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THE YOUNG ONES - DEMOLITION

[Inside of the house, in the kitchen. Neil is cooking something in a huge pot; Rick is dancing wildly to the Cliff Richard song on the radio]

DJ: That was a great new version of The Young Ones!

RICK: [switches off radio] That was BRILLIANT! Shame about Cliff Richard.

NEIL: What about him?

RICK: What?

NEIL: [grabbing box on table] What about Cliff Richard?

RICK: You trying to be funny?

NEIL: Um...

RICK: Because if you are I think it's in pretty poor taste, that's all. I'm not a fridge, you know! [angrily grabs his radio and opens the door. he smiles quickly at Neil, then leaves]

NEIL: Weird, eh? I'd better get back to the lentil casserole before I get disorientated!. [pours the contents of the box, which happens to be lye soap, in the pot] It will soon be over for you lentils!

[He stirs the pot, then puts the spoon to his lips. Instead of tasting, Neil inetentionally sneezes in the spoon, then stirs some more. Neil then picks up the pot without the use of oven mitts]

NEIL: OH WOW! This is really amazingly hot! I'd better get it to the table quickly! [runs to the table. The table is cluttered with junk] Oh, no room at all, huh? Heavy! I'll never get it back to the cookery in time, now! I'm just gonna have to...OW! [drops pot on the floor and cools his fingers]

NEIL: Oh, no. [picks up the pot. The contents spill all over the floor] Bad karma, again! [opens up the kitchen door and looks out into the hallway] Look guys? There's some dinner on the floor if you want it. If you don't, like that could also be cool. Cause, I mean, I only spent all day cooking it, right. I was the one who got it together to put the lentils on to soak last night. But, maybe we should get a cat, right, and give it to the cat. Because it's obvious none of you can be...guys? [no response] Maybe it'd be cool if I just died, right!

[Rick pushes Neil out of the way and enters the kitchen, he stands staring off angrily whilst standing in the lentil spillage]

RICK: [to Neil] Well?

NEIL: Well what, Rick?

RICK: Have you decided to apologize about what you said about Cliff Richard?

NEIL: I didn't say anything about Cliff Richard, Rick. I wasn't even...

RICK: LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS IT! Okay? I wouldn't even discuss the color of orange juice with you, Neil! But I've written a poem, and I think perhaps it might help you. [pulls out his notebook and flips through the pages]

NEIL: Look, it's orange, Rick. And, look, I don't want to depress you or anything but, like, you're standing in a huge mound of lentil casserole!

RICK: [reads] Oh, Cliff! Sometimes it must be difficult Not to feel as if You really are a cliff When fascits keep trying to push you over it! Are they the lemmings, or are you Cliff? Or ARE you, Cliff?

NEIL: Wow, that was really pretty bad, Rick!

RICK: Bad for society when the kids start to get into it!

NEIL: I'm going to kill myself now! [walks over to the oven, turns on the gas, and sticks his head inside]

RICK: Pretty angry stuff, right! Let them try and ignroe that, right! Those clever-trousers in the army! And the police and the government, if they can. [pulls out his biro and starts writing]

NEIL: I see things much more clearly now! [pulls his head out and waves to Rick] Bye, Rick.

RICK: [writing] Yes, goodbye.

NEIL: I'll probably come back as a lentil!

RICK: I'll might even get put in prison! And have water DRIPPED on my head! I might even get a personal message from Cliff!

NEIL: [head in oven] Oh wow! This is the end, man! Doesn't anyone ever suss out cleaning this oven except me? [pulls out his head and takes out a huge glob of black filth from the oven] Oh, wow, this is so dirty, man! Uncool! I bet you could look inside all the dirty ovens in the world, right, even the ones at the bottom of swamps, and you would find one as dirty as this one. [proceeds to scoop out the filth in the oven in an effort to clean it. Rick walks over and stares at Neil]

RICK: Neil! Why don't you listen to me, Neil? Why don't you listen to me? Do you find me boring or something? [grabs a saucer from the table] Look! Look, that's a saucer! That's boring! [Neil tries to grab the saucer. Rick slaps his hand away] Look! [puts the saucer to his face and points to his face, then the saucer] Pretty different really, isn't it? It's not nearly the same thing at all. Is it, Neil?

[Rick notices that Neil is not paying attention to him]

RICK: NEIL! [smashes the saucer] I WILL NOT BE ASSOCIATED WITH SAUCERS! [runs to the refrigerator and starts smashing the saucers on it]

MIKE: [enters the room carrying a golf bag. He nonchalantly tosses the bag to one side] Hi, guys! 6:15, enter Mike, the cool person, for his dinner. Strolls across the floor. [walks over to Neil] "Hi, Neil!", he says, looking good and already warming up. Is that supper there? [points to oven filth on the floor]

NEIL: No. No, that's supper over there. [points to lentils on the floor]

[Rick startles Mike by smashing more saucers]

MIKE: Why are you smahing up saucers, Rick? Your prints on them? I know just how you feel, man, you think? [sits down at table] Somtimes saucers used to make me pretty angry too. Yeah, there's a lot of heads buried at the bottom of the garden because of a saucer, in a words.

RICK: I suppose you think it's pretty weird, don't you Mike? Well, you'd be right. Because THAT's the kind of guy I am, right! WEIRD! Which is why I go over people's heads...a bit like a aeroplane! You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you, Mike? Well, I'm not!

MIKE: I don't think you're an aeroplane, Rick!

RICK: SICOPHANT! [pouts for a second, then smiles at Mike]

NEIL: [trying to scoop the lentils back into the pot] Look, guys. I really think we ought to get it together. Maybe to eat something! You know?

[CUT to two mice next to a mousehole. The mousehole has dicso lights and music playing. The mice are holding cocktail drinks and smoking cigarettes]

MOUSE #1: Eaten any good books lately?

MOUSE #2: Zounds! The stuff that I manage these days is to stuff down a few pages of ???? in the Guardian before they're ripped out.

MOUSE #1: I managed to nibble away at a few lines of Hippolytus the other day at number 32.

MOUSE #2: Oh, lucky you! ???? is my dream poet! ????

[They laugh]

MOUSE #1: This should raise a dry smile, then. "Knock. Knock."

MOUSE #2: Oh, how wonderful! "Who's there?"

MOUSE #1: "Euripides."

MOUSE #2: "'Euripides' who?"

MOUSE #1: "Euripides these trousers...You mend-a these trousers!" The end.

[They laugh.]

RICK: AIEEGH! A RAT!

[runs to the refrigerator and opens the door. He grabs an acoustic guitar that was inside. He runs over to the mice and smahes them with the guitar. He gives them a two fingered salute and returns to the table]

NEIL: [shocked] Oh, Wow! Rick, that's really heavy, man! My grandfather made that guitar entirely out of matchsticks on his death bed!

RICK: I hate rats, ok?

[CUT back to the mice. One of them has been decapitated. The second one is holding a piece of flesh in one hand and is eating the contents of the mouse's head]

MOUSE #2: It's what he would have wanted!

[CUT back to table. The boys are preparing to eat]

NEIL: Look, guys, I'm sorry the meal got a bit uncool, like floorwise. But, it's alright because I probably got the dirtiest bit! [takes the salt shaker and tries to put salt on his food. The top of the shaker falls off, spilling a mass quantity of salt on his place]

RICK: Ha ha ha!

MIKE: [quickly stands up] Ok, guys! Don't do anything unusual. Did a guy with a lisp phone?

RICK: No one phoned you, Mike. Well, We haven't got a telephone.

MIKE: I know. But did a guy with a lisp phone?

RICK: No, he didn't.

MIKE: Did he say anything about the bananas?

RICK: [thinks] Ummm...no.

MIKE: [angrily points a warning finger at Rick] I thought you said he didn't phone!

RICK: He didn't!

MIKE: Okay! Okay, that's good! But it could have been very bad! Anyway, just forget you ever even heard the name. [sits back down]

RICK: What name?

MIKE: [pleased] Hey! Hey! You're learning! That's good! [pats Rick on the head]

NEIL: I've got an uncle called Dustin.

RICK: NEIL! Are these lentils South African?

NEIL: [horrified] Well, um...

RICK: YOU BASTARD! YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER BASTARD! Why don't you just go out and become a policeman! Become a pig! There's no difference, you know...[puts his hands in his food and burns himself] ow! Ow! [takes a towel and wipes his hands] There's no difference you know! You think there is, but there isn't! I suppose you hate gay people too, hippie!

NEIL: Listen! Listen, just don't bring me down again, alright, Rick?

RICK: Okay, where's my biro? [slams his hands on the table in time] WHERE IS MY BIRO?

MIKE: Here! Here, use mine. [hands Rick a pen]

RICK: This is MY biro!

MIKE: Well, I just saw it lying on your desk, I thought you didn't want it anymore.

RICK: But look at it, it's half empty.

MIKE: It was just lying there, Rick, what's a guy supposed to think?

RICK: [writes]

Neil! What are you doing, Neil? To make a meal, Neil! (to MIKE: Surreal!) From Totalitarian vegetables. How much does it cost, Neil?

NEIL: [scooping out some more food] Well, actually it's about four pounds fifty, each.

RICK & MIKE: FOUR POUNDS FIFTY???

RICK: I'm not paying you money to eat black men! I can become a pig and do that for free! Right on!

MIKE: Neil. When I eat a meal worth four pounds fifty, I'm not for paying for it. You got me?

NEIL: Yeah, okay! [taps his spoon on the pot like a bell] Okay, like, like, house meeting, okay? yea! I know four pounds fifty is quite a Hell of a lot of bread to lay out just for a lentil casserole. But I did a lot, right, and it struck me that, like, considering what I'm gonna do tonight I should make, like, thirteen portions.

RICK: Thirteen? What are you doing, starting a football team?

NEIL: No. No, killing myself, killing myself. This is my 'last supper', right! I finished building my gallows, and it's totally far out. You should see it, Rick. Like, when the trapdoor opens and I, like, die, it lights gostics and plays, "Rock Around the Clock"! It's totally amazing!

RICK: Oh far out! Really great! Woodstock!

[suddenly and without warning, Vyvyan comes diving through thw wall onto the table. Everyone stares in amazement]

NEIL: Oh fine! Great! Yeah! Why don't you sit in the supper, man? Yeah!

[Vyvyan tosses something at Neil]

RICK: VYVYAN! You might have washed your hands!

[Vyvyan walks over to the sink. He shatters the sink by kicking it. he washes his hands form a leaking pipe, then slams his fist on the wall. A flushing sound is heard]

VYVYAN: [sits down at table] I've been down to the morgue!

NEIL: Oh, fine! Yeah, great! Let's talk about death! I mean, don't consider my feelings tonight, or anything, will you?

VYVYAN: [makes a plate of food for himself] Gathering up bodies for my course, you know!

RICK: NONE OF YOU EVER GIVE THE SLIGHTEST CONSIDERATION TO A WORD I SAY!

VYVYAN: That's because you're very boring!

RICK: Oh! Oh, and I suppose you think that things like peace and freedom and equality are boring too?

VYVYAN: [thinks] Yes, they are!

RICK: Hah! Fallen into my trap! In that case, why isn't Cliff Richard boring, clever trousers? Tell me that! [smiles]

[Vyvyan takes Rick and slams his face into his food.]

NEIL: [gets up from table] Okay, lads. Right, this is it, okay? I'm going now. This is the final moment, okay? [goes to door. Rick manages to pull his face out of the food and begins cleaning himself]

VYVYAN: I've got a leg!

MIKE: Hey, Vyvyan. That's not unusual.

VYVYAN: No! No, look. [reaches down and pulls a leg wrapped in paper] I'm supposed to write an essay on it, right, but I think i'm just gonna stick it on the bonnet of my car!

NEIL: Bye, then! [waves and exits]

MIKE: [quickly stands up and tosses his hat aside] Okay, Vyv. Okay, hold back. Go previous! Now the scotch eggs are another story! That's a nice angle on the wall, straight through it! I like your style! Ceartainly had me fooled! That's only part of the puzzle. Most days you come through the door! Sometimes you even open it! But today you didn't, today you suddenly changed your routine! Why? Eh? You in trouble, Vyv? Huh? You the final sausage in the fridge? Is someone coming after you with a piece of clean-film?

VYVYAN: No, but we got a letter from the council! God, nobody's fed my hamster, have they?

[Neil re-enters the room. The others ignore him]

NEIL: Um. Look, I'll see you on the other side. Okay, lads? This is really it. I'm going, okay?

MIKE: Yeah, yeah. See ya, Neil.

VYVYAN: Yeah, bye Neil!

NEIL: And you can forget about the bread. Okay, man?

MIKE: Hey, listen. It's just like going to sleep, okay?

NEIL: But I'm an insomniac, Mike.

MIKE: So what are you worried about?

NEIL: Oh, yeah. Thanks! Thanks, Mike. Bye! [exits]

VYVYAN: Look, nobody's fed Special Patrol Group, have they? [walks over to the hamster cage on the refrigerator and begins poking through it]

MIKE: Listen, Vyv! This letter...you sure it wasn't a packing case? Or maybe a tea chest with 'ZURICH' stamped on it?

VYVYAN: No, a LETTER!

RICK: I think Special Patrol Group is a stupid name for a hamster!

VYVYAN: Alright, I'll change it, then! 'Hello, Cliff Richard!'

RICK: BASTARD!

[Vyvyan screams and pulls his hand from the cage. Special Patrol Group (Also known as SPG) has his mouth around two of Vyvyan's fingers. Vyvyan thrashes about, slamming SPG everywhere until he finally manages to toss him in the pot]

RICK: Oh, thanks a lot, Vyvyan! You know I'm a vegetarian!

[from the pot we hear sound of frantic feeding and beans being tossed everywhere]

MIKE: Vyvyan, I really think you ought to feed that hamster more often!

VYVYAN: Look, I don't want to spoil him, okay?

MIKE: Well, he looks like Tesco's when the beans are reduced!

[Vyvyan reaches into the pot and pulls SPG out. SPG is about ten times his normal size with a huge stomach]

VYVYAN: He looks well enough now, don't he?

[Drops SPG, who falls through the floor to the basement]

SPG: I could murder a curry! [farts audibly, the force sending him across the room. Vyvyan and Rick peer down through the hole in the floor]

VYVYAN: Poor old Special Patrol Group!

RICK: What's poor about him?

VYVYAN: It will take ten weeks to starve another one!

[Sound of a trapdoor opening. Bill Hailey's 'Rock Around the Clock' is heard. Cut to Neil's room, he is standing in the trapdoor with a noose around his neck. The length of the rope lies next to him as he stares at the ceiling. Cut back to the kitchen as the music stops]

RICK: Well, that's put the rent up by a third!

[Cut back to Neil's room]

NEIL: I really screwed that up, didn't I? I should think I'd pretty stupid if anyone was watching.

[Cut to the interior of a bus, two women are staring at Neil]

WOMAN #1: Oh, look at that! Should of have a shorter rope!

WOMAN #2: Yes, he could have done with it being a bit shorter!

WOMAN #1: What that lad needs is a good hard...

[quick cut to the outside street, Jerzei Balowski exits the bus and walks to the boys' house. Cut to inside of the house. Mike opens a copy of the TV Times. An enormous amount of junk, such as fruit, vegetables, fish, footballs, etc. falls out of it into Mike's lap]

MIKE: I never knew there was so much in it!

[Vyvyan is bashing his head into a wall]

MIKE: Hey, Vyvyan, I don't want to get specific or anything! But, if you knock that wall down this house is going to collapse.

VYVYAN: AH-HAH!

MIKE: And, like, there's my duvet and my passport collection.

VYVYAN: WE GOT A LETTER FROM THE COUNCIL!

[Vyvyan headbutts the wall again, and falls over the couch]

MIKE: Yeah, what letter? Clarity, Vyvyan. Elucidate!

[Jerzei Balowski enters the room.]

MR. BALOWSKI: Hello, everybody! Hello, Mike, my little Thunderbird Puppet! [plays with Mike's hair for a moment] 'Thunderbirds are Go', yes? [begins dancing] "Come on let's twist again, like we did last summer! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Let's twist again..." Like we didn't do in Moscow, because I've never been there of yourse, you know. I am English person! [to camera] Hi, I am Jerzei, yeah! Crazy wacky landlord. You know, I like very much your English punk rock stars. You know, your Lulu! Your Dave Clark Five! Oh yes! I think they are F-A-B! That's English for 'stupid', yeah! Okay! Fantastic! Hey, Mikey. Look! Here, I have some Coca-Cola here, yes? [opens a can of soda and hands it to Mike] We have party, yes? Okay, let's dance! Let's do the 'fog', yes? [to camera] You know, I am liking very much your Harold MacMillan. Thanks to him, I am never having it, yes!

RICK: Mr Balowski! We have resident's rights, you know. You're supposed to knock!

MR. BALOWSKI: Listen, don't you think it's a nice house here? It's good house. It's clean house, Michael Caine and Twiggy, yes? So maybe sometime you would like to pay me some rent! Then we go down milk bar for soda pop. You shovel, yes?

MIKE: Listen, Jerzei.

MR. BALOWSKI: 'Jeremy', actually!

MIKE: Jeremy! Listen, if you're worried about the rent, I've got that sussed! Gentlemen, house meeting, in the hall! Two seconds, be there! [the boys exit the room]

MR. BALOWSKI: Hey, I think you are a nice good Democratic boy, yes? I hope you marry a good Scottish person like Lulu, yes? Because I am also Scottish, you know!

ALEXEI SAYLE: [Normal voice, to camera] I'm not really foreign, you know! I just do it to appear more sophisticated! I mean nobody would by Evian water if it was called Blackburn water, would they? Nobody would by kicker boots if they were made in Scunthorpe! ABBA? ABBA, Swedish? I knew them when they were a Lancashire clock dancing trio! Arthur, Betty, Boris and Angela [counts with his fingers, then notices he counted to four but his fingers say five]. Solzhenitsyn? Solzhenitsyn, A former pipefilter wielder form Harrogate!! [the boys re-enter the room and sit down at table] Back to the acting!

MIKE: Okay, Jerzei!

MR. BALOWSKI: Yes?

MIKE: About the rent...

MR. BALOWSKI: Yes?

MIKE: Oh, I nearly forgot! These two men wanted to see you!

MR. BALOWSKI: Two men? Morecombe and Wise, yes? Funny comedians with the wigs and the buckets of water, yes?

MIKE: No, no! They said they were with the Moscow Dynamo Ice Hocky Squad! [Jerzei looks worried] I told them I never heard of you. Told them I never seen you before!

MR. BALOWSKI: [pleased] Okay, I see, it's good joke, yes? It's earthy English humor! Like sea-side postcard from Leceister, yes?

MIKE: So, if you'd forget about the rent, we'll pay you another time. Is that cool?

MR. BALOWSKI: Yes, that's absolutely icebox! See you later, Ford Anglia! [exits. Mike sits at the table, smugly. Rick is trying to find the right words to say]

RICK: I hate him! Do you really think he's British?

VYVYAN: [looking in his dismembered leg] Well he knows a lot about the Mersey sound!

RICK: SHUT UP! I'm trying to stir my coffee!

VYVYAN: Look! Listen, we got a letter from the council! [takes letter from pocket] They're gonna demolish the house tomorrow!

[Thunderclap, lights, jarring music. The boys lean in and stare at each other shocked. The music ends, then the boys jump back to normal]

MIKE: But I was going to turn it into an entertainment complex! This room's a roller disco! Hey, I'm depressed! It's Nine Below Zero!

RICK: He's blummin right, you know!

[Nine Below Zero perform 'Eleven Plus Eleven'. During the song, Vyvyan and Rick bob to the music while Mike stares off into space]

MIKE: [after song ends] How can they, i.e. the council, destroy the house of Mike?

VYVYAN: [sitting on what used to be the kitchen sink] Look, Michael, there's no need to worry! I got a plan with which to thwart them! [looks in cup he's holding. The contents are a light blue liquid with white film on the top. He drinks] Oh, God! No sugar! [tosses the cup on the wall. A flushing sound is heard again. Cut to bathroom. Neil is sitting on the toilet, guitar in hand, noose still around his neck. He looks down as a flushing sound is heard.]

NEIL: Ow, wow, a wet bum. Just what I need! Far out! [plays an out of tune chord]

MIKE: Hey, now we're in the same supermarket! And we're not buying peas!

VYVYAN: Look, you agree the council must be thwarted, right?

MIKE: Hey, does this face empty knickers?

VYVYAN: That I don't know! But when the council comes to demolish the house tomorrow, Michael, they're going to find it already demolished form within! [exits through hole in wall that he made]

MIKE: Okay, step back! Recoil! Go previous! I wanna study the angles today! And I'm not talking about fishing! Give me the letter!

VYVYAN: [pokes head through hole] The letter, yeah! With pleasure! [hands Mike the letter. Vyvyan punches his hand through the closed door and opens it from the other side by sticking his hand through. He then dives through the adjacent wall. In the next room as an old man and woman sitting at a table using a small light to warm themselves. Rick quickly enters]

RICK: Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: What?

RICK: This isn't our house!

VYVYAN: Well, whose is it, then?

RICK: Somebody elses! [exits]

VYVYAN: Look! Look, when they get back...TELL THEM I'M INCREDIBLY SORRY! Okay? [exits]

OLD WOMAN: Well, old man?

OLD MAN: The woods, and the darkness, and the howling wind. Will the snows never cease? They seem to reach back forever!

OLD WOMAN: It began the night Uncle Walter died! The night we heard the shot.

OLD MAN: If only we were deaf! Do you remember when this very room was filled with light and laughter and young people! How we laughed! HA HA! ???? EEE EEE!

OLD WOMAN: Was the food richer then? Have we just forgot?

OLD MAN: It was sort of crunchy! [Woman agrees] The woods, and the darkness, and the howling winds! Will the snows never cease? They seem to reach back forever!

RICK: [enters] Could you be quiet, please! I'm trying to watch my favorite program! [Rick is hit in the head by something Vyvyan throws] Will you stop it, Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: [on chair] Listen! If we don't smash the house up, the council's gonna demolish it tomorrow!

MIKE: He right, you know. They're going to knock the house down tomorrow!

RICK: That's all very well. But finally, after years of stagnation, the TV people have woken up to the need for locally based monority programs! Made by amateurs! And perhaps an interest to only two or three people! It's important, Mike! [grabs chair] It's NOW! And I wanna watch. [puts chair in front of TV and sits down]

[Vyvyan exits the room. He kicks the wooden supposts on the banister off. Cut to bathroon. Neil is still on the toilet. Vyvyan comes in and kicks the tiolet bowl, knocking a huge hole and spilling out all the water]

NEIL: Wet feet. Nice one, Vyv!

VYVYAN: I thought you were dead!

NEIL: Well, that's no reason to hassle me on the toilet!

VYVYAN: [yanks on the pull chain. The reservior tips over and pours on Neil's head] The council's gonna knock the house down! [Neil looks at reserviorand it squirts him in the face.]

[Cut back to living room]

RICK: Shh!shhhshhhhhhhhhhh! [watches intentively]

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: And now let's shake some action here on two, with a new programme for young adults: Nozin' Aroun'!

[Shot of TV. The words, "Nozin' Aroun'" are seen. Brief intro music. Cut to studio set. A bunch of young anarchistic adults(i.e. punks, goths, Siouxie Sioux lookalikes) are dancing. The host of the programme is in the center]

BAS: Hi! My name's Bas. And me and my mates that TV just wasn't now, right? I expect, like us, you're not into all that stuff your [gives a 'thumbs up' sign] 'old man's' into, right? So, we thought we's have a programme for us, right? And this is it, Nozin' Aroun'. It's a programme for [thumbs up] young adults, made by [thumbs up] young adults, and concentrating on all the subjects that [thumbs up] young adults are interested in. Like unemployment! Maggie!

[The hostess, Maggie, dances in and bumps Bas out of shot]

MAGGIE: Way, yeah! Really great! And now I'll be looking at what it's like to be a young unemployed adult, because more young adults are becoming umemployed on account of the fact that they can't wind work. Basically, the problem is this: If you haven't got a job, then you're out of work. And that means only one thing: Unemployment!

[Bas dances back in and bumps Maggie out of shot]

BAS: Yeah, got you back. [laughs] Alright, yeah! So, thanks a lot, Maggie. Worth listening to. After all, [thumbs up] it's our world too, kids! Right! [Looks around for Maggie; he can't find her] Right.

[cut to Maggie on a scaffolding]

MAGGIE: Really great! Hi! Well I'm standing up here on this scaffolding because that's what this programme is all about: Shock! Yeah. Right. Okay.

[cut to Bas]

BAS: [thumbs up to Maggie] Okay, thank's a lot Maggie, right! But now it's time to have a bit of natter with our very special guest Roland Percival, who's Careers Officer at East London Poly'. [Walks over to Roland, who is an elderly gentleman in suit and tie dancing along] How you doing, Rol'? Getting Down?

ROLAND: Right down, thank you.

BAS: Right! Rol'?

ROLAND: Bas?

BAS: Rol', a lot of my mates say to me, 'Oh, Bas. What is the point?' What would you say to them?

ROLAND: But surely, Bas, your mates must realise that there definately is a point!

BAS: So, a real message of hope and good cheer from Roland, a really ace guy. Drop in and see him for a chat at the Poly'.

ROLAND: But that doesn't mean I want you to seduce my parrot!

[Bas laughs]

BAS: Yeah! Anyway, if you're on the dole, go and see Rol'.

ROLAND: Oh, I should stress that you do have to have a degree.

[Bas walks back to the center of the set where the dancers are]

BAS: Okay, thanks a lot there, Rol'. But now it's the part of the programme where you, [points to camera] yeah you, the viewers get a chance to put your ideas and opinions. New concept, right? [thumbs up] Our world too! So here we go with Street Level!

[cut to sign saying STREET LEVEL. Cut to outside, a boy is being interviewed]

BOY #1: I'm sixteen. I'm old enough to marry and have children, but I can't drink in pubs. When will the government realize the young adults are mature and responsible people?

[cut to second boy]

BOY #2: I'm sixteen, right? I can join the Army, the Air Force, and the Navy, but I can't drink in pubs. When will the government, right, realize that young adults have a valid contribution to society?

[cut to third boy. He snorts from a gum glue bottle and appears dazed before he speaks]

BOY #3: A lot of people think that young adults are violent! Well, how would you feel if you were old enough to have intercourse with the partner of your choice, but yet you could not drink in pubs? Huh?

[cut back to studio]

BAS: There you go. That's the problem. What do you do of an evening if you're a young adult and can't go drinking about in pubs? [cut back to the house. Rick is still watching the programme] Now, what I think is that if the kids are united we will never be divided...

[Rick angrily kicks the TV in]

RICK: [to Mike] DID YOU SEE THAT? DID YOU? THE VOICE OF YOUTH! THEY'RE STILL WEARING FLARED TROUSERS!!! WHY DON'T YOU TRY A BIT OF POETRY, YOU HIPPIES!!

MIKE: Rick, the council's going to knock the house down!

RICK: Yes, yes, yes, yes! So you keep saying! But they'll never do it! This is a student residence! A place of learning!

MIKE: The council okayed it, babes! Okay?

RICK: Oh, right on! RIGHT ON! Typical! Human beings are a last consideration! Take a street, any street, an English street! Filled with love and hope and poetry!

MIKE: Not the whole street, just us! They say we're a health hazard!

RICK: But I live in the laundrette!

MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah! But it's okay. It's okay because, because the letter is signed, "T. Smith, Miss." You see? "T. Smith, Miss."

RICK: Yes, yes, yess.

MIKE: Yeah! Yeah, I even believe it's perfumed. Dust off the duvet, lads! I'll handle this!

RICK: I'll handle this! [grabs notebook and pen]

VYVYAN: [pokes his head through the banister] I'll handle this!

NEIL: [still on toilet] I can't handle this! When they come, I'm gonna hide in the wall cavity and pretend to be thermal insulation! Then when they knock the walls down...boom shanka! [water squirts him again]

[Cut to morning outside the house. A van pulls up to the house and a lady comes out. Rick is attached to a crucifix on the house]

RICK: [upon seeing lady, reciting] House! House! Ooh, you are made of stone! But you're not a lone...ly house!

RICK: I am here! [accidentally loses the piece of paper with the poem on it and instead wings it...] I've got a walking, talking, living, walking, living doll!

LADY: Excuse me?

RICK: If you're looking for the house that's going to be demolished, it isn't this one! I think it;s the one on the other side of town!

LADY: Excuse me? [peers in a window]

VYVYAN: [puts his head through another window] Just another half hour. I need a little more time, Okay? [bites a brick. It explodes in his mouth] Some of these bricks explode! That's good, innit?

LADY: Excuse me?

RICK: I mean, why don't you go live in Iran, right? Or Russia

[Neil comes outside carrying his huge pot]

NEIL: Listen everybody. I've, uh, stewed up some lentils and some seaweed as a sort of a last positive action. [notices Rick and the crucifix] Hey, Rick, man. What are you doing with my crucifix, man?

RICK: I'm protesting!

NEIL: Yeah, but I really think I should lay this one on you, man. That's a really negative way to kill yourself, you know? Like I've tried it hundred of times! There's no way you can hammer in the last nail.

[Rick tells Neil to 'piss off' with a quick jerk of the head. The Council Lady approaches Neil]

LADY: Excuse me, are you the lease owner for these premises?

NEIL: Oh, uh...I'm being hassled in theg street by a chick. She's making me paranoid, man!

RICK: Stop making him paranoid, you slag!

[Neil steps away formlady and trips on something behind him, which happens to be Mike. Mike is extremely dressed up and is chalking a pool stick]

MIKE: Hi, baby. [Eats chalk]

NEIL: Just once I'd like to keep the lentils off the floor [scoops lentils and snow in the pot]

MIKE: So who turns on your bulb in the wee small hours?

LADY: I'm sorry?

MIKE: If the world's an egg, Border collie, then this kid's the lion stamped on the side.

LADY: Thank you, now what I'd really need is your rent book.

MIKE: You know the French for duvet? I'm talking 100% cotton, MMMM! I'd like to find your duckdown stuck to the soap!

LADY: That's enought, now what I really want is...

MIKE: Open-mouth surgery? Feel my scalpel! You ever done it on a bean bag? Baby, I do it INSIDE bean bags!

LADY: Alright. [grabs Mike by the neck and sings a note. The other people from the van emerge with picks and sledgehammers and begin to demolish the house]

VYVYAN: [running to his car] Don't worry, lads! These bastards won't get away with this! [drives his car into the fence]

[Cut to side of house. A man is hitting the wall with a sledgehammer. Neil quickly puts his head to the wall]

NEIL: Yeah, go ahead, man. You'd be doing me a favour! [closes his eyes and waits. The man hits the wall above Neil's head instead]

RICK: OH, RIGHT ON!!

[Cut to a picture of place over head. cut to inside the cockpit]

PILOT: Boy, I sure hope we don't have a crash!

CO-PILOT: Me too!

PILOT: But they say it's safer than crossing the road!

CO-PILOT: Yes, but we have to do that too!

PILOT: Best not to think about it!

[cut back to house. sound of plane diving is heard]

RICK: Oh, no! That plane is going to crash into us!

[everyone looks attentively to the sky. Picture fades out as plane crashes]

CAPTION: NOW THERE'S A FUNNY THING!

THE END