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Jack O'Neill looked at her attentively. He didn't like what he saw. It wasn't the Carter he knew. Not that strong resisting sufferings Captain who kept calling him 'sir' of pure duty, as a soldier. O'Neill always knew, though, that the 'sir' involved much more warmth and friendship that when she was saying the seemingly same 'sir' to, say, Maybourne. But now O'Neill noticed Sam wasn't looking where she should at all and that she barely controlled herself. He hoped she'd endure that. Because he didn't think she could pretend that well.
Daniel Jackson didn't detect any tears on his friend's cheeks but judging by her look you could think Sam was really crying. The reason was sufficient. Even though he understood Sam, he still knew she had to fight it. There was too much at stake and she meant too much for the SGC. She mustn't go into pieces, he thought.
George Hammond met Samantha Carter as a strong and determined woman. That's how Jacob Carter dealineated her to him. Jake has always been talking of her with pride, even if he never ceased in his attempts to find her a job with NASA. Eventually he managed to and general's attempts to talk him out of it were utterly unsuccessful and that probably had its detrimental share in depression that Capt. Carter fell into the previous day. Hammond remembered the relief he saw on Sam Carter's face when her father when her father went back through the Gate along with the Tok'Ra, although that relief was obviously mixed with strong anxiety. What a sacrifice! Hammond wasn't sure if he'd ever do anything as daring as this, if he'd have enough courage. Taking Jacob through the Gate and offering him life in exchange for being a host to a Tok'Ra. Isn't such a deed real marking of love for a father?
That was why Hammond, seeing her relief, hated so much the thought of having to tell her something he knew she wouldn't like. He did it even before she managed to think about it. He didn't know whether it was right or not. Maybe it was callous to attack her with the news like that. Maybe he should've let her become aware of that herself. After all, she would after a short time. People never used to vanish from Earth just like that. Sam has often been thinking of her brother in San Diego, Robert Carter. They couldn't let anyone whenever get to know that some Earthling has gone through an alien artefact to another planet. Officially the Gate didn't exist. So there was only one option, Jacob Carter's funeral needed to be arranged. And that's why they gathered here at the San Diego cemetery.
The priest finished speaking. Sam aproached the coffin weak-kneedly. It was mostly covered with ground now. Still, the plaque reading Jacob Evan Carter was visible even at present. The letters in front of her eyes got hazy. People started nearing the hole and throwing flowers. All of a sudden, Sam felt a touch of somebody's hand on her arm. She turned to the person automatically. At her was looking a tall blonde man with brown eyes. Robert. She couldnít stand his look. It was too frank. She turned her head back again. Nooks and corners of her consciousness realized she was on the verge of breakdown. She glanced at the people surrounding her and Robert. She knew all of them, sometimes well, sometimes not so well but she knew them. And she was lying to all of them. She wanted to get away, hide somewhere where she would be able to forget about she was doing at least for awhile. How could she dare do something like that to her own brother?
"Sammy!" she heard as if from a far away place, thought it was Robert, who was standing not more than a metre away from her, who was saying the words. But it was too late. For a moment she hoped her brother would hug her, comfort her, but the thought struck her a ghastly a moment later. How could she ask him for anything after what she's done? If he knew what it was . . .
A tear, at first a single one, then one after another, bedewed her cheeks. Automatically, she clasped her brother's hand which was still resting on her arm. "I know, Sammy, I know... Shhhh." Robert's arms encompassed her, allowing her to cry out. "I know..." For a moment Sam remained trembling with convulsions of wail. But at last she realized what was happening. 'No!" Robert took that sign of fear for an expression of pain and grief after their father's death. He felt similarly. Sam noticed red eyes of her brother's and felt extremely weak. His eyes widened when he saw his sister's legs were giving way.
"Sammy!" he screamed with fear. If he hadn't supported her, she would've fallen down. "Sammy!" he repeated but she didn't react. The priest's placid eyes were set on both of them, anxiety conspicuous in them. "I have to lay her somewhere where she can rest." The sad array of people started looking around for an appropriate place nearby. Someone pointed at a green bench about 20 yards away, shadowed by a high pine tree. Robert lifted Sam, took her on his hands and brought there. It wasn't difficult. She was always light. Jack, Daniel and Hammond exchanged uneasy glances.
Robert was surprised, to say the least. He knew his sister loved their father more than himself but she has always been so strong. He'd supposed it was difficult for her but not that difficult. She was still absent when he lay her on the bench. He put his suit, which he had rolled up into a pillow, under her head. He knelt beside her.
The priest went back to talking. Robert thought every father could dream of having such a loving daughter. He was at his wits end, he felt sorrow for his father as well but at the same time he was able to fight it. To put it bluntly, he remained rational.
He touched his sister's wrist to feel fast pulse. Only now did he take notice of how awfully pale she was. She had cold hands, too. He brushed her cheek, it, on the other hand, was intensely hot. He was waiting for Sam to open her eyes. When it finally happened, he threw her an uplifting smile. He didn't know if it would be enough even in half. She was weakened and it was obvious.
"Lie here. I know what you feel." He had a feeling of reliving their childhood. He was 6 years older than she was and he remembered how he used to take care of her then. He was like a father to her in those days. Sam shook her head in denial. He supposed after all this she was in shock and wouldn't believe it could be better. At least not now. She withdrew her wrist from his hand. She was ashamed of herself. The sign of her weakness was fortunately taken for the sorrow for her father. Next lie, though inadverent. Will she ever be able to disentangle from that? She gave a faint moan and Robert bent over her at once. She smiled at him feebly trying to make him think she was all right.
In attempts to evade him gaze, her eyes reached her SG-1 friends and the general talking to each other in whispers. Their faces were definitely worried. To faint during a funeral of a father who hasn't died, she thought. That's probably something that doesn't happen too often.
Robert, being wary, rose to his feet and approached the group. Among the people he caught sight of Jane and his little Tony and Bev. He found concern on Jane's face, and surprise, too. Jane never knew Sammy too well, they have seen each other only a few times before, but Miss Carter made an impression on her of a rather strong woman. Full of feeling but strong.
Robert was afraid of the old ladier in the group starting to wail, of them saying how sad it was, how unhappy Sammy was and so on. It would definitely not make her feel better, he thought. Fortunately, he managed to convince the major part of the guests to go to the wake now. Jane said she'd wait for him in the car. Before going Jane gently squeezed his arm.
When he turned back to Sammy, he found out that he had managed to convince everyone except for three men. He has never seen them before but they must've been good friends with his sister as they were really shocked. Sam had managed to introduce them to him as her friends from her work at the telemetry. Jacob also had been mentioning them once in awhile.
"Excuse me," Robert said. 'I think we should go to the car." The three men moved aside muttering words of apology. Robert bent down to help Sam up but she got ahead of him and raised herself. She leaned against the back of the bench. "I'll be alright." She wasn't sure if it didn't sound too rough, so she tried to smile with her eyes. Robert thought it'd be better if he didn't press her now. Maybe she'll gain some strength if she forces herself to some effort, he thought. She got up, although her feet were trembling a little, but she walked on her own. "Sam, you all right?" "Not exactly, but I'm holding on, Colonel."
Robert offered her his arm but she rejected it. They reached the cars near the street, and the three military men approached their vehicle in silence. "Do you know where the wake is?" Robert addressed them closing the door of his Ford after Sam had come inside. Jane, Tony and Bev were already sitting in the back of the car. "Weíll follow you to be more sure," the fattest of the men replied.
* * * * * *
Sam was thinking the wake would never end. Some people were approaching her, she even knew some of them quite well. She thanked for the condolences to everyone. From time to time she was glancing at Robert, who, what was obvious, was worried and sad.
Colours on her face were back and she was a little more sure of herself. But she still felt this huge ball in her throat, feeling she was lying, cheating not only Robert but also all these people. She wondered how Daniel or Jack felt. They must've realized the nastiness of all this.
It has to be this way. Military duty. Top secret. For a moment no one was near her. The picture in fron of her eyes got blurred when she thought of her father somewhere there, on a different planet, alive. What would he think about that? When she was taking him to the Tok'Ra planet, she didn't think of Robert. She was so afraid to lose Dad. But was it a sufficient excuse? Was her father's life enough to excuse the lies to Robert, Jane and their friends? On the one hand maybe it was, what is more important than life? On the other hand... She felt a shiver go down her spine. She couldn't stop her body from trembling. The cup she was holding in her hands fell on a white cloth covering the table. Drops were dripping one after another. . .
She crossed her arms on her chest trying to calm herself down. But Robert was already beside her. He must've kept his eye on her. He noticed her unsteady breath. "Easy, sis, it'll be all right," he said reassuringly. A delicate massage of her back helped her regain balance. If these people just didn't look this way. As if they knew. "I'm better now," she whispered. "Sammy," he said when the guests went back to their conversations, "I want you to stay here in San Diego for awhile." She had regained balance to the extent that she could try to evade it.
"Thanks, Rob, but I should get back to Colorado." She overtook his 'but' by adding, "Jack and Daniel are very good friends." Robert didn't seem convinced. "I... I don't know, Sammy. It's your family here." "They're very close to me. There's no need," she tried to make him relax. He looked deep in her eyes and despite her dithered condition he caught the certainty and determination he'd known since their childhood. Even though he didn't like it, he agreed. "I'll get over this," she said. Almost every word she was saying was stinging.
* * * * * *
"All right, go." The wake was over. It was late evening. "Can I ask you to give me a call if anything was wrong?" he directed his question over her shoulder. "Count on it." Sam heard Colonel's voice behind herself, certainty and hesitation in it. Or at least she thought so. Seeing they should let Sam say goodbye to her brother and her family in private, Jack gave a sign to Daniel and Hammond. "Sam, we'll be waiting for you in the car, okay?"
"U-huh," she answered having turned back to face him. She felt his supporting look on herself which gave her some energy. "Sure." She was still speaking silently, unsure of herself. She turned to Robert and Jane hearing her friends' footsteps dying away. "You'll be alright?" Robert asked, concern in his voice. "I'll have to," she replied with a slam-bang. Robert gazed at her worriedly. "Call if you need me." She nodded. Although she resisted, he hugged her in a brother embrace. "Don't be ashamed of yourself, Sammy." He kissed her on her cheek.
For awhile there she didn't understand what he was getting at. When she did get it, she nodded slowly. She said goodbye to Jane and knelt down to find herself at the same level of Bev and Tony. "Goodbye, aunt Sam," the little voices said. "Goodbye." She stroked them on their heads, hugged shortly, smiled lightly and got up. "Well, it's time for me." They looked at each other, she and Robert. "I'll be in touch." All of a sudden, she turned her back on him so quickly that he thought she was running away from him.
He watched her get in the car and Jack O'Neill close the car's door. Robert's heart was beating quickly. "Robert?" he felt Jane's hand on his arm. "I don't know what to think about it. I never expected she'd experience trauma like that." Jane Carter thought the same. Miss Carter always seemed very strong. That wasn't to say that Miss Carter hadn't loved Robert's father but. . . "They must've been very close," she decided. "They were," he confirmed, sighing. "And what about you?" He saw care in her eyes.
He bit his lower lip and Jane noticed fear and tension in his face. He didn't need to say anything. It was her question that caused the pain from a few hours before to come back to him with all its strength. He let his head, heavy with emotion and apprehension, nestle in her shoulder. Maybe he wasn't ready to fight the loss of his father, maybe he had been wrong about that.
* * * * * *
For a moment there was a complete silence in the car. Hammond's chauffer was driving the vehicle calmly and with routine, sometimes squinting at his supervisor. If it wasn't for the constant whirr of the engine, you might be able to hear a fly buzz.
Daniel cleared his throat. So far he had stared at his lap not sure of what he should say and if he should say anything. Eventually, though, he decided to stop it. "When will we arrive at the airport?" "In about 10-15 minutes, sir," the driver answered him. The car got infused with the grave silence again while it was moving along the asphalt.
* * * * * *
Only in the plane when they were all sunken in their seats, they could start thinking of a conversation. Daniel realized Sam could've felt embarassed to talk about her predicaments in the presence of the driver, a stranger. But now there was no need to waste time.
Daniel looked at Hammond and Jack sitting about 5 metres in front of them on the left side of the plane. Hammond and Jack threw him impatient glances, urging him to speak. Then they turned their heads away.
Daniel peeked out through the fuselage window to see snow-white cloud coils. He looked at Sam to see eyes utterly unaware of the beauty of the outside world, fixed somewhere in the front of the passenger cabin. He tried to start a conversation.
"Sam, I imagine how you may feel but you have to fight it." Slowly, she turned to him, her eyes full of incredulity. He didn't remember his friend ever looking at him so piercingly. "What can YOU know about it? Your parents are dead. You have no one. You have nothing to worry about." Her voice was infused with bitterness. Daniel stared at her and she found out what she had done.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't want to." Vehemently, she tossed her head to the side so as not to look at him and glanced outside the window. "Sam," Daniel tried again, "don't turn your back on us. It won't help." He saw Sam swallowing hard before replying. "I wonder what would happen if I told them." Her voice was clearly trembling. "I wonder how you would react."
Daniel's answer came almost immediately. "You wouldn't, Sam." Sam nodded in an almost pathetic way; she knew she had no choice. "Listen to me, Sam." Daniel touched her chin and gently made her look at him. "Listen to me. You're a wonderful person. Really, you are. What you did for Jacob... I don't know if I could do it for Sha're." Sam tried to modestly avoid his eyes. "And you are modest." She laughed weakly. "I know how hard it must be. I understand it."
"No, Daniel, you don't," she said. There was no rancour or anger in her voice, just negation. "You don't because you're not myself. I have never before lied to anyone to that extent. To pretend in front of your own brother that a father is gone... do you realize how PAINFUL IT IS?" she cried the last words out, causing Hammond and O'Neill to look at them.
She felt she had said too much. She wanted to keep to herself, to be left alone. Damn the military! She looked again outside the window but she was actually looking as if at vacuum, seeing nothing. Daniel sighed. Sam seemed to have set a trap for herself. On the one hand she knew she couldn't say a word about the Stargate, even to her family, on the other hand she was blaming herself and it was tearing her into pieces. Jack threw Daniel a quizzical look.
Still, they had to do something. The question: What? remained, though. Daniel tried to put himself in Sam's position. At the moment he was thinking reasonably and knew the truth should never be exposed to the public. But what if he were to lie to his own brother or sister? He thought it would probably be difficult to even look them in the eye. Daniel knew himself. If something like that broke Sam, a woman stronger, much stronger than himself and less subject to emotions, he would sure be depressed as well. Deep in his thoughts, looking somewhere in front of him, Daniel didn't realize for a moment or two that Sam was watching him. He blinked to get the vision sharp again. "What is it?" he asked.
"You yourself don't know what you would do in my place," she figured out. She was looking at him, her eyes wide open. These eyes nearly stabbed him. How could he even dare console her if he hadn't any advice for her? He noticed his friend swallow hard again. "We'll try," he promised. "We'll try." She nodded, very dolefully, though, almost in disbelief.
* * * * * *
Sam entered her house, shopping bags in her hands. She put them on the kitchen table. She had forgotten to say hello to the guard who always watched her flat. The guy was shocked. So far something like that has happened only once, when Miss Carter came back home after leaving some infirmary, as he had been told. Now it looked as if she was in a similar state. She was as though absent and Grant, her guard, didn't think it would be sensible or apt to interfere. He noticed she hadn't closed the door after entering the flat, which she used to do.
Sam didn't even bother to put the food into her fridge. She just leaned the two plastic bags against the wall and went out of the kitchen. She stopped on the threshold, unsure of what to do next. She wanted to part with the thoughts haunting her for at least awhile. But despite that something pushed her to something very different.
* * * * * *
"Is Miss Carter in?" "She is, Col. O'Neill." Jack thought he didn't need to explain the reason for entering Sam's flat. Grant knew him quite well. After all it wasn't the first time he's been here. "It's not even closed," Grant said when Jack approached the door. "She's in a bad condition?"
Jack nodded. "It shows, huh?" and he pressed the door-knob. There was no one in the guest room right behind the door. He was always of the mind that Sam had furnished her flat with taste. True, putting some Minoan bull heads wouldn't go well with the rest of the stuff in here. Almost all the pieces of furniture were made of pine wood, not painted, just polished, matching the wainscotted walls.
"Sam!" Jack yelled but there was no reply. She must be here, Grant would've seen her if she left. Jack peered into the kitchen and judging by two bags with food leaned against the tiled white wall, Sam was at home. He was left with only a sitting room.
He stopped on its threshold seeing a head enveloped by blonde hair. Yes, fortunately Sam was here. Comfortably leaned on a couch, her back to the entrance, she must've not noticed him or heard him, she had headphones on her ears and the music was so loud that even O'Neill standing 2 metres away could hear it. He knew the music but couldn't determine what it was exactly.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down,
And now my life is changed in just so many ways,
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down,
The Beatles. He remembered that Sam had mentioned a couple of times at the SGC how much she liked the band. She also used to say how often she would listen to it in her childhood together with her father. Jack was slowly recovering from the shock and frozen state. He just couldn't believe what he was hearing, Sam was so blue that she was only deepening the depression almost on her own wish! He couldn't allow that.
He went around the couch. She noticed him and raised the previously lowered head. She took the headphones off and turned off the music very quickly. She hoped he hadn't heard what she'd been listening to. "How did you get in here?"
"I think you left the door open." Great, she clean forgot. "I came to talk."
For a moment she wanted to ask: About what? but then she thought it was too obvious. Besides, she needed them. And at the same time, she was afraid of them.
"Carter, I heard 'Help'." He watched her jaw drop and saw almost a fear in her eyes. So he heard. She tried to avoid his eyes. "So are you escaping from us or not? Are you ashamed of us or not? You have to decide."
So he understood, she thought.
Jack cleared his throat. "Sam... Look at me. And, for crying out loud, don't lock us out. We want to help you."
"You can't!" she cried. She got up and ran out of the room. Jack thought it was a real escape. He wasn't going to let her hide in her seclusion where her broken heard would be able to terrorize her. Daniel's soft way had failed. Maybe he should try.
He found her sitting on a couch in the guest room. She was curled up. Jack close the kitchen door and then the sitting room one. "Sam," he came up to her and sat on the edge of the table facing her, "what's going on? You've never given up before."
She threw him a stabbing look. "I lied to my whole family and I'm not going to forget it for the rest of my life. That's what's going on" she said at last.
He sighed and sat beside her on the couch. "I understand, Sam..."
She noticed he was using 'Sam' instead of 'Carter' but interjected him anyway. "I think you don't."
"I understand, Sam," he went on, as if not paying attention to what she'd said. "But you still have to decide whether you want to leave the job or not. You have to make up your mind. Stay here and defend Earth or get back there and..."
He didn't finish but Sam thought she knew what he meant to say. She didn't have a choice. He put his hand on her arm. "Sam, you're the best soldier I have ever had an honour to serve with. Hell, don't have us lose you. You know what I was thinking when we were flying in those death gliders right after the Apophis's ship got blown up?"
"What?" she asked in a choked voice.
"That to die with you is a real privilege."
With these words a silence fell. She stared at him.
"It hurts," she said simply. "Is Earth worth it?"
He nodded. "I think it is, Sam. Though," he added after awhile, "I sometimes wonder myself."
She saw pain in his eyes, hidden deep under a layer of military gaze. She thought she noticed Sarah O'Neill there. The woman who surely had to wonder what was going on, who Charlie was and what the Stargate was.
"I have to think,"she said. Jack was watching her carefully for awhile to discover she wasn't escaping this time. She just still needed more time. Alone.
When he had closed the door behind him, Sam entered the bathroom. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. It's time to take a shower, to refresh, to start a new life, she thought. It was time of renewal.
* * * * * *
The burden was there. She often thought of Robert. But the support of the SG-1 balanced it. It helped her. She'd like to tell him about the Gate some day. Just as Jack would like to tell Sarah.
Dad knew. She hoped to be able to talk to him. As long as he lived at least half of her family was her joy. The second half was her pain, well-concealed under the surface.
But she was back to being herself. She was the same Samantha Carter, even though changed a little bit.
THE END
And I do appreciate you being round,
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me!
My independence seems to vanish in the haze,
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like Iíve never done before
And I do appreciate you being round,
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me!Please E-mail Kamil and tell him how you liked his story :)
