|
|
Another One-Act Play by Joe
Blevins
Based on characters from the movie "Devil Fish"
[Think of this play as sort of a coda to the cinematic symphony
that is "Devil Fish." Remember Peter and Stella -- the stringy,
oddly-accented couple who bravely battled the devil fish and then
planned to take a vacation in the mountains? Oh, come on, sure you
do! They were in the movie a lot! Well, anyway, trust me, they were
pretty much the stars of the film. This play tries to answer the
hypothetical question: How could two people as dumb as Peter and
Stella hope to survive even a minute up in the mountains?]
[The curtain rises.]
[The set looks like something from "Alive." Peter and Stella -- two
Euro-Floridian go-getters in love -- are huddled together under a
beach blanket. They are quite pale, obviously freezing to death.
Behind them we see snow-covered mountain terrain. P & S have a hard
time talking, what with the shivering and the teeth-chattering and
so on. But this is a one-act play, so talk they must...]
STELLA:
Anything left to eat?
PETER:
No. You ate the last Fruit Roll-Up
half an hour ago. Remember?
STELLA:
Oh yeah. We probably should've brought
more than an hour's worth of food on
the trip with us.
PETER:
Yeah. Should've dressed warmer, too.
I didn't think it got so cold in the
Andes... what with it being in South
America and all.
STELLA:
This tube top I'm wearing provides
virtually no protection against the
bitter mountain air.
PETER:
And my cut-off shorts are powerless
against the frigid temperatures.
STELLA:
Peter, if only one of us can survive,
can it be me? I mean, I work with
dolphins and everything, and you're
just a lowly electrician. Besides,
I've got no flesh. I wouldn't provide
any nourishment for you.
PETER:
Hey, I wouldn't be much of a meal
either. And if I'm gone, who will
carry on the memory of my mumbling,
Milli Vanilli-esque assistant? I
was her only friend in the world!
STELLA:
You've got a point. Oh I guess we're
doomed.
[Suddenly, they hear a booming, heavily-echoed voice from above. P &
S
look up.]
VOICE:
Wait! Do not give up!
PETER:
Huh? Who could it be?
STELLA:
Peter, I'm scared. Hold me!
PETER:
Uh, I already am holding you, Stella!
[An actor in a devil fish costume is lowered in from above the stage.
He has a shark's body with the tentacles of an octopus, but you can
see an actor's face through his mouth -- a la the Land Shark from
"Saturday Night Live." The devil fish looks exactly as it did in
the movie, except now it has wings and a halo and is bathed in
white light.]
DEVIL FISH:
Do not be alarmed! I am the Archangel Devil Fish, and I am here
to help you. After you burned me
to death, I was assumed into Heaven
and entered into the grace of God's
Kingdom. Thanks to you, I have now
found the peace and joy that eluded
me in life.
PETER:
So you don't hold a grudge against
us for what we did?
DEVIL FISH:
Of course not. Now, we haven't got
much time left. Grab ahold of one of
my tentacles, and I'll fly you to
safety.
[The devil fish is lowered down closer to Peter and Stella. They
weakly attempt to grab its tentacles.]
STELLA:
Oh, how can we ever thank you, Devil Fish?
DEVIL FISH:
The look of gratitude on your faces
is all the thanks I need.
PETER:
[reaching] Okay, I've almost got ahold
of your tentacle. Just go a little bit lower...
[Suddenly, the Devil Fish rises upward quickly out of Peter and Stella's
reach. Peter and Stella are confused and shocked.]
PETER & STELLA:
Wha...?
DEVIL FISH:
Suckers! You think I was going to
help you after what you did to me?
Fat chance! I hope you freeze your
European asses off out here! Now,
if you'll excuse me, I have a lunch
date with Janis Joplin.
[The devil fish rises up and out of view. Peter and Stella are left
alone to ponder the significance of these events.]
STELLA:
Peter, is there anything left to eat?
PETER:
[impatiently] You already asked that, Stella.
[Curtain falls.]
THE END
