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From: sensor@next.duq.edu (Michael L Sensor)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k
Subject: 12 to the Moon: Alternate Ending
Date: 7 Feb 1994
I was a bit disappointed by the whole "12 to the Moon" experience; I thought
that Mike & Co. should have riffed on the feature a bit more and on the
short a bit less. (Though the short *was* one of the strangest bits of
cinema I have ever seen.)
Thus, I've concocted this alternate ending to show #524. Send flames to
/dev/null. :-)
************
7-6-5-4-3-2-1-*
[Interior, SoL. On the table/lectern is an action figure which looks a
heck of a lot like Cpt. Anderson {That's meee!} from today's experiment.
Some type of GI Joe figure with blond hair and a jumpsuit, I suppose.
Said action figure is in a prisoner's dock.
[Mike & Co. enter. All are dressed in judicial robes and wigs. Mike is holding
a gavel.]
MIKE Oyez, oyez, oyez. This Court of Bad Film Adjudication is now in session.
All those wishing to be heard, draw nigh.
TOM Yeah, *I* wish to be heard...
MIKE Proper protocol, Counsellor.
TOM Yes, sorry. Your Honor, *I* wish to be heard. The State contends that
"12 to the Moon" is one of the *worst* pieces of trash ever to make
it to celluloid.
MIKE Bailiff, the list of charges?
GYPSY The State averrs:
1. That "12 to the Moon" flagrantly ignored established laws of
physics and gravity, to wit:
a. Complete ignorance of the fact that accelerating
rocketships tend to have high G-forces;
b. Blatant disregard of the absence of Earth's gravitational
field in space;
c. Use of quack science to justify a budget shortfall, ie.,
failure to put even a semblance of a faceplate on the alleged
moon helmets...
CROW I object, Your Honor! These palookas didn't have the bucks to simulate
zero-gee!
MIKE Overruled, Counsellor Crow. It was filmed by Columbia Pictures, who
knew or should have known of the dangers of low effects budgets.
Continue, Bailiff.
GYPSY c. Disregard of the fact that in space, simple north-south
coordinate systems are useless, and failure to utilize a
three-dimensional system of positioning... and, here's the
kicker, guys...
...d. THERE IS NO STEAM IN A VACUUM!
MIKE [shaking head] I don't know, Counsellor T. Robot, maybe it's time
to consider a plea bargain.
CROW Never!
GYPSY 2. Poor or nonexistent plot development, the inclusion of pet animals
who serve no other purpose other than to satisfy the whims of
unknown MoonMen(tm)...
CROW Objection, Your Honorableness! My client had to include a cocker
spaniel so that Captain Manmusk -- I mean, Anderson -- could be
properly warned of the flaming moonrock about to engulf Lunar Eagle One!
TOM Oh, *right*, Mister Mistymeanor, ever hear of Halon? Sheesh, you'd think
a society advanced enough to develop lunar flight would have a better
early warning system that a DOG, for crying out loud!
[Tom lunges towards Crow]
I'll get you, you penny-ante shyster...
MIKE Guys, guys, *I*'m the judge here.
[Holds Tom back]
Go on.
GYPSY ... the sudden development of a linguist's ability to read a
language with a completely different orthography, syntax, and
grammar in under 20 seconds...
CROW What else was my client supposed to do? We needed a plot development!
TOM Well, Mr. Chomsky-Nomsky, let's see YOU try to read Klingonese without
training!
GYPSY ... Whimsically disappearing characters, and unrealistic conflicts
between characters of different nationalities and ethnic backgrounds.
MIKE Um, Crow, a plea bargain? Please?
TOM The State recommends the maximum, Your Reasonableness.
CROW I refuse to accommodate to a plea bargain, Your Honestyness. My client
is a troubled person. All his life he's been burdened with awful
nicknames -- "Crotch Codpiece", "Jack Hammersledge", "Cliff Manpuller",
et al. Why? I'll tell you why. Because he's got a big...
[Looks at action figure]
... a large... um... AREA. Yes, a large area. And it was because of
this area that he became what he was. Yes, he has his defects.
But don't we all? It's not HIS fault that this movie was a real
stinker -- and I'm not denying it -- but...
TOM Aw, can it, F. Beetle Bailey. Mike, give him the ax, and fast.
MIKE Well... [deep voice] Captain Crotch "Codpiece" Anderson, after
considering the facts before me, I find you guilty of a severe and
extreme disregard for human life and common sense, and sentence you
to an eternity's worth of hard labor -- in The Future. May God have
mercy on your eternal soul.
[Puts a Dixie or similar cup over the action figure]
Oh.... [deep sonorous voice] Nuveena, bring your body hither,
For we've got something that's got us in a dither.
[Nuveena appears]
TOM Oh, brother, not again.
CROW I'm telling ya, Tom, he's lost it over her.
NUVEENA My brave starman, what is it that you
Request of me this day to do?
MIKE Remove, I ask, this foul beast
From my presence -- it's the least
That you can for my poor soul
NUVEENA Oh, yes, kind sir, and where shall I
With this wretched thing now fly?
MIKE There's a place down there called Deep 13
It sure would make a lovely scene
if you brought Manmusk there, clean!
NUVEENA Just say the word, and off I trot
To Deep 13... But, The Future it's not!
[Nuveena disappears]
TOM Geez, Mike, are you *ever* going to get over that girl?
MIKE I don't know, Tom. She certainly has that...
CROW je nais sai quoi?
MIKE Or however you spell it.
TOM So, that's the end of Crunch Studpiece, then.
MIKE It looks that way.
TOM Ah, Captain Anderson, we hardly knew ye.
CROW Whaddaya think, sirs?
[Cut to Deep 13. Dr. F. and Frank looking concerned, because Nuveena is
whirling around with a life-sized Captain Anderson in tux and top hat with
the requisite mask.]
FRANK Uh, guys, Dr. F. is sort of tied up right now. We've got this
little infestation of beings from The Future.
[Looks back at Dr. F., who is chasing Nuveena and Stud Slambank around
with one of those big bug-spray things that you see in cartoons.]
I can barely hear with all this singing.
[Dr. F. comes to the screen]
DR. F. Metropolis, this is *all* *your* *fault*! See if I give you your
usual air ration next time!
[Nuveena and Peter Pistonbeat whirl closer to Dr. F, who tries to spray them
away with the bug sprayer. Cliff Pitonspear punches out Dr. F., who
collapses.]
BIFF BLASTER U.S.A.!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Frank picks up the sprayer, and continues to try to spray the two whirling
whirligigs. Stuff Slamdance punches out Frank as well.]
MR. STUDLY U.S.A.!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Mr. Studly punches the keyboard.]
*blip*
[as picture is fading....]
MR. STUDLY U.S.A.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CREDITS
MST3K Original Concept by Joel Hodgson
Written by Michael Sensor
Laws of Physics by Various Scientists
Laws of Gravity by Isaac Newton
Gravitational Pull by g=1/d^2
Judicial Wigs by The Wiggery, Brooks Towne Centre
Judicial Robes by Robes, Robes, Robes, Easte Ville Commons
Gavel by More Than Just Gavels, North South East Village Centre Place Gallery
Action Figure by Action Figures!, Downtown
Hair by Mr. Crow of Beverly Hills
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's been a *long* day.
Whaddaya think, sirs?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael L. Sensor | KD3LR/AFA1UP
Duquesne University | (Home of WB3BOI 440 MHz Digipeater/Gateway)
School of Law | "This one's real freaky. He must
Pittsburgh, PA | listen to Rush." -- Joel Hodgson
