No Place to Call My Own Suggestions?
There are several unexpected results of being on my own without a place that is actually MINE... (aside from the general lack of direction -- see compass above for reference.) This comes at the end of a strange chain of events. I raised my son alone, and when he became ill a few years ago, I stayed with him and stopped traveling to work. Local clients were few and far between, and my life was changing faster than I could keep up. Even though I kept current on his medical bills and pharmacy, our other expenses were divided between credit cards and the generosity of family, until finally, he was accepted into a good, small, private university with an excellent medical school and student insurance that could take care of his physical problems and still let him follow his path in engineering -- all on exceptional grants, financial aide, scholarships and the usual student loans. In the meantime, I declared bankruptcy, sold my home, and have moved in with family until I can get some of this financial mess straightened out. But all of that is actually rather matter-of-fact, since there never seemed to be much choice. There was no one else to stay with him when he was sickest, and he needed me. I applied for jobs locally one after the other and was repeatedly called back for second, third, and even fourth interviews -- only to have the jobs go to someone else. I worked as a temporary secretary for 10.00 and hour, and a management consultant for 100.00 - 150.00 an hour -- sometimes in the same day. But not enough hours of either kind. I stayed current on my bills until the day all the money from savings and my son's college fund ran completely out, thinking that a steady job was somewhere just around the next corner. Given the same circumstances, the only thing I might do differently is declare bankruptcy earlier and sell my house sooner instead of trying to hold on to it -- maybe as soon as my son left for college. But at the time the real estate market was tight and dry, so even that might not have helped. So -- all in all, there's not much surprise that I am where I am. I did the right things at every turn -- there were just lots and lots of turns. The surprise is in the strange side effects of going from being head of my own household, a single mother, raising a son.... to being a woman living on her own (though not very successfully)... to this point where I am now living in my mother's guest bedroom with boxes of important or temperature sensitive things stacked against the wall, and other storage out of sight. All my things are in boxes. The only things actually within reach are my computer, my CDs, and my clothes. Of 4000 books, I have 8 in the house. Of my kitchen, only the food managed to make it inside. Everything else is completely out of sight, if not out of mind. But the thing I miss most is the solitude. Because my mother is an artist and art teacher, there are classes here 6 times a week. The only times she leaves are to go to church, the market, or occasionally to a club meeting or seminar with her artist friends. I leave to do substitute teaching with the local school district. The rest of the time -- there are two of us in the house, and it is not my house. To stay out of the way, I basically spend 98% of my time in my bedroom with the door closed. That lack of real solitude is the most difficult thing to get accustomed to. There is no place to go and meditate. In my own house, I could set the answering machine to take all calls and turn off the ring. I could go to a cool room and sit in the middle of the floor and close my eyes and find answers. I could come and go without thinking if anyone knew where I was or when I would return. I could turn on the stereo and dance naked through the house and nobody knew the difference. And that was a good way to live. No doubt -- solitude is something my mom has also lost. But without that chance at complete peace and solitude for the last couple of months, I find I have difficulty finding my own way or focusing. I don't have a clue where to go next or what to do when I get there. There is also that realization of what could have been -- certainly, without my family and friends, I'd have been out on the street with nothing but bits I could carry from place to place, and totally dependent on public services for my son's medical needs. Aside from the obvious problems with homelessness, I now find sympathy for those who don't have a room or a place where they can sit quietly without being disturbed. There is great luxury in the opportunity to consider and think and to take a pensive moment alone, with complete confidence and the ability to let your guard down. I'm sure there are a lot of people living in the open who have their solitude -- but without a roof over your head and a lock on the door, it must be very difficult to ever completely relax and have a moment without fear. There but for the grace of God, go I.
all reasonable suggestions will be considered....
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Copyright (C) 1999, Lynn Maupin Webb http://www.fortunecity.com/lavendar/ducksoup/555 Reproduction or distribution in any form of material contained in this site without credit to Lynn Maupin Webb and reference to this email address is strictly prohibited. L.M. Webb can be emailed at purciful@yahoo.com
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