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A Not Too Distant Future
This story is a Mystery Science Theater 3000/Quantum Leap crossover and was
originally posted to alt.tv.mst3k and alt.ql.creative on June 22, 1993.
Part I
The blue flashes faded away as his vision cleared. The roaring sensation left
his ears. Opening his eyes, he looked around.
Blackness.
It was a strange kind of blackness, though. It grew lighter near the bottom
of his vision.
Raising his hand to his face, it came into contact with feathers and some kind
of stiff material. He lifted the hat from over his eyes, and let out a
panicked gasp.
Three strange creatures confronted him. One resembled a gold dog with spindly
arms and legs. Instead of ears it seemed to have some kind of athletic face-
mask on top of its head. The red thing had a gumball machine for a head and
appeared to be constructed primarily of tupperware. The third creature, much
larger than the other two, seemed to be two hinged baby car seats surmounted
by a miner's lamp.
Taking in his surroundings, he saw that he was in a room covered in hexagonal
panels. The floor was strewn with confetti, streamers, and all manner of
unusual hats. Behind him was a large door with a huge letter "G" on it. In
front of him was a flat counter-top. The only thing on the counter besides a
pile of strange hats was a large control unit. It had three buttons on top,
colored red, green, and yellow. Currently the red one was flashing.
Not sure what he was supposed to do or what the red light meant, Sam looked
around for help. The three creatures just kind of looked at him expectantly.
This went on for a few minutes, the red light flashing more insistently with
each passing second. Finally, the gold dog-thing spoke up.
"Uh, Joel? The evil overlords are calling. Aren't you going to answer them?"
When neither of the other creatures answered, Sam realized that his name on
this leap was Joel. "Ok, sure. How am I supposed to do that?"
"You could press the button, Joel," answered the red creature. Behind Sam's
back, the red one whispered to the gold one, "We're going to have to tone down
our hat parties. Joel can't quite handle them any more."
Both the gold creature and the purple one nodded sadly. "Yeah," said the gold
one. "If we get old and worn out, all we have to do is get new parts, or
build new bodies and transfer our ram chips into them."
"Hey," said the purple thing. It's voice was high-pitched and raspingly,
sounding like a soprano with laryngitis. "Let's do that for our invention,
this week."
"Ok," agreed the other two. "Joel, tell the scientists that we have to wait
until the end of the experiment to do the invention exchange."
Sam was still trying to decide if he should press the button or not. He had
also been trying to decide exactly what types of creatures his companions
were. Finally deciding they were robots, if unusually constructed, he guessed
he should trust them. For now, at least. He pressed the button.
A view screen lit up, showing the inside of an underground cavern. Scientific
equipment was strewn all over the place, as if tossed down at random. Several
creatures resembling humanoid moles scurried about, performing unknowable
tasks. There were only two humans in this underground complex.
One, a tall man with disheveled hair dressed all in green. He wore glasses
and an evil leer. His hair was in a ragged ponytail. The other man was even
more unusual. He was dressed all in black with nearly white hair. A lock of
hair curled boyishly across his forehead, adding to his child-like appearance.
"Hi," was all that Sam could think to say.
"Hi, yourself, Joely-poely-pudding-and-pie. What kept you?" asked the man in
green. He looked to Sam like the archetypal mad scientist. Well, except for
the ponytail.
"I, uh, I overslept," he answered lamely. He looked to the robots for help,
but they had left. Vague sounds of tinkering came from off to his left. "I
guess I hit the snooze button and went back to sleep."
"Well, maybe you should put your alarm clock on the other side of your sleep
cubicle. That way, you have to get out of bed to turn it off. By then, you'd
be awake," supplied the man in black helpfully.
"Thank you, Frank," said the man in green.
"Well, it would work," whined Frank.
"I never said that it wouldn't. Now be quiet!" roared the other man.
"Okay. You don't have to yell. I was just trying to help," muttered Frank,
on the verge of tears.
"I warned you, Frank. Do I have to get my melon-baller out again," asked the
man in green.
Reflexively, Frank covered his eyes. "I'll be good, Dr. F. I'll be good!"
"Fine, see that you don't," shot back Dr. F.
Turning back to the view screen, Dr. F said, "Are you ready with your
invention, pink-boy?"
"Well, Dr. F, the robots needed time to work on it, so they asked me if I'd
ask you if we could do the invention exchange after the experiment," replied
Sam.
Dr. F looked vexed. "But I wanted to show you ours, now! No matter. I'll
just have to give you a truly vile experiment this week. Let's see." Dr. F
paused, lost in thought.
Frank tapped him on the shoulder. "What about 'Ice, Ice, Baby' starring that
musical legend Vanilla Ice?"
"No, Frank. That would be too cruel, even for evil mad scientists like us. I
know. We'll send him that cinematic ''classic'' 'One Million Years B.C.' It
stars Raquel Welsh in a tour-de-force as a prehistoric damsel. Rejoice, Joel.
Every actor in this film has a non-speaking role. Enjoy."
The view screen abruptly went blank. Now the yellow button was flashing, a
klaxon was going off, and the room was shaking. The two smaller robots came
running in, yelling "Movie sign! We've got movie sign!"
Sam pressed the flashing button. This time, an airlock opened. He slid into
the airlock and was deposited in a darkened movie theater. He wasn't sure
whether or not he had leaped until he saw the two robots, the gold one
carrying the red one. The movie screen lit up with the words "One Million
Years B.C."
"Oh boy," said Sam.
Part II.
The sound of the Imaging Chamber door opening distracted Sam for a moment. Al
appeared wearing a shirt patterned with various types of architectural motifs,
mostly Art Deco mosaics, all in DayGlo colors. Sam couldn't tell which was
brighter, the shirt or the handlink that Al carried. Not even the darkness of
the theater helped.
"Hey, Sam! Have I got news for you!" began the Observer without preamble.
"What is it?" Sam whispered.
The robots turned in unison. "Huh?" "What?" When Sam didn't answer, they
went back to making fun of the credits.
"How come we've never heard of any of these people, other than Racquel Welsh?"
asked the red robot.
"Because this film was shot on location a million years age? I don't know,
Tom! Why do you ask that during every movie!" replied the gold robot loudly.
"Sorry, Crow. It's a valid question," answered Tom.
"Sam, you're in your own future. Back at the project, it's August 12, 2002.
It's Monday. Today's date for you is August 18, 2002. Sam, it's next
Sunday," explained Al.
"Are you sure? I've never leaped into the future before," said Sam. The
robots were too busy making fun of the movie credits to bother asking Sam who
he was talking to.
"Ziggy says that everything checks out. We don't know why or how, but you are
in the future," replied Al.
'Typical of Ziggy not to have much of a clue of what I'm doing here,' thought
Sam. 'Even a guess could be useful.' "Okay, Al. You go back and find out
who I am and what I'm doing here."
Holding up the handlink with a flourish, Al said, "Oh, I can tell you that,
right now. Your name is Joel Robinson and you are on the Satellite of Love.
Humph, neat name. Wish I was here."
"So do I, Al. Because then I'd be there," Sam said with just a touch of
remorse in his voice. "What else do you have?"
"Well, you used to be a jan. A Jan? Maybe you had a sex change operation,
heh-heh." Al slapped the side of the handlink. It squealed in protest. "Oh,
you used to be a janitor at someplace called the Gizmonic Institute. For some
reason or other, you got your bosses angry at you, so they put you into a low
Earth orbit and send you horrible movies to watch by means of performing some
kind of scientific experiment on you. To get back at them, you took apart a
VCR and built robots out of the pieces." Al paused to indicate the robots,
still tearing apart the credits.
"Do you know what I'm supposed to do here?" asked Sam.
The robots looked at him as if he was from another planet, then turned back to
the movie.
"Well, Sam. To get back at your bosses, and to lessen the effects of the
movies, you and your robot pals, here, make fun of the movies. I guess that's
what you have to do here." Al pushed the button to open the Imaging Chamber
door. He acted as if he were trying to escape.
In a sudden flash of empathy with Joel, Sam asked, "Is Joel stuck up here?"
Al answered reluctantly, not having gotten away quickly enough. "No, Sam. He
get's stuck up here for the rest of his life. The movies eventually drive him
insane." Al stepped through the Door before Sam could ask any more questions.
Sam turned to the movie screen to see what was happening. A single cavemen
was being chased by a warthog across the countryside. "I bet those animal
skins they're wearing really itch." Said Sam, laughing half-heartedly.
"Man, Joel, you really do need to cut down on the hat parties," said Tom. He
turned back to the screen just in time to join Crow in saying "It's... Monty
Python's Flying Circus" and humming the Sousa march.
'Oh, so that's how it's done,' Sam thought to himself.
The caveman leapt across a clearing and the warthog fell into a concealed
hole. Crow, in a warthog-like voice, said, "This job's the pits."
The lone caveman was joined by a few others. One at a time they jump into the
pit until the warthog has stopped moving. Then, they lift it out, but the
oldest caveman falls into the pit.
"I've fallen," begins Tom.
"And I can't get up," supplied Tom.
The other cavemen leave the old guy in the pit, apparently with a broken leg
and carry the warthog off.
"Boy, my leg hurts," tried Sam again. He could tell by the silence that he
still hadn't gotten it quite right.
The cavemen threw the warthog carcass down in front of the king and his two
sons. The one of them reaches down and rips one of the warthog's tusks loose.
"Look," said Sam, "he's practicing to be the tooth fairy."
"That's more like it," congratulated Crow.
* * *
Later, the action switches to a rain-swept cave. By this time, Sam has really
gotten into his role.
"The weather started getting rough, the mighty ship was tossed, if not for the
courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost," chorused the three of
them.
Inside the cave, a feast is in progress. The cavemen are all eating with
their hands, grabbing whatever they want.
"Hey, look, it's Tiny's ancestors. You know, from ''Ring of Terror,'' said
Crow excitedly.
"Wow, they even had fat jokes a million years ago. I'm impressed," agreed
Tom.
Sam couldn't think of much to say, so he tried to follow the plot of the movie
for a while.
* * *
As the feast continues, Tumak, one of the king's sons, gets thrown out of the
cavern. He sets out across a desert.
"Wait a minute," protested Sam. "Wasn't he just in a windswept cavern at
night? Now it's daylight out and it's perfectly dry!"
"Uh, poetic license?" tried Tom.
"Bad editing?" tried Crow.
"They just didn't care," decided Tom and Crow.
Tumak is trudging across dune after dune.
Tom does a warbly, whistly kind of sound.
"It's much too sandy in that direction. My joints will freeze up. I'm going
this way. You can come too if you want," said Crow in his best C-3PO voice.
"On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair," sang Sam.
A giant iguana chases Tumak up one dune and down the next. It looks like an
otherwise normal giant iguana, except that it's bright blue.
"Look, it's ''King Dinosaur!''" shout Tom and Crow, then break into a chorus
of "Joey, the Lemur."
Tumak crests a ridge and sees the ocean. Several blonde haired and blue eyed
cavepeople are cavorting on the beach. Tumak collapses before he can get
halfway down the dune.
"Oh, no, Joel!" screamed Tom in agony. "It's another beach movie."
"Yeah, they even had those a million years ago," explained Sam. "Maybe it
won't be so bad."
"Okay, and maybe you're not really Joel. Bite me, it's fun!" said Crow.
"Uh, Joel, we've gotta go," said Tom. "Could you carry me this time? Crow's
hands are cold."
"Are not!" interjected Crow.
"Are so!" disagreed Tom.
"Cool it, guys," said Sam.
Sam picked up Tom and the three of them left the theater just as a scantily
clad Raquel Welsh runs up to provide Tumak with assistance.
Part III
Tom, Crow, and Sam are standing in back of the desk, ready for the normal host
segment. Tom is dressed in a cap and gown, Sam and Crow are in typical
catholic school attire.
"Because of various questions raised in the course of the movie," said Tom in
a faked-up British accent, drawing out the trailing vowels in the words. "I
have decided to research the parallel origins of fat jokes and beach party
movies."
Sam and Crow gasp appreciatively. Sam was still a little uncomfortable with
the idea of getting dressed up as he was, even after Tom and Crow explained
that it was necessary to infuriate the scientists. Sam was participating
reluctantly.
"Mr. Cambot, please lower the house-lights and activate Rocket Number Nine,"
instructed Tom.
In the general disorientation that followed a leap, Sam hadn't noticed Cambot.
For all intents and purposes, Cambot appeared to be a mobile, semi-autonomous
camera with various arcane powers.
The lights dimmed and the viewscreen opened to reveal a rocky barren
landscape.
"This is the moon," intoned Tom. "It is barren and lifeless."
"Not unlike your loins," whispered Crow to Sam.
"I heard that, Mr. Crow. How'd you like a good caning?"
"Sorry, Professor Servo," apologized Crow.
"Now, as I was saying, this is the moon. No one lives here. It is much like
prehistoric Earth, if prehistoric Earth had no atmosphere and no higher life
forms or water. So ignore that for now." Tom paused to allow them to look at
the moon.
"Now, Mr. Cambot, add water and oxygen."
"And stir briskly," said Crow.
Sam tried to quiet him so he could hear the presentation, but failed.
"Mr. Robinson," said Tom warningly.
The image on the viewscreen changed to show green, rolling hills, white
clouds, and vast oceans. Unfortunately, the vast oceans were above the hills,
and the hills were above the clouds. Everything collapsed into a huge pile of
mud.
"As you can see, after a simulated time of 1.6 million milli-second thingies,
the water will seperate out, magically forming a beach complete with
volleyball net." The sequence of events that Tom described appeared on the
screen as he spoke. "You will notice, however, that there are no people yet."
Crow and Sam nodded.
"Watch." A strangely translucent black surfboard washed up onto the beach. A
passing ape picked it up and planted it upright in the ground. A few more
passing apes gathered around to touch the surfboard. One of the apes picked
up a volleyball and lofted it over his head. It came down and was batted over
the net in one of the most devastating prehistoric jump serves ever.
The apes divided into teams and got a game going. Eventually, an overweight
ape came and joined in. He tried to hit the ball, but ended up falling over,
taking the net with him. The other apes sat there and laughed at him.
"As you can see, that was the first fat joke, as well as the first beach
movie," explained Tom.
"Professor Servo," said Sam, raising his hand.
"Yes, Mr. Robinson? What is it?"
"Well, how can this be the first beach movie if there weren't any people
around to invent a movie camera?"
"Well, uh, I," sputtered Tom. "That's it, Mister. Detention for you."
Sam was about to protest when the room started shaking. "Movie sign!" yelled
Tom and Crow as the yellow light started flashing. Sam hit it, picked up Tom,
and slid through the airlock into the theater.
"I was just getting to the good part, too," pouted Tom as Sam set him down.
"Don't worry," comforted Sam. "Let me take a look at your research later and
I'll let you know what I think."
"Gee, thanks, Joel."
On the screen, Raquel Welsh was trying to return Tumak to consciousness when
an unearthly roar split the oceanside. A giant sea turtle was crawling down
the beach toward them.
"Look! It's Gamera!" shouts Crow.
"Gamera is really neat! Gamera is filled with meat!" sings Tom.
"Yeah, I'm sure," scoffed Sam. "The height to mass ratio alone would preclude
a turtle from getting that large."
"Yeah!" said Tom. "Huh?"
"Hey, Joel," said Crow. "Is that one Donatello or Michelangelo?"
"I don't know. I think it's an Adult Mutated Prehistoric Turtle. Maybe it's
named after some famous cave painter," answered Sam.
The turtle is driven off and Raquel Welsh and her friends bring Tumak back to
their settlement. It is a cave which looks just like Tumak's original home.
The natives (the Shell tribe as opposed to Tumak's Rock tribe) are all blonde-
haired and blue-eyed, but Tumak doesn't notice because he is still
unconscious.
"Meanwhile, in the secret underground bunker of the Aryan Master Race..." said
Tom.
"Is that anything like the Boston Marathon or the Indy 500?" asked Sam.
"Sort of, but not really," answered Crow.
"Hey! I know what this means," said Tom excitedly. "These people represent
the Aryan Race. Tumak has brown hair and eyes. That means that Tumak is
meant to be seen as a prehistoric Hitler. Do I get a RAM chip?"
"Sorry, Tom," said Sam. "That would be too socially conscious a theme for a
movie from this era. If this had been made in the seventies during the end of
the Cold War, then maybe."
"Oh. Well, it was just a thought," said Tom.
Tumak regains consciousness and walks out of the cave, where he sees Raquel
Welsh talking to some of her friends. He goes over and tries to introduce
himself.
"Wow, the first spoken line in the movie," said Crow. "And we only had to
wait forty minutes! Maybe we'll find the plot soon!"
Sam wasn't hopeful. This had to be one of the silliest movies he had seen in
a long time.
"Me Tumak. You inarticulate Nazi moron," said Tom.
"These humans are stupid!" offered Sam. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"
Tumak eventually succeeds in getting across who he is, and the other
cavepeople introduce themselves. Tumak even teaches them what a spear is.
"Look at that shaft! Hubba, hubba," said Crow.
"Crow! Watch your language," admonished Sam.
"The spear, Joel. I meant the spear," said Crow.
"I'll bet you did," said Tom.
* * *
Joel still couldn't believe where he was. The little guy who reminded him
vaguely of Dr. Forrester told him that he was almost a week in his own past.
On Earth. Somehow he had escaped the Satellite of Love. It didn't matter
that he was stuck in this featureless room. At least he was on Earth.
"Now, Joel, since you're from the future, we can show you some of the stuff we
have here, but remember, this is all Top Secret. You can't tell anyone,"
warned Al.
"Okay," said Joel sincerely. "Who'd believe me, anyways."
Al led Joel from the Waiting Room into the Control Room. Ziggy's lights
pulsed and strobed as Al introduce her to Joel. "Mr. Robinson, this is our
parallel hybrid computer, Ziggy."
Joel looked non-plussed. "Pretty kinky name for a pile of Lego blocks and
some lights."
"Really?" said Ziggy.
"I'm sorry, but I've seen the Mads come up with more convincing stuff than
this. I mean, an empty room, a pile of Legoes that talks. Next thing you
know, I'll see a short little guy who does all the work around here while
everybody else just goofs off." Joel was beginning to think that this was
just some trick being played on him by the Mads. How they got him to look
like somebody else was still a mystery. Trapped in the body of a 20th Century
playwright in the sub-basement of a Top Secret government research project.
Joel looked justified as Gooshie waddled past, reams of computer printouts
cradled in his arms and trailing behind him.
"Do we have to take this abuse?" asked Ziggy archly.
"No, Zig. Come on Mr. Robinson," said Al, grabbing him by the arm. "Back to
the Waiting Room you go."
The waiting room door closed, separating Al and Ziggy from Joel.
"Now I can see why his bosses shot him into space," said Al under his breath
as he went back into the Imaging Chamber. He had to tell Sam what he had
found out.
Part IV
Sam, Tom, and Crow are once again gathered around the counter top of the
Satellite of Love. They are dressed normally, except for Crow, who is wearing
a white lab coat. He also has a medical mirror balanced across his rugby
mask.
"Good evening," said Crow in a really, really bad German accent.
"Hello, Mr. Crow," said Sam and Tom.
"No, no, no! You two is dumpkoffs! I am a famous doctor. See the white coat
and the medical thingy?" Crow said angrily.
Sam and Tom turned and looked at each other. "Doctor who?"
"Skip it! I am here today to present to you my new theory," began Crow.
When neither Sam nor Tom said anything, Crow said impatiently, "Well, aren't
you gonna ask me what it is?" He seemed to be oscillating between his normal
voice and the German accent totally at random.
"What is it?" asked Sam obediently.
"'It' is the pronoun used to refer to third-person, singular, having no
particular (or indeterminate) gender. But that's not important right now,"
said Crow. "My theory states that dinosaurs and man did indeed coexist on the
Earth. I will now present evidence to support my theory."
Sam and Tom watched as Crow instructed Cambot to use the Hex-Field ViewScreen
in "Groovy SlideShowRama" mode. The first image to appear was of a
Tyrannosaur, a Brontosaur, and a Caveman lying side by side on a beach.
"My first piece of evidence was taken from a news report titled "Dinosaurus."
They reported that two dinosaurs and a caveman were found frozen in the same
block of ice. Therefore, they must have lived at the same time. Next slide
please."
The picture changed to show a group of cavemen running in terror before an
apparently foam rubber T. Rex. "Here is a slide from the news broadcast
entitled "The Last Dinosaur," which seems to indicate that there is still a
band of cavemen living somewhere near the last existing dinosaur."
Tom whispered to Sam, "Is it live or is it Loch Ness?" Sam stifled a laugh,
but only just.
The image on the Hex-Field ViewScreen changed again. This time it showed a
Brontosaur peacefully grazing in a dense jungle. Before Crow could say
anything, Tom began shouting hysterically. "No!!!! It's 'Lost Continent.' The
pain! The pain! I surrender. No more Rock Climbing, please!!!"
Sam hurriedly quieted him down and Crow continued.
"Here, as you have so correctly surmised, is a recording of the news story
about the discovery of Atlantis, the so called 'Lost Continent.' It clearly
shows a Brontosaur existing in modern times."
The image changed once again to show two pictures side-by-side. "Here, it you
can clearly see the destructive potential of the modern day dinosaurs. On the
left, a slide taken from a documentary called 'Godzilla : King of Monsters.'
See how he can destroy things simply be BREATHING on them.
"On the right, an amphibious dinosaur called by the unthinking masses 'The
Beast from 20,000 Fathoms.' It nearly destroyed New York City, back in the
fifties, before it was itself destroyed."
Sam raised his hand for attention.
"Yes, Mr. Robinson? What is it?" asked Crow irritably.
"Well, don't you think that those two monsters were destructive because of the
way they were treated? Godzilla had an atomic bomb dropped on him and then
people started calling him a monster. The Beast was probably upset because
everyone kept calling him a Beast."
"A very good point, Joel," applauded Tom, who would have if his arms were
longer.
"Ah-em. Now, for my most devastating piece of evidence. We see in this slide
a--"
The room began to shudder violently, accompanied by klaxons and flashing
lights.
"Movie sign! We've got movie sign!" yelled Tom and Sam as they slid into the
airlock and descended the chute into the theater.
When Sam, Tom, and Crow sat down, Crow was still complaining. "But, Joel, I
didn't even get to use my best piece of evidence: The Flintstones Files. It
would have proven my case beyond a doubt."
"I really doubt that, Crow," said Sam.
The movie still wasn't being shown. The theater remained dark.
Sam started a little as the Imaging Chamber door opened. Before Al could say
anything, Sam spoke to Tom and Crow. "Why don't you two go check on the
communications relays. Maybe that's why nothing's happening here."
The robots agreed and left the theater.
"It's about time, Al. This movie is awful!" said Sam.
"Yeah, but it does have its good points. I mean, what with Raquel Welsh being
dressed as she is, I can think of two right now," said Al wistfully.
"Al, you are depraved," admonished Sam. "What new information do you have for
me?"
"Well, Sam, it turns out that you ARE supposed to help Joel get home," began
Al.
Before he could get any farther, Sam interrupted. "That's great, Al! How do I
do it?"
"I was just getting to that. You have to tot." Al looked more closely at the
handlink. "Maybe you have to have a kid with one of the robots?" When he saw
Sam's look, Al hit the side of the handlink. The display remained the same.
Al lashed out to the side with the handlink. As it struck the Imaging Chamber
wall, it briefly flashed into existence for Sam.
The handlink let out a strangled gurgle, then began working again. "Ally.
Ally? Ziggy, what do you mean? Oh, right. Totally. Sam, you have to
totally disrupt the scientists enjoyment of the invention exchange by coming
up with an invention at least as good as theirs."
"But the robots have already been working on it for a while, now," said Sam.
"Besides, I don't know how to make something out of all the mismatched spare
parts around here."
"Well, then, just make sure that the robots' invention works like it's
supposed to," said Al. "Oh, here come your friends. I'm outta here."
The Imaging Chamber door opened and shut and Al was gone once again.
"Hey, Joel, how come we had to go and look at the comm relays? Why couldn't
you?" asked Tom.
Before Sam could answer, Crow interjected. "Are you kidding, Tom. Joel, all
alone in a dark room. I think that says it all."
"Yeah," agreed Tom. "Uh, what DOES it say, Crow?"
"Oh, well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you," said Crow
childishly.
Sam motioned them to silence as the movie began once again. The screen showed
a group of cavemen from the Rock tribe wandering through some rough stone
hills. Every once in a while, they'd come to a sizable hill that they had to
climb rather than walk around.
"Oh, no! It's Rock Climbing!" screamed Tom and Crow. "Why, why, why, why,
why?!? Those scientists are evil, EVIL I tell you."
"I don't think it's so bad, guys," said Sam. "Kind of peaceful and idyllic."
"Yeah, well, so's death, but you don't see everyone trying THAT, do you?"
asked Crow.
"Well, uh, actually ..." began Tom.
"Okay. Bad example."
For some reason that neither the 'bots nor Sam can understand (though they
wouldn't admit it if you asked them), the king of the Rock people was hanging
from a cliff. His son was standing over him.
"Hey, look, it's Elvis," said Tom. "He's King of all Rock people!"
"Groovy," said Sam.
The king's son kicks at the king's hands.
"And ... I ... have had ... enough ... of you!" said Tom in his best Captain
Kirk voice.
The king falls from the cliff and the king's son and the rest of the cavemen
just walk away.
"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up," said Sam.
"Hey, come back here. I'm not dead yet," said Crow. "Bunch of big, fat
dickweeds."
Part V
Sam, Tom, and Crow are still watching the movie in the theater. A more-or-
less human sized T. Rex is terrorizing Raquel Welsh's village. Tumak goes out
and starts fighting it with a long tree limb.
"Hey, guys, look at the size of Tumak's log!"
"Tom," said Sam warningly.
"Okay, okay. Geez."
"I wouldn't touch that dinosaur with a 10-foot pole," said Crow.
"Yeah, but he would," said Tom, as Tumak jabbed his tree limb at the T. Rex.
After much parrying and thrusting, Tumak succeeds in stabbing the dinosaur
through the, uh, let's just say "nether-regions."
Sam, Crow, and Tom recoil with gasps of mock pain.
"Ouch. That hadda hurt!" said Tom in sympathy.
Tumak gets his spear and uses it to pin the T. Rex's neck to the ground until
it dies. He pulls the spear out.
Later, Tumak and his Aryan friends are near a beach, and some of them are
swimming. Tumak goes into the water tentatively.
"Hey, there's a warm spot here!" complained Crow.
Tumak gets out of the water and a large Pteranodon begins pestering the group.
It makes repeated dives at them and finally succeeds in grabbing Raquel in
it's foot.
"Look - it's Prehistoric Airlines. Fly the hungry skies," said Tom.
"Joel, why do they say Teranodon when it's spell P-teranodon?" asked Crow.
"Well, that's because the P is silent," explained Sam.
"Oh," considered Crow. "Then why use it at all, if it doesn't make any
difference?"
"I don't know," said Sam exasperatedly. "Just watch the movie."
The Pteranodon was about to lower Raquel into its nest to feed her hatchlings,
when a Pterodactyl flies by and starts fighting the Pteranodon. The Pteranodon
wheels out over the water and finally drops Raquel.
"Look. Live, from Costa Rica. It's women's foot diving," said Tom.
Raquel is rescued and the tribe sets off for healthier climes.
The scene switches yet again, this time to the cave of the Rock people.
"Meanwhile, in slovenly central..." said Tom.
A strange rattling sound is heard and a familiar, if dirty, face is seen.
It's the king. He is alive, if a little crazed.
"I told you I wasn't dead, yet," said Crow.
"Hey, isn't he just a little insane. Look at his eyes," said Sam.
"Well, wouldn't you be a bit off if your eldest son had just kicked you off a
cliff to your death?" asked Tom.
"Okay. I see your point," said Sam.
The scene switches yet again to show the Rock people and Shell people engaged
in an epic battle. The Shell people are clearly winning, but they are taking
heavy losses.
"Look! It's World War II. And the Nazis are winning!" said Crow.
Tumak wrestles a Rock tribesman to the ground.
"Oooh, I feel all itchy now. I touched Tumak," said Tom.
"I think you mean sumac, Tom," corrected Sam.
"Oh, yeah. Right."
"You know, Joel, I have one problem with this film," said Crow.
"And what's that, Crow," asked Sam.
"Well, wouldn't it have made more sense to have Raquel Welsh be a member of
the Rock tribe? And why are there no subtitles? I thought this movie was
supposed to be American made, so why don't they speak American?"
"Crow, you said one question," said Sam. "Now, I don't have any answers to
any of your questions, but maybe you can answer one of mine."
"Okay, shoot," said Crow.
"Why does it seem that some of the scenes were missing from this movie and
some were out of order?" asked Sam.
"Well, uh, it's not my fault. I mean, I didn't accidentally hit the scrambler
unit on the comm relay when I called 1-900-HOT-BOTS. There's no way I would
ever do anything like that."
"There isn't, huh?" said Sam. "Well maybe I'll have to punish you by--"
"Make him clean the load pan bay all by himself, Joel," urged Tom.
"No, not that. Anything but that," pleaded Crow.
"That's just what you're going to do, Crow. And you're going to enjoy
yourself while you do it," instructed Sam.
The credits were already half-over by the time they left the theater.
They were all back in the control room when the red light started flashing.
Sam was about to hit it when Crow, in his best Daffy Duck voice, warned, "No!
Not the red one! Don't ever push the red one."
Sam hit it anyway. The viewscreen activated to show the mad scientists. They
didn't look happy at all.
"Alright, Joel. You may have totally invalidated this experiment with your
self-proclaimed jocularity, but I've got you now. It's time for the invention
exchange and that means that I'll win," gloated Dr. Forrester.
Frank threw back his head and laughed evilly. When he saw that Dr. F wasn't
laughing he stopped, flushing with embarrassment.
"Go for it!" yelled Crow.
"Yeah, we can take it!" said Tom.
"I wouldn't be too sure, but I'll let you go first anyways. I can at least be
gracious in my evil geniusness," said Dr. F.
"Alright, here goes nothing," said Sam as the robots wheeled out a large round
platform connected to a control pedestal. It was a scaled down version of the
Quantum Leap Accelerator.
"Oh boy," said Sam weakly.
Part VI
Sam looked at the machinery in wonder. "How'd you guys ever build this?
Where'd you get the idea?"
Crow answered with a flourish. "Well, in the SOL video libraries, there are a
lot of old Sci-Fi TV shows. There's one that Tom and I watched called
'Captain Galaxy.' It's all about this guy who flies around in space and
fights evil. He even has a cool sidekick named Future Boy."
"Yeah. Hey, Joel, recently you've reminded me a little bit of Future Boy,"
said Tom. "I don't know why, but the resemblance is there."
Sam did his best to ignore this as he continued to examine the equipment.
"Anyway," Crow continued. "They used to read a letter at the end of each
show. One day some stupid, snot-nosed kid wrote in and asked about time
travel."
Tom took up the story. "Being a space age genius, Captain Galaxy answered the
brat's question easily. He said something to the effect of 'Your life is a
string that you move along in one direction only. But what happens if you cut
that string out of the larger weave that is the Universe and ball it up. Now
the string touches itself in all sorts of places and you can move from any one
section of the string to another, just moving to any time within your own life
time."
"Theoretically," said Sam, trying to suppress a grin of pride.
"Well, yeah. No one's ever tried it before," said Crow.
"Hurry it up, Joel," complained Doctor Forrester.
"Yes, sir," said Sam.
"Now, Joel, if you'd allow us to demonstrate?" asked Crow tentatively.
The Imaging Chamber door opened and an out-of-breath Al ran through it.
"Don't do it, Sam. Ziggy says that you will leap again, but that there's a
good chance that we'd lose contact with you forever."
Sam considered. The machine began humming as Crow manipulated the controls.
In the background, Crow and Tom were discussing where to send their victim,
uh, volunteer.
"How's about we send him back in time a week and leave him in the middle of a
desert?" suggested Tom.
"Yeah, just like in the movie!" agreed Crow forcefully. "Let's see, New
Mexico has a desert, right?"
"I guess so," said Tom uncertainly. "It's better than nothing."
"Come on, Sam," said Al warningly. "You can't seriously be considering
getting into that thing, can you?"
"Why not? That's how it all started, right?"
"But Joel's not even in the Waiting Room, anymore. He escaped somehow and we
can't find him. We've stationed guards everywhere, we've implemented all
kinds of screwy search patterns, but nothing seems to be working," worried Al.
"Did you say everywhere?" asked Sam.
"Yeah, why?" wondered Al.
Before Sam could answer, the Satellite of Love collided with a sizable
meteorite. It didn't do much damage to the structure itself, but it did knock
its occupants around quite a bit. Unable to steady himself, Sam was thrown
headlong into Tom and Crow's mini-Accelerator.
In a flash of blue, green, and orange plaid, Sam vanished.
"Uh-oh," said Crow. "I think we did something wrong."
Seconds later a form began to materialize on the Accelerator platform. The man
resembled Joel only slightly, but that didn't matter. Their invention
actually worked!
The control console disappeared amid a flash of sparkling plaid. It appeared
next to Dr. Forrester on the viewscreen.
"Well, my little 'phages, I guess my invention works better than yours after
all. My matter transporter was able to grab you temporal/spatial thingy. Now,
I have both and you don't have any."
"Nyah nyah nyah-nyah nyah," taunted Frank.
"Hey, wait a minute," said Dr. F, noticing the figure on the platform for the
first time. "You're not Joel."
The figure grinned and stepped off the platform. "No. I'm a security guard
from the Project. I heard what you guys do up here and I think this is gonna
be fun."
The sparkling plaid/arcing blue lightning receded from his view just as the
roaring sound died away. If looks meant anything, he was back in the Quantum
Leap Accelerator Chamber. He was finally home. It would've been nice if he
remember why he had leapt. One second he was on the Satellite of Love,
looking at a miniature version of the PQL Accelerator, the next moment he was
here. As he half expected, his memories of the past leaps began to fade.
Soon, they would seem no more than stories told to him by somebody else, a
long time ago.
Sam was just coming out of the Accelerator Chamber when a person who looked
just like him rushed past. The other guy had even been dressed in a Fermi-
suit. Before Sam could stop him, the door to the Accelerator slid shut and
the sound of rising power could be heard. After a few seconds, the door re-
opened.
The Accelerator Chamber was empty.
Back at Project : Quantum Leap, technicians were running everywhere. Sam
Beckett had returned. After nearly six years lost in the time-stream, he was
home. Too bad he was in the body of somebody named Joel. (At least that's
what it said on his red jumpsuit.)
THE END ?
DISCLAIMER:
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 1996
Best Brains, Inc. Gizmonics is a copyrighted trademark of Joel Hodgson. This
publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights or opinions held by
Best Brains, Comedy Central, its employees or Joel Hodgson. "A Not Too
Distant Future" is copyright 1993 Doug Geiger.
