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OK, so by now pretty much everyone on here knows that Joel is leaving *sniff*
and that Mike Nelson is replacing him. The big question now is how are they
gonna do it? Well, I remember when Joel's leaving was just a rumor. One of
the possibilities discussed was that Joel might be replaced by a woman. Well,
being a Ranma 1/2 fan, I got an idea for how they might make the switch. Now
that summer vacation has begun, I have time to write this. So I'd now like to
present for you how BBI might make the switch if, instead of Mike Nelson, they
chose a female, like Mo Gaffney, Elaine Boosler, or Lisa Jenkins :-), to
replace Joel.
In Another Dimension...
Joel 1/2
[Opening Song]
1..2..3..4..5..6..G
[SOL. Balloons are everywhere, on the walls, table, Joel & the 'bots holding
some. A bit of confetti is scattered on the table. It looks as though
another party is occurring. Crow and Tom are talking in the background]
JOEL: Oh, hi everyone and welcome to [sucks on balloon] the Satellite of
Love. My name's Joel Robinson and these here are my bots. [his voice is a bit
higher due to the helium]
TOM: [also high pitched due to helium] Howdy do!
CROW: [sounds vaguely like a chipmunk] Pleased ta meet'cha!
JOEL: [sucking again on a balloon] We were just relaxing up here, having a
little party, when one thing led to another and, well, [taking another drag]
we started talking about helium.
CROW: Yeah, helium. Wooo. [Lets go of a balloon. It flies briefly about
the ship]
TOM: [Trying to sound low and serious even though he now sounds more like
Bobby from Howie Mandel's Bobby's World] Yes, helium, that amazing element
used for party balloons and cold fusion experiments which also has the power
to make your voice sound really goofy and high.
CROW: [Now sounding like a chipette] Yeah, high. Just get a load of this.
Mi mi mi mi mi. Ha ha. Woooo. [Lets another balloon go]
MAGIC VOICE: [Also high pitched] Commercial sign in fifteen seconds. Can
you lower the helium concentration a bit? I'm starting to get affected too.
JOEL: Sure. Sorry, Magic Voice. We just got a little carried away there.
You know what they say, [Takes another pull. Now sounds like a chipmunk
himself] boys will be boys.
CROW: [Takes a pull himself] Yeah, and chipmunks will be chipmunks. Wooo.
[Lets go of this balloon]
JOEL: [To Crow] Now, come on Crow, Magic Voice asked us to ease up.
CROW: OK. But it's so much fun. [A small balloon escapes from under the
table in front of Crow]
MAGIC VOICE: [one or two more balloons escape from Crow. As Magic Voice
speaks, each word gets successively higher] Commercial sign in
five...[higher] four...[higher] three...[you get the idea] two...*SQUEAK!*
JOEL: Now you've done it, Crow.
TOM: [Like a chipmunk] Yeah, Crow, you have to spoil everything.
JOEL: [Looking up] Don't worry Magic Voice, we'll have you fixed up in no
time. [To camera] We'll be right back. [Hits button]
[Commercial Break]
[SOL looks normal again. Or at least cleaned up, no more balloons. Everyone
sounds normal. Joel talks to Crow center left (from our perspective). Tom is
on the right side (Joel's left. i.e. - C J T, not that it matters much).]
JOEL: Now, Crow, you shouldn't do things like that, especially if someone
asks you not to.
TOM: Yeah, Crow.
Joel: [Turns to Tom] Now, Tom, Let's not start... [Light on table starts
flashing] Uh-oh! Big Joe Bob and Doreen are calling, guys! [Hits button]
[Deep 13. Frank is walking aimlessly in the background.]
DR. F: Well now, Joel, enough with the name calling. Let's get on with this
week's invention exchange.
[SOL. Joel now holds what appears to be a typical laser gun. Black, shiny,
green light on the side, maybe a red trim, etc.]
JOEL: Well Sirs, my invention this week came to me while trying to fix Magic
Voice. You see, heh, the 'bots got a little carried away with the helium and,
well,... Anyway, you know how when you used to go to high school dances, all
the boys would line up on one side of the gym, and all the girls would line up
on the other. It took time for the two to mingle, and when they did there was
invariably more of one than the other. Well, my invention this week solves
this problem. It's a sex-change ray gun. I call it the Jhusenkyu 2000. You
just point it at the person, pull the trigger, and presto, they are now of the
opposite sex. I was going to use it on Magic Voice but, ah-heh, she doesn't
have a body. So now to demonstrate the uses of the Jhusenkyu 2000, our very
own Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo.
CROW: Wow, what a dull dance.
TOM: Yeah, and all the girls are already dancing with someone else, or don't
know how to dance.
CROW: What'll we do?
TOM: Well, we could dance with each other...
CROW: Two guys dancing together? We'd never live it down.
JOEL: Ah, but now with the new Jhusenkyu 2000 you can do just that without
fear of ridicule. Observe. [Joel fires the gun at Tom. A red beam comes out
and envelopes Tom in a red glow for a second, then fades. Being a robot,
there is of course no physical change.]
TOM: [His/her voice now an octave higher.] Wow. Now we can dance.
CROW: Wow, Tommy, I never knew you looked so good as a girl.
TOM: Now don't joke too much Crow. Next time it's your turn. Joel, party's
over. Change me back, OK?
JOEL: No problem. [He fires again. This time, a blue glow envelopes Tom.]
How's that?
TOM: [Now back to his old self] Great. Thanks.
JOEL: What do you think, Sirs?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: Very intriguing. But how do we know it really works? You've only
used it on a robot so far.
[Cut to SOL]
JOEL: Well, I could... [Suddenly, the green light on the gun starts flashing
red and beeping.]
TOM: Um, Joel, is it supposed to be doing that?
JOEL: No, there's a circut overload. Quick, Cambot, open the airlock and
give me rocket #9. [Joel throws the gun out the airlock to right of bridge.]
[Cut to typical view from rocket #9 as an explosion from the front right rocks
the ship.]
[Back to inside the SOL. It rocks (cambot) slightly for a few seconds ala
Star Trek. Crow and Tom are still front. Joel's back is to us at the
airlock.]
TOM: Whew. That was a close one.
CROW: Yeah, good thing we weren't caught in the explosion. Right, Joel?
JOEL: [Female voice] Umm, well... [Joel turns toward cambot. He is now
definately female.]
[Bots try to suppress laughter. A few snickers escape.]
TOM: Well, *some* of us weren't caught in the explosion.
CROW: Are you sure that wasn't an IQ gun? Beause you definitely look
[snicker] *smarter* to me. [Laughs]
JOEL: Ha ha. Very funny. [To cambot] Well, Sirs, you can see it works.
You wouldn't happen to have a GRX-17 (TOM: [In background] He's cute! JOEL:
[Turning to him] Stop it.) that you could send up, do you?
[Deep 13. Frank is on the left, Dr. F. on the right. Frank is holding a
similar ray gun, but slightly bigger, with the top opened up. Dr. F holds a
small crystal in his hand, between thumb and forefinger.]
DR. F: A GRX-17, also known as the transmutation crystal? Yes, I happen to
have *one*, for our invention this week, coincidentally. You know, Joel,
these things are very hard to come by. Frank just managed to find this one by
chance.
FRANK: Yeah, you know, it was the funniest thing. I was down talking with
the mole people when we...
DR. F: Shut up, Frank.
FRANK: But I was talking.
DR. F: I don't care. Let's get on with the invention exchange.
FRANK: [Throwing a temper-tantrum and whining] But I was talking!
DR. F: Yes, yes, Frank. Later. Anyway, Joel, our invention this week is for
those people who don't seem able to act their age. Now you can regress them
physically to match their mental state with our pistol of youth. It also
worked on our miracle grow babies. We were, um, getting a couple of
complaints. Ah-heh. [Puts GRX-17 crystal into gun and closes the top.]
FRANK: Um, Dr. F. You said I could fire the gun.
DR. F: No, I didn't, now give it to me. [Grabs the gun from Frank.]
FRANK: No. No fair! You said I could fire it. It's not fair! [Starts
jumping up and down, whining and throwing a temper-tantrum.]
[Dr. F. shoots Frank with the gun. There is a puff of smoke, and now a two
year old is standing where Frank was. He still has the styled hair, but the
clothes don't fit as well now. The kid Frank continues to jump up and down
and begins to cry.]
DR. F: See? Now you can act your age. [Turning to camera.] Anyway Joel,
I'll send up the crystal once I've taught Frank his lesson. In the meantime,
I hope you enjoy this week's feature. It's called "Cat Women of the Moon" and
it is a spunky load of noodles. [Turning back to Frank] What's the matter,
gonna cry, huh? Cry, Frankie, baby.
[Cut to SOL. Movie Sign]
JOEL: Oh, we've got movie sign. [Hits button]
G..6..5..4..3..2..1
[Nearly two hours of bad movie later. Trust me, it's good MST3K material.]
1..2..3..4..5..6..G
[Usual letter, etc. Tom reads the address.]
JOEL: Well, that's it. How about letting me change back. What do you think,
Sirs?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: Well, Frankie, will you behave now? [Frank nods] OK, then. [Shoots
Frank with gun. A cloud of smoke and TV's Frank is back standing there.]
FRANK: Mine! You said I could shoot it! [Tries to grab gun.]
DR. F: Now Frank, be careful, that's the only GRX-17 we have.
FRANK: Mine! [Yanks gun out of Dr. F's hands. It falls to the floor and
breaks.] Oops.
DR. F: [Screams] *FRANK!*
[Screenshrink (for lack of a better term) as we hear Frank start to cry, which
continues through the credits.]
[Whoosh]
[]
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What do you think, Sirs? Send comments to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu
All comments quite welcome.
