|
|
Yep, it's another one-act play
By Joe Blevins
Based on characters from "Quest of the Delta Knights"
[The time: vaguely Mediaeval. The place: somewhere in Europe. The
setting: a rowdy tavern filled with day players in billowy costumes,
drinking and cavorting and just generally doing Mediaeval stuff. That
annoying Renaissance Fair music plays constantly in the background.]
[The curtain rises.]
[Our hero, Travis, is seated at a table in the foreground, guzzling
something from a decorative stein. He is about 30 now and has not
aged well. Once boyishly angelic, he is now balding and bloated.
After years of guzzling mead like there's no tomorrow, his face is
red and his speech is slurred. He has a couple of drinking buddies
with him. They're barely lucid.]
TRAVIS: An' th' maiden... she sez, "Izzat a lance in yer pocket, or
are ya jes' happy t' see me?"
[Travis' drinking buddies laugh heartily at this remark.]
BUDDY #1: Thassa good one, Tee.
BUDDY #2: Whaddya expect? Th' guy's a prophet, for cryin' out loud!
He knowzabout jokes that won' even be invented for CENTURIES!
TRAVIS: Not t' mention pickup lines. Check THIS out...
[Travis pinches the ass of a nearby serving wench.]
TRAVIS: Hey, darlin', if I said ya hadda beautiful bodice, wouldja
hold it against me?
[Travis nudges his buddies, and they all snicker.]
BUDDY #2: Pretty smooth, Tee!
WENCH: [ticked off] Tee, you've been warned once already. I don't
give away any freebees. Touch me ONE more time, and you're
out on yer ass.
TRAVIS: You can't throw me out! I'm a freakin' Delta Knight! I've
gotta destiny t' uphold here!
WENCH: [skeptical] And it's your "destiny" to hang out in a tavern
with lowlifes and have belching contests?
TRAVIS: Hey, who am I t' question th' wisdom of Archimedes, huh?
[Travis belches loudly. He and his buddies go into coniption fits of
laughter. While they're doing this, a small green creature with pointy
ears hobbles into the bar and walks up to Travis' table. As soon as he
speaks, we can tell that it's Yoda from "Empire Strikes Back."]
YODA: Travis!
TRAVIS: [confused, looks around] Huh? Who said that?
YODA: Down here you must look.
TRAVIS: [looks down] Oh, there ya are! I almost didn't see ya down
there, little guy! What can I do ya for?
YODA: Travis... a disappointment you have been.
TRAVIS: Whaddya mean, "a disappointment?"
YODA: Your destiny you have not fulfilled. Your gifts you have
squandered.
TRAVIS: Squandered? Didn't I blow up that Lord Vultare guy and keep
him from unleashing that death ray thing from the secret
storehouse? Sheesh! What more do they want from me?
YODA: Many years ago that was. Diddly squat you have done since then.
Guidance you need, and guidance I can provide.
TRAVIS: Lis'en, shortstuff. I'm a Delta Knight. I don't need no
Muppet tellin' me what to do.
YODA: Perhaps talk to your friend Leonardo I should. Where I might
find him, do you know?
TRAVIS: He got aholda some bad ale, an' he's been ridin' the chamber
pot all night, if ya get what I mean.
YODA: Still friends you two are?
TRAVIS: Heck yeah we're still friends! It's a good thing he met me.
He wuz wastin' his life on that artsy-fartsy crap. I wuz able
t' convince him that all ya really need in life's is a gut
fulla alcohol and a servin' wench on yer lap. THAT'S what
bein' a Delta Knight is all about. Me an' Leo spend most of
our time here, except on Tuesdays. That's our bowlin' night.
YODA: [shaking his head] A sad day this is. A sad, sad day. An
insurance salesman I should have been.
[He exits.]
TRAVIS: Whatta creep! Anyone catch his name? If I ever decide t'
get up from here, I'm gonna make a point of kickin' his little
green ass.
BUDDY #1: I didn't get his name, Tee.
BUDDY #2: Neither did I, Tee. Sorry.
TRAVIS: Eh, think nothin' of it. [pause] Well, if you gentlemen'll
excuse me, I think I gotta go on a quest now. See ya later.
[At this point, Travis falls backwards in his chair and hits the floor
with a thud. Travis is out cold. His friends laugh and laugh.]
BUDDY #2: That Tee, whatta kidder!
BUDDY #1: Quest -- thassa good one!
[They continue laughing as the lights dim. The curtain falls.]
THE END
