want to join me in a bowl of ice cream? [Anakin
and Padmé burst into laughter. He stares at them.] Ok, I take it not.
Come on guys, what's going on here? What have you two been up to?
Padmé: Nothing! We were just...
Anakin: I mean...
[They look at each other.]
Padmé: He was in here because he didn't want to be in that cesspool
he calls a room. I came in here looking for him. That's all.
Anakin: Yeah, we've just been talking, and reading your... uh...
coffee-table books! [He looks at the previously mentioned books, and
sees boring Jedi titles. He curses under his breath]
Obi-Wan: Oh, you read that ammonia article too? That reminds me of
my days in the Median Strip, when...
[He watches in confusion as Anakin and Padmé burst into laughter. They stumble out of his apartment clutching at each other for support. He stands in the doorway and watches as they collapse in the middle of the hallway laughing helplessly, then shakes his head and closes his door.]
Obi-Wan: Hm... Darth Papercut. That sounds familiar...
[He goes about straightening the couch cushions, when he notices something sticking out from under the couch. He frowns, and retrieves it. It's a small leather-bound book. It looks familiar... like...]
Obi-Wan: My diary? [Suddenly it comes to him] YOU ARE SO DEAD MEAT, SKYWALKER!!!
[His only answer is laughter coming from the hallway. He puts the diary down, then storms out of his apartment...]
