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INT SOL.
(Mike and the 'bots have just come out of the first
commercial and are chatting idly when the red call light
goes on.)
MIKE: Hold that thought, you guys, Paul Bartel and Mary
Woronov are calling. (Hits red button.)
INT DEEP 13.
(TV's Frank is standing behind a barbeque grill, wearing a chef's hat and apron.)
FRANK: Oh, hi, guys. Say, nice EATING RAOUL reference
there... (Dr. Forrester walks into view)
DR. F: Don't flatter yourself, Frank, they probably saw the
apron. (He turns to face the camera; Franks briefly
mouths "nyeh nyeh nyeh" behind his back, then goes
back to his cooking.) Well, Blondie, down here on
old Planet Earth -- you remember Earth, don't you?
(he and Frank chuckle evilly at one another) --
anyway, summer's here and the time is right for
cookouts in the streets, boy!
FRANK: Thats' right, there's something almost primal about
a man, an open flame, and a hunk of raw animal
flesh. (He holds up a flaming piece of steak with
his tongs. Dr. Forrester grabs a fire extinguisher
and fogs the meat.)
DR. F: Dammit, Frank, how many times do I have to tell you
about burning things in the lab?!? (Regains his
composure.) Anyway, we at Deep 13 are getting into
the food preparation business with our new line of
theme cookbooks. For instance... (Picks up one book
with some Olde English farmers on the cover.)
Here's one for you European history buffs: "The
Breughal Gourmet," featuring such delicacies as...
(riffles through the pages) Ah! Here we are.
"Peasant Under Glass." Mmmmm...
(Frank has now joined Dr. Forrester, and holds up his own
book, featuring a white-hooded figure on the cover).
FRANK: For you Southern cuisine purists, we have "Klan Can
Cook," with a scrumptious recipe for vanilla sheet
cake!
DR. F: But of course, all this good food can only lead to
overeating. That's why we're also offering this
companion book, "The Deep 13 Diet." (Holds up a
book showing a guy with his lips sewed shut.) AND
the needle and thread are included at no additional
charge. Chew on THAT, Mr. Sugarless Gum.
INT SOL.
(Gypsy appears in front of the camera, wearing a porkpie
hat.)
GYPSY: Say you went out for a Zima...
(She moves off-camera. Mike is standing behind the SOL
console, wearing a bartender's apron. Tom and Crow walk
into the shot, wearing backwards baseball caps and flannel
shirts.)
MIKE: Hi guys. What'll it be?
BOTH BOTS: Zima!
(Gypsy reappears.)
GYPSY: What if there wasn't any Zima?
(She moves off-camera again. Mike looks puzzled.)
MIKE: Uhh...Sorry, guys, never heard of it. (He gives the
'bots a quizzical look.)
TOM: You know -- ZIMA! That yuppie sodapop the Coors
Brewing Company has been pushing recently.
CROW: The stuff that tastes like Fresca, but with a hint
of malted battery acid...
TOM: Or owl urine...
CROW: Actually, I've always found the taste reminiscent of
TV Frank's bath water.
MIKE: Hmm. Well, the only thing I've got that tastes like
Frank's bath water is this.
(He puts two bottles marked "BOOZE" on the console.
Offscreen, there is the sound of screeching tires and a car
crash. The 'bots look at each other, then at the bottle.
CROW: Uh... Booze. Okay.
TOM: Booze is good Sure!
(Mike nods, happy to be of service, and turns his back on
the 'bots.)
CROW: (whispering) What is this stuff?
TOM: (whispering) I don't know! Just drink it!
(Gypsy reappears.)
GYPSY: (whispering) Booze is a generic alcoholic beverage!
(She moves off-camera again. Mike looks turns and faces the
'bots again.)
TOM: Ya know, I kinda like this stuff.
MIKE: Anything else, guys?
CROW: Yeah, how about a pack of Mentos?
(Mike looks puzzled again. The red call light comes on.)
TOM: (to camera) What day is this, sirs?
INT DEEP 13.
(Frank is looking at a videocassette box. Dr. Forrester
comes up behind him and looks over his shoulder.)
DR. F: What's that?
FRANK: Some movie. It's supposed to terrible. (Tries to
hand it to Dr. Forrester) You wanna watch it?
DR. F: I'm not gonna watch it. YOU watch it! (Pushes the
tape back at Frank.)
FRANK: (tries to push the tape back at Dr. Forrester) I'M
not gonna watch it!
(They both look at the camera.)
DR. F: Saaaaaay, let's get Mikey!
FRANK: Yeah! He won't like it. He hates everything!
INT SOL.
MIKE: Hey, come on now, Evil-niks. You know I watch
everything you throw at us with an open mind.
INT DEEP 13.
DR. F: (sarcastically) An "open mind," eh? Really.
(sticks his face all the way into the camera) Guess
that's why your BRAIN FELL OUT! (chuckles evilly)
So here's something to fill up that empty cavity: a
rancid little turkey from the kitchens of Chef Bert
I. Gordon. It's called FOOD OF THE GODS, and I've
already had last rites said for your gag reflexes.
FRANK: Shall I "toss up" the movie, Steve?
DR. F: Er, yes. Nicely put, Frank.
(He rubs his hands briskly and gloats. Frank walks off-
camera, singing.)
FRANK: (to the tune of "A Spoonful of Sugar") "Oh, reverse
peristalsis makes the medicine come up/In the most
disgusting waaaayyy..."
INT SOL.
(Mike, Tom, and Crow are clustered around Gypsy, who's
wearing a garish outfit.)
CROW: Shopped at Clothestime, huh?
GYPSY: Sometimes I run the higher functions of the
ship...ARE YOU SURPRISED?
(The movie sign lights/buzzer go off.)
MIKE: No, and here's something else that's no surprise...
ALL: AAAAAIGH, WE HAVE MOVIE SIGN!
(Everyone dashes to the theater.)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
