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Another one-act play by Joe
Blevins
Based on characters from "THE FINAL SACRIFICE"
[Setting: A campfire in the forest. Nighttime. Somewhere in Canada
in the 1980s.]
[Curtain rises.]
["Zap" Rowsdower -- a paunchy, mustachioed schlub with hockey hair --
is warming his sausage-like fingers by the fire. Troy -- a pale,
helium-voiced lad -- is curled up on the ground facing away from
Rowsdower.]
TROY:
Rowsdower?
[A beat.]
ROWSDOWER:
[stoically] Yeah, kid?
TROY:
How come ya have that mustache?
[A beat.]
ROWSDOWER:
'Cause I like havin' a mustache.
Get some sleep.
[A few seconds pass. Rowsdower scratches himself.]
TROY:
Rowsdower?
ROWSDOWER:
What is it, kid?
TROY:
When I die, will I go to heaven?
ROWSDOWER:
You ask a lotta questions, kid.
TROY:
Yeah, but will I?
ROWSDOWER:
Sure. Now get to sleep.
[Troy remains quiet for about thirty seconds. During that time,
Rowsdower quietly hums a Guess Who song and plays "air drums"
with his index fingers.]
TROY:
Uh... Rowsdower?
ROWSDOWER:
Look, kid, I said get to sleep.
TROY:
I know, but...
ROWSDOWER:
...But what?
TROY:
Well, I... er... can't get to sleep
unless...
ROWSDOWER:
[impatient] Unless what?
TROY:
Unless someone tells me a story.
ROWSDOWER:
Oh, for the love of....
TROY:
C'mon, Rowsdower, please? For me?
ROWSDOWER:
[sighs] Oh, all right! Once upon a
time, in a magical kingdom known as
Canada, there was a very brave young
prince.
TROY:
What was his name?
ROWSDOWER:
His name? Uh... his name was Gary.
Anyway, one day Prince Gary was walking
along in the forest and...
TROY:
[interrupting] Did he have any brothers?
ROWSDOWER:
Uh, sure. He had three brothers.
TROY:
What were their names?
ROWSDOWER:
Uh, they were Brian, Patrick, and...
uh... Tommy. Are you gonna let me
finish this story or not?
TROY:
[sheepishly] I'm sorry. Go ahead
with the story.
ROWSDOWER:
So Prince Gary was walking along in
the forest and he found an enchanted
bottle of Molson Canadian. And since he
was real thirsty, he drank it, and it gave
him super strength, and he lived happily
ever after. The end.
[A few precious seconds of silence. Rowsdower heaves a sigh of
relief, thinking Troy's gone to sleep.]
TROY:
Rowsdower?
ROWSDOWER:
[clearly annoyed] What is now, kid?
TROY:
Did Prince Gary get married?
ROWSDOWER:
Yes... to a woman named Susan... and
they had three kids... and their names
were Phyllis, Mark, and Sharon. Now GO
TO SLEEP!!!!
[Dead silence for about a minute. Rowsdower starts to drift off to
a boozy slumber.]
TROY:
Rowsdower?
[Rowsdower puts his hands over his ears and starts singing to drown
out Troy.]
ROWSDOWER:
Lalalalala...I'm not listening...
lalalalala
TROY:
[a little louder] Rowsdower?
ROWSDOWER:
Nanananana....I can't hear you...
nanananana
TROY:
Rowsdower, will _I_ ever get married?
How come you aren't married yet? What's
that smell in your truck? What do you
do for a living, anyway? Do you ever
change clothes? Can I go to the bathroom?
[Troy continues asking questions, and Rowsdower continues to ignore
him as the lights dim. The curtain falls.]
THE END
